“I deny the allegations and I deny the alligators!”
—An indicted councilman from Chicago
“A zebra cannot change its spots.”
—US Vice President Al Gore
“I don’t make predictions. I never have and I never will.”
—Tony Blair, former British Prime Minister
“I think that gay marriage is something that should be between a man and a woman.”
—Arnold Schwarzenegger, 2003
“I love sports. Whenever I can, I always watch the Detroit Tigers on radio.”
—US President General Ford
“These are good times, but only a few know it.”
—Henry Ford, in 1931, during the Great Depression
Just Plain Odd
“My heart is as black as yours.”
—Mario Procaccino, a former white mayoral candidate for New York, speaking to a Black audience
“Apollinaris, doctor to the emperor Titus, had a good crap here.”
—Apollinaris, ancient graffiti found on a wall in Pompeii
“Let the bears devour me.”
—Ancient graffiti found near Mount Vesuvius
“Apelles Mus [was here] with his brother Dexter. We had a great time [literally, lovingly], had sex twice—with two girls.”
—Ancient graffiti found near Mount Vesuvius
“We peed in the bed, I confess; we have erred, innkeeper. If you ask why, there was no chamber pot.”
—Ancient Roman graffiti
“Shakespeare, the great playwright of Arab origin.”
—Muammar Gaddafi, eccentric Libyan leader, comparing the playwright’s name to Sheikh Zubayr
“You’re so concerned with what the public thinks that it gets in the way of what’s best for us!”
—Jeanette Smith, a Vesta, California council member—in response to other council members protesting a dinner paid for with public funds
“Speaking of animals, he married his wife, Susanne, when he was in college.”
—Mike Leavitt, governor of Utah, when introducing Senator Larry Craig
Verbal Jousting
“One reason the human race has such a low opinion of itself is that it gets so much of its wisdom from writers.”
—Wilfrid Sheed, writer
“He is a bad novelist and a fool. The combination usually makes for great popularity in the US.”
—Gore Vidal on fellow writer Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn
“I like your opera. I think I will set it to music.”
—Ludwig van Beethoven, to another composer
“One man alone can be pretty dumb sometimes, but for real bona fide stupidity there ain’t nothing can beat teamwork.”
—Mark Twain
“The play was a great success, but the audience was a disaster.”
—Oscar Wilde
“You should never say bad things about the dead, you should only say good… Joan Crawford is dead. Good.”
—Bette Davis
“I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll make an exception.”
—Groucho Marx
“Only two things are infinite—the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not so sure about the former.”
—Albert Einstein
We Named It That?
Creativity is one of humanity’s greatest gifts. Especially the way we use it in the art of wordplay. Here are some interesting ways we’ve combined the two!
Quirky City Names
Lemu, Finland
The word lemu translates to “bad smell.” Don’t be put off though, as it’s a quaint little town with lovely architecture from the Middle Ages.
Accident, Maryland
This little American town has a miniscule population of around three hundred souls. Someone born there is called “an Accidental.” Townspeople with a sense of humor. I like it.
Poo, Spain
A lovely little town with scenic beaches. Luckily a name is not everything.
Normal, Illinois
This city, about a two-hour drive from Chicago is probably, as you would expect, just average.
Oed, Austria
Going along with the normal theme, the name of this beautiful town translates to “boring.” It might have a slow social scene, but it sure looks beautiful!
Chicken, Alaska
This mining town left over from the gold rush is almost too small to be called a city. The population has hovered between twenty people and under in the last few censuses.
Cut and Shoot, Texas
One of the odder city names in the state of Texas, with a population of around a thousand.
Embarrass, Minnesota
Aside from its weird name, this town is mainly known for being the coldest in the state of Minnesota.
Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch, Wales
This town’s name takes at least two or three lungfuls of air to pronounce, but most just call it Llanfair. It takes the cake for being the city with the longest name in Europe.
Odd Names of Real People
Crystal Metheney « A Florida woman
Chris P. Bacon
Pid Purdy « American baseball player
Mike Litoris
Sam Sung « A specialist at Apple
Flavour Balls
Muffin Lord
Batman Bin Suparman « A young man from Singapore
Jesus Condom
Dixie Normous
Anurag Dikshit
Matthew Correspondent « A correspondent for BBC News
Wendy Wacko
Filet Minyon
Sue Yoo « A lawyer, if you can believe it!
