by India Millar
Their silence was more eloquent than words. I saw their silent, appalled glances, and thought they were disappointed that I had chosen a gaijin as a lover. I wanted to cry all over again.
“Does he know?” Hiromi asked quietly.
“No. I only realized myself a couple of days ago, and he’d already gone out of Edo, to hunt with Lord Ito.” I paused and my fear rose again. “It doesn’t matter. Lord Dai hurt me, and I’m sure he’s made me lose my baby.”
“It would be better for you if he has,” Gin said grimly.
I stared at her in horror. These women were my friends. If they felt like that about my poor baby, what chance did I have amongst those who did not love me so well?
“Listen to me, child.” Gin spoke softly, but her tone was firm. “I may sound unfeeling, and for that I’m sorry, but do you understand the danger you’re in? You were supposed to keep yourself intact for Lord Dai. It would have been bad enough if you’d become pregnant by a Japanese man. If that had happened, from what I hear, Dai is so besotted with you he may even have been willing to accept the child as his own. But Seemon is a gaijin. If the babe is born, it will be obvious to everybody that it couldn’t be Lord Dai’s child. He would be a laughing stock. The loss of face would be unbearable for him. He will insist that the child be exposed at once before anybody could even see it. It’s likely he’ll tell Auntie to give you poison, and she wouldn’t dare refuse.”
I shook my head, my eyes downcast. “Seemon is leaving Japan very soon,” I said softly. “I am to go with him, back to his own country. Lord Dai will never be able to find us.”
“Dear Terue, do you truly realize the danger you’re all in? You and Seemon-san and your baby?” Nami’s voice trembled with the effort of making me understand. “You’ve been fortunate so far. Nobody would know you’re pregnant yet. But before too long everybody will be able to see. If your baby is still alive, that is. First things first. Would you allow me to examine you? I’m the eldest of seven children, and I helped my mother birth most of my siblings. She lost another two, so I know what I’m looking for.”
We climbed out of the bath and bundled into thick, warm robes. When I was dry, Nami led me to her own bedroom and told me to lie down on the tatami. Gin and Hiromi clustered around us, but I didn’t mind in the least. These were my friends, and they meant me no hurt.
Nami put the lamp close to us, and her fingers ran over my belly, stopping now and then to prod and feel. Eventually, she laid her head on my stomach and gestured to the other girls to be silent. Finally, she sat back on her heels.
“May I feel inside you?” she asked courteously. I nodded and stared at the ceiling as she probed gently and carefully. The hot bath water had soothed my poor flesh, and her examination was uncomfortable rather than painful.
“Your baby is alive. And as far as I can tell, healthy.”
Hiromi shook her head, her face grave. “Gin was right. It would have been better if you had lost it,” she said bluntly. “Safer for you. Safer for your baby, and for Seemon-san. How soon does he intend to leave Japan?”
I forced myself to think. Seemon had said he would not be back in the Floating World for weeks. And it would take time after that for him to arrange to get us both out of Japan.
“Probably a month or so after he gets back to Edo.”
“At best, you’ll be seven months gone by then,” Hiromi said. “You might be able to hide it if you tie your obi very tightly, but if anybody sees you naked…” She shrugged. I knew they were all thinking of Lord Dai.
“Perhaps if I ate very little?” I said hopefully. The geisha looked at me with pity in their eyes and I slumped. “Then what can I do?”
“If you think Auntie or Lord Dai are becoming suspicious, come here,” Gin said firmly. “Don’t stop and think about it, just come, no matter what time the day or night. If you can get to us unseen, we’ll manage to get you out of Edo until Seemon-san can make his arrangements.”
“Thank you. But I’m not going to bring danger to my friends.”
And it would be terribly dangerous for them. If Lord Dai found out the truth, and that I had gone to them, then the geisha in the Hidden House would share my fate. I could not do that to them, no matter what.
