by India Millar
My spirits rose the tiniest bit. Auntie had snared him before he had even seen me. And if Big was telling the truth, as soon as we had become lovers, he had lost interest in Auntie. But he should have told me, all the same!
“Don’t blame him too much.” Big must have read my thoughts. “He’s a gaijin. They don’t think in the same way as we Japanese. He probably thought you would be deeply hurt if you knew about Auntie, so he hid it from you.”
A Japanese man would simply have told me as a matter of fact. The affair had happened. What was the point in denying it? Would I have been any happier if he had told me? Of course not. But in my present mood all I could think was that he should have told me!
“You do realize what trouble he’s bought down on you?” Big’s righteous anger was arrowed at Seemon. “If it had been anybody but him, Lord Dai might have been persuaded to own the baby as his own. But if it’s born looking like a fox spirit, you’re dead, all three of you.”
I shuddered. His blunt words had finally made me wake from my dream.
“Will you help me then?”
“I can’t. It doesn’t matter where you—or he—go in Japan, you can’t hide. Lord Dai will hunt you both down and have you executed. He has to. It would be too much loss of face to do anything else. As it is, I doubt his reputation will ever fully recover from the shame of it.”
“Help me,” I persisted. “Seemon is going back to his own country as soon as he can make arrangements. I’m going with him.”
“Are you?” Big looked at me curiously. “Does he know about the baby?”
“No.”
I stared at my hands, laced across my belly. Big had no need to say any more. What if Seemon was horrified about my—our—baby? What if he refused to allow me to go with him? Then I—and my precious baby—would die, and that was all there was to it. But that wasn’t going to happen. I wouldn’t let it happen.
“Help me,” I said again. I threw caution to the wind and decided I had to trust Big. I had nobody else. “Aimi can get a message to Seemon for me. He can make the arrangements for us to get away from Japan quickly. If you help me get away from here, that is.”
I watched Big’s face working, understood the warring emotions that were going on behind it. I leaned forward and put my hand on his sleeve.
“I know I’ve hurt you, and I’m sorry for it. One cannot help who one loves. That’s in the hands of the gods. But if you still love me, then help me. If you don’t, then I’ll die.”
“And if you do, who’s to say we won’t meet again in another life?”
But he didn’t believe his own words, I could see that. I waited and was rewarded for my patience. He stared over my shoulder, and I could see his mind was working.
“The wise men have forecast that the cherry blossoms will be at their best in about two weeks, so the hanami festival will be held then,” he said finally. I stared at him in bewilderment, wondering why he was telling me this. My confusion must have shown on my face clearly as he raised his finger to silence me. “Auntie always takes her geisha out to stroll amongst the cherry trees when they’re in full blossom on the first day of the festival. It’s an ideal opportunity for her to show off her own precious flowers to the world. And of course, she goes with them. She’s told Bigger that if you haven’t come to your senses by then, she’s going to dress you in your most expensive kimono and obi and take you with the rest of the geisha to eat and drink and enjoy yourself under the beauty of the cherry trees. She’s sure that after so long alone, you’ll realize what you’re missing and give in.”
“I don’t understand. What difference does that make?”
“It’s probably the only chance you’ll have to get away unseen. Auntie will tell you about her plans the day before. Agree with her. Make her think she’s right. Eat a good meal that night. Next day, tell her your stomach was so unused to rich food that you’re very ill. On no account can you go outside the tea house. You need to be close to a chamber pot. She’ll be furious with you, so bow your head and appear penitent. Her anger will pass when she thinks she’s getting her own way. But I’m sure she’ll be at least a little suspicious. She’ll tell me to stay here and keep an eye on you.”
“What if she tells Bigger to stay, not you?”
“She won’t do that. Auntie knows I’m fond of you. Because of that, I promise you that I’ll be the one selected to watch over you. It’ll be a subtle warning that you’re not for me, that I’m to guard you for Lord Dai.”
