Dominus

by Terina Adams

  I lost myself, my body, my senses, my mind, my memory. Time became this single moment. I didn’t even know if I was falling anymore. It was like everything had been compressed into a tiny dot. Then I felt a tug in the center of my stomach. Next it felt like I was about to fall apart—literally, like my skin had disappeared and the rest of me was about to float away. My pulse throbbed through my ears and the steady build of pressure in my head made me fearful of another massive headache. I couldn’t reel my mind in or calm the panic attack, but at that moment, a hand squeezed mine. This was the one thing I needed to keep me sane. I focused on Jax’s and my connection and used that to get me through.

  A feather touch trailed along my eyelids and down my cheeks. The sensation dragged my awareness back, and that’s when I noticed the cold wind had stilled. My body was no longer falling. I opened my eyes and found myself facing Jax. He rested one hand on my hip; the other hovered close to my cheek.

  I looked around us to find nothing, just a dull, hazy gray, no distinction between up or down, no contours or detail. It was as if we’d stepped into the virtual game, or into a vacuum.

  “Where are we?”

  “It’s a place of in-between, which means it’s nowhere. It’s nothing. And it’s the only place we’re free.”

  “Are we inside the game?”

  “No. The game exists. This does not. But it’s not a place we can stay for long.”

  “This is where you went when you jumped off the tower.”

  “It’s like a seam, or a loop in time. It’s an escape for a short while.”

  “How did we get here?”

  “All the dimensions exist side by side. It’s like when you make a choice to do something, which leads you down a certain path to a certain future. At that point of choice, there were a myriad of different decisions you could’ve made, but you didn’t. Now imagine that those other possibilities didn’t just disappear because you chose not to take them, but continued to exist alongside the reality you live that was governed by the choice you made. Now expand beyond possibilities to possible worlds. The dimensions exist side by side. If you are able to, you see them as discrete bands. All you need to do is select the band you wish to take. And that’s easy to do when you know where you’re going as you just need to focus on an element of your destination. It ends up almost like a luminescent light within the band you need to take. After you’ve done it enough times, you can start to catalogue all the luminesce into a mental map.”

  He moved away from me. “Shifting is like your body is being torn apart, but on a minute scale. Every molecule that is your makeup oscillates as it makes the shift. But you have to know what you’re doing in order to make sure you take every part of you along when you do it.”

  “Is this really real?”

  “It’s more real than the life you live.”

  I laughed, then covered my mouth because it sounded crazy again.

  “It’s our connection that gets you through. As a shifter, I’m the one who activates the oscillation of our molecules, through this.” He pointed to his temple. “I’m the one who gathers them all together and pulls them through. And don’t worry, I’m good at it. I can shift us through fast enough gravity or the earth’s rotation doesn’t affect you.”

  “Shifter?”

  “Blows your mind, doesn’t it? But it can’t be any weirder than learning about factional natures.” He spun in a slow circle. “The in-between is the place you move to before you cross over. Normally you cross and you never visit the in-between, but if you want to, you can linger awhile. But not for long.”

  All I could do was shake my head as I looked around at the nothingness of the place.

  “There’s nothing bad about this. I find it calming. It’s a place where we can exist as equals.”

  “And we can’t anywhere else?”

  “Everywhere else, you’re one thing or another and never just you. Not like here.”

  “Is this all attached to Dominus?”

  “The in-between always exists. But only special people can reach it.”

  “People like you, shifters?”

  “Yes.”

  “How many of you are there?”

  He paced away from me. “You don’t want to be in my world. It’s a cruel and lonely place. Unfortunately, you don’t have a choice. I wish it wasn’t the case.”

  What was going on here? There was a subtle shift in Jax’s mood, a tensity to his tone. I wanted to change it back to where we were a few moments ago. “Thank you for bringing me here. I guess I trust you now.”

  “You shouldn’t. I’m Aris, remember? And you can never trust those outside your faction.” He’d created a chasm between us, not just in distance from his pacing but in his declaration.

