by Skye Horn
She realized this may have been confusing to Ethel, who had probably never been in love, but she didn’t see herself as being the heartbreaker in this situation.
“When you become queen, no one will allow you to be together. Don’t you understand?” Ethel’s voice shook as she tried to explain to Thea what she meant.
“If I’m queen, who will have the authority to tell me who I can or cannot be with?” Thea glared at Ethel, upset that she had just completely ruined her moment with Kieran.
“Thea, this isn’t whether or not you’re allowed to wear pants to your coronation. These are ancient laws about whom you can and cannot marry!” Ethel suddenly looked much older than thirteen. She was staring at Thea with pleading eyes, but Thea wasn’t prepared to give up on Kieran that easily. She crossed her arms over her chest, dropping the clothes she’d been so excited about just moments before.
“But I love—”
“You loved that other boy too and look what happened to him!” Ethel snapped.
Thea was on her feet, standing inches from Ethel within seconds.
“Don’t you dare.”
Ethel didn’t back down. She placed her hands on her hips and stared up at Thea, who was quite a few inches taller than her. Neither one of them said anything else for a long minute. They just stared, unblinking, at one another.
“You are obviously too young to understand how love works,” Thea said.
Ethel looked as if Thea had struck her and dropped her arms to her side. She spun to leave the room and then paused.
“If you cared about him at all, you wouldn’t lead him on,” she said, slamming the door shut behind her.
Thea flopped back onto the bed and stared up at the ceiling, blinking furiously.
She felt ill and tossed her arms over her head, blocking out the candlelight. She hated crying, and yet, it seemed like all she could do lately.
Kieran had talked about soulmates, so Thea figured Ethel was just as serious about forever loves, but how could someone so young understand what love was? How could she herself understand it? Hadn’t she been the one who’d told Marcus that they were too young for marriage when he proposed after her parents’ death?
Sitting up, Thea picked the clothes up off the ground, frowning toward the closed door. Ethel’s words stung, and with everything else going on, Thea felt overwhelmed. She set the clothes back on the bed, trying to straighten their folds, and then dropped her head into her hands with a hideous sob.
How am I ever supposed to be a queen if I can’t even keep my temper with a teenager? she thought miserably. There was a soft knock on the door that made her sniffle and wipe her eyes.
“Ethel, I’m sorry,” Thea said, but looked up to meet a different set of eyes.
“I’m sure she means to tell you the same thing when she gets back, but I’ve sent her out to the stables to cool off,” Iris said as she shut the door quietly behind her. “I could hear you two screaming all the way outside.”
Thea flushed with embarrassment as Iris came to sit on the bed beside her. She didn’t meet Thea’s eyes and looked unusually nervous.
“I feel as if I have outstayed my welcome,” Thea sighed.
Iris shook her head, placing her hand on top of Thea’s.
“Ethel is young, but so are you. Neither one of you truly knows much about love yet.” She smiled at Thea, but sadness lurked beneath it. “I realize you loved the young man who died, though.”
Thea tried desperately not to cry again, but a broken sob escaped her mouth. Iris pulled her close, brushing her hand along the back of Thea’s hair as her tears stained the shoulder of Iris’ dress. The movement was soft and familiar; it was the same way her mother might have comforted her in a situation like this, and she didn’t fight it. She needed to cry. She needed someone else to take care of her, just for a moment.
“It’s my fault he’s dead,” Thea said through her tears, unable to meet Iris’ gaze. She closed her eyes, tasting the salt on her lips. “Amara brought him here because of me.”
Iris’ body was stiff, but her fingers continued to stroke through Thea’s hair. Thea felt her warm breath against her skin. She said nothing, but Thea was okay with that. She didn’t want someone to argue with her. She didn’t want to hear that she couldn’t have done anything. She didn’t want to hear logic. She only wanted to say what she’d been feeling since the minute the life left Marcus’ eyes.
