by L. A. Sable
“Oh, that’s great.” Charlie can’t hide the flash of disappointment on her face. She’s finally realizing that I don’t need her anymore. “You never told me what it was like hanging out with Chloe and the other Diamonds.”
“I wouldn’t exactly call it hanging out. All I did was give them a ride.”
“Do you think it will happen again? It definitely helps your social standing to be seen with them.”
I shrug as if it doesn’t matter to me one way or another. “All that crap with Inner Circle isn’t something I’m going to worry about this year. I’m choosing to rise above it.”
I’m lying through my teeth but she doesn’t need to know that.
Charlie stares at me as if I’ve literally grown a second head. “Nobody is above the rules. That’s like saying you’re one of those sovereign citizens who don’t believe in paying taxes because you’ve declared yourself independent from the government. If you’re here, you’re in it with the rest of us.”
“And maybe that’s part of the problem,” I snap. “Everyone’s just going along with the game so nothing ever changes. Following the rules didn’t exactly work out well for me last term. This time, things will be different.”
“Things are already different,” Charlie acknowledges. She drums her fingers on the desk, revealing the tension that sings through her like an electrified wire. “Do you have any idea who took that picture of Chloe and put it up on the app.”
“No idea. But only a Diamond can post anonymously,” I respond with a careless shrug. Every lie I tell gets a little easier as if the ability to deceive is a muscle that just needs to be worked so it gets stronger. “My best guess is that it was one of her friends. Grace seems like the most ruthless one. Or Maisie, maybe.”
“But why would they do that? It just doesn’t make any sense.”
“That’s the thing with being at the head of the pack. There’s always somebody nipping at your heels.” I make a point of turning away to face the center of the room as Ms. Pitt gets up to the podium. “Or maybe it’s just karma. Eventually, everyone gets what’s coming to them.”
“Do you really believe that?” Charlie whispers as Ms. Pitt starts a repeat of her welcome speech from last term. “That when people do bad things, eventually they’ll have to pay for it.”
“Always.” I turn my head and our gazes meet for one flashing moment and I almost have myself convinced that I can see the guilt in her eyes. “It’s only a matter of time.”
The stricken look on her face is all I need to know. She’s hiding something from me and probably has been from the day we met. Eventually, she’ll come clean or I’ll figure out her secrets on my own.
Regardless, if Charlie has done something to merit punishment, then I will make absolutely sure that she gets it.
I’m not sure what to expect when I get to my math class. It’s the only one that I have with Jayden and I haven’t really spoken to him much since coming back to Black Lake.
His affable charm is as much of a mask as the one I wear. And of all the people at Black Lake, he’s the only who has made a career out of showing a face to the world that isn’t the real one. Reading him will be beyond difficult.
Jayden is already there when I slip into my old seat next to him near the back of the classroom. The smile on his face is wide when I glance his way, but the expression in his eyes is guarded.
“Back on familiar ground?” he murmurs, voice only loud enough for me to hear.
“I guess you could say that.”
His blue eyes narrow in speculation as he shifts in his seat to face me. “It really seems like you’ve hit the ground running, not missing a step.”
There’s something about the sullen tone of his voice that clues me in. “I guess that means you heard about my lunch date with Lukas.”
He shrugs. “Bad news travels fast.”
It’s impossible to know if the frown on his face is a crafted part of the persona or actually something real. “We’re just having lunch. That’s it.”
“I just didn’t know you were into him like that.”
“And who says I am?” I retort with a small smile. “Maybe I just like the idea of helping him needle Chloe a bit.”
“Well, she certainly has it coming.”
And a lot more than that. The words are on the tip of my tongue but I resist the overwhelming urge to say them. Jayden can’t know my plan unless he can prove that he’s trustworthy and I don’t see any feasible way for him to do that.
“What’s it to you who I have lunch with anyway?” I ask, raising my eyebrows. “Don’t tell me you’re jealous.”
The expression of hurt that crosses his face is close to real that I almost believe it, but then it dissolves into his usual look of insouciant amusement. “You’re breaking my heart over here.”
“I wasn’t aware you had one of those,” I reply smartly. “Didn’t you sell it in exchange for fame and fortune? Or maybe that was just your soul.”
“You really came out swinging today.” But Jayden doesn’t seem bothered by the dig, if anything he basks in the attention. He has definitely internalized the idea that no publicity is bad publicity. “What did I do to earn the sharp side of that tongue?”
He waggles his eyebrows as he says tongue, making it clear that hurt feelings aren’t really his problem.
“I’m not going to be some notch on the bedpost for you.” I tell him. “Don’t pretend like you’ve secretly been pining for me. You’re only interested because you want to get there before any of your friends do.”
He seems to consider that for a moment. “That might be the meanest thing you’ve ever said to me.”
“Am I wrong?”
Before he can come up with a reply, our new math teacher walks into the room. Mr. Sommers is about a thousand years old with tufts of white hair coming out of his ears and dressed like he leads the preschool reading circle at the local library. The school couldn’t have found a more opposite teacher than Mr. Cardill if they tried.