He spoke so bitterly, I had to believe him. I put my fingers on his hand in an attempt to give him what comfort I could, but he shook me away angrily.
“Don’t touch me. I’ll do what I can for you, but for the gods’ sake, don’t remind me what I’ve lost.”
Twenty-One
Sometimes the soul is
The mirror of life. I do
Not love my image
I doubt that my sanity would have survived those last weeks without my baby’s presence. But I did have her, and I spoke silently to her, constantly reassuring her that everything would be well and that soon we would be with her father.
But who was there to reassure me?
Big did not speak to me again. Perhaps Aimi felt it too dangerous to talk. The most she managed was a reassuring smile. With that, I had to be content. I lost track of the days and nights I spent alone. I had almost given up hope and I was shocked when Auntie visited me.
“Well, child? You appear none the worse for your ordeal. In fact, you’re positively blooming. Solitude must be good for you.”
I kept my eyes down. Had I not, I knew Auntie would have seen the hatred glowing in my eyes. This woman I had once feared had known my lover. Had taken him into her body in the same way as I had. And I had to pretend I knew nothing.
“I have been very lonely, Auntie.” I was amazed. My voice was level and quiet, with not a hint of the fury that was raging through me.
“Serves you right,” she said brutally. “And have you changed your mind yet? Or shall I leave you here for another month or two to think about it?”
I prayed as I have never prayed in my life that Big was right. I was almost too hasty. In my worry that she might change her mind, I was ready to blurt out that I would do anything she wanted. But I glanced at her face from beneath my lowered eyelids and saw the suspicion there. For a heartbeat, I was sure she knew everything. Then I realized it was my own calm answer that had made her wary.
“I…I don’t know.” I shrugged and did my best to look cowed. I heard Auntie tap her cane on the floor angrily and hunched my shoulders, staring down humbly.
“I’ll say that for you, you’re tougher than I gave you credit for. Very well, perhaps I can offer you something to make your mind up. Tomorrow is the first day of the hanami festival. It might do you good to see what you’re missing. You can come with me and the rest of the geisha to see the blossoms. The wise men say the weather will be good. We will stroll amongst the people and when we are tired we will sit beneath the trees and eat and drink and watch the world go by. When we return, you can tell me if you want to come back into that world or if you are going to persist in this foolishness.”
Even if I hadn’t known that this was my only chance of escape, I was suddenly so hungry for life and laughter that I longed to agree. As it was, I remembered I had a part to play and did my best to look worried.
“Will Lord Dai be there?”
“He will not.” I heard the anger vibrating in Auntie’s voice and in my heart was glad of it. “He knows that you’re reluctant to go to him, and the old fool has told me that he will wait until you’re ready to come to him because you want to. He’s deceiving himself, of course,” she added with casual cruelty. “I’m amazed he’s waited this long. By the end of the month, at the latest, he’ll be banging on my door telling me he’ll take you even if you have to be prodded with a sword to pant out your wedding vows.”
She waited for me to speak, and when I remained silent, she turned on her heel with an e
xclamation of anger. At the door, she turned and said almost casually, “I’ll leave your door open. The boys will no longer guard you. You can come out whenever you like. I daresay you’ll want to eat supper with the rest of us.”
I found the open door frightening. I had spent so long locked in my prison, the thought of freedom was intimidating. It wasn’t until Saki came and told me firmly that I was to come to eat with everybody that I dared move.
Supper was delicious. The tatami was full of enticing dishes. Rice steamed and fried, fish, lotus root prepared with ginger, dishes and dishes of vegetables, miso soup, and noodles. My mouth watered as I accepted a bowl of steaming udon noodles and a dish of pickled vegetables. Strangely, when I came to eat I could barely swallow more than a mouthful or two, but under Auntie’s watchful gaze I did my best. But the tea! That I couldn’t get enough of and drank cup after cup without finding it anything but delicious.
I was grateful when the food was taken away and Auntie clapped her hands briskly.
