When We Were Us

by Elena Aitken

  “Hey.”

  Startled, she spun at the sound of the voice behind her.

  “You came.”

  As soon as she saw it was Jamie, a guitar case in his hand, her stomach fluttered, but oddly enough, she relaxed a little too.

  “I didn’t think you’d come.” He smiled.

  As he approached, Christy almost started laughing at herself. There was no way this man with the intensely kind eyes was a serial killer. The way he looked at her made her feel something, that much was for sure, but threatened definitely wasn’t it.

  “Here I am,” she said. “But I have to be honest, I almost didn’t come. I mean…you can’t really be serious about me rehearsing with you guys.” She hated the doubt that she heard in her own voice. She wasn’t usually so insecure. Of course, she didn’t usually expose herself by singing to strangers, either. In fact, never before had she put herself out there so vulnerably.

  “I’m totally serious.” When Jamie smiled, the skin around his eyes crinkled.

  Definitely not a serial killer.

  “You have real talent, Christy. And as it turns out, our lead singer just had a family emergency and he’s going to be gone for a bit. We actually could really use someone right now.”

  “Someone to sing for you?”

  “No.” He laughed and at once Christy felt stupid for making assumptions. “No. We need someone to sing with us. Interested?”

  Interested?

  Hell yeah, she was interested.

  “I can’t.” She shook her head. “I have to…” What? What did she have to do?

  Nothing.

  The answer hit her like a brick. She had absolutely nothing to do. The only thing waiting for her at home was pulling weeds from a garden no one would see, or baking cookies that no one would eat. She could spend her days puttering around her big house, dusting rooms that should have held babies. But for what? Her temporary work at Mark’s clinic was done. She had nothing.

  She was thirty-four and she had nothing. Everything she’d worked her entire adult life for hadn’t materialized. And it never would.

  The unexpected sadness hit her like a wave. If she allowed it to, it would take her under and she would drown.

  But she wasn’t going to let it. Christy shook her head. “You know what,” she said before she could chicken out. “I would love to.”

  Jamie’s smile instantly made her feel good about her decision. She followed him into the garage, where he introduced her to the other guys who she hadn’t officially met the other day—Josh on drums and Caleb on bass guitar. Christy instantly felt at home with the guys. They were quick to crack a joke, tease Jamie—who was late to rehearsal—and they made her feel welcome right away.

  “Grab a mic,” Caleb told her. “Jump right in and get warmed up. We mostly sing popular covers. If you’re even half as good as you were the other day, you’ll pick it up in no time. Even if you do prove Jamie right. He couldn’t stop going on about your talent.”

  He’d talked about her? He’d said she was good?

  It was ridiculous that Christy needed outside validation from total and complete strangers, but ridiculous or not, she beamed with pride. It was just the confidence boost she needed to pick up the mic and jump right in with the guys.

  She was nervous at first and her voice shook a bit but it didn’t take long for her to find her rhythm. They moved from song to song until finally, Josh beat out a quick rhythm on the drums, clashed the symbols, and declared rehearsal over.

  Christy looked around, as if she were seeing the space for the first time. She felt light-headed and disoriented, as if she’d just woken up from a long nap. “What…what time is it?”

  Jamie laughed kindly and handed her a bottle of water. “Come sit.” He guided her to a beat-up couch sitting against the back wall. “It’s exhausting, isn’t it? Do you feel like you’ve been working out?”

  Christy laughed so hard, she almost spat out the water she’d just sipped. “Well, I don’t have the faintest clue what working out actually feels like, so…”

  “We’re not all muscle heads, man.” Caleb punched Jamie’s shoulder as he walked by.

  Christy laughed because the last thing Jamie looked like was a muscle head. He was lean and fit, and his arms filled out his t-shirt in a way that she probably shouldn’t have been noticing. Just like the way she’d noticed him looking at her again in that way that felt like more than it should have been. Her laughter cut abruptly and she jumped up from the couch.

  “I should go.”

  “You don’t have to.” Jamie stood and put his hand on her arm.

  The touch froze her to the spot. She stared at his hand. She’d just spent hours singing her heart out, which for her was something so incredibly intimate, that a simple touch shouldn’t spook her.

  But it did. It spooked her in a way that had nothing to do with singing and everything to do with how this man made her legs go a little weak, and her breath come a bit faster.

  Christy pulled away and grabbed her purse, holding it in front of her like a shield. “I really should be going.” She turned and practically sprinted to the door.

  “Christy, you were great today.”

  Jamie’s voice was so full of sincerity that she stopped and turned around.

  “Really,” he said when their eyes met. “Your voice is fantastic. We’d love it if you’d rehearse with us again. Maybe even play a show? We have one coming up at the Log and Jam.”

  She looked around the garage, but they were alone. The other men had vanished and she hadn’t even noticed. Christy let her eyes drift back to Jamie, but still she couldn’t answer.

  “Think about it,” he said. “You have my number.”

  She bit her lip and nodded before turning and fleeing to the warm summer afternoon.

  She wasn’t doing anything wrong. She knew that.

  But then, why did it feel like she was?

