Breathe

by Kristen Ashley

  I started to smile but the smile died and confusion reigned when he spoke.

  “I’ve got a girlfriend?”

  My head dipped to the side. “What?”

  “I’ve got a girlfriend,” he stated and something about the way he stated it, something in his tone, the look on his face, the line of his body, made me brace.

  “Uh…” I hesitated when he said no more, “I think so. Her being me.”

  He jerked his head to my computer and what he said next made me realize when I braced, I didn’t brace enough.

  “Your friends Benji and Serenity think somethin’ else.”

  Oh no.

  Oh frak!

  I totally forgot. Things had been so busy, I’d been spending so much time with Chace, at Mom and Dad’s, it had been weeks since I had a full on conversation with either of them.

  I had sent a few emails, just cursory updates and reminding them I hoped they’d backed down from their sleuthing.

  But I hadn’t shared about Chace partly because I didn’t have time for big explanations. But also partly because I wanted to keep him to myself and I wanted to make sure it would last, that it was real before I told them. I did this because I’d have to admit I’d lied to them about Chace having a girlfriend. I also did this because when they heard, they’d be angry I lied to them but over the moon that Chace was with me. And I didn’t want them to get excited about something that wasn’t all I’d dreamed it would be, dreams I’d shared with them for years.

  There it was yet again. Lying always, always got you into trouble.

  “H… how –?” I started and Chace cut me off.

  “Got on to check the game time, barely got that fucker booted up when screens popped up. They’re pissed, baby. Seriously. You haven’t been available to them but you haven’t been forthcoming why. And they got things to share,” he leaned toward me and the way he did made me lean slightly back even though he was ten feet away, “about The Elite.”

  Uh-oh.

  “Chace –” I whispered but said no more because he lost it.

  I knew he lost it because he roared… yes… actually… roared, “Have you lost your fucking mind?”

  My heart started thumping in my chest.

  “Chace –”

  “Take your goddamned coat off and get away from the door,” he growled and my head jerked.

  “Wh… what?”

  “Take,” he took a step toward me and I stepped back, “your,” he took another step and so did I, “goddamned,” another step for him and me, “coat off.”

  “Why?” I whispered and kept retreating as he made it to the door and stopped.

  I then watched in fascinated horror as he flipped the deadbolt and set the chain then turned to me.

  “Do it, Faye.”

  “You’re kind of scaring me,” I said softly.

  “Yeah?” he asked, tipping his head sharply to the side. “Good,” he bit off to finish.

  “It’s not good,” I whispered.

  “Oh yeah, it is, honey,” he whispered back. “You should be scared of me right now. You should be scared of me because I am extremely pissed off. And I’m extremely pissed off because you and your band of misfits have been doin’ something so fuckin’ stupid I can’t even explain to you how stupid it is. And the reason it’s stupid is because it’s dangerous.”

  “Chace, it –”

  He interrupted me to rap out, “It what?”

  “We –” I tried again but he cut me off again before I could say two words.

  “You what?”

  “Please let me speak.”

  He didn’t.

  He leaned forward and thundered, “Misty got dead because of those assholes.”

  “I know,” I whispered.

  “So, she got dead, you and your two buddies thought it was smart to play with that kinda fire? Jesus fuckin’ Christ, Faye, how could you be so goddamned stupid?”

  “I told them to back off,” I said softly.

  “Well, they didn’t,” he fired back. “They got names, Faye, they got a lot, and all of it they should not have. They should not know. I do not know those two but I know you.” He lifted a hand and jabbed a finger at me. “And I like you. I didn’t fuckin’ like my wife but I still didn’t want her on her knees, terrified, a cock forced in her mouth, her face raped before she got holes blown into her. So if that shit happens to you,” he jabbed his finger at me again, taking a step toward me before rocking to a wooden halt, “I… will… lose… my… goddamned mind!”

  But I was frozen, head to toe so it took a lot of effort to force out my, “What?”