“Losing someone you care about is not something that leaves you, Thea,” Iris said. “But those losses are why we fight. We fight so that they aren’t forgotten. We fight so that their loss wasn’t for nothing.”
“Who do you fight for?” Thea asked, looking up at Iris through blurry vision. The older woman wiped the tears away with a handkerchief and tucked Thea’s hair behind her ears. “Who did you lose?”
The emptiness in Iris’ eyes told Thea she was correct to assume that she’d lost someone. She recognized her own sadness behind those green eyes. She recognized the empty longing for someone who would never return, for just one more moment with them.
“My partner, Cora, was killed in the earlier days of the war,” Iris said. “King Malachi said that I ignored my duty by loving her, and that I should reproduce our kind…” Iris’ eyes grew distant and watery, which surprised Thea. She’d never pictured Iris as someone who would cry, let alone someone who’d allow others to see her cry, but the tears never spilled from her eyelids.
“What happened?”
“The king had Cora executed for treason after I refused to conform. They tossed her into the black lake where the merrow tore her to pieces. I remember she never screamed. She was strong, but her blood turned the water red. I’ll never be able to erase the image from my mind, but I also would never wish to. She’s who I fight for every single day.”
Thea felt like she might be sick. Iris no longer met her eyes, but she understood the anger Iris felt. She also realized that Iris rarely called King Malachi her father. Thea squeezed her hand, which still held her own, and allowed herself to remember the life leaving Marcus’ eyes. She allowed herself to feel the pain of that loss and then turned that pain and anger into something else. Marcus hadn’t deserved to die. Cora hadn’t deserved to die. Her mother hadn’t deserved to die. Kieran’s parents hadn’t deserved to die. The list felt endless.
“How did you escape him?” Thea asked. She’d heard enough about her father to know that he would never have let Iris leave without punishing her as well. It was a miracle he hadn’t executed her too. Maybe her bloodline was too important to him to waste. Iris’ face paled, and she swallowed.
“I didn’t escape him, Thea, but death would have been better than the punishment I received.”
Thea stared at the woman she’d grown to admire so much, the woman who had shown so much strength and raised both Kieran and Ethel as her own, regardless of what it cost her. How could that powerful of a woman really believe death would have been better?
“It’s about Amara.”
“Amara?” Thea choked on the name like it brought a foul taste to her mouth. She looked at Iris with furrowed eyebrows. “What about Amara?”
It had not been intentional, but Thea’s voice had grown icy. She couldn’t help the anger that boiled inside her when she heard her half-sister’s name. She wanted to spit it out of her mouth, to remove the bile from her throat. That same darkness she’d felt last time she’d encountered her bubbled up within her, and she fought it back down. Now that she knew it was there, it flared wildly beneath her skin, searching for an escape route.
She cringed.
“After the execution, they brought me to King Malachi to receive my punishment. As you can imagine, he does not waste Fae blood. Cora was expendable, because she was human. I, on the other hand, could not merely be executed. In the king’s eyes, I had committed a far worse crime than Cora by betraying my own kind, as he put it.
“The days after your mother’s murder were dark. King Malachi claimed her death was
the work of an assassin, but those of us who knew the queen knew exactly who had killed her. I’d gone to Grimwalde to be with Cora during those times. I thought it was the safest place for Kieran, since he would be under the protection of King Aragon. I thank the Goddess every day that Kieran was not with us when Cora and I were captured by the king’s men.”
“What does this have to do with Amara, though? Is she the one who captured you?” Thea asked, but Iris shook her head.
“This was before Amara was even born.”
“Then—”
“Let me finish,” Iris said.
Thea shut up, trying not to ask any more questions, and nodded.
“After Cora’s execution, They took me to King Malachi’s chambers. At that time, I was grief stricken. I tried to attack the king—hopelessly, of course. His men had me on my knees within seconds, and the king laughed at me for my feeble attempt. It was not one of my prouder moments, but I begged him to kill me too. I did not want to exist in a world without Cora. I knew I was responsible for Kieran, but at that time, I couldn’t see my responsibility, only my broken soul.
