by Jen Luerssen
“No one told you for obvious reasons, and they are mad because the plan was for her to be surprised when she saw him at the end of the aisle. I’m not sure exactly how it was going to go down but you ruined it,” he says, smiling because I fucked up.
My head hurts, and this is why I don’t like people in general. Just get married, be in love, and be happy. Why does it have to be complicated with surprises, big gestures, and secret weddings?
“I have a headache,” I tell Joe, hoping he will leave me alone. “Go away.”
“Ok, Frank, you think about what you did, you naughty boy. I’ll be here to record every moment of your apology when you’re ready.”
I throw a pillow at him and he leaves my room in hysterical laughter. He’s not wrong, I’ll probably apologize for ruining the surprise, but I won’t be sorry I made Lia feel better. Laying there, still slightly damp from Joe’s wake up, I realize how I can make it up to everyone.
F*cking Born on the Fourth of July
IT’S MY BIRTHDAY AND NO one wants anything to do with me. Sounds about right. Mikey won’t talk to me, and Javier, who came up yesterday, has ignored me. That’s okay though because it’s not going to last long. When I woke up the day after I ruined the wedding surprise I burst into Joe’s room, threw a glass of water in his face (paybacks), and told him about my plan. He was immediately on board and we went to work.
Today is the day, the day everyone will get the fuck over it, the day Lia and Javier will have their stupid wedding party, and more importantly the day Mikey will forgive me. I hope.
Joe and I, with the help of Sebass and the staff, minus Mikey, I wanted her to be surprised too, fuck it, moved the wedding party a day up. All of the preparations had already been made, so it wasn’t impossible. Getting everyone to show up a day early was a challenge but most were coming up or already here anyway. They all thought I was a genius for surprising both of them. There is one thing I kept completely to myself. The justice of the peace Javier hired to marry them was not able to make the change so I called an old friend.
Sebastian convinced Mikey, Lia, and Javier to go to brunch with him and then to get massages. While they are out, Joe, the Monkey staff and I get busy getting everything ready. We set up chairs for the ceremony by the orchard, and the reception will be in the yard behind the tasting room and kitchen. We’ve set the tables, strung up paper lanterns, and placed centerpieces overflowing with poppies on every surface. Guests start to arrive and all gather inside the tasting room for champagne and appetizers.
Around four o’clock, Sebastian pulls up and they all get out of the car, looking well pampered and generally happy. Mikey is the first one to notice me. I’m standing by the front door of the tasting room in a black suit and tie with a sign that says “I’m Sorry.”
They walk toward me with unreadable expressions but I continue to stand there smiling like an idiot.
“What is this, Fucking Frank?” Lia asks, slightly annoyed.
I chuck the sign on the ground and open the door. “This is your wedding,” I say and gesture for them to go inside.
Lia follows Javier and once they are both in, the crowd shouts, “Surprise!”
For some fucking reason, Lia starts to cry and I’m worried. She turns to me and grabs my neck pulling me in for a hug and a kiss on the cheek. Javier gives me a pat on the shoulder but doesn’t look thrilled. Probably pissed I took his surprise over. He was still going through with the surprise wedding, so maybe he thinks I’ll take all the credit, nope.
“It was all Javi’s idea, we just decided to bump it up a day so he would be surprised too,” I say into her ear. “I’m just trying to reverse my fuck up.”
She steps back and pats my chest. “Mission accomplished, Frank.”
“Colette here is going to take you to get dressed, and Joe will take Javi.” I stare at Mikey. “You are mine.”
She smirks. “Oh, am I?”
I grab her hand and she follows me out. She says nothing as we get in a golf cart. The silence is deafening as we drive to her cabin. I’m not sure if we are on solid ground and it’s worrying me. I didn’t expect her to forgive me without a talk, but she is freezing me out and I’m not sure why.
Mikey hops out before the cart comes to a full stop and she storms into her home, slamming the door. I hesitate, it’s pretty clear she doesn’t want me to come in, so I wait outside.
