But by Degrees

by Kit Eyre

  ‘Fuck, fuck, fuck.’

  Without thinking, I tossed my stick across the kitchen. A glass tottered on the draining board then rolled onto the floor and smashed. Flecks of glass spattered everywhere, ricocheting off the fridge and dishwasher.

  The spurt of sound faded and I looked around. I was stranded down here now; no chance of getting up and no way of calling for help. All I had was half a glass of water and a pill bottle. I closed my eyes and tapped my head back against the washing machine.

  Chapter 43

  July 2011

  Little puffs of air skittered along my chin.

  With my eyes closed, I reached a hand up and tangled it in Jude’s hair. Her breath hitched and the puffs of air shifted to hover over my lips, warm and inviting. I resisted for all of five seconds before tugging her close to absorb all that warmth into me. Her arm suddenly glided around my waist and we got lost together for a while. When we eventually parted, her eyes were glistening, even though she was smiling.

  ‘Hey,’ she whispered.

  ‘Morning,’ I replied.

  She bit her lip. ‘Are you okay? Was last night –’

  ‘It was incredible,’ I cut in.

  ‘Yeah. It was.’

  As her voice quivered, I drew back, scanning her face. ‘Jude? I thought –’

  ‘No, sweetheart, it was,’ she interrupted. She pressed a firm kiss to my lips then rested our foreheads together on the pillow. ‘I’m scared, that’s all.’

  ‘Of what? Of me?’

  She let out a chuckle and murmured, ‘Of us. I want this – I need it – but you were never . . . Not till that night anyway. You weren’t sure. And after everything I’ve done –’

  ‘Jude, I love you.’

  Her words faded away and she stared at me.

  ‘It’s not like I’ve forgotten everything that happened,’ I went on with difficulty. ‘What you did . . . I hated you for it. Everything we’d gone through that night, everything we’d said, and you picked him over me – because it was easier, wasn’t it?’

  ‘Yes,’ she admitted.

  ‘But I had an affair with you. You know, I never asked you to leave him because it was too much like . . . I would’ve been responsible then, wouldn’t I? You had this gorgeous house, lovely guy looking after you, and I was in a flat on the outskirts of town. Partly why I wanted it to be just sex was that I wasn’t good enough for you.’

  She exhaled, kissing me again. ‘It wasn’t ever just sex and you’re good enough. Sweetheart, what you did that day . . . You went through more than anyone I’ve ever met. All you did was look after me, try and do right by me. How is that not being good enough?’

  ‘Well, I failed, didn’t I? You lost the baby – that was my fault.’

  ‘No, it was Radison’s, and he’s paid for it. You did your best, Danni. I promise.’

  I gazed into her eyes and swallowed hard. No one had ever pierced right through me like that, as though they could see every crevice of me and adored what they saw. I still didn’t get it, but then I never understood why Gemma had liked me as a gangly teenager either.

  ‘We deserve this,’ she said finally. ‘We deserve to be happy. A few more steps and we’re there, sweetheart. We can move on.’

  I slotted my hand back into her hair, feeling her knee raise between my legs. ‘So when’s the memorial dedication again?’

  Jude’s breath mingled with my own. ‘Three weeks.’

  Chapter 44

  June 2010

  ‘Good. You’re back.’

  Harriet’s voice jolted me out of the mist between awake and asleep. It took a few moments of blinking at the olive ceiling to realise I was in hospital again then the events in the kitchen came flooding back to me. No wonder my insides were vibrating.

  ‘What are you doing here?’ I asked.

  ‘Gemma called me after she broke into your flat this morning. Found you collapsed on the kitchen floor after loading yourself with pills. She needed to know whether to call your parents. I talked her out of it.’

  I blinked away a tear. ‘What was she doing breaking into my flat?’

  ‘Your neighbours heard some funny noises in the night. The police wrote it off as drunk antics when they couldn’t get a response, but it worried Gemma when she turned up. You can thank her for saving your life later.’