“Of course, the king refused my plea. He said it would be a waste for someone like me to die. He said that my punishment would be that I would perform my duty to the Fae by producing an heir, since someone had stolen you from him.”
Thea’s mouth fell open as Amara’s words to Kieran played over and over in her head. You wouldn’t keep me away from my dearly missed big sister, would you? Iris didn’t notice.
“I told him I would never willingly produce an heir for him, but I was young and foolish then. His guards held my thrashing body down until I had no will left to fight, night after night, until finally it was clear I was pregnant. He never touched me again after that.”
Thea felt the warm tears on her cheeks once again. All of her anger had faded, and she threw her arms around Iris without thought.
“Amara is your daughter,” she cried, but it was not a question. She understood enough of what had happened without Iris going into any further details. She thought about a younger woman, held down against her will while the king, her father, while he… She couldn’t even finish the thought. Disgust, hatred, horror, and a million other feelings devoured her. They threatened to consume her as Iris wrapped her arm back around her.
“You must hate me,” Iris said. It was not what Thea expected. She expected Iris to hate her for what her father had done to her, but instead, Iris thought Thea hated her for what Amara had done.
“My father killed your sister, your soulmate, and raped you—but you think I hate you?” Thea stared in amazement. “Is this why you’ve been avoiding me?”
Iris looked embarrassed, so Thea wiped her tears away. Although they were quite a few years apart in age, Thea did not feel like a child with Iris. Iris amazed her. She inspired her with her strength and bravery, because even after all that she had been through, she still stood confident and strong.
“I don’t blame you for your father’s actions,” she said.
“And I don’t blame you for your daughter’s actions,” Thea responded.
Both women smiled sadly. Someone lifted a weight from each of their shoulders as they stared at each other in a new light, neither saying anything else.
Thea wondered if she would ever be as strong as Iris; she hoped so. She hoped that one day, she would look back on all the terrible events that had happened and remember that she was strong enough to survive them. That was what a queen would do.
“There’s more, though,” Thea said, noticing that Iris still looked anxious.
“I know a day will come when you and Amara will meet again,” Iris said, lowering her gaze. “I beg you to show her mercy… Your father forced me to abandon her to him. He told me if I tried to fight it, he would kill her and force me to give him another heir until I learned my lesson… I had no choice but to leave. Kieran needed me. Cora’s family needed me. I left her with evil, but she was innocent once.”
Thea thought about this. She thought about how she might have turned out if her adoptive parents had been like many in the horror stories that other children suffered. She thought even harder about how she might have turned out if her father had raised her. She hated Amara, but she’d grown to love Iris.
“I won’t be my father,” she finally said. “If there’s a way, I’ll bring her to you.”
They hugged again, but said nothing else. The message was conveyed. Thea could not take a child away from her mother, even one like Amara. She remembered how King Aragon had told her that children were not born evil and wondered if he had known she would need to remember that someday. Thea had a long journey in front of her, and she would meet Amara again. Kieran had told her she needed to fight the darkness. Well, this was one way to exercise that muscle.
A knock sounded on the door and Kieran peeked his head inside. Thea and Iris pulled away, both wiping their faces with a blush. Kieran bit his lip and shifted uncomfortably as he looked at them.
“We need to leave for the funeral,” he said, glancing at Thea, who was still not dressed, with a raised eyebrow.
“We’ll be out in ten minutes,” Iris told him and shooed him out the door.
Dread crept back into Thea’s stomach at the mention of the funeral. She glanced at the clothing again and swallowed hard.
“Let’s get you ready,” Iris said, returning to the bedside and pulling the blanket away from Thea.
“If you could do it all over again, would you be with Cora?” Thea asked.
Iris stopped in surprise, but after a moment, she nodded.
“Cora and I said our goodbyes before her execution. Despite the ending, our love was true. A life without that love would have been a life half-lived.”