  “Now you’ve put us in categories. I thought this place was a place we were beyond that.”

  “You’re right, it is. But like I said, it’s a transitory place, and then you must be who you are again. There is no real escape.”

  “What would’ve happened when the green warrior attacked me had you not intervened?”

  There was a moment’s delay before he replied. “You would’ve been killed.”

  “In the game and in real life?”

  “Yes.”

  I closed the distance between us.

  “And an Aris saved me, a Persal.”

  “Don’t mistake me for a hero. I’ll only disappoint you.”

  With a hand on his chin, I turned his face to the side so I could see his tattoo. “Maybe there is loyalty beyond factions.”

  Jax gently withdrew his chin from my hold. Where had the mood of moments ago gone? When the softer emotions emerged, he slammed them down fast. When the gap between us inched a little closer, he ripped it apart once he realized it was happening.

  “What are you afraid of?”

  With his penetrating black eyes, he sunk deep within me. “It’s you who should be afraid.”

  “Maybe I should be, but I can’t help but feel gratitude toward someone who saved my life.”

  “Don’t, Sable. Trying to find something that isn’t will hurt you in the end.”

  Because you were hurt?

  “We’ve been here long enough.” He held out his hand. “Reality hurts enough without making it worse. Close your eyes.”

  “I don’t want to. I’m not ready to leave this place.” Away from here and I would have to face everything I’d learned.

  “We can’t exist here long because it’s a transitory place. It’s not bound by time or location, so we could easily become lost.”

  “That doesn’t sound so bad.”

  “And what about your brother, your mother?”

  Why did he have to destroy any small moments of peace? “Why do we all have to be enemies?”

  “Because it’s not our choice.”

  “Everyone has a choice as to who they want to trust and who they want to hate.”

  “Not everyone,” he said as he took my hand.

  “Not in my world.”

  “You’re no longer in your world, Sable. You’re now in mine.”

  My body was pulled. I closed my eyes as the gray slid across my vision and my stomach balled up in a knot. Soon the strength in my limbs weakened. Jax tightened his hold, but my body felt weird, like it wouldn’t remain glued together. I wasn’t sure if I was still holding on, if Jax was there, of where we were. I fought against the creeping tendrils of darkness sucking my consciousness away, fought but lost as the weakness took hold. It felt like I was being sucked through a straw, until there was little feeling anymore, until I slowly ebbed away.

  Chapter 20

  I jerked awake thinking I was still holding Jax’s hand. Instead I was in my bed. This was the second time I’d blacked out, the feeling disorienting, like I hadn’t missed a thing, but really I’d missed a whole heap of stuff, such as how we returned from the in-between and how I got home.

  I wasn’t going insane. And if I was, I had enough company. In that
company was my dad. For all these years, he’d been a part of this elaborate game, this elaborate lie. But not just him; I was a part of it too, and Ajay. What about Mum? If she was a part of this lie, she would not have turned to Dad’s enemy, Carter. Mum was innocent, as was Ajay, for now. It was up to me to make sure he stayed that way. My being Persal would mean Dad was Persal, but who else? Holden, of course. He was a part of this family of factions I was supposed to hold allegiance to.

  With everything unraveling as fast as it had last night, I’d missed asking so many questions. Like what was this impending war and the few things Jax had said about the in-between and other dimensions. I couldn’t keep playing this game with my limited understanding. I needed to know what I faced, who my enemies were, and how I would save my family.

  Mum and Ajay were in the kitchen. Pans clanked, the radio announcer jabbered, and Ajay asked for the butter and a knife, a normal morning in any household. After months of living in a silent home that felt akin to living in a morgue, I should be grateful for what I heard. Mum had found a purpose, a way to support her family with a good job. Ajay’s somber frown had transformed into a smile. To him, everything was shifting back to almost normal.