  ‘I didn’t mean to –’

  ‘You tell me what the hell you did mean,’ Harriet interjected. ‘You’re the lucky one, Danielle. Gill didn’t have a bloody choice, neither did Matt. He didn’t die straight away – did you know that? There was half a car door wedged in his chest. They did what they could, but he died in agony.’

  I screwed my eyes shut. ‘Stop it.’

  ‘Why? Because you’re blaming yourself for him being out there and for every other bloody thing that happened? He went out there for the same reason you did. Not because you told him to, whatever Michael and sodding Caroline told the papers. He wanted to help. He bloody well saved my life, the pair of you did. You think I don’t wonder whether he’d have been better off not bothering?’

  ‘You’ve got Paul and John,’ I muttered.

  Harriet snickered. ‘Fine mess I’m making there. Listen to me, Danni. It doesn’t matter what Jude thinks –’

  ‘It’s not about that,’ I interrupted, opening my eyes.

  ‘Isn’t it?’

  I couldn’t answer.

  ‘Stop thinking about her,’ Harriet continued after a minute, her voice softer. ‘Look, the police have drawn a blank because they’ve stopped searching. Conrad’s disappeared off the face of the earth and they don’t seem to care one way or the other. Gerbera aren’t even pushing it. The insurers have okayed the compo payments already without even waiting for the inquiry.’

  Despite myself, I struggled to sit up. ‘So?’

  ‘So I’d like to know what the hell’s going on. I want to know why we were targeted, what this Conrad was trying to prove. He knew all about us, there was something going on in his head. You know that as well as I do. But the way things are at the minute . . . It stinks, Danni. I’ve handed my notice in and no one batted a bloody eyelid.’

  ‘Hang on, you’ve done what?’

  ‘I couldn’t work there anymore, not with all this going round in my head. Though, from what I hear, Caroline’s accepted a promotion.’

  I snorted. ‘Always lands on her feet, doesn’t she?’

  Harriet conceded that with a shrug. Then she leaned forward and rested her elbows on her knees. I stiffened, knowing that look a mile off.

  ‘Here’s what’s going to happen,’ she said. ‘You’re booked on the lunchtime train to Edinburgh Waverley on Friday. Gemma’s dropping you at the station and your dad’s picking you up at the other –’

  ‘Wait a minute, you can’t –’

  ‘You’re staying up there for as long as it takes to get that leg working again and you living like a human being instead of drowning in your own filth. Physiotherapy, counselling – anything you need, you’re doing it.’

  ‘I’m not going to bloody counselling,’ I growled.

  ‘That’s between you and your parents. But, listen to me – listen. If there’s still no movement when you’re back, we’ll set working on it ourselves. We’ll work it out somehow, don’t ask me how because I don’t know right this minute. But Gemma’ll help, she’s already said. Maybe the only way either of us can move on is by knowing what the hell it was all for.’

  I gaped at her, my brain fogged up. ‘And you’ve decided all this?’

  ‘Yep,’ she returned with a saccharine smile. ‘Are you in?’

  I met her eye. ‘I’m in.’

  Chapter 45

  August 2011

  ‘I wish you’d tell me why we’re doing this.’

  I rolled my eyes. ‘It’s why it’s called a favour, Gem. Just drive, would you?’

  She harrumphed, but refocused on the road and began humming along to the radio. My gaze was skimming the landscape outside as
it turned from decrepit houses to the posh new development then, finally, to a clump of maybe a hundred people hovering in the middle of a road glistening with fresh tarmac. The plot of land to the right was empty apart from benches dotted around and one towering Gerbera daisy sprouting in gold from the wooden slats that covered the ground.

  Gemma pulled up into the makeshift car park and switched the engine off. ‘Dan, seriously, is this a good idea? Since you got back from Lincoln you’ve been all over the place. I don’t know what’s going on, you won’t tell me or Harriet what happened there, what happened with her –’

  ‘I’m going to,’ I promised.

  ‘I’m not seeing any explanation that covers why you forgave her.’

  ‘I love her,’ I said, wincing at the expression on her face. ‘I’m sorry.’