“To bed, all of you. We will be up early to prepare for the festival.”
As I got to my feet, I was suddenly tremendously hot. I wiped my forehead nervously and was surprised to find I was perspiring heavily. My stomach gave a sudden rolling lurch and I almost laughed hysterically. Surely, I couldn’t really be ill?
I got little sleep that night. Every time I slipped into dreams, my belly woke me again. Toward morning, I could neither sit nor lie for the pain. I wanted to pass water constantly, but when I tried there was nothing but a trickle. I sat on the floor with my back to the wall and almost wailed with misery.
I was still sitting there when Auntie came to see if I was ready. She stared at me in disbelief.
“What is the matter with you, child?”
“I don’t know,” I whimpered. “My belly hurts dreadfully, and I keep needing to make water.”
She put her hand on my forehead and snatched it away in distaste.
“You must have eaten too much last night,” she said accusingly. “You certainly drank too much tea. Well, I hope you don’t think the rest of us are going to miss our fun because of your stupidity. You can stay here. I’ll leave one of the boys to keep an eye on you. Do you want some medicine for your stomach?” she added grudgingly.
I shook my head, trying desperately not to draw my legs up to my chest as a spasm of pain shook me. How could I dare take something that might hurt my baby?
“Very well. Big can stay with you. If you want anything, you can send for your maid.”
She walked out without a second glance, and shortly afterward I heard Saki and Ren and Tamayu giggling their way down the corridor and out of the front door.
“They’ve all gone.” Big lounged in my door. “Give them a few minutes and we’ll go across to the Hidden House. He’s waiting for you there. You can both slip out safely to the side road from there. What’s the matter with you?”
“My stomach hurts,” I said simply.
Big frowned and poked me with his toe. “You haven’t really got a stomach upset, have you?”
A sharp wave of pain cut off any words I might have had. I cringed with embarrassment as I felt a flood of wetness between my legs and realized I had wet myself. Then I cried out loud as the pain came back, very fiercely.
“What is it, mistress?”
I knew things must be very bad when I saw Aimi simply pushing Big to one side. She kneeled beside me and put her hand on my belly. She glanced up at Big and shook her head.
“The baby’s coming. Her waters have broken, so it’s not going to be long. Help me get her to her feet. We have to get her over to the Hidden House now, before things go any further.”
Big’s face was appalled. Aimi flapped her hands at him urgently, and between the two of them, they managed to haul me to my feet and half dragged, half walked me across the garden.
I was in so much pain and distress, I barely realized that it was Seemon who opened the door to us.
As it happened, Aimi was wrong. My baby took much longer to arrive than she had predicted. Between the spasms of pain, I did my best to listen to her urgent instructions. Nothing else seemed to matter, not even Seemon’s anxious face peering at me and then retreating as Aimi told him, firmly, to get out of the way. From time to time, I thought I saw one or other of my friends from the Hidden House leaning over me. I called out to them, but there was no reply.
“They’re not here,” Big’s voice boomed at me from far away. “A couple of their wealthier patrons decided it would amuse them to take all the geisha from the Hidden House to see the hanami. They’ve gone in a couple of closed palanquins so they can see and not be seen. No use hankering for them.”
I wept at the loss of my friends as much as the pain that seemed determined to tear me apart.
But even hell is not eternal, and just as the dusk began to chase the light away, my lovely baby slid into the world with a healthy bawl. Oh, but she was so tiny! And so very, very beautiful. Aimi cleaned her and wrapped her in a shawl and placed her in my arms. And I fell in love utterly and completely at that moment. Her lips sought for my breast and—uncaring whether Big was watching or not—I gave her my nipple and sighed in contentment as she sucked her life from me.
I could happily have stayed there forever. I knew where we were, in the secret room in the Hidden House. It was right, I thought, that things should have come full circle. This was where Seemon and I had first made love. Next door to Auntie’s apartment. The irony of it pierced me. But it was the place where our baby had chosen to come into the world. It didn’t matter. The only thing in the whole world was my dear daughter, snuggling deliciously in my arms.
