The Bell Ringer
Crazy runs in the blood, and nowhere is this more apparent than in tales of royalty. One could write several books on all the nutty royals throughout history, and still not document all their weirdness. One such weirdo was Tsar Fyodor I of Russia, who had an inexplicable obsession with bells. He was crowned in 1584, after the passing of his father, Ivan the Terrible (a great act to follow).
Having such a parent as Ivan the Terrible may have had the opposite effect of what his father hoped for, as Fyodor was a passive ruler, mostly concerning himself with piety—which gave him an excuse to visit and ring every church and monastery bell in Russia. His obsessions became so well-known that he was often referred to by two names: Fyodor the Blessed, and Fyodor the Bell Ringer.
President of Skinny-Dipping
John Quincy Adams, the sixth president of the United States, woke at the same time every morning, wrote in his journal, and went for a dip in the nude, without fail. Perhaps, not fully nude—he did wear goggles, and a swimming cap. But, even if people were close by, Mr. President would take to the waters in his birthday suit. One might say he was the founder of skinny-dipping.
Once he began this routine, sometime around middle age, he kept up the practice well into his elder years. Despite many dangers and near-death accidents, he simply couldn’t deny the great effects on his health. In 1822, Congressman Charles Jared Ingersoll wrote:
Mr. Adams ascribes his uninterrupted health during the several sickly seasons he has lived in Washington to swimming. He walks a mile to the Potomac for 8 successive mornings from 4 to 7 o’clock, according as the tide serves, and swims from 15 to 40 minutes, then walks home again. For the 6 mornings of low tide he abstains, swimming 8 days out of 14. I have no doubt that it is an excellent system. (He is extremely thin.)
There is a famous story that the reporter Anne Royal once hid the President’s clothes until he agreed to do an interview with her. But this (likely anti-feminist) rumor has been debunked as myth. Royal and the president were good friends, so there was no need for her to catch the president in the raw just to hear his thoughts on unemployment rates.
Sugar for the Sultan
Ibrahim I was a Turkish sultan in the 1600s, and was known as one of the quirkiest rulers of the Ottoman Empire. The main reason he even became sultan was because his older brother (who had killed all his other younger brothers) left him alive, because he didn’t see Ibrahim as a threat; he seemed too mentally disturbed. Instead, Ibrahim was kept in confinement for most of his life, as his brothers were killed off one by one. He had been imprisoned for so long—since he was eight-years-old—that the constant fear of being killed next likely unhinged his delicate mental state even further. But once his older brother died, Ibrahim was next in line to become sultan. Time to shine, baby brother.
One of the biggest things that made Ibrahim so memorable was his obsession with obese women. It was reported that one time he saw the lady parts of a cow—yes, an actual cow—and became so fixated on them, that he sent out his agents to find the largest ladies in the land, particularly ones who had similar-looking parts. Cringe away.
From the northern part of the Ottoman Empire, one agent returned with a woman weighing about 350 pounds. Apparently, she fit the bill. She became his favorite concubine out of the three hundred women he kept in his harem. He was so pleased with her, that he gave her a salary, and the government position of Governor of Damascus. And the best part? He nicknamed her şeker pare, literally translated to “little piece of sugar.” Doesn’t that leave a nice taste in your mouth.
Niche Phobias
“I have three phobias which, could I mute them, would make my life as slick as a sonnet, but dull as ditch water: I hate to go to bed, I hate to get up, and I hate to be alone.”
—Tallulah Bankhead
Eisoptrophobia
This is not for vain people. This phobia is the excessive fear of mirrors, or, more accurately, seeing yourself in a mirror. It is commonly attributed to a traumatic event in one’s life, or superstitious hysteria.
Aritmophobia
All my fellow math-haters will understand this one. Aritmophobia is the fear of numbers. Those who suffer from this condition usually have trouble with their finances, reading traffic signs, or understanding pricing systems in stores.
Ergasiophobia
Anyone with advanced procrastination skills, like me, will vibe with this phobia. Ergasiophobia is the fear of work. It was described by nineteenth-century politician William Upson, in 1905, as “the art of laziness.” Some have connected it to long-term job stress, performance anxiety, and fear of failure.