  She inhaled deeply. ‘It’s not like I didn’t know. I can still hate her, right?’

  ‘It’d probably make us all more comfortable if you do,’ I replied.

  With a chuckle, she nodded then her eyes swept back out across the crowd. ‘Are we staying in the car then or what?’

  I extracted a rumpled programme from my pocket and cleared my throat: 11:00, opening remarks by Jude Hogarth, introducing Vincent Knight.’

  ‘She’s making a speech?’ Gemma questioned, snatching the paper from me. ‘Will you please tell me what the hell’s going on?’

  ‘Come on, you can hear it for yourself.’

  Although she was plainly annoyed, she nudged me out of the car. A couple of faces turned in our direction when the doors slammed and I wavered a bit. Gemma took pity on me, coming straight round and linking our arms together.

  ‘Thank you,’ I whispered.

  ‘You owe me,’ she retorted.

  I squeezed her hand and said nothing. We hadn’t done a lot of talking in the last three weeks, but we’d done enough to realise there was blame on both sides. Since that was how it usually turned out with the two of us, neither of us seemed keen on blowing it out of proportion. We had a lot of crap to work through, but she was still my best mate.

  The crowd rippled when they spotted us, including a couple of photographers no doubt brought along by Knight or one of his cronies. I caught sight of Harriet off to the side, chatting to one of the younger guys from the marketing side. Paul was with her and he shot me a smile. Beyond them, I saw Matt’s fiancé, Tanya, huddled with Vicky and Sunita, but they didn’t meet my eye. I looked past them to search for a familiar flash of blonde hair and found it.

  A small podium had been set up in front of the gate to the garden. As I watched, Jude stepped up onto it and called for attention in a loud, clear voice. It brought everyone’s eyes around to her, at least allowing me the respite of leaning fully against Gemma for a minute.

  ‘Are you sure you’re up to this?’ she asked.

  ‘I’m fine, honestly. Just listen.’

  She sighed, balancing herself so she could take my weight properly. I was already fixated on Jude, watching the rise and fall of her chest and the way her eyes scanned the crowd. She was looking for me, I realised, just at the moment she found me and warmth scuttled through my body. It might only have been four hours since she’d left me curled up in her bed, but it was four hours too many. She nodded, almost imperceptibly, then addressed the guests – screwing up the notes in her hand.

  ‘Thank you for coming, everybody. For anyone that doesn’t know me, I’m Jude Hogarth. I was here on the day the bomb went off last year and there isn’t a day that goes by when I don’t think about it. You see, I knew Gill Wilmott and Matt Draper better than most. I was Gill’s supervisor for two years, I worked with Matt for eight years. Because we were such a small team here, you do become close to people, and they were two of the good ones.’

  A murmur of agreement went around and I saw Harriet struggling to contain her emotions. She gripped Paul’s arm to the point where his forehead wrinkled, bless him, and pressed her lips together. They were the only two I dared look at, especially because I’d suddenly spotted Caroline beside Vincent Knight to the left of the podium. My skin was beginning to crawl, but I had faith in Jude. She wasn’t going to let me down, not this time.

  After a moment, she continued, ‘We’ve all made mistakes in our lives. People always want someone to blame, don’t they? Someone who can make it look like they’re not the one at fault. I did it myself. I lied to everyone after the bomb when I said that I wasn’t in a relationship with Danni Morris. I was then – and I am now.’

  This time it was a gasp, not a murmur. Those guests who’d clocked me earlier swivelled around and I could see Vincent Knight turn sharply to Caroline. Their eyes followed the pack and, suddenly, it was like being under a microscope. It only alleviated when Harriet barged through and planted herself next to me, Paul on her heels.

  ‘There’s more,’ Jude called from the podium and everyone looked back to her. There was probably only me who spotted the tremor in her voice, but I willed her on with my eyes. ‘We always needed to know why, all of us. It wasn’t random, what happened here. It wasn’t possible that the culprit had disappeared off the face of the earth. He hadn’t – it’s just that nobody wanted to find him.’