Thea thought about this as she undressed. It took her a minute to figure out how to put the new clothes on, but with Iris’ help, she pulled on the leather pants that clung to her long legs and laced the matching leather waistcoat up over a black tunic. Just like in her dresses, she had to figure out how to breathe and felt extremely uncomfortable with how the waistcoat accented her chest, but she couldn’t complain now that she finally had pants to wear. Iris handed her a pair of weather-worn leather boots that stopped halfway up her thighs, and a heavy emerald-green velvet-lined cloak to keep her warm. The boots were the comfiest footwear she’d worn since they had trashed her converse after Ireland; she relaxed as she laced them up.
A comfortable silence fell between them as Thea sat in the chair in front of the mirror. Iris began pulling her hair into the familiar thick braid she liked to keep down her back.
“He has loved you since you were children,” Iris said as she tied off the bottom of the braid. “Your mothers knew it, and that’s exactly why he was entrusted with your safety.”
Thea glanced at Iris through the mirror, pausing in the middle of tying her boot.
“But Ethel said—”
“It doesn’t matter what Ethel says. It doesn’t matter what anyone says.” Iris finished the braid and set her hands on Thea’s shoulders with a sad smile. “Ask yourself if you can live without him. If you can, then let him go. If you can’t, then don’t lose another moment, because each moment is precious.”
Thea didn’t respond, but she heard Iris’ words loud and clear. She thought of Marcus, dying in front of her, and then the image of Kieran dying flashed completely real behind her eyes. It returned that clenching feeling to the place in her chest where her heart should be, and her stomach twisted into knots. Tears swelled behind her eyelids from the mere thought, and panic took her breath away. She pictured her old life without Kieran and could not imagine returning to it. It felt wrong in every sense of the word.
“See? You don’t need anyone to tell you whom you are meant to love.” Iris smiled a little, watching her with knowing eyes. “Now, let's go.”
Thea nodded, feeling as if she were being pulled from a dream. Today, she would say goodbye to her human life. She would say goodbye to a boy she h
ad once loved, and if she was brave enough, she would allow herself to see what had been standing right in front of her since she’d arrived in the land of Faerie.
As they left the bedroom, she felt him drawing nearer as if an invisible string attached them to one another. She knew, without knowing how, that Kieran stood on the other side of the doorway, waiting for her. She didn’t think of Ethel’s accusations anymore, or of what it meant for her as the queen. She only thought of Kieran and how complete she felt with him. She would be brave. She would say goodbye to Marcus, and then she would right this upside-down world with Kieran at her side.
Chapter 11
Kieran told Thea that they would hold the funeral in the woods. I am brave, she repeated mentally to herself as they followed a path to the pyre that had been arranged. Marcus would be given a proper Faerie-style farewell. Thea thought about his family back home and wondered if they’d even notice he was gone. She knew it was her job to remember Marcus. It was her job to make sure he continued to live on, despite his horrific death. She and Kieran walked a little behind Iris and Ethel into the woods. Mica and Mirielle had also joined them, but they kept their distance from Thea, allowing her room to breathe.
“So, Iris told you?” Kieran asked hesitantly. Thea didn’t know why it hadn’t occurred to her before that he would have known about Amara, but his words surprised her. She tried not to be upset that he hadn’t filled her in on the story himself, because in all honesty, it wasn’t his story to tell.
“Yes, she told me,” Thea said quietly, but noticed Ethel glance over her shoulder at the sound of her voice. For a moment, the girl looked guilty, but then, seeing the way Kieran held Thea’s hand, she glared. Thea just sighed, while Kieran continued to be oblivious.
“What’s up with her?”
“You don’t want to know,” Thea said, frowning as Ethel looked away. She knew they would need to speak at some point. She would need to try to explain what was happening to her, but most importantly, she would need to apologize for what she’d said. Iris leaned down to whisper something to Ethel as they turned another corner, going deeper into the woods, and Thea noticed her shoulders slump.