Brands, Stores, and More
Ash Wipe Chimney Sweeps «A business in Illinois
Ooooh Girl Who Did Your Hair Salon « Get your hair done at this salon in Albuquerque, New Mexico
Curl Up & Dye « Another hair salon with a sense of humor
Wok This Way « A Chinese restaurant in San Francisco
Vinyl Resting Place « You simply know this record store is in Portland, Oregon
Let’s Get Stoned, Inc. « A business that specializes in kitchen granite countertops and vanities
Planet of the Grapes « A wine bar in London
Surelock Holmes « A locksmith out of Portsmouth
Spruce SpringClean « A witty carpet and upholstery cleaning service in Britain’s Cornwall
Animals
Gilbert’s potoroo «A sort of rat kangaroo, endangered
Spiny lumpsucker « A teeny fish that sucks on surfaces
Pleasing fungus beetle « I guess it sort of looks like a ladybug
Pink fairy armadillo « Should really be considered a Pokémon come to life
Satanic leaf-tailed gecko « About as cute a gecko as the name suggests
Tasseled wobbegong « Kind of like a shark in the shape of a carpet
Ice cream cone worm « Sometimes we just have to keep it simple
Bubal hartebeest « An extinct antelope-looking creature
Boops boops « A species of seabream fish
Fried egg jellyfish « Actually looks like it sounds!
Where Did That Come From?
Adam’s Apple
Like many everyday names, the one Adam’s Apple is overlooked. But its origin is simple and quite literal. While, of course, there is no way to know if Adam and Eve indeed ate an accursed apple (or any fruit), the Adam’s Apple got its name, because it was believed that Adam got a piece stuck in his throat. It’s simply a piece of cartilage (females have it too, though it’s less pronounced).
Tying the Knot
This common wedding phrase comes from an ancient Irish Druid tradition cal
led “handfasting,” where a Druid priest would tie together the hands of the bride and groom during their ceremony to symbolize their new unity. The tradition still persists today!
Daring Feats
Train Raiders
Józef Piłsudski was a passionate Polish statesman with freedom on his mind. Poland had been split up in the late 1700s, and occupied during a series of invasions from Russia, Prussia, and Austria for many years. On a mission to free his people from occupation, and form an independent Poland, he needed money, and lots of it. On September 26, 1908, mere hours before embarking on a dangerous train robbery, he wrote a letter to his friend as a sort of last will and testament saying, “Money…may the devil take it! I prefer to win it in a fight than to beg for it from the Polish public which has become infantile through being chicken-hearted. I haven’t got money and I must have it for the ends I pursue.”
He and twenty others, both men and women, gathered in Bezdany, Lithuania for their heist. Their target: a mail train filled with tax money heading to Russia. Six of the robbers were posing as passengers, the rest waited in the wings to strike. As the train rolled in, one group seized power in the station and cut off outside communication. Another group attacked the train itself with bombs and firepower to break through the fortified mail car. The scene was reminiscent of an old film; they stuffed the money into cloth bags—over four million dollars’ worth of taxes in today’s value. With their loot secured, they separated into different cars, and went off in different directions. Not only was it one of the most successful train robberies in history, but the money kept Piłsudski’s secret military organization running for many years. In 1918, Poland officially became an independent country, with Piłsudski as their first leader.
The Last Stand
If you’re looking for one Oscar-worthy fight, pitting an underdog against a powerful enemy, look no further than the last stand of Eger in the sixteenth century. The city of Eger was one of the last strongholds of the Ottoman Empire, in Hungary. The Turks were seeking to expand their territories, and Eger was a strategic key. It allowed access to the nearby city of Kassa, which contained silver and gold mines that provided Hungary with wealth, and it also provided a path to Vienna, potentially allowing them to siege that city as well.
About eighty thousand Turks surrounded the city in a historically significant siege. Eger had a mere two thousand souls who vowed to defend their home from invasion, even though they were outnumbered fifty to one. The Turks attacked with more than 150 pieces of artillery and 15 large cannons. They planted bombs under the walls, fired at the walls, sent flaming arrows above the walls—all to no avail. After thirty-nine days, the Turks admitted defeat. The people of Eger had lost about a third of their number, but had somehow still managed to beat back thousands. This siege became an example of heroic patriotism and bravery for Hungary, and the rest of us.
The Boxers That Could
Andy Bowen and Jack Burke could not be kept down. These two boxers fought a match in 1893, in New Orleans, Louisiana that went down as the longest in history. They fought for seven hours and nineteen minutes. That’s almost a full day at the office. The match was split into rounds that lasted three minutes each…and there were 110 rounds. But get this. At the end of the match…neither of them won. They both kept going, kept fighting, and the referee finally had to call it a draw.
Even though both of Burke’s hands were broken, both had sustained several injuries, and each was teetering on the brink of exhaustion—they kept going. The nine thousand fans who showed up had slowly began checking out as the hours passed. The match started at eight in the evening, and it kept going until three in the morning. By the end of the match, they had each lost ten pounds. There were probably that many people in the audience at the end of the match too.
They were fighting for the title of Lightweight Championship of the South, and a grand prize of $2,500, which is about $60,000 in today’s money. The referee suggested they split the prize.
This remarkable feat shows the capacity of willpower. They didn’t have to box for seven hours—just the next three minutes. And break. And go in again for just three minutes. Their physical stamina and strength is, of course, unbelievable. But what is even more astounding is their mental discipline and daring nerve to not give up.