  My life was worse than weeks ago. I thought Dad’s imprisonment and our squalor were as bad as it could get. How about fighting for your life and that of your family? On a scale of one to ten, how bad was that? Off the scale. I couldn’t even begin to plot where my life now sat. I wasn’t good at working out life’s problems. My world had been small and my dad was always there to make the difficult stuff go away. Now there was no one but me.

  I rolled over and pulled the covers up around my chin. I didn’t want to face this on my own, but I had little choice. Carter had Mum. He had me. Soon he would target Ajay. With Dad in jail, there was nothing stopping him.

  I pulled the covers up over my head as I groaned, not wanting to face the jumble that was my life and my emotions. Dad wasn’t a murderer. The relief would’ve been greater had it not been shadowed by everything else I had learned. Not a murderer but he was guilty nonetheless. As one of the game designers, he was as guilty as everyone else for sending innocent people to death for not being good enough. Elva and Jax hated him, but they were Aris, so their judgment was likely clouded.

  I threw the covers back down to my waist. Listen to yourself. I was as bad as Jax, believing factions hated each other simply because they were different.

  I closed my eyes and groaned again. Holden was just as bad, another designer, another guilty for all these teenage deaths. And I was supposed to trust him. Yet I’d been a pawn to everyone, had been all along, used to checkmate my dad. I curled myself into the fetal position and tried not to think about how stupid and innocent I’d been.

  Covers thrown back, I rolled over to stare at the ceiling with a huff, then launched out of bed, sick of being on this merry-go-round in my head. This was not the way to survive. I had to stop blaming and doubting myself. I threw on clothes that would not impede me when I trained and headed to the kitchen.

  Mum turned from the sink and put her dishcloth down as I entered. I took a subtle in breath and poured some milk.

  “I tried to phone you last night to let you know of my sudden change in plans.”

  “Sorry, Mum. I saw your message too late. I lost track of time.”

  “Seven thirty, that’s too late without a word.”

  “I know. I’m sorry, Mum.”

  “Don’t make me restrict your freedom. I know I struggled with your dad’s…” She flicked a glance at Ajay. “Anyway. I want to trust you. And that means keeping me informed of what you’re up to. Ring me if you’re going to be late. Have fun, make new friends, but if you give me a reason to lose trust in you, then we’ll go back to the way it was.”

  I longed for my life to rewind and, unbelievably, have Dad back in our lives. “Sure. I understand.”

  “Good. Now eat some breakfast. Marleen said you went straight to bed without dinner. You feeling all right?”

  “I’m fine.”

  Ajay’s frown made me feel reprimanded again, so I busied myself buttering toast. Strangely enough, Ajay had had the maturity to keep his mouth shut about my disappearance last night from Marleen and Mum.

  Mum eyed my clothes. “You wearing that to school?”

  “I can’t find anything clean.”

  “I’ll put a load on before I go.”

  “Go where?”

  “My first day, sweetheart.”

  Oh, yeah, dammit. But as long as I stuck with the deal, Carter wouldn’t do anything to Mum, which meant I had to show I was keeping my end of the bargain.

  “I want to make a good impression, so I’m prepared to stay late and finish anything undone from the day. I expect I will be a little slower than most, my first day and all.”

  So I didn’t have to reply, I gulped my milk.

  “Remember no plans are to be made for Saturday afternoon.”

  I nearly choked on the last of my milk. She was meaning our regular visit to see Dad, which we might not be able to do after his rampage. What could I say to Mum to explain why and how I got there? The truth, possibly, but perhaps knowing the truth would put her in danger.

  I felt Ajay’s stare bore into the side of my head. Another weird thing for a ten-year-old, Ajay had also kept his mouth shut about our visit, and Jax. He was acting bizarrely adult and smart about all the secrets I had him keep. My heart ached at what I made my little brother do. Normal ten-year-old boys shouldn’t have to lie to their parents about important things that impacted upon everyone’s survival. But then normal ten-year-old boys didn’t have a ticking bomb inside their heads or the threat of death at the hands of a virtual game.