  Chapter Five

  It had been a few days since Christy’s rehearsal session with Jamie’s band. She realized she didn’t even know what they called themselves, but she couldn’t help but think of them as Jamie’s Band. Hell, she couldn’t stop thinking of Jamie.

  Christy had tried to put the experience out of her head. After all, there was no point dwelling on it. It’s not like it could happen again. What was the point? She wasn’t really a singer. She was just a bored housewife with nothing else going on in her life, and Jamie was just indulging her.

  Wasn’t he?

  Maybe she was good?

  Maybe that was the real reason he’d encouraged her to come back?

  Or maybe it was because he really was flirting with her. Either way…the attention felt good. She couldn’t deny that.

  More than once over the last few days, Christy had pulled her phone out, composed a text message to Jamie, and then deleted it. She was nervous.

  Whether it was because she was singing or because of the fact that despite herself, there was a little part of her that was attracted to Jamie when she knew how wrong it was—she didn’t know. But every time she thought about Jamie and the band, her stomach flipped and she felt as if she were doing something illicit.

  It was probably only because she hadn’t told Mark about it yet. She’d meant to, at least until he’d told her about his race. And then again, later, after her rehearsal with the band, she was going to tell him. But for whatever reason, it just never felt like the right time. In the mornings, he got up early to go for a run, and even some evenings, he was running again after work. In between his training, they’d talked a little bit about Drew and Eric and how terrible their situation was, but beyond that, they hadn’t spent much time together at all.

  There’d been a few days before when she’d tried to surprise Mark at his office by bringing him lunch. She’d thought they could go sit by the river and have a picnic the way they used to when he’d first opened his practice. But when she’d arrived five minutes before his usual lunch time, Sarah, his receptio
nist, had informed her that he’d already left for a meeting with a pharmaceutical rep.

  Disappointed, Christy had thought about leaving him a note, but then decided against it. Sarah would tell him she’d stopped by. Although, when Mark got home that night, he hadn’t mentioned it, so either Sarah hadn’t said anything, or he’d forgotten.

  In another attempt, she thought that maybe after a long week at work, cuddling in front of the couch with a bowl of popcorn and a good movie would be a good way to unwind, and when Christy had suggested it, Mark agreed. The fact that he’d fallen asleep ten minutes into the show only meant he was exhausted, nothing more. At least that’s what she told herself while she was finishing both bowls of popcorn. But it was becoming harder and harder to ignore the distance that just kept growing between them.

  Somehow the week slipped by and now it was Saturday morning, a time that was usually reserved for the two of them to spend a leisurely morning cooking brunch together before eating it in front of the television, where they streamed old cartoons from the eighties and laughed at the terrible graphics and even worse theme music.

  But Mark had gone running, opting instead for a protein shake and a quick kiss on the cheek.

  Christy finished her coffee and pushed up from the kitchen table. She rinsed her mug at the sink and grabbed a banana. It didn’t seem worth it to make a big brunch just for her.

  I wonder if Jamie is a pancake or waffle man?

  She should have been surprised by the way Jamie randomly infiltrated her thoughts. But she wasn’t, because Jamie had slipped into her daily thoughts more and more since their rehearsal session. She couldn’t stop thinking about him. And the way he’d smiled at her, encouraged her, touched her arm.

  Would things be different if she was married to Jamie? Would she be a mother by now?

  The thought slammed into her and she almost lost her balance at the sink.

  It was terrible. She should definitely not be thinking anything remotely like that. And she definitely shouldn’t be having feelings about another man. Even if they were innocent.

  Mostly.

  Innocent or not, it wasn’t okay. Her focus should be her husband. Always.

  And wasn’t that the real reason she hadn’t told Mark about her singing with the band?

  She put both hands on the countertop and dropped her head as she exhaled, long and slow.

  Christy stood that way for a few moments.

  She didn’t want to be thinking of another man. She wanted to be thinking of Mark. She loved him. She’d always loved him and that hadn’t changed. Thinking about anyone else felt wrong.

  What didn’t feel wrong was the way she felt when she held the microphone in her hand and sang her heart out.

  Christy lifted her head, empowered by recreating the feeling in her mind. Nothing else had felt quite so amazing in a very long time.

  A smile crept across her face as she remembered the sensation of the air pushed from her lungs as she belted out song after song. A few minutes later, with a new focus, she felt dramatically calmer. But she still needed to get out of her head.

  In an effort to focus on something else, Christy quickly changed out of her pajamas into one of her new outfits and headed out the door to Daisy’s Diner for another cup of coffee. She didn’t know what she would do from there, but maybe wandering around Main Street, doing some window-shopping, would take her mind off everything. At the very least, it would get her out of the house that more and more was starting to feel like a prison.

  Main Street was unusually quiet for a Saturday afternoon in July, and Christy didn’t run into many people she knew. But as she approached Daisy’s Diner, she saw a familiar petite brunette standing outside, looking at the notice board full of community announcements.

  “Good morning,” she said to Drew. “Interested in taking piano lessons, are you?” She gestured to the piece of paper Drew was holding.