When she comes out, I notice her outfit is nothing like mine. We have pretty religiously been wearing the same outfits for weeks, even the past few days when she wasn’t talking to me, I’d see her and smile because we were wearing the same thing, she would get obviously frustrated and go in the other direction. My heart sinks, she’s making a statement, and I don’t think it’s a positive one. She is stunning though, in a deep red fifties style dress, fitted on top with a flared skirt. The desire to touch her is overwhelming, it’s been a few days and my body is in need of hers.
“Don’t,” she snaps as I reach for her, “I’m not happy with you right now.”
“I get that, but I don’t know why. Why, Mikey?” I ask. “We have to talk, that’s for sure, but why are you unhappy?”
“Later,” she says and gets in the cart and drives off, leaving me to walk back in 90-degree heat in a suit.
* * *
When I get there, the party moves to the ceremony spot. Javier stands under a trellis flower thing and I stand behind it.
“Where’s Doc?” Javier asks. Doc was the officiant that was to marry them tomorrow.
“Well, Doc couldn’t come today so I thought I could step in.” He looks at me in horror and I am almost insulted.
“No offense, Frank, but you are the last person I want marrying me,” he says.
“No offense taken, Javier, but the options were limited and I was the only one qualified,” I say just as Joe plays the opening guitar to Nothing Else Matters. Javier’s head turns as Lia appears at the end of the aisle. She is radiant and beautiful in a simple vintage wedding gown. Her hair is ridiculously complicated so I know Paul stepped in with his hair magic. She stares at Javier the whole walk down the aisle so she doesn’t notice me there until she stops right in front of me.
“Hi, Frank,” she says, not looking at me at all. “You gonna marry us today?”
“Nope,” I say and step to the side as my friend James steps up. “This guy is.”
Lia’s eyes widen and Javier finally looks and is shocked as well.
“Holy mother fucking Metallica,” Lia whispers and I laugh at her.
“Fucking Frank,” Javier chimes in shaking his head.
“Yep,” I say and kiss her cheek, “You deserve every happiness, love you Li.”
She wipes a tear as I step around the back of the arch and take a seat in the front row next to Joe.
“Dude, is that?” Joe asks and I nod to shut him up.
“I think Frank is forgiven,” Andrew’s wife Jen says next to me and pats my knee.
When I make eye contact with Mikey across the aisle, I get a sinking feeling in my stomach. She looks even more pissed if that’s possible. I may be forgiven by my friends, but the woman I love looks unforgiving.
F*cking Frank Fucked Up
THE RECEPTION WAS BEAUTIFUL AND fun. Javier and Lia, their friends and family all had a fantastic time. There was a ton of delicious food, only the best wine from the Thirsty Monkey, and the DJ I hired was not at all douchey. When dinner was done, there was a lot of dancing and laughter.
I’m assuming all of this to be true since I witnessed the smiles, took the pats on the back for my successful surprise of getting a famous heavy metal vocalist to marry my friends. Both Lia and Javier forgave me and were over the moon to have someone they admired so much a part of their wedding. Joe thankfully stayed by my side most of the night since it was clear that Mikey was not interested in any sort of forgiveness and seemed to really fucking hate me now.
What should have been a night to remember for good reasons, my friends celebrating th
eir marriage, was a little taste of misery for me. I’ve wracked my brain to figure out the source of Mikey’s anger and the only conclusion I can come to is that she has some sort of twisted view of what I did for Lia and that I still love her. This is, of course, not the case, and I’m sitting here again on her front porch waiting for her to come home so I can make it right. Hours go by and I read a little on my phone until it runs out of charge.
Sun beats down on my face, as I wake up and feel like I’ve slept on a wooden floor. Laying on Mikey’s front porch I realize that’s exactly what I did. I stretch my legs and sit up feeling like shit. Either she didn’t come home or she left me out here asleep when she did. Both of these options are not good for me.
I get up, dust off my suit, and take off my jacket. It’s early but the sun is hot as I stretch, pop my back and try to make my body feel like it’s 33, not 100. There is only the golf cart that I drove out here last night so she’s probably not here. I knock on the door anyway, just in case. Nothing but silence in response, I jump in the cart and head back to my cabin.
Once there, I find Joe passed out on the couch, snoring like a bear. I half wake him and push him toward his own room. I don’t think he actually wakes up as I hear his body hit his bed. My room is sadly empty. I sit on the bed and put my head in my hands. My life, fuck. For once, I thought I had a simple, somewhat sane thing going with Mikey. After yesterday, I know that’s maybe not the case.
There’s a light knock at the door and I rush to answer, hoping it’s her. It’s not.
“Hey, Frankie baby,” Sebass gives me a half smile and my heart sinks.
“Why are you here so early?” I ask, barely keeping my shit together.
“Just wanted to let you know if you need a few days off, I won’t mind. Lia and Javier are going on a mini honeymoon to Portland for a few days and I thought maybe you’d benefit from a break.”
“Is this about me or about Mikey?” I ask, rubbing the spot over my heart where I’m feeling unbearable pain. “Where is she?”
“She slept in the main building last night. I don’t know what’s going on with you guys but she’s a mess and you don’t look so good either.”
“I just need to talk to her and we can work something out,” I say and half believe it.
He shakes his head. “I asked her this morning to go talk to you and she is so heated right now I don’t think you’d make any headway.”
“So the solution is to leave?” I’m not sure how I feel about the idea.
“I need Mikey on the vineyard, this is getting to be a busy time and if you are here and it’s distracting her, that’s not good for anyone.”
“You’ve talked to her about why she’s mad at me?”
He cringes a little and looks to the floor. “Frank, you fucked up. Look man, I know you and how hard you love your friends. The thing you did for Lia yesterday was sweet and because we know you, we know the lengths you’ll go for a friend. Try to look at it from Mikey’s perspective. This is a woman she knows you had feelings for, and you planned her wedding and got a rock god to officiate. That might seem to someone an ultimate expression of love and unbelievably sweet. I know that the gesture was meant in friendship, and so does everyone else. If you’re the girlfriend you may be a bit less impressed if you thought you were the one he loved. Maybe not the most mature conclusion but it’s a valid emotion.”
“Then let me talk to her and clear that bullshit up,” I say a little louder than I wanted to.
He puts his hand on my arm. “Look, Frank, I don’t know what she’s told you about Archie, but that situation messed her up. He had her and everyone fooled. I honestly thought they were happy and in love, ready to get married and start their own business. About a month before the wedding, he shows up with Sadie, Mikey’s best friend from college, at Mikey’s parents’ house. He proceeds to tell Mikey and her parents that he’s sorry but he’s fallen in love with Sadie and they are married.”
“What?” I’m shocked and a little hurt that I’m hearing all of this from Sebastian.
“Yeah, they went to Vegas and eloped. The worst was they had been dating for over a year while he was engaged to Mikey. Sadie lived in Davis, where Archie was still commuting to for a few classes three days a week. Instead of staying at his place like he told Mikey, he was staying with Sadie. She would have been pissed regardless, but the fact that they had both lied and gone behind her back made her livid. She faked forgiveness, went for a hug with Archie, gripped his head and brought it down on her knee. She broke his nose and then went for Sadie.”
“Jesus.”
“Yep, after she came to me, told me she wanted to open the Monkey with me. She already had the capital, the experience, and her name didn’t hurt, so it happened pretty quickly since I had the property lined up. She threw herself into her work and stuffed the anger down. Eventually, she seemed like herself again, but there’s been a spark missing until you showed up.” I look at him and he gives me a smile. “That’s why I think you should leave.”
“That makes no sense.” I shake my head.
“Give her some space, to think about you and your intentions. Let me and Joe reassure her that you are just a big old sap that would do the same for any of us. Trust me.”
I let out a breath and nod. “I trust you, and I probably do need a break. I’m only going for three days, and I’m going to still call and text her. You and Joe better work a miracle so she’ll talk to me when I get back.”
“Done, bro, I’m sorry this is happening but I feel good about it.”
“I don’t need anyone to feel good about it except Mikey,” I say as I head to my room to pack.
F*cking Not the Right Move
WHY I LISTENED TO THAT asshole is a mystery. I’ve been home for one day and I feel like I’ve made things worse. This is the last time I take advice from someone like Sebass. His heart was in the right place but I should have known better. When I arrived home last night it felt good to be in my own space, but it also felt all wrong. My roommate, Sheldon, is at a vet conference learning about how to treat sick frogs or something. He’s always somewhere, perfect roommate actually. The only weird thing is he’s obsessed with miniature food. Even has a miniature working kitchen. So weird, but if you have a roommate that has a hobby, I’d rather it be miniature that giant.
I’m sitting on my couch, sipping coffee, when a text from Mikey comes in. I texted her last night just to let her know I was heading to the city for a few days to give her some space.
Mikey: You fucking left? How is that the mature thing to do? Run away.
Frank: I could argue you ran first. I’ve been trying to talk to you for days. Can I call you?
I don’t wait for her answer and press call next to her name. She must have reservations because she lets the phone ring three times before she picks up.
“Sweetheart,” I say. “Please talk to me. I want to know what you’re feeling. How did I fuck up?”
She lets out a huff of breath. “You said you loved me.”
“I do.”
“Do you love her too?” she asks.
“Who? Lia? I love her as a friend and as someone who is part of my real family.”
“You went to such lengths to make her happy, it’s hard to watch, knowing how you felt about her. I know I’m being unreasonable but I’ve been burned before.”
“I know, Sebastian told me a little about Archie.”
“It wasn’t his place, and Sebass is on my shit list for other things,” she says and I laugh. “Number one is telling you to go. I thought we were on the same page about bullshit, Frank.”
“We are, I truly thought it was the right thing to do to let you cool off. Although, I could call you on the bullshit that was Sebass telling me all of that stuff instead of you.”
“Well I was cool and then I got hot again. I’m sorry that I didn’t go into details about Archie. It wasn’t a proud moment in my life and I’m slightly embarrassed by it, frankly. We can talk when you g
et back, I can’t do this on the phone.”
“I can drive back right now,” I say. “I want to resolve this and get you cool, then warm you up again.”
She softly laughs—a good sign. “Stay, I’m going to my parent’s for the weekend. I need a break from everything.”
“Wow, I know it’s serious if you’re calling your parents’ place a break. I’m sorry I hurt you.”
“I know, Frank, I’ll see you on Monday.” She hangs up and I don’t know what to do so I text her.
Frank: I look forward to Monday. I love you.
I get no response but I can see she reads it.
I spend most of the day on the water and it feels good. My dad taught me how to surf and always lived by the rule that a day on the ocean made everything better. He’s not wrong. I feel re-energized to get back to Sonoma, so instead of waiting another day, I go back Sunday morning.
Joe is laying on our couch buck ass naked eating cherries, spitting the pits into a coffee cup. Not the way I want to be welcomed back but to be fair to him I didn’t give him any warning I’d be back early. Still, I could have lived my whole life without seeing Joe’s ball sack resting on a cushion I’ve sat on. “Hey, Joe, not even a towel, bro? You know other people exist in the world, right?”
He scissors up when he realizes I’m there and now I can’t unsee his junk flailing around as he scrambles to stand and cover up with his hands. “Dude, you were supposed to be gone until tomorrow.”
“Yeah, well here I am, and here you are still naked and not making a move to your room to get dressed,” I say and instead of going to his room like a normal person, he folds his arms over his chest and smiles at me.
“Intimidated, Frankie? I know it’s hard to view all this lean muscle and my horse cock, but I thought someone like you didn’t have hangups about nudity.”
“I have zero hangups, aside from your bare ass being on the couch, I don’t really have a problem,” I say. I don’t have an issue, it’s just Joe that I have an issue with.
“Noted, now I’m going to walk by you, try not to stare too long at my ass,” he says and finally walks to his room.