With and Without, Within and Without

by Euan McAllen

  ‘Here is my name. And he signed it. Here, see!’

  Most in the room could not see the detail and Paminio, who wanted to see it the most, could see nothing. Adolphinus, seeing blank faces, proceeded to read it out. When he reached the end the monks all clapped again and some even called out his name. They had finally woken up – to a new truth, to a new dawn. Ingel could not find it within himself to clap. He could only smile while his arms remained folded away as if for another day. Adolphinus was on form today. When it came to the big lies, his boss was the consummate liar. It was true: practice did make perfect.

  With questions still not forthcoming, Adolphinus dismissed his monks. As they neatly began to file out, the conversations began. A satisfied Adolphinus handed the document back to Paminio who was still kneeling. He had seen no good reason to get up.

  ‘Look after this with your life.’

  That was an order.

  Paminio looked at the document before locking it away. Yes, it had been signed, though he had never seen Bushcatti sign it, and Bushcatti normally signed all documents in front of him for he was always too lazy to get pen and ink. Paminio corrected his thoughts: had always been too lazy. Another more awful thought entered his head: for how long would he keep his job under Adolphinus?

  Later, just as Adolphinus had settled down into his new comfort zone, he was hit by a bombshell. It exploded in his office when he received a visit from Deputy Dolgar. The man was determined to see him, citing an important development which Adolphinus had to be made aware of for his own good. Once he had Adolphinus cornered, he did not hesitate to come right out with it. There was no holding back, no awkwardness, just attack. His words punched Adolphinus in the face, but for Dolgar it was just business, nothing personal, yet. He said he had seen Adolphinus push Bushcatti off the roof, and for his silence, he wanted Mostrum’s job, nothing more, nothing less. He just wanted to be his captain and a good captain. Was that too much to ask? He reassured Adolphinus – now in a state of semi-shock – that he was more than capable of doing the job. Adolphinus felt powerless and had to sit down for his legs were shaking. This was Ingel’s cousin, Miuccia’s cousin. Ruthlessness must run in the family. Cold blood must run in his veins as it ran in theirs. What could he do except say yes? So he said yes, and Dolgar smiled, like a demented clown.

  ‘Good. You’ll hear nothing more of this. It is history. And rest assured, I will be your most loyal captain. Look on the bright side.’

  ‘Bright side?’

  ‘Mostrum is a dangerous idiot. He has a big mouth. He has done stupid things – he drove Bushcatti up the wall sometimes. I am intelligent. I’ll make a better captain than he could ever have been.’

  But still dangerous, thought Adolphinus. He had no idea how much of what had just been said was true or fake, but right now he didn’t care.

  ***

  In the Rigger house, the wife sneaked up on the daughter, grabbed her tight, and forced her to look her straight in the eye. For the daughter, there was no escaping her mother for the mother had decided she had done something wrong.

  ‘What’s going on?’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘You’ve been very quiet. You’ve been avoiding me. Have you stolen something?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘Where’s your fight gone? There’s no spark.’

  The daughter could not answer. She could only stare down at the ground, wishing to be buried, forgotten. Her mother took hold of her chin and lifted it up. Eye contact was everything.

  ‘What are you hiding from me then? I know you’re hiding something. Nothing gets past your mum.’

  That did it: the daughter began to sob, slowly. She could not hold it in any longer. She had to spit something nasty out.

  ‘He raped me.’

  ‘Raped you? Oh, my god. Who? Who raped you?’

  ‘He did.’

  ‘Who did? Give me his name.’

  ‘That Dolgar. Deputy Dolgar, of the guards.’

  The revelation stung the mother and left her paralysed for a few seconds, and a few seconds more. She wanted to say ‘told you so’ but something held her back, perhaps a mother’s love for her child. She saw the look of shame in her daughter’s face.

  ‘You have no reason to feel ashamed. Never feel ashamed!’