“I’ll manage somehow. Whatever happens, it can’t be any worse than it was this time. If he finally notices anything, I’ll lie to him. Tell him I have a problem with my stomach. Perhaps if I tell him I’m horribly constipated and that’s why it’s swollen it might disenchant him!” I joked weakly.
The girls helped me back into my kimono, and Hiromi insisted I take a pair of her geta to get me back across the gravel.
“I’ll return them as soon as I can,” I promised.
“Make sure you do!” she said firmly and then smiled. “Anything that brings you back to us is worth its weight in pearls. Take care, little Terue. And next time we see you, I hope it is in happiness.”
Nineteen
The nail that sits the
Proudest invites the hammer
To knock it down flat
I thought I would never sleep the rest of that night, but I was so exhausted and distressed that before I knew it, the light on my face woke me up and I realized that it was actually much later in the morning than when I usually awoke. And I was barely dressed before Aimi came to say that Auntie wanted to see me.
I kneeled in front of her, trying not to show my deep fear. No summons from Auntie was ever to be treated lightly. Were yet more troubles to be heaped on my shoulders?
“So, Terue. It has been how long since your mizuage?” I remained silent. Auntie knew perfectly well it had been well over half a year ago. “A long time, I think. And there has been nobody but Lord Dai for you, in all that time?”
“No, Auntie,” I lied woodenly. She knew. She was playing with me. I waited silently for the executioner’s axe to fall.
“Excellent. Well, child. I must tell you a message from Lord Dai was waiting for me as soon as I woke this morning. I’m amazed that you didn’t come and wake me to tell me the good news yourself. But I daresay that you were too shy to mention it to me.” I nodded silently, wishing she would just get on with it. “Or perhaps you were on your way to talk to me about it now. But no matter. I have to tell you that you are the most fortunate geisha in the whole of the Floating World. Lord Dai has made an offer for you.” She was smiling widely at me, nodding her head and raising her eyebrows, obviously expecting me to be delighted. Her words were so far away from what I had expected, I was struck dumb.
Auntie prodded me playfully in the shoulder with her cane.
“And—from your point of view—it is even better than one might expect. He hasn’t offered to make you his concubine. You’ve enchanted him to such an extent, he wants to marry you. He’s got everything arranged. You are to be formally adopted by Lord Ito’s family. Once that is in place, you will take the Ito family name and Lord Dai will marry you. I hope, child, that you realize how the gods have smiled on you.”
Her words penetrated my mind slowly. Before I could manage to speak, I was shaking my head.
“No.” I raised my head and looked at Auntie. For one insane moment, I contemplated telling her the whole truth. But the moment died and I told her only part of it. “I will not marry him, Auntie. I cringe every time he touches me. I would spend the whole of the time I was with him in hell.”
To my astonishment, I could see clearly that Auntie was not surprised. She raised her eyes to heaven and sighed.
“You are a stupid child, Terue. Go on, tell me. Do you think yourself in love with some poor student or other? Or is it that you have fallen for the charms of a handsome kabuki actor? I knew you would be difficult. It doesn’t matter, anyway. Lord Dai wants you, and that’s the end of it. Are you really surprised? After all, you’ve finally proved the witch’s prophecy.” I shook my head, my expression tight with disgust, and Auntie prodded me again with her cane. Hard, this time. “And as for this nonsense about living the rest o
f your life in hell, that’s up to you, isn’t it? If you put your womanly talents to good use, you could kill him in a few months. If he’s tougher than I think he is, within a year at the most. And then you will be a rich, free woman from a good family. What else could you want?”
She meant it. I stared at her in abject horror. It was all such a mess, and I could see no way out of it. I wanted to weep. For myself. For Seemon. And above all for our baby. I stared straight ahead, listening to Auntie’s gloating voice. My thoughts tumbled like butterflies in the sun.
At that moment, my babe chose to turn. The movement was so unexpected, I gasped out loud. Auntie glanced at me and I somehow had the presence of mind to turn the noise into a laugh.