As I watch this unfamiliar teacher writing on the board, I can’t stop a small pang of regret. Liam is supposed to be the one drilling us on exponential functions and probability in a way that is friendly but brooks no nonsense. Before Chloe got him fired, he was the only instructor at Black Lake who hadn’t allowed himself to be intimidated by the students. This place wouldn’t be the same without him.
Class passes slowly, partly because we’re starting with a review of what we already learned last term and Mr. Sommers moves with the approximate speed of a three-toed sloth. There are no other Diamonds in the class and not even Charlie, because Jayden and I are a year behind the others in math. I can only assume that studying equations wasn’t high on the list of priorities while he was on a movie set. I’d like to blame my shitty public school but the reality is that I’m not the best student in the world.
Focus, I remind myself. The new Lily is capable and accomplished. She doesn’t fall asleep in class.
A folded note lands on my open textbook with a soft thump. When I glance up, Jayden is deliberately not looking at me and no one else seems to be paying any attention to us. The teacher at the front has his back turned as he writes equations on the board.
I open it slowly, flicking my gaze up to the front in case the teacher turns around and catches me. The words are written in Jayden’s characteristically slanted print.
Do you still have that poster over your bed?
I take a minute to decide how to respond. In a fit of nerves when we met, I’d let spill how much I adored film star Jayden Heart when I was a kid. That fact isn’t something he’s planning to let me live down.
That flutter in my stomach is a remnant of my old life. Now I tell myself that I have too much self-control for a meaningless crush. But it’s hard to forget the little girl who used to obsess over Jayden Heart and buy every magazine that had his picture on the cover. That girl wouldn’t have been able to conceive of the situation that her future self would stumble
into. It’s almost like living in a dream.
Or a nightmare.
Because this has to be some version of hell. You get everything you always thought you wanted, but it’s all warped and sideways, adjacent enough to reality that you convince yourself the dream is just within reach. But whenever you reach out to take it, your hands always come back empty.
There is no version of reality in which Jayden Heart would truly be interested in me. So whatever he’s doing now has to be a game.
We’re all just playing each other.
What poster? You mean the one I used for kindling years ago?
I toss the note back to him while Mr. Sommers still has his back turned. Although it’s unlikely he’s able to see this far to the back of the room considering the thickness of his bifocals. Part of me wonders if this is the best route to take or if leading Jayden on will just make things harder. But I need as many people gathered around me as possible and as long as he wants to sleep with me, Jayden will stick around.
I watch him read the note out of the corner of my eye. But when he doesn’t immediately respond, a pang of unease moves through me. He seems to have returned his attention to the board and is taking notes on whatever lesson is being presented.
Maybe I came on too strong, killing the chase for him. It’s such a difficult line to walk that I can’t help but question myself. Jayden Heart is used to people throwing themselves at him, either because they wanted a piece of his fame via osmosis or the gratification of being associated with a superstar. That’s why I’d played it cool, trying to stand out from the girls he’s dealt with before.
But maybe Jayden likes the attention, maybe that’s the whole point and my playfully caustic act is a major turnoff. That’s the hardest part about playing a role, I only have myself to blame when I get it wrong.
I force myself to return my attention to the board and our dry instructor. Several minutes tick slowly by, my gaze pulled to the clock on the wall. And each time I’m surprised by how little time has passed since the last time that I looked.
It takes me by surprise when a folded bit of paper bounces off the back of my hand and lands on the floor. I wait a beat to pick it up because Mr. Sommers is facing us and try to ignore the fact that my heart has sped up by several beats. I’m not interested in Jayden, I remind myself. I’m not interested in anyone. The pursuit of truth and vengeance have overtaken my capacity for attraction and love.
So why do I feel a flutter in my chest when I sense his gaze on me?
As soon as Mr. Sommers’s back is turned, I grab for the note and drop it into my lap, just before the teacher’s gaze sweeps over the room again. I’m not even sure what the penalty is at Black Lake for passing notes in class, or if there even is one. The students here can get away with so much that it’s hard to imagine that such a small infraction would result in anything serious.
But the secrecy of it adds a layer to the interaction. Only the two of us know about this silent conversation. If I burn this piece of paper, it’s more secure than even an anonymous message on Inner Circle.
Ouch! I was just wondering why you’d bother with a poster when you can have the real thing.
I have to fight the blush that wants to suffuse my cheeks. The new Lily is in control of herself, revealing only what she wants. The old Lily, the one who covered her childhood room in posters of her favorite teen heartthrob, is jumping up and down for joy.
Of course, that’s the same idiot who got herself hit by a bus.
So when I write back to Jayden, I play it cool. He doesn’t need to see even a hint of the swirl of thoughts rolling through my head. Let him think I’m just playing hard to get, that way he won’t see past this flirtation to the real game.
That is one of life’s great mysteries. And I’m not so good at subtlety so if there’s something you want to ask me, then go ahead.