Oddest World Records
Have you ever wondered how many ketchup packets you could open (without tearing) in thirty seconds? What about how many fortune cookies you could read aloud, and then eat in one minute? Yeah, me too. And so did some ingenious, forward-thinking record breakers. Now, just to wave a disclaimer banner, there are people who pick up the gauntlet, and try to beat these odd records all the time—so please note these are accurate only as of this writing and will surely be beat at some point. Obviously. Who wouldn’t feel the need to break a brand-new record for the greatest height from which to drop a hot dog wiener directly into a hot dog bun?
»We might never know how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop, but Emily Wilson sure knows how much time it takes to lick a candy cane into a sharp point. It took her a measly 2 minutes and 54.84 seconds to get it needle-sharp. Maybe she wanted to stab Santa Claus or something.
»The shortest song in the world is “You Suffer” by Napalm Death. It is exactly 1.316 seconds long. Take a listen—it will literally take you less than two seconds.
»Thaneshwar Guragai, from Nepal, is a veteran record-breaker. As of this writing he holds fourteen world records, and counting. My personal favorites are the record for spinning a basketball on his toe for the longest duration (20 seconds), and when he spun a basketball on a toothbrush (that he held in his mouth) for the longest duration, exactly 22.41 seconds.
»Speaking of toes, here’s a feat may be the longest held: there is an ancient Norse sculpture of a man playing the lute with his toes, circa CE 800. He might be the only one known to have strummed the lute in this manner, though there are individuals who can play guitar with their feet.
»Scott Reynen is the guy who wore the most hats at once—51 hats to be precise. What did he have to say for himself? “Hats are surprisingly heavy.”
»The most pairs of underwear worn on a head is 47, by Paige Herbert from California. And in other news about things from “down under,” an Australian man named Steve Jacobs takes the record for the most underpants worn (in the “normal” way)—with a circulation-defying 266 undies.
»There are many things I don’t know in this life, but this is one thing I know for sure: you can definitely get a Coca-Cola at Arby’s. The largest advertisement poster ever was 28,922.10 square meters (about half the size of Windsor Castle), and the only thing it said was, I kid you not, “Arby’s now has Coke.” Message received!
»Canadian woman, Mel Sampson, takes the cake (or pizza?) with the record for most slaps of pizza to the face in 15 seconds—210 hot, cheesy slaps.
»Another Canadian (what’s with you guys?), Craig Morrison, squeezed open the most ketchup packets (without tearing) in thirty seconds—a total of 7 packets. It must’ve looked like a bloodbath.
»The record for the most neck ties worn at once was accomplished by Opus Moreschi with 97 ties. If you dare to take up the gauntlet, it will take both skill (not many people know how to properly assemble one tie, let alone ninety-seven), and some strong circulation to beat this guy.
»My personal favorite world record is “the most questions asked during a single visit to a drive-thru.” Steve Fester asked 33 questions of the poor soul working the window that day. I’m sure you’ve been to a drive-thru at some point in your life, and know how hard it is to just ask one little question. My favorite of the questions he asked is question 23, “Can I get a Big Mac McMuffin?”
»Just like throwing the javelin at the Olympics, Josh Fleischer from Florida holds the record for the longest distance to toss a printer. Yes, an office printer. He threw that sucker 26 feet and 6 inches.
»Rolly chairs are the best. I don’t understand the purpose of stationary ones. I protest their existence! At the very least you can roll from one place to the next, and at the very best you can perform “the longest office chair chain pulled by a motorcycle.” The office? Widen and Kennedy’s.
»The record for the largest “beard” made of Lucky Charms goes to Justin Gignac from New York! His beard was made of 61 charms. You know you tried this when you were younger. The only criteria for this record: the only adhesive allowed is milk, you must use the marshmallows, and all the charms must be placed in the normal beard region. I’d have such a hard time not eating them off my face. To all those trying to beat this record…good luck!
Weirdness Persists
We Still Do That?—Drop Cap
You might wonder why the first letter of every chapter sometimes appears in large font, as it does in this book. This is called “drop cap.” Using drop cap started in Medieval times when book were not written with any chapter or section breaks (simply continuous writing). So, in order to mark the start of a new section, idea, or train of thought, the scribe would simply use a big, decorative letter. Nowadays, we use clear chapter and section breaks, so drop cap is redundant. But I’m using it in this book for two reasons: First, being ironic is my favorite pastime. Secondly, this is a history book, sometimes covering the Medieval period, and I like to bring things full circle.
Niche Obsessions
Sometimes, obsession turns into mania; sometimes, mania stems from obsession. But, I think the age-old riddle applies: which came first, the chicken or the egg? I couldn’t tell you, but I can say some of the people mentioned below are egg heads.
We Did That? Page 3