  Suddenly, Knight trotted up to the podium. ‘Thank you, Jude. Now, if you don’t mind, I think I should –’

  ‘Sam Radison,’ she announced. ‘Have you heard that name, Vincent?’

  His foot slipped and he steadied himself on the gate to the garden. It wobbled under his hand, something that everyone else spotted. The photographer scented blood, pushing forward to get another picture. The bored journalist beside him had sprung to life and was making notes.

  ‘You were supposed to be on your way the next morning, weren’t you?’ she asked Knight loudly. ‘So why were you flying to Spain in the middle of the night leaving us to –’

  She was broken off by Knight literally diving onto the podium. Maybe he hadn’t meant to topple her over, but the pair of them went flying onto the pavement together and I heard Jude’s yelp. I shoved my way through the crowd until I found her nursing her head on the floor. Knight was kneeling a few metres away, staring at his hands with wide eyes. His tie had been ripped, along with his shirt, and he looked more like that skeletal man in Lincoln that I’d ever thought he could.

  I scrunched down onto my good leg, stretching a hand out to Jude’s cheek. ‘You okay?’

  I’d expected a yes or a no, maybe a little smile. What I hadn’t expected was her launching forward and planting a kiss on me that wouldn’t be out of place in our bedroom. Not only was everyone watching, the photographer was greedily taking pictures.

  At least the kerfuffle gave Vincent Knight the chance to escape to his car. The last I saw of him were his tail lights flashing as he bumped up on the kerb. Everyone else looked bemused, exchanging glances until the journalist jumped forward and helped both me and Jude up.

  ‘Ms Hogarth, Peter Percy from The Chronicle. Could I have a statement from you?’ he asked.

  ‘Knight could sue you for libel,’ she pointed out.

  He smirked. ‘Not if I find a way of proving anything you tell me. We might even find this guy you mentioned – Radison.’

  Jude looked to me. ‘Danni?’

  ‘Tell him everything,’ I said. ‘Maybe he’ll have more luck than we did.’

  While Jude was having a chat with the journalist and Gemma was keeping an eye on her under the guise of exchanging pleasantries with the photographer, Harriet shepherded me onto the bench dedicated to Matt. It was bland and boring, nothing like him at all. Jude had told me she’d tried to jazz it up a bit with a quote from Die Hard, but the board weren’t having any of it. I ran my thumb over the plaque before I sat down.

  ‘What happened in Lincoln?’ Harriet queried quietly. ‘You found him, didn’t you?’

  I nodded.

  ‘Is he dead?’ she asked after a moment.

  I glanced sideways and nodded again.

  She sucked in a long breath. ‘Who got th
eir hands dirty? I hope it was her.’

  ‘Neither of us. He fell. He fell and hit his head. I promise you that’s how it happened.’

  ‘I believe you,’ she replied. She paused and reached for her cigarettes. It took her a few seconds to light one then she expelled the smoke into the sky and watched it drift away. ‘What was he like?’

  ‘Weak. A coward, I don’t know. There was nothing to him,’ I went on, meeting her eye. ‘He hadn’t cared enough about his mum so he took it out on us. Yeah, Lenora and Knight played their part, but he was just a coward. He’d locked himself away in this revolting little hole with rats and all sorts because he couldn’t cope with what he’d done.’

  Harriet absorbed all that then cast her gaze across the fence. ‘Don’t tell Gemma. She’s having a hard enough time with you and Mother Teresa as it is.’

  ‘I know. I won’t.’

  ‘I’m proud of you, you know,’ Harriet muttered.

  I shot her an incredulous look. ‘Why?’

  She patted my arm. ‘You did it. You got your head out of here, away from this place. I’ve told Paul that now it’s done, we can move out of Leeds. He wants to move back to Huddersfield to be nearer his family now John’s off at uni.’

  ‘When did he suggest that?’

  ‘The day I came round in hospital,’ she said with a strained smile. ‘I had to know as badly as you did. Maybe now we can all move on, eh?’