  She grabbed her child, and hugged her to death, then left her on the floor, still sobbing. She was off to see her man. She did not need any more information. She found her sad excuse for a man sitting outside the tavern, having just taken a long, deeply satisfying piss. He said he was going back inside to join his mates for they were talking important stuff. She stopped him and slapped him on the head, telling him her important stuff. She demanded retribution. Rigger, also outraged, demanded compensation. When he told his mates, they too were outraged. Outsiders were trashing their women. Taxes had gone up. No one could afford to use the hospital. And for that, the Chief Monk had been promoted, not sacked. The social unrest was slowly gathering pace.

  ***

  Adolphinus, still reeling from being blackmailed, next had to suffer a bruising exchange with Ingel. Ingel refused to do his dirty work and sack Captain Mostrum, stating these guards reported directly to the chief of chiefs, not him. Adolphinus had to beg, almost like a child, until Ingel relented; reminding him again and again that he would be the next Chief Monk, no one else. (Ingel had made his point: he was not a pushover; he would be the equal of Adolphinus.) The argument left Adolphinus shaken. He was to be the next Chief, Chief Monk and Ingel should show him more respect, not less.

  The sacking done – or soon to be in the bag – Adolphinus, sulking, slipped away to see his old friend and confidant Fiolotti. He needed someone to wish him good luck, and mean it; to say he deserved it, had earned it; to say he would succeed, and succeed well. Deep inside, he was still an unhappy, spoilt child needing someone to hold his hand and say he was the best. Before he had ended up in a wheelchair, Fiolotti had often done that.

  Adolphinus found him where he always was: in his usual place; in his usual state; in his usual position; in collision with death; stuck in his wheelchair; stuck in time; living in slow motion; decaying slowly; dismissed; and still, for all that, Fiolotti still held the moral high ground. That kept Adolphinus jealous, wanting. That kept Adolphinus coming back, again and again, for it made him believe that he had it better. He waited for the nurse to leave before speaking, making it clear she was not welcomed.

  ‘You are looking good, Fiolotti. They must be treating you well – as I keep telling them to.’

  Fiolotti did not reply. He simply stared at the man who had once been his childhood friend and then his protégé. Adolphinus continued to speak.

  ‘I feel good. I have some good news.’

  Fiolotti moved a little in his wheelchair as he was told the great news.

  ‘Are you happy for me? I could not have done it without you.’

  The reply took an age to come.

  ‘No.’

  Adolphinus felt insulted. ‘No? Why no? You think I can’t do the job.’

  ‘No.’

  ‘Why no then?’

  Fiolotti spoke slowly, drawing out each word or sometimes fumbling; not willing to use pencil and paper, as if to make his slow delivery torture for Adolphinus. And because speaking was so much hard work, he did not mince his words or beat around the bush. Despite being stuck in a wheelchair he bulldozed his way into Adolphinus’ head and heart.

  ‘You know why.’

  ‘No, I don’t. I’ve been a good chief, effective, fair, a good administrator. I can be a good chief of chiefs. That’s why he chose me. I want to improve things.’

  ‘Improve yourself first. You lack moral fibre.’

  ‘No.’

  ‘You treat people bad – girls, lovers, brothers, and your brother.
’

  ‘No. They treated me badly.’

  ‘Out of your depth.’

  ‘That’s enough. I’ll show you – that’s assuming you’re still alive!’

  Adolphinus turned to go – wanting to throw Fiolotti out into the street was always his cue to leave. But he had one last question.

  ‘Did you talk to Bushcatti behind my back? About mad Fargo?’

  ‘No. Fargo is yours.’

  Alone again, Fiolotti sank back into depression.

  ***

  Mostrum, no longer captain, no longer giving orders, sat in Ingel’s room, having just been punched in the face and kicked in the balls. So much pain. He wanted to punch back, hit something, smash something, or strangle something – like that bird in the cage which had its eye on him. He wanted to erupt, trash the room, but he was caged, just like that bird. He had to get outside and kick something, preferably a monk; preferably their shit chief. His world had been turned upside down, and he didn’t understand why. And that weak, pathetic Adolphinus didn’t have the backbone to face him and tell him why. And that shit was going to rule over all others? What had Bushcatti been thinking? Ingel gave him a stiff drink to try and settle him down.