  “Yeah,” he ground out. “Semen on her face, darlin’, in her stomach. No one knows but a bunch of cops, most of them dirty, and me, the same and her fuckin’ husband. Last thing Misty did on this earth was give a blowjob and not one she wanted to give. Before he fuckin’ took her life, he fucked her goddamned face.”

  My entire body started shivering as I stared at him and tried to process this horror.

  “That why you were up there that night we met?” he asked and when I stared at him blankly, shivering, shocked at this new knowledge, he barked, “Answer me!”

  I jumped and whispered, “Ye… yes.”

  “Jesus fucking Christ!” he yelled, turning, he swiped my perfume bottle off my dresser, shifted and with a scary, powerful sidearm throw he threw it across the room so it shattered against the bricks at the other side of the apartment.

  I blindly took quick steps back, going at a diagonal and slammed my side into the kitchen counter. My body registered the pain so I stopped.

  His burning eyes scorched back to me and he clipped out, “This world, Faye, the one you actually live in is not a fantasy.”

  “I… I know,” I said softly.

  “Bad shit happens.”

  “I know,” I repeated.

  “Happily ever afters are not fuckin’ guaranteed.”

  “Chace –”

  “You can be you, good, sweet, kind, generous, loving and still get your face raped and holes blown through your beautiful body and no hero’s gonna ride in and save you from that shit because you’ll be fuckin’ dead.”

  “Pl… please calm down, Chace, and let me explain.”

  “There is no explanation for this stupid fuckin’ shit, Faye,” he fired back and I stared at him.

  Then I squared my shoulders and whispered, “There is.”

  He studied me a second before he threw his hands out to his sides and invited sarcastically, “Dazzle me.”

  “I was doing it for you,” I told him softly and he shook his head, moving toward me but I stood my ground.

  “Wrong answer,” he growled.

  “It affected you, Misty’s death. I saw it, how it upset you and, you know, I, well, I had a crush on you before –”

  I stopped speaking because suddenly he rushed me and before I knew it both his hands were on either side of my head, his face was all I could see and he whispered, “Shut up.”

  I didn’t shut up.

  I kept going in a whisper.

  “I didn’t like to see you suffer.”

  His hands pressed in and he clipped low, “Shut up, Faye.”

  I didn’t shut up.

  I kept talking.

  “I wanted it to stop.”

  “Shut it.”

  “I wanted it to stop. I wanted you to be free.”

  His face got closer and he growled, “Shut it.”

  I again didn’t shut up.

  I gave him all of me.

  “I wanted you to notice me.”

  He used my head to yank me into him then one of his arms closed around me so tight I couldn’t breathe, his other hand curled around the side of my head, pressing my cheek to his chest and he bit out, “God damn it.”

  My fingers curled into his sweater at his sides and I kept at it but I had to do it on a breathless wheeze. “It was stupid. I knew it when Benji and Serenity started turning up stuff so I tried to sto
p them –”

  His hand flexed into my scalp but his arm around me loosened slightly as he whispered in a voice that seemed torn out of him, guttural, leaving damage in its wake, “Seriously, Faye, fuckin’ shut it.”

  I shut it.

  He held me close and I held onto his sweater for what seemed days before I felt him shift but only his head so his lips were at the top of my hair.

  “Fuck me, what am I gonna do with you? Even when I wasn’t with you, you tried to take my goddamned back,” he muttered there and it was not a question for me so I decided not to answer.

  His hand slid from the side of my head to my jaw, he tipped my head back and I hesitantly looked into his face, relieved to see he was no longer pissed way the frak off but that didn’t mean he wasn’t openly troubled.

  “You fucked up, Faye.”

  I slid my lower lip to the side and bit it before letting it go and whispering, “I think I got that.”

  “Now is not the time to be cute,” he warned.

  I pressed my lips together.

  He closed his eyes and pulled breath in through his nose.