Pteronophobia
This odd word means the fear of feathers, or being tickled by feathers! If you’re wondering at the strange etymology, pteron is simply the Greek word for feathers. As with most phobias, it may be caused by a childhood experience, or simply the fear of something happening, i.e. getting sick as a result of the discomfort of being tickled.
Pogonophobia
“Fear the Beard” sounds like it could be the name of a cool reality show following the lives of either a badass biker gang, or a too-cool group of hipsters. But anyway, pogonophobia is the fear of beards.
Bizarre Is a Verb
“The professors must not prevent us from realizing that history is fun, and that the most bizarre things really happen.”
—Bertrand Russell
Putting on Airs
In other words, here are some uncommonly known facts, as well as some poems (yes), about farts and their parts.
»According to Urban Dictionary, a Mozart fart means “to cut the cheese in a particularly tuneful way.” You’ll be quite shocked to know this musical mastermind, Mozart, had a certain obsession with flatulence and its cousin, poop. Here is a poem he wrote in a letter to his mother:
Yesterday, though, we heard the king of farts
It smelled as sweet as honey tarts
While it wasn’t the strongest of voice
It still came on as a powerful noise.
He wrote the lyrics to a composition “Leck mir den Arsch,” which translates to “Lick my arse.” He also penned many letters with snippety lines that are the stuff of legend. Tread lightly if you’re easily offended! Some crude clips include: “I now wish you a good night, shit in your bed with all your might, sleep with peace on your mind, and try to kiss your own behind.” Or, “Oui, by the love of my skin, I shit on your nose, so it runs down your chin.” Poetic!
»Seventeenth century-poet Sir John Suckling wrote a poem of love, pain, and flatulence that goes like this:
Love is the fart
Of every heart:
It pains a man when ‘tis kept close,
And others doth offend, when ‘tis let loose.
»Hitler was stricken with uncontrollable farts for many years of his life, often leading to such exquisite pain that he “could scream.” I’d say he was already slightly unhinged, but I’m sure constant abdominal cramping and gas didn’t help his state of mind. He nearly poisoned himself with the medications his doctors prescribed him, which ranged from strychnine (poison) to atropene (nervous system blocker).While I think his affliction was sort of a divine punishment (though nowhere near what he deserved), some say it was likely caused by his vegetarian diet, which is pretty ironic, if you ask me.
»Benjamin Franklin wrote an essay called “Fart Proudly,” to the Royal Academy of Brussels, encouraging them to find a way to make farts smell better. After all, if the food we ate affected the way our wind smelled—couldn’t that work in the opposite way to a greater advantage? He challenged them to find a chemical or drug to mix in one’s food that “shall render the natural discharges of wind from our bodies, not only inoffensive, but agreeable as perfumes.” He said this discovery would actually be useful to society—insinuating that many of their studies were, in fact, utterly us
eless. He closes his letter by stating that the latest study he read was not worth a FART-HING.
»Farting as entertainment became such a popular pastime that we needed a name for it. Just as there are comedians, violinists, and artists—well, there are also flatulists, or fartists. Joseph Pujol was a French flatulist in the early twentieth century, famous for being able to control the length and timbre of his wind to imitate people, animals, and melodies. His stage name was “La Pétomane,” which roughly translates to “the elastic anus.” You’re welcome for this information.
Choreomania: The Happy Plague
Also known as “dancing mania” or “St. Vitus’s dance,” choreomania is a dancing fever that may quite possibly be the most cheerful ancient plague. By the way, St. Vitus was the patron saint of dancing in the Holy Roman Empire. The fever to get jiggy with it swept over crowds of people, from dozens, into the thousands, beginning as early as the seventh century and continuing into the seventeenth. Large groups would take to the streets, and begin dancing erratically, each catching the bug, and they couldn’t stop until they passed out from exhaustion. In Strasbourg, France in 1518, it was reported that nearly four hundred people danced nonstop for over a month for no apparent reason. Many theories were thrown around about why this dancing fever happened, from religious fanaticism, to physical illness, and even demonic possession. The Swiss alchemist and astronomer, Paracelsus, however, had his own opinion on the matter:
“Such diseases have nothing to do with the works of the saints… The cause is in the laughing veins which comprehend their spirit in such a subtle way that they are tickled into dancing and joy.”