Tossing the note back with a flip of my wrist, I return my attention to the front and resolve to ignore him. Jayden rarely comes out and says precisely what he means so now I’m forcing his hand. I’ve called his bluff and he can either lay all his cards out on the table or fold. If he doesn’t respond, then both of us can forget that this mini-conversation ever happened.
My hand scribbles away on my notebook even as my mind is comprehending no part of the equations on the board. Hopefully, the notes will be enough for me to recreate the lesson for myself because at the moment I’m learning nothing. Jayden has me distracted, more so than I would ever let on to him or anyone else.
I can’t help but wonder if this is how it felt for him on studio sets, dressed in the costume and aping the mannerisms of another personality, convincing the world that he was truly someone else. It makes it difficult to figure out which parts are the real you and what is fiction. Except for me, the stakes are so much higher than a bad take.
When he passes the note back, balancing it perfectly on the corner of my desk so it rests on a sharp fold, I don’t reach for it immediately. I pretend to be engrossed in the lecture, ignoring the fact that I still don’t really understand the difference between a function and a linear equation. Hopefully, my luck holds and Mr. Sommers doesn’t call on me for the answer to the question on the board.
Five minutes before the end of class, I finally reach for the note. My eyes shift to the side but Jayden isn’t looking at me, his gaze trained on the front as if he isn’t thinking about me at all. I’m smart enough to recognize that he’ll give as little away as possible. He and I have that in common.
Do you have plans for lunch?
A small smile touches my lips as I thank whatever dark god is currently watching over me. He couldn’t have set me up better than if I’d planned it this way. Jayden’s need to be the center of attention is the most reliable thing about him.
I’m already spoken for today. Rain check?
He reads it just as there is the commotion of chairs being pushed back and rustling bags that marks the end of class. There are no bells at Black Lake but half of the students must have synchronized their watches because the rush for the door is like clockwork. I make a point of moving more slowly, gathering my things one by one as the room clears.
Jayden doesn’t seem to be waiting for anything. He shoves everything on his desk into his bag without pausing to organize any of his belongings and strides for the door. I watch him go in confusion as the door slams shut behind him.
Well, fuck.
It’s just one battle in the war, I remind myself. I’ll have other chances to gain his attention and next time I’ll play it differently. My back aches as I rise from the desk and I focus on that brief flash of pain as I heft my bag onto my shoulder.
That pain serves as my focus, it’s the reason why I’m putting myself through this. The pain has a purpose. There’s nothing that I am not capable of, considering what I’ve already survived. For a moment, I let it become my sole awareness as I amble toward the door.
Which is why it comes as a total shock when my arm is grabbed the moment that I step foot into the hallway and I’m pulled into an alcove.
Jayden glares down at me and it’s impossible for me to tell if his aggravation is real or feigned.
“Who are you having lunch with?”
I pull my arm away from the grip that’s strong but just short of bruising and he lets me go. “I’m surprised you didn’t already hear. Lukas invited me to lunch.”
His eyebrows shoot up, expression derisive. “Since when are you two a thing?”
“We’re not. It’s a ploy to get to Chloe.”
“Just make sure it stays that way,” he grumbles.
And I can’t stop my own eyebrow from going up. “Or what?”
“You can be a real ball buster, you know that.” But the gaze he passes over me is assessing as if he’s weighing what he sees is his mind. “I asked you out last year and you never did get back to me with a straight answer.”
My back aches as I stand there and stare at him, wishing that I could just find some
where else to sit down. I’d deliberately built an impenetrable wall around my heart to protect myself. But in that moment, staring into the icy blue eyes that I’d seen hundreds of times on a television screen, it’s hard to hold on to the anger.
“Tell me what you want, Jayden.”
“A date.” He shoves his hands in his pockets, the only sign of tension in him as his mouth quirks in a small smile. “Give me a fighting chance here.”
Like always, I question what they all really want from me. Even with all the effort I’ve put into being the honeyed trap, it still feels unbelievable that any of the guys would spare me a second glance. Despite everything, I still feel like that social outcast who was everyone’s punching bag.
So I decide to test him, because I don’t know how to trust anyone anymore. “First, you have to do something for me.”
His eyebrows shoot up into the dark curls with lighter streaks falling over his forehead. “What’s that?”
“I want to know how Chloe got ahold of my journal last year.”
He’s quick to raise a defense. “It wasn’t me, I swear. Even I know that Chloe went way too far.”
“If I thought you were responsible, then we wouldn’t be having this conversation.” I regard him with a critical eye, forcing myself to look through the celebrity veneer to what might be underneath. His motivations are a mystery. “You’re friends with Maisie, right?”
Jayden’s expression is guarded. “I guess you could say that.”
“Find out from her who gave Chloe my journal. I’m sure she knows.”
“What makes you think she’ll tell me anything?”
“I just want you to ask.” It’s a test in more than one way. Any questions about what happened will set him up in opposition to Chloe. In a sense, I’m making him pick a side. Hers or mine.
He hefts the bag higher on his shoulder, a deliberately neutral expression on his face. “Are you sure you really want to know? Wouldn’t it be better just to let all of it go and move on?”