“Her name is to be Kazhua.” I smiled at Seemon. “Look. She has your hair, and your eyes, green as emeralds. ‘Green Leaf.’ A beautiful name for the most beautiful of babies.”
I couldn’t understand why Seemon was crying. Did he not already love his baby as much as I did? I held her up to him, and he took her off me and held her in such a way that I knew she was truly precious to him.
“She is very beautiful, dear one.” His voice was choked with tears. “But we must leave her here, you understand that?”
I smiled at him. Silly man! What on earth was he talking about? Leave my baby here? What nonsense! He squatted down beside me and handed Kazhua back to me tenderly.
“We will come back for her as soon as we can. I promise you that.”
Seemon felt in his sleeve and handed something to Aimi, speaking to her quietly.
“You can’t be found here. Auntie will know you helped us and she’ll take her anger out on you. Get away from the Floating World. Go now, and get as far as you can before morning. I don’t know how to thank you enough for what you’ve done for Terue, but that money should be enough to get you well away from here and to keep you for a long time.”
Aimi looked at me and I saw tears were streaming down her face. I smiled at her and gestured for her to go. Seemon was right. If Auntie found she had helped me, her life would literally not be worth living. She snatched the purse and walked away quickly, as if a slower pace would have been intolerable.
Kazhua grasped me with her tiny hands and I kissed her damp curls tenderly. A man groaned, but I was too taken up with my baby to know—or care—if it was Seemon or Big.
“You must both go. Now.” Big’s voice was relentless and cruel, I thought. “Listen to reason, Terue. The baby must stay here. If you take her, she’ll die. She’s arrived too early. You have a terrible journey in front of you. She isn’t strong enough to survive it. Do you want to kill her?”
His words pieced the tender cloak of love I had wrapped around myself. I shook my head slowly.
“I will not leave her. I can’t.”
“Then what are you going to do? If you stay, you will die. All three of you. Is that what you want?”
“Of course not.”
“Listen to me, Terue. He’s right. We must go.” Seemon’s voice was hoarse with unshed tears. I shoo
k my head stubbornly.
“I’m not going to leave her, Seemon. I just can’t. Go and save yourself. Leave both of us here, where we belong.”
“You’re blind.” Distressed by the loud voice, Kazhua bawled loudly and Big had to shout to make himself heard. “Don’t you understand? If you stay with the baby, all three of you will be dead by morning. Auntie will have all of you killed. She has no choice. If she doesn’t dispose of you before Lord Dai finds out what’s happened, he’ll execute all three of you and Auntie as well. He has to. The loss of face would be too much for him to take.”
“Big’s right.” I heard the pain in Seemon’s voice and clutched Kazhua tightly. “Terue, we must both go. At once.”
I shook my head defiantly. No. I would not go. How could I leave my precious baby here, a world away from me?
“You must go,” Big repeated. “It’s the only chance any of you have. There’s a palanquin and bearers waiting for you both at the garden door. It can slip away from here through the back streets and take you to the docks unseen.” He nodded at Seemon but did not look at him. “He says he’s booked passage for you both on a wasen boat that’s ready to sail for the East Indies. That will take you safely out of the reach of Auntie.”
Seemon squatted down beside me and put his arms around me and Kazhua. Exhaustion filled me suddenly and I leaned against him, grateful for his warmth and strength.
“We are caught, dear one,” he said softly. “I will not go without you. If we stay, all of us are going to die. If we take our baby with us, she will never survive. It is many, many weeks travel to my home in America from the East Indies, and it is a terrible journey. We must leave her here, with Big. We have no other option.”
“No.” My lips were numb. I could barely force the words out. “No. I will not leave her. Please, don’t ask me. She is more than life itself to me.”
“It will not be forever. We will come back for her as soon as we can. Will you look after our daughter, Big? For Terue’s sake? Make sure she is safe?”