  Then he opened his eyes and ordered quietly, “You get on your computer and you talk those two down. I don’t give a shit what you gotta do. Get their promises. Get them to vow on whatever geek shit you guys hold sacred that they are not gonna do one more thing on this gig. You have to, you tell them I’ll hunt them down and arrest their asses for whatever bullshit I can dream up with illegal wire taps and hacking. Then we hope they haven’t got on radar. And we hope more they haven’t put you on radar. Because knowin’ that shit happened to Misty when my ring was on her finger, I didn’t want it there or not, eats at me every fuckin’ day. That shit happened to you, it’d kill me but not before I hunted down the man who did it to you and I made sure he was dead. I am not jokin’, not even a little bit. So get on your computer and sort their asses, baby, and do it now.”

  Cautiously, my heart beating hard even as it hurt, for him and for Misty, I asked, “Did that really happen to Misty?”

  “Question and answer time is after you sort those two. Not now. Go, Faye, and don’t make me tell you again.”

  One could say he was being supremely bossy in a way I did not like.

  Still.

  Eats at me every fuckin’ day.

  Frak.

  Misty.

  So instead of sharing with him I didn’t like him being that kind of bossy, I whispered, “Right.”

  I let his sweater go, he let me go and I hustled across my apartment, taking my coat off as I went.

  I threw it on an armchair then I sat in my desk chair.

  On the screen I saw either Benji or Serenity had started a three person chat and there was a line of Faye, you there? over and over again.

  I scrolled up, saw Chace had entered the conversation pretending to be me which wasn’t cool but I decided to share my thoughts about this when he hadn’t just lost his mind.

  I took a deep breath and I put my hands to the keyboard.

  Actually, guys, you were talking to Chace. Now, it’s Faye and I’m here.

  Nothing then, What?!?!? This from Serenity.

  And What the frak?!?!? This from Benji.

  Typing hesitantly, (yes, you could type hesitantly), I shared, Chace and I are kinda together.

  More nothing then, What?!?!? This from Serenity.

  And What the frak?!?!? This from Benji.

  Oh jeez. Here we go.

  Well, actually, Chace and I are more than kinda together. We’re REALLY together. And now he knows what we’ve been doing since he was here and turned on the computer. Your chats popped up. He joined as me. You spilled the beans and he’s a little peeved. That was me finishing on an understatement.

  You got to be fraking kidding!!! This was Benji.

  OMG! What the hell?!?! This was Serenity.

  I typed a bunch of stuff, explaining my lie (I hoped). Explaining Chace and I getting together. Telling them about Malachi and all that went down. Finally explaining why Chace was pissed, including the scary, alarming, heartbreaking new info about Misty but skirting over Chace being terrifyingly angry. Though not skirting over it too much in the hopes that they’d understand and finally back down.

  So, to end, it seems this might put me in harm’s way. Chace doesn’t like that much so you have to stop or he’ll arrest you or end up on a hunt to kill the man who violated and killed me. Obviously, if this is my possible end, I’m also asking you to help with not making that happen and backing down. I finished.

  There was again nothing until Serenity popped up with, It’s kinda not cool he pretended to be you.

  I’ll talk to him about that later after I assure him I won’t end up riddled with bullets in a ditch because we’re being stupid. I replied.

  That was when Benji came in with, I cannot fraking BELIEVE you two are TOGETHER!

  I can’t either, I shared.

  Is it good? Benji asked.

  How to answer that?

  I decided on, On a scale of one to ten with ten being how good I was sure it would be, it’s about seven thousand, six hundred, and twenty-three.

  Whoa. Serenity typed. Then, Righteous.

  Fraking AWESOME!!!! Benji put in.

  So, seeing as I’m with the man I’ve been crushing on for forever and it’s that good, I’d like to keep it that way WITHOUT him being pissed at me. Can you help me with that? I asked.

  No probs, Benji answered instantly.

  Then nothing.

  Serenity? I prompted.

  We’re close. She pointed out and I sighed.

  Maybe, maybe not and maybe we’re close to me coming to an untimely demise because we stuck our noses into something we shouldn’t. I returned.

  Inara, I get you, but there’s still a murderer to be caught. Serenity replied like catching murderers was her job. Which it could be, I didn’t know. I just knew this particular murder wasn’t her job to solve (maybe).