  “Hey.” Her friend looked startled as her dark eyes focused on Christy. “I was just…” She looked down at the paper in her hand. “No,” she answered with a shake of her head. “I don’t know why I have this. I meant to grab this one.” She reattached the piano lesson announcement with an available thumbtack and pointed instead at an announcement for a rental house. “We need a place to live. We can’t stay at Eric’s parents. Not while…” She didn’t finish the thought, but she didn’t have to.

  “I was just going to grab a cup of coffee,” Christy said softly. “Why don’t you join me?”

  Drew nodded, clearly thankful for the reprieve. “Yes.” She smiled, but it didn’t reach her eyes. At that moment, more than anything else in the world, Christy wanted to take her friend’s pain away.

  A cup of coffee would have to do.

  They ordered their drinks from Morgan, Cam’s daughter who’d recently started working part-time, and found a table in the back of the busy diner.

  “How are…I mean…well…” Christy chuckled uncomfortably. “I don’t know what to say.”

  “It’s okay.” Drew’s lips twitched up. “I get it. No one knows what to say when your husband is dying. It’s okay.” She shrugged. “Neither do I. But actually today is a good day. He took Austin to the river this morning with his dad. Honestly, most of the days are good days right now. That’s the craziest part. It’s so hard to look at him and think that in a few months…well, it’s hard to reconcile one thing with another.”

  Christy nodded sympathetically.

  “He’s so young, and besides being way too skinny, he’s actually still really full of life. It’s like he just won’t give up.”

  “That’s a good thing.”

  Drew nodded, but she didn’t look convinced. “It is,” she said after a moment. “I mean, obviously. I don’t want him to give up on living, of course not. But…”

  “It’s okay, Drew.” Christy reached her hand across the table and laid it over Drew’s. “We’re friends. You can tell me anything.”

  “I know. Thank you.”

  “Of course.”

  “It’s the craziest thing,” Drew said after a moment. “I never thought I’d be sitting here telling you this, but I actually want my husband to talk to me about what’s going to happen after he dies.” She shook her head as if she couldn’t even believe she’d said it out loud. “Doesn’t that sound insane?”

  In any other situation, Christy would have agreed with her friend, but they were not in any other situation. They were talking about Drew and Eric, and as terrible as it was, it was their reality.

  “No,” Christy said. “It’s not insane. You guys should be talking about that stuff. I mean…”

  “It’s going to happen,” Drew finished for her.

  They sat in silence for a moment. Their lattes were delivered to the table, and they each sipped thoughtfully before Drew spoke up again.

  “I know things haven’t been super easy for you either lately. I’m really sorry I haven’t asked about the treatments.”

  Christy put her coffee down and waved her friend’s objection away. “Forget it. Seriously, you have enough going on without worrying about my baby problems.”

  Saying the word baby caused the same familiar spark of pain in her chest, but it was nothing compared to what her friend was going through, so she ignored it and wrapped her hands around her mug.

  “It’s just not time for us right now,” Christy said. Maybe if she said the words enough, she might start to believe them. “Maybe we’ll try again later.” There’d be no trying again. She knew that, and likely Drew knew it too, but if she did, she was kind enough not to say anything. “I’m fine.” Another lie. “In fact, I’ve decided to try something new.”

  The words slipped out before she could stop them. Maybe the need to talk about her singing was greater than she realized.

  “That’s great.” Drew’s smile was genuine. “You mean something new besides your new look?” Her friend raised her eyebrows. “That’s a pretty huge change. I love it, by the way.”
/>   “Thank you.” She reached for her hair subconsciously and smoothed it back. Christy kept forgetting that her hair was now a vibrant red. There’d been a few times over the last few days when she’d caught her reflection in the mirror and been surprised. In a good way. She loved her new look, and it was definitely part of trying something new. “But no, I meant besides my new look. Do you remember how I used to like to sing?”

  “Like in high school?” Drew nodded. “Totally. You sang in the talent show and then the musical that one year.”

  “I did,” she said, proud that Drew remembered.

  “Don’t tell me you’ve decided to do a musical?”

  “Not a musical.” Christy was practically bouncing in her seat. It felt so good to talk about her secret. Well, not all of it. There was no way she was going to tell anyone, not even her best friends, that she’d had any thoughts, no matter how innocent, about another man. But the singing part. That she was going to talk about. At least with Drew. “But I have been singing with a local band. It’s so silly. I don’t even know what they call themselves and it’s nothing serious. But I thought I’d try it out, and I really like it and they need someone to rehearse with, so it’s worked out perfectly. I mean, not that it’s worked out. Nothing’s worked out really. It’s only been a few times. One, really. It’s just so—”

  “Christy,” Drew interrupted her with a chuckle. “That’s awesome. I can see how excited you are. I think it’s great. No matter if it’s serious or not, if you’re enjoying it, that’s what matters.”

  Christy nodded as Drew’s words sank in. “Yes,” she said slowly. “That is what matters. And I do enjoy it.”

  “Good.” Drew sat back in her chair and swirled her finger through the foam of her latte. “I’m so glad you’ve found something you love. What does Mark think about it?”

  “Mark?” She looked down and took a long drink of her latte so she wouldn’t have to answer right away.