“I hear you, Auntie. But no. My answer is the same. I will not marry Lord Dai. In fact, I don’t want him near me ever again. I hate him.”
I was rigid with panic. But I forced my stiff lips to smile, all the same.
“You are beyond my belief, Terue.” Obviously convinced at last, Auntie got to her feet. She towered over me as I kneeled before her. “That’s your last word?”
“It is.”
“Then we must take measures to break that willful mind of yours.”
I could have pushed past her, I supposed. Ran for the door and escaped into the Floating World. But even as I thought it, I knew there was no point. I wouldn’t have gotten to the end of the street before the boys caught me, and they would not be gentle. For my baby’s sake, I couldn’t risk it.
Auntie was staring at me as if she still couldn’t believe I was defying her.
“You will go to Lord Dai in the end,” she said quietly. “And before long you will be glad to go to him, I promise you. His message said he was going out of Edo. No doubt the poor fool is making preparations for your marriage. While he is gone, you will stay in your room. Nobody will see you. Nobody will even speak to you. I will take away your samisen and your books. I don’t want you to be distracted from your thoughts about your future. I will feed you, but you’re only going to get plain rice and water. You may go to the bath, but you will go alone. You will not leave your room, not unless the tea house is on fire. One or other of the boys will guard your door day and night. When you come to your senses, you may ask the boys to bring you to see me. Until then, you are dead to me.”
Bigger escorted me to my room and went away with armfuls of my possessions. He paused in the doorway and shook his head at me, his expression amused. He waited for me to speak, but when I did not, he shrugged and turned away. For the longest time after he had gone, I simply sat on the tatami and stared into space.
And then my baby turned. I put my hand on my belly and gave thanks.
Twenty
The tallest tree is
Surely grown to be climbed by
The very smallest!
If I had I really been alone, then I don’t doubt I would have given in quickly. I had never been on my own in my entire life. When I was a child in the village, I was always surrounded by my brothers and my parents. Here in the tea house, the other geisha were always close by.
To be truly alone, day after day after day, was something I could not even begin to comprehend.
But of course, I was not alone. I had my dear daughter with me constantly. Even though I could not speak aloud to her, for fear one of the boys would hear me, I could chatter away happily to her in my own mind.
And in one way, Auntie had done me a very great favor. There was nobody to notice my thickening waistline. I saw only the maid, Aimi, and she barely dared to exchange more than a whispered word to me when she brought me my rice or escorted me to the bath. She knew. I saw it in her anxious glances. I reassured her with a smile and a single finger placed against my lips. Even so, as she poured rinsing water over me in the bathhouse, she had the courage to whisper, “Seemon-san?”
I inclined my head in answer, not at all sure that Auntie wasn’t watching us through one of her many peepholes.
“He’s back in Edo,” she murmured, leaning close to me as she helped me climb into the bath. I closed my eyes. How could I have lost count of the days that had passed since I had been imprisoned? My heart clenched with worry. How long had he been back? Did he wonder why I had disappeared? Did he think I had given in and gone to Lord Dai after all? My anxiety was so great, I risked a whisper to Aimi.
“When?”
“A few days ago. I’ll get word to him.”
She moved away and I stepped carefully into the steaming water.
I had always loved the bath. At first, it had been the simple joy of being thoroughly clean. Soon, it had grown beyond that as I came to understand that the bath was a place to gossip and linger and laugh in the company of the other geisha. The only time that the pleasure was absent was when Big and Bigger bathed with us. Even though they kept to their own side of the bath, we were inhibited by them. When the boys were present, the bath was a quiet, hurried affair.
Now, I soaked and climbed out with as little pleasure as if the boys had been with me.
But at least I had hope. Seemon was back. Aimi would get word to him. Somehow, he would come and release me. Us. And then I remembered that he had no idea that I was carrying his child and misery descended like persistent rain on a summer day. Would he be angry? Would he still want me to escape with him?
I sat in my room and for the first time since Auntie had locked me away, the tears flowed.