  Serenity, girl, stand down. Benji urged.

  Serenity, honey, you are where you are, wherever that is, and I’m here. Someone is already DEAD. Someone else might have recently got dead because of this. I do not want to be strike three. This isn’t real to you but I’m living it. What we’re doing, from Chace’s response, tells me I could be in the path of destruction. You might be enjoying this but it isn’t fun for me. The fear I’ve been feeling as you’ve been uncovering things hasn’t been fun for me either. Something I already told you. Last, Chace was seriously pissed and although it wasn’t cool he pretended to be me with you two, honestly, in a weird way, he had the right to be. I get you but please get me. Back down. Promise me. Stop everything. For your sakes, for my sake and also for the sake of Chace and me. I begged.

  Nothing from Serenity until, Oh, all right. Whatever. I’ll stand down.

  Swear on any possible future, no matter how slight, that Nathan Fillion could kiss you, the universe would take that opportunity away if you keep up with ANY of this. I pressed.

  Yeesh, Inara, I said I’d stand down. Serenity evaded.

  Swear. I demanded.

  Nothing then, Fine. I swear on losing the opportunity to kiss Nathan Fillion that I’ll stand down.

  I sighed with relief because that was so big it was huge but I typed. Thank you.

  Is he there now? Benji asked.

  Yes. I answered.

  What’s he doing? Benji asked and I looked to the kitchen to see Chace was doing something at the counter.

  Cooking dinner. I answered.

  Sah-fraking-weet. Benji repled.

  Pictures, sister, seriously. He’s yours, you’re tight, we want files. Serenity ordered.

  I could do that.

  So I replied. Okay but I have to go. I’m hungry and Chace might still be a little mad.

  Go! Benji urged and finished on, Pictures!

  Inara? Serenity on-line called.

  Yes? I on-line answered.

  Cool for you. I get you holding it close. Bu
t I’m really happy for you. Serenity typed.

  Me too, darling. Benji added.

  Thanks guys. I replied wishing one day I’d meet them at the same time knowing it was a high probability I wouldn’t which sucked because they were cool and really, when you got down to it, the best friends I ever had. So I finished with, Sorry I’ve not been around. I’ll keep in better touch.

  Girl! Serenity shot back. Nathan was in my kitchen cooking dinner, I would NOT be on the computer talking to you.

  This was true. She wouldn’t.

  Friends fit in your life, Benji added. They don’t take away from you living it.

  Seriously, really, I hoped one day I met these guys.

  Love you guys. I told them

  Right back at you. Serenity told me.

  To the moon and back. Benji said.

  I sighed.

  Go to your guy. Serenity urged.

  Okay, later guys. I agreed.

  Later, Inara. Benji said.

  Later, Faye. Serenity typed.

  I closed the chat and went off-line without looking to see what went down when Chace impersonated me partly because I didn’t want to know and partly because it might make me mad and we’d had enough of that for one night. Then I made a mental note to reprogram my chat software so it didn’t log me in on startup.

  Out of the corner of my eye, a glass of wine appeared with Chace’s fingers around the bowl. I watched him set it on my Wonder Woman coaster and then tipped my head back to look at him.

  “Did they vow on Luke Skywalker’s light saber that they’d stand down?” he asked. I saw he was no longer pissed, there was a teasing light in his eyes but that didn’t mean he didn’t still look troubled.

  “Something like that,” I mumbled, dropping my eyes and reaching for my wineglass.

  I felt the tips of Chace’s fingers under my chin so I looked up at him again. The second I caught his eyes, he demanded softly, “Assure me they’re done.”

  “They promised me they’re done,” I assured him just as softly.

  “Okay,” he muttered, leaned in and touched his mouth to mine.

  Then he straightened, turned and sauntered to the kitchen while I watched and sipped my wine.

  He hit the kitchen and called, “Deal is, I bake the potatoes and broil the steaks. You twice bake the potatoes. Potatoes are baked, darlin’. You’re up.”