  Mostrum looked at the bird looking at him, wishing to snap its neck and throw it on a fire.

  ‘Is that thing yours?’

  ‘Yes. Meet Craccus, my crow.’

  ‘Craccus? What sort of name is that for a bird?’

  ‘That’s the name I decided to give him. He’s my pet. You should get yourself a pet. Good for the soul.’

  (Ingel’s soul needed something good.)

  Mostrum shrugged. He had come across many stupid names in his lifetime.

  ‘Do you talk to it?’

  ‘Sometimes.’

  Mostrum thought the man was fucking mad.

  ‘Doesn’t he like me?’

  ‘Craccus?’

  ‘No. Adolphinus. Does he hate me? What have I done to deserve this? I’m a good captain. Always follow orders. Never question.’

  ‘No idea. But I’m sure he doesn’t hate you. He did not give me a reason. He tells me little of anything. Like you, I just follow orders.’

  ‘And he’s made Dolgar captain. Why?’

  ‘Again, no idea. Sorry. But you can be his deputy.’

  Mostrum shuddered at the thought. He had dominated his lieutenant. Now he must take his shit?

  ‘You are kidding.’

  ‘No. That’s the offer apparently. Think about it. It may not be so bad.’

  You’ve no idea, thought Mostrum. You’re just a little provincial policeman stuck out here at the edge, bang up against that Maze. Ingel served him another drink, which Mostrum threw back like the first. Secretly, Ingel was pleased his cousin was now captain: reporting to the Chief, Chief Monk, he could prove useful in the future – if they were still on talking terms. Perhaps let him see Mother? Just don’t let her talk too much.

  Ingel began to feel sorry for the demoted soldier. He was the innocent party. He just did his job, and he came across as a man who did that well: just following orders; never questioning; not clever enough to get involved in intrigue, plots, character assassinations; too obvious to hide a secret agenda. Just feed him women and drink like you feed a dog a bone, and he would serve you well. Suddenly, Ingel was struck by a clever thought: a job offer.

  ‘If you don’t want to work for him, come work for me. You could be my best policeman.’

  A policeman? thought Mostrum. I’m a soldier. I fight people. I even kill them. I don’t go around arresting monks for being drunk. Suddenly it was his turn to be struck by a clever thought: a rarity for him.

  ‘Why give Dolgar, a new boy with no track record, my job? Has he got something on your chief?’

  Good question, thought Ingel. And the answer might be dangerous.

  ‘You have a point. Let me dig; see what I can find out. But I make no promises.’

  ‘Understood. Another drink?’

  ‘Certainly. Here, take the bottle, help yourself.’

  Mostrum grabbed the bottle, and did exactly that, leaving Ingel impatient for him to get up and go.

  While Ingel contained and entertained a furious ex-captain Mostrum, Adolphinus had to perform a similar feat with Ingel’s furious sister. Like a woman gone mental Miuccia came crashing into his room, showing a complete lack of respect for the new Chief, Chief Monk. Rape had taken place in her hospital! One of her nurses had been raped! What next? Pillage? Patients being murdered in their beds? Adolphinus corrected her: my hospital. That did not go down well.

  ‘The culprit had been one of Bushcatti’s guards – now one of yours,’ said Miuccia, almost hissing, like a snake. Adolphinus did not need to be reminded. Those guards could be loose cannons. They had to be controlled, and yet he might have no control over their new captain, Dolgar. Already his new job – not yet rubberstamped – was proving hard work, even tiresome at times. But I like hard work! thought Adolphinus. It’s what I’m good at.

  Miuccia clicked her fingers. ‘Are you listening to me?’

  Don’t click your fingers at me! thought Adolphinus. I click my fingers at you!

  ‘How is she faring?’ he asked, for want of something to say.

  ‘She’s coping. I sent her home to recover.’