Getting Physical: Sports
The Delicate Art of Shin-Kicking
There is an old sport, popular in England and Wales, called shin-kicking, also known as purring or hacking. It dates to the 160os, but is still practiced today! Some describe it as an English martial art, where the two opponents grasp each other’s shoulders with straight arms, and continually kick the other’s shins, trying to knock their opponent to the ground first.
You can only pad your pants with straw, nothing else. It’s like an ancient version of “meet me in the parking lot, I’m going to punch you in the face.” But instead, it’s “meet me in the field,” and they’re going to kick you in the shins. Whoever can endure the most pain wins. If you’ve had enough, you can always call out “sufficient,” but what self-respecting Englishman would dare admit defeat? Best two out of three.
Cheese Rolling: A Sport for Foodies
This is one competitive sport I can get behind. Cheese rolling is a sport local to Gloucestershire, England, where competitors run after a ball of cheese. It dates to at least 1826, though many locals believe it was practiced earlier. The book Sports Weird-O-Pedia noted: “It is not a team sport, but an individual pursuit.” I totally agree—my cheese obsession is an individual pursuit that none can understand.
To get the game rolling, large wheels of cheese are taken to the top of a steep hill. Competitors wait at the top as well. Then, the wheel of cheese is set loose to roll down the hill, quickly picking up speed as the humans give chase. The first person to the bottom of the hill wins. What is the grand prize? Guess. It rhymes with sneeze.
The Great Baby Cry-Off
Normally, the goal of new parents is to get their crying babies to put a sock in it. But you’ll be tickled to know that every year in Tokyo, a tournament is held where parents enter their babies into a competition against each other to see who can cry the most ferociously. This counterintuitive (and probably headache-inducing) tradition stems from the belief that a crying baby will grow up to become happy, healthy, and prosperous—oh, and it will also ward off demons. The practice is called Naki Sumo. There are many similar beliefs throughout the world, as you’ll see in the next chapter on superstitions.
The Naki Sumo name comes from the saying “naku ko wa sodatsu” which roughly translates to “crying babies grow fat.” As you may be aware, having a rounder shape isn’t considered a bad thing in all cultures. Have you seen Buddha? He looks pretty blissed out.
At the Naki Sumo Crying Festival, it’s baby against baby in a sumo wrestling ring. All entrants must have been born within the year. Upon arrival, parents hand their newborns over to an apprentice sumo wrestler, and they face off against another baby and apprentice. When the battle begins, the apprentice sumo wrestlers hold the babies in their arms, and do all they can to scare them into crying. They make scary faces. They put on scary masks. They yell “Cry! Cry! Cry!” into their little chubby faces. All while a referee judges. What exactly is he judging? The baby that cries first, longest, and loudest of all. The winner’s prize? A prosperous, healthy, hopefully rotund life, of course!
We Made That a Law?
Every country has its fair share of weird laws. The longer their history, the stranger these laws seems to become. Most of them have something interesting to say about the culture and population, but some make you wonder. I often wonder which genius was first to do something that made the government go, “Well, what they did is technically not illegal, so, now we have make it an official crime.” These are only a handful of the odd laws out there.
»In Washington, DC, you can still be prosecuted for being a common scold—a law dating back to the 1800s. A common scold is described in English law as: “a troublesome and angry woman who, by her brawling and wrangling among her neighbors, doth break the public peace, and beget, cherish and increase public discord.” In other words? A nasty woman. If you want to know how they were punished, read on.
»The next time you are in Zion, Illinois, make sure you don’t offer your cigar to any animals who want a puff. It’s illegal. A pull of your pipe or cigarette is, however, above board.
»It is illegal to cause a nuclear eruption in England. Similarly in China, it is illegