F*cking Frank

by Jen Luerssen

  Never have I felt such connection

  You bring about all erections

  Surf, cereal, cars

  Our drink the same in every bar

  We check all the weirdest boxes

  Even our dislike of foxes

  Separated at birth

  Our time on Earth

  Magical octopi

  Hearts occupy

  Separated at Birth

  Our time here on Earth

  Your tree I will gladly climb

  It has the power to stop time

  There, there, there

  Our separation isn’t fair

  Eyes hidden behind plastic

  Our dramatization’s elastic

  Wine comes between us

  Whiskey brings us together

  Unfortunately, she can’t have either

  Since she’ll soon be a heavy breather

  Fucking Frank, Mikey loves her man

  She’s hoping you’ll help her plan

  A birth as special as yours

  One that connects you forever more

  Separated at Birth

  Your time here on Earth

  Hope that there will be no more

  You will all three live by the shore

  Together at Birth

  Your time here on Earth

  A new adventure awaits

  One that includes city grapes”

  The last three stanzas of the song are wrong, and when I realize what Lia sang, I drop my bass and jump off the stage. “What is happening?” I ask and look down at what she’s wearing. I huff out a laugh because she is wearing jeans, a white-button down shirt, a tie with tacos on it and a fitted black jacket. Our outfits are the same down to the Docs.

  “We are happening,” she says and I pick her up off the ground and kiss her. I back up, holding her face in my hands. “It’ll just be a bigger we than you and I.”

  She pushes me back and I see she has a matching bump to Lia. My hand goes to it instinctively protective. Tears well in her eyes and I feel my own run down my cheek. “I need more details.”

  “Come with me,” she says and pulls me outside.

  F*cking Life

  I’M IN A FOG AS we ride in an Uber. Mikey wants to wait until we get to my place to talk, and I agree but my mind is racing.

  “How did this happen?” I ask, gently cupping her small abdomen.

  She raises an eyebrow at me. I shrug, knowing full well how it happened. “Fine, how about when did it happen?”

  She purses her lips, tapping her finger on them. “Maybe it was the time you bent me over the porch swing or one of the 800 times you fucked me against the shower wall.”

  “So, any one of the super romantic times we boned,” I tease.

  “That would be right, my love, any of the times we went to bone town we conceived this special human,” she says pointing to her belly and I’m speechless.

  The Uber pulls up to my apartment and I hop out, extending a hand to help Mikey out of the car. I’m at a loss, do I treat her more delicately? Is she feeling okay? Even though I’ve been around Lia she’s been barely visibly pregnant and has had no morning sickness, as she has repeated to us over and over. So other than an excessive amount of naps and no drinking, not much has changed.

  We climb the steps and I’m thinking about the end of the song, that the three of us would live here. All of the sudden my mind is trying to figure out where the stroller would go, lugging baby stuff up and down the stairs. Kicking Sheldon out and then turning his room into a nursery. I’m getting ahead of myself, but there’s so much information floating around my head and not a lot of clarification.

  I get Mikey a glass of water and we sit on the couch side by side. She drinks the water and places it on the table. It’s quiet and yet there are miles of things between us.

  I turn to her, putting my knee up on the couch and she mirrors my position. “Tell me what’s happening so I can get to the part where I hold you on my lap.”

  She leans in and kisses the side of my mouth. “I love you, I’m sorry I made you doubt that. Possible side effect of being pregnant or just being terrified of my life.”

  “I don’t doubt it anymore, and I love you too, more than you’d probably like to know.” It’s true, if she knew how much I love her and need her she’d run the other way. “Now we just need to figure out what the hell we are going to do here.”

  She takes a big breath, rifles through her bag and hands me a wrapped package. “Here’s my answer,” she says. “Open it and I’ll explain.”

  I tear the paper and pull out three identical t-shirts. They are black with a logo. The logo is the same as the Thirsty Monkey but with the San Francisco skyline in the back and instead of Thirsty Monkey it says City Monkey. My heart drops hoping this means what I think it means. “City Monkey?”

  “Yep. After I took the job at Natale’s I realized it really wasn’t what I wanted to do. I talked to my parents and they support my decision to step aside. They were not thrilled but they understand.”

  “Do they know about the baby?” I ask.

  She shakes her head. “No, the only person who knew before you was Lia so she could sing the song. I’m sorry she knew before you but . . .” She shrugs and I take her hand and squeeze it.

  “Obviously Sebastian took you back,” I say.

  “Sort of. He’d already found a winemaker and I didn’t want to interfere with that, and he’s going to offer the intern a full-time position. He and I talked and I explained my idea. He loves it and we worked on it together, got some investors. We already found a location in the Mission that is perfect.”

  “You’re going to make wine in the Mission?” I ask.

  “Yes, I fucking am!”

  “You’re going to live in the city?”

  “With you, I hope,” she says and I think again about how quickly I could kick out Sheldon.

  “Fucking yes, you’re not leaving as of now.” She laughs at me but tears form at the corner of her eyes. “Do you want to get married?” Ugh, I know not romantic but it’s out there now.

  She shakes her head wiping her tears. “Not really, unless you want to, I don’t need that to know I’ll be with you for the unforeseeable future.”

  I’ll admit I’m a bit disappointed. I know we aren’t conventional but I already told you my level of obsession with this woman and I would marry her right now.

  “I’ll do whatever you want,” I say trying to hide my disappointment. At least I know not to propose for real and have her shoot me down. I don’t think I could take that.

  “What I want is makeup sex, prone position, in the next five minutes,” she says and my dick is instantly hard.

  I lean forward and embrace her, then stand carrying her over my shoulder. “Fucking Frank,” she says slightly indignant.

  “Coming right up,” I say and smack her on the ass.

  I toss her on the bed, then quickly strip my clothes off. By the time I reach her, she has her shirt and bra off and is working her pants down. I help her by unlacing her boots and pulling them off. Once we are both naked I cover her and kiss her melting into her and the bed.

  “Prone bone, huh?” I ask, making sure that’s what she really wants.

  “Yes, prone bone explosion,” she says and bites my lip.

  I rear back and flip her on one move and I’m a little impressed with myself. I run my hands up the back of her legs, tickle her a little on the crease where her legs meet her ass, then palm her cheeks. I give them a squeeze and separate them, giving me the access I want. I lean down and lick her from her clit to her opening. She moans and reaches back to grab my hair. I give her a few more licks before I sit up, massaging her ass again.

  “Oh, fuck, Frank. Just get in there already, I’m dying.”

  I give her ass a smack and she yelps, tilting her ass up for more. I straddle her legs, pushing them together. I place my hand on the small of her back and then trail a finger down the crack of her ass, apply a bit of
pressure to the puckered hole there, then spread her so I can access her pussy. She is ready for me, panting for me and I can’t wait another second.

  I slide my dick into her slowly, then pull out just as slow. Then I thrust in to the hilt and she moans my name. I drape myself over her holding myself up by my forearms. My mouth lowers to her neck and I kiss her lightly.

  “There?” I ask, pulling in and out slowly again. My thighs gripping her hips.

  “Fuck yes, there, there, there,” she mumbles, barely coherent.

  I continue the slow slide in and out while peppering kisses below her ear. Her ass moves back into me trying to set a faster pace. I rest a hand on one of her hips to still her as I slide almost all the way out and sit back on my heels. Her hand moves down her front and she is massaging her clit and alternately my balls when I bottom out. It’s just as amazing as it’s been from the very beginning.

  “I love fucking you Mikey, being with you is the best part of my life,” I say and pick up the pace, gripping her ass. “I love you there. There. There.” I punctuate each there with a thrust.

  Her head is resting on her arm and she is making sounds, but they are unintelligible. She lets out a long moan, almost a wail as I feel her contract around me as she comes. A few more shallow thrusts and I follow her.

  My hands travel up from her ass cheeks to slowly massage her back. My mouth follows placing kisses along her spine.

  “There, there, there,” she says.

  I lean down to kiss her neck and she turns to her back. She reaches up and delivers a deep, hot, kiss that I feel to my tentacles. “I love you too, you impossible man.”

  “Impossible?” I ask, giving her a smirk.

  “Yes, impossible to resist, impossibly mine, and impossible impregnator.”

  “I’m pretty sure that all the fucking we’ve done made pregnancy more than possible,” I say and dip down to rub her nose with mine.

  “Well, we used condoms a lot and I’m on the pill, so the odds were slim.”

  “Not with Fucking Frank’s sperm in the mix,” I say and immediately hate myself for saying ‘in the mix.’

  “In the mix?” She calls me out of course. “I don’t want to imagine your sperm in any sort of mix. Unless it’s a spa mix.”

  “Maybe my sperm is so powerful that it absorbed through your feet, traveled through your bloodstream to your uterus where it dominated your egg on arrival.”

  “You are ridiculous,” she says and she’s right.

  “I am ridiculously in love with you.”

  * * *

  We stay in bed until about noon the next day until I serve her pancakes and bacon in bed. “Are you spoiling me, Frank?” she asks looking luminous amongst my silver sheets.

  “In my mind, I’m not even close to spoiling you the amount I want to, but if I did, I’d probably scare you, so I’m trying to find a balance.” I sit with my legs folded in front of her while she eats. “Can we play lightning round?”

  She tilts her head and smiles. “I think I’ve had enough coffee for that.”

  “How did you find out you were pregnant?” I start.

  “Well, I was helping my dad with a blend and when I took a sip I immediately felt ill and ran to throw up. After I was done, I thought about why I had a violent reaction and it hit me that I hadn’t had a period in two months. When I felt well enough, I got a test and it was positive.” I nod in acknowledgment. “Why did you give me space for so long?”

  “I was hoping you’d change your mind sooner, but honestly, I was going to see you today until you ruined my plans,” I say and give her foot a squeeze. “How far along are you?”

  “I’m 10 weeks. I went to my doctor and she did another test to make sure and then a short exam. I asked her if I could wait and do the first ultrasound with you.” My heart beats fast and I squeeze her foot again. “Stop that,” she says taking my hand from her foot. “What were you going to say when you saw me today?”

  “No more space, I’m moving in, never leaving.”

  She laughs and I’m so relieved to be here with her being joyful I almost cry. “Do you want a boy or a girl?”

  “Don’t care, but a little girl with your shitty attitude would sure be cute. Are you scared?”

  “Petrified, but knowing you’re doing this with me shores up my courage,“ I say because it’s true, I feel like I could do anything with her. “Are you scared?”

  “Hell yes I’m scared. I have no idea what I’m doing. I’m counting on learning as I go with Lia and asking our moms to move in.” I must give her a look of horror because she laughs. “Kidding, Frank, kidding. Are you sure you want this with me?”

  “So sure,” I say and cup her cheek with one hand and hold her neck with the other. “Maybe I didn’t know I wanted it, and maybe not so soon, but I’m all the way with you on this, don’t doubt it. What should we name him or her?”

  “I have the perfect name for either gender,” she says and then gets up from the bed, getting some paper and a pen for each of us. “What should we name him or her?” She gestures to the paper and takes her own, turning her back.

  I write a name down because I like it and it’s the only name I’ve ever thought of for the nanosecond I thought I’d ever have a child.

  Mikey turns back to me and folds her answer up and drops it in my lap. I do the same and we sit for a minute, just staring at each other, enjoying being together.

  “Ready?” Mikey asks and holds my paper. I nod and pick hers up. “On three. One, two, three.”

  We unfold them and both look to the other in disbelief. “We are a fucking freak show,” I say.

  “I think we should probably be in the circus at least,” she says as she lays our answers side by side, both reading ‘Reilly.’

  “At least one of us didn’t go for Ignatius,” I point out and we laugh.

  “I have one more question,” Mikey says. “In our song, you said we both hate foxes. Why do you think that?”

  I grimace and rub my chin. “Call it lazy songwriting, or artistic license. I needed something to rhyme with boxes and I remembered the one time we got that request for that What Does the Fox Say? song and you had Sebastian kick the guest out. That was the day I knew you were the one,” I joke.

  “I’ll let it slide even know it’s a stretch.” She leans into me, her head to my heart. “You’ve been the one since the day we were born.”

  The End . . .

  F*cking Epilogue

  ALL YOU WOMEN AND MEN need to get yourself a Fucking Frank. Not mine, but one like him. I’m not talking about a grumpy, sexy, Italian guy, but your guy or gal. Someone who gets you in every way possible, worships you, and will watch porn with you.

  For a long time, I thought Archie was that person for me. Turned out he was “Asshole Archie” all along and my true partner was just around the corner, coming for me. You might think Frank’s the lucky one but I know that he loves me probably more than is healthy, and guess what? I feel the same way. I also lied. I told Frank I didn’t want to marry him and that’s total bullshit.

  I’m all pussy akimbo right now at the OBGYN, feet in stirrups, super fun vaginal exam happening. Frank is by my side, naturally. He has barely left it since I told him I was knocked up. I’m glad though, although it’s weird to have your boyfriend at a gyno exam. After poking and prodding me, I’m told all is good in the neighborhood of my cervix and uterus.

  “You can put your underwear back on and I’ll be back in a minute with the ultrasound,” the doctor pats my knee and leaves.

  “This is the most humiliating thing I’ve ever witnessed. You have to do this every time?” Frank asks.

  I get up and put my big ole maternity panties on, I’m not even that big but Lia and I found this kick ass maternity shop in the lower Haight and bought like half the store, including piles of high waisted undies. They are life changing. When I lie back down, smoothing out my paper gown I look at him like he’s the absolute idiot he is.

  “Dude, w
hat the fuck did you think happened? They look at your vagina, they feel your vagina, they stick their hand up your vagina, sometimes they even scrape shit out of your vagina. Then, if you pay extra, they give you a little finger up the pooper,” I say wiggling my pointer.

  “I guess I didn’t really think about it, but it’s so cold in here, and you are literally wearing a piece of paper. You put your feet in these cold metal stirrups, then she’s arm deep with barely having said hello.” He looks so cute, all fired up about the unfairness of cold stirrups and no “how do ya do.” God, I love him so hard. He has his glasses off and is rubbing his eyes. He’s exhausted since he flew in this morning from a show in Seattle and then came straight to my appointment here in Sonoma.

  “Oh, Frankie-bits, you are so sweet to think about my cold little tootsies and semi-violated vagina. It’s all over now except we get to see Ignatius in a minute.” Since we both agreed on naming the kid Reilly, we’ve been calling him or her Ignatius while in utero. Ya know, because we are the worst.

  “Why now with the nicknames? You are definitely spending too much time with fucking Lia.” He’s especially grumpy and I know why. I made Lia tell him that she and I had a talk about marriage and about how I’d never get married in a million years, blah, blah, blah. It sounded like she laid it on really thick because she said he pushed Joe off the stage when he got too close to him during a song. Also, he left Joe on the side of the road when he asked to stop for the fifth time to go to the bathroom on the way to the airport and Joe almost missed their flight.

  It’s all part of my plan. One of my favorite things is riling up my Frank and then letting him get his tension out with me in the bedroom, or wherever we are. Now is so delicious because he is trying to be on his best behavior while being irritated with me because he thinks I don’t want to get married. To be honest, I don’t really care either way, but there’s no one I’d rather be hitched to than this man.

  I reach my hand out to him and he takes it. “It’s almost over and then I promise we can get tacos.” I smile at him and he relaxes a bit.