  “Ajay, get dressed, honey, it’s almost time to go.” Mom reprimanded Ajay with a smile and he scooted off to get dressed.

  Time I also disappeared. Being here was all too normal when my head was filled with the abnormal. Perhaps a day would come where being at home felt surreal and life in Dominus was my reality?

  “I think I’ll get going.”

  “Finish your toast.”

  “I’ll take it with me.”

  I kissed Mum on the cheek. “Good luck today.”

  “Thanks, sweetheart. There’s a lasagna in the fridge in case I’m not home in time.”

  I disappeared out the door before Mum could say anything else.

  I’d just found my seat on the bus when my phone rang. Holden beat me to the phone call.

  “I’m on my way to your club.”

  “I spoke to Jax last night.”

  “Was it civil?”

  “What’s between us is not as bad as you think. Besides, he understands the importance of cooperation. We’re going there today. If you’re closer to my club, we can go together. If not, I’ll see you there.”

  “Are you going to be all right with Elva around?”

  “This takes precedence over anything personal. Elva knows that.”

  “I wish I could blanket my emotions so easily.”

  “You will once you understand what we’re doing.”

  That explained Jax’s walled personality every time we entered the game. “Yeah, about that. Before I wear that dotted suit, you’re going to tell me everything.”

  “I will, I promise. I owe you that.”

  “And Jax, will he be willing to share?”

  “Not as much as me.”

  No surprises there.

  “I also want to speak to Dad.”

  I knew the truth and I wanted him to know that. Seventeen years of lying, seventeen years of protection, and it made no difference in the end. Mostly I wanted him to know I was all right, that I would do my best, that I would survive.

  “It won’t be easy, but I’ll see what I can do.”

  “I’ll get myself to the warehouse. See you there.”

  I’d get off at the next stop and find myself the right bus, but for the moment I was happy to remain where I was, blanketed from my
future for the short time it took me to disembark. Four months ago, I was worried whether my grades would be good enough to attend my choice of college. I thought about boyfriends and wondered if a day would come when I had one of my own instead of eavesdropping in the toilets to get my fill of romance. Here I stood now, not knowing if I would stay alive long enough to have a future and hoping I could keep Ajay and Mum safe.

  The bus slowed and I leaped from my seat and clambered down the steps, beating an old guy with a walking stick, who no doubt cursed me under his breath for being rude.

  I wasn’t going to worry about trying to find the right bus. Instead I would run. The last few weeks vortexed around in my head. From Dad and Jax to Carter and Mum, also Dominus and the world’s fate, Aris and Persal, tattoos meaning more than interesting pictures, stairwells that led to an abyss. Nothing made sense. The one thing most people relied on, reality, wasn’t my friend anymore because even that was lying. People can’t do scary, dangerous things with their minds, people can’t leave this worldly plain for another; except they can and they do.

  So I ran. I ran hard and I ran fast. My legs slammed against the paving, jarring me through, but I kept going. I passed one bus, then two, ignored both, and pushed through the wall of pain every athlete knew, down the curb, through fleeting gaps between traffic, up the curb on the other side of the street, and on. Buildings whizzed by me like a blur, people too, their faces jumbling into one. The jars went as far as my brain. Each pounding jolt sent a spasm through my head. It was like I was trying to punish myself for being who I was, for being so stupid as to fall into this messed-up alternate reality. I kept going, pushing harder, going faster, as if I wanted to outrun the truth, wanted to outrun my life.

  When I reached the warehouse, I collapsed against the wall and gasped huge wheezing breaths. My legs shook with exhaustion and my lungs hurt, yet I was still in the same spot—that is, quite possibly doomed.

  Once I thought I could string a sentence together in one breath, I rang the bell and the door clicked straightaway. When the lift doors opened onto the apartment, I stayed where I was because everyone was there and looking at me, everyone minus my dad.