“Feeling sorry for yourself, are you?”
I smeared the tears away with the back of my hand and blinked and focused. “Big. I didn’t hear you come in. Please.” I waved my hand at my bare room. “Make yourself as comfortable as you can.”
“Why couldn’t you wait for me?”
I stared at him, not understanding. His face was set but his eyes betrayed his hurt.
“What? I don’t know what you mean.” I tried the effect of a smile, and for a moment I thought Big was about to strike me. I jerked away from him and he lowered his hand and stared at it as if it was strange to him.
“It’s not Lord Dai’s. I could understand it if it was. But we gathered from Auntie that he couldn’t manage to pleasure you until recently. So who is your baby’s father, Terue? Who managed to sneak in before your danna?”
He might just as well have hit me. I could do no more than shake my head.
“Don’t bother denying it. The others must be blind.” I put my hand on my belly defensively, but he shook his head. “You’ve put on a bit of fat, but that’s easily explained by all the rice Auntie’s making you eat. It’s not that. It’s you. You’re glowing. I’ve watched you sitting there with a happy smile on your face. Sometimes you put your head on one side, as if you’re talking to somebody. And you are, aren’t you?”
“Yes,” I said simply. What was the point in denying it?
“Who?” he persisted. “One of the other patrons? Somebody you met outside the tea house? Who?”
He stood and leaned over me. Placed his hands on my shoulders and thrust his face toward me. So close his pupils were enormous.
“Do you love him?”
“Yes.” I saw the pain in his eyes and felt hugely sorry for him, this man the other girls thought so terrible. Even knowing that he and Bigger were lovers made no difference. Who was to say he couldn’t love both of us? And suddenly, I was sure that he would never hurt me. No matter what.
“Big, will you help me escape?”
“Why should I? So you can run off with your lover?” He tried to sound amused, but his voice caught and grated.
“If you love me, then help me. If I stay here much longer, then Auntie will know. And if that happens, things will be very bad for me. And my baby. You don’t want to see me hurt, probably killed.”
“Who? If you want me to help you, then tell me. Who stole my place, Terue?”
I saw his pain shine through his attempts to keep a stone face. I could not lie to him.
“Seemon-san.”
I expected him to be furious. I ha
d taken a gaijin for my lover, dared to prefer a foreign barbarian to him. His reaction bewildered me.
He threw his head back and howled with laughter.
“Seemon-san? Really? By all the gods, that man must truly have something that the rest of us lack. Does he really have a tail? Or is it something even more mysterious?”
I put my head on one side, watching his face anxiously.
“I don’t understand.”
Big grinned into my bewildered face. “You do know he’s been Auntie’s lover almost since he first appeared in the Floating World?”
His grin widened as he saw my appalled expression. I shook my head, mute with horror. Seemon, my lover, had pleasured himself with Auntie? I didn’t want to believe Big, but in my heart, I knew he was right. Suddenly, so many small things that had puzzled me made perfect sense. Seemon, who had been Auntie’s guest of honor so very often. Who always seemed to know her plans. How he knew that Lord Dai had cheated to win me. I remembered the way the geisha in the Hidden House had looked at each other when I had told them he was the father of my baby. At the time, I had thought it was just shock. But now I understood. Did everybody in the Floating World know Auntie was his lover? Everybody but me? My baby kicked, but for once I could take no pleasure in it.
Why hadn’t he told me? I would have been hurt. Oh yes! But at least it would have been better than this humiliation.
“I didn’t know,” I said dully. Big stared at me. His grin faded, and I understood that he felt sorry for me. I hated him for it.
“He should have told you,” he said angrily. “She pounced on him almost as soon as he appeared amongst us. I daresay he didn’t stand much of a chance. What Auntie wants, she gets. I should have guessed he was your lover. Bigger was only saying the other day that Auntie’s was a winter romance, and that come the spring her lover had lost all interest in her. Of course he had. What would he want with Auntie when he had you?”