  Very good of you, thought Adolphinus. I can see you love your nurses.

  ‘They will be gone soon. It won’t happen again. Trust me. I’ll speak to their captain.’

  Miuccia knew she could not trust him. She smacked him around the face with her list of demands.

  ‘I want him jailed, at the very least sacked. He is never to enter our town again.’

  You don’t tell me what to do woman. I tell you. Adolphinus thought these words, but did not dare say them.

  ‘I’ll decide what has to be done.’

  ‘And what is to be done?’

  ‘I’ll think about it.’

  ‘You haven’t asked me the rapist’s name.’

  ‘What’s his name?’

  Adolphinus just wanted her to leave now.

  ‘I don’t know. She doesn’t know. But she can identify him.’

  Messy, thought Adolphinus.

  ‘Leave it with me.’

  ‘You don’t sound particularly shocked, or concerned. One of my nurses in your superb hospital has been raped and you’re not jumping up and down.’

  Give me the chance, and I’ll jump up and down on you if it will shut you up.

  ‘Leave it with me.’

  ‘Stop saying that.’

  Adolphinus was determined to change the subject.

  ‘Listen. There is something I have to tell you.’

  ‘I’m all ears.’

  ‘I will be leaving soon.’

  ‘Your promotion.’

  ‘Yes. So you’ve heard. No congratulations then?’

  ‘Congratulations.’

  The word sounded cold, almost frozen as it left her mouth.

  ‘So I must leave. I will be escorting the body back home for a state funeral, and I will take up my new position at his monastery, the Most Holy Monastery.’

  ‘And?’

  ‘And I may never return, though I will try to visit every few years – official visits you understand. I may never see you again, not in private anyway.’

  ‘But I can come and visit you?’

  ‘That will not be possible.’

  ‘Not possible? Why not possible? You ashamed of me?’

  ‘We cannot have a relationship. It will create talk. It will give fuel to my enemies. I must be totally above board. I must consolidate my position and live by the rules. There is much I must do. Great things.’

  Nice speech, thought
Miuccia. Perfectly delivered with a cold heart. You were not always like this. She moved closer in, as if for a kill.

  ‘Hold me.’

  ‘No.’

  ‘Touch me.’

  ‘No.’

  ‘So I am of no more use to you. I have been dumped. My body has been dumped. The body you once worshipped.’

  Adolphinus decided not to answer. She had become tiresome, and he had other, weightier matters on his mind; like blackmail, bribery; like dangerous loose ends, village people, Castle people. He did not need her. He could not use her – except for sex. But sex he could get elsewhere, without the hassle before or after; like he had done in the past. He could sense it: she now felt she had the right to make demands on him again, to tell him what to do. That was unacceptable. This woman had to be put in her place – and know her place.

  ‘Go now. I have lots to do.’

  ‘You’ll punish the guard?’

  ‘Leave it with me.’

  Miuccia gave him a seething, sneering look. It said ‘I don’t believe you. I give up on you.’ Giving up, she left, in a hurry; hoping not to be ambushed again by one of her brother’s men. She could not face her baby brother right now. She would stew, and in time boil over.

  ‘Fuck you,’ said Adolphinus – wishing he had said it to her face. She must not be allowed back in, he told himself. I need to know I cannot be reached. I need to cut her off. I need to cut free. Ingel must ban her from my monastery, immediately, completely.

  ***

  Adolphinus had a brilliant idea: a loyalty oath, to be taken by the Personal Security Guards, now his guards. So early the next day, Captain Dolgar and his men lined up in front of the monastery main gate for all to see: bristling, beautiful, polished, proud; flags fluttering in the breeze; ready to swear their oath of allegiance to their new Chief, Chief Monk who stood before them, also bristling, beautiful, polished, and proud. Captain Dolgar had organised it wholeheartedly, wishing for no hard feelings between him and his new boss. Ingel had spread the word across town for Adolphinus wanted this to be a public show: he wanted to show off, to make it clear that the world had changed. It was a publicity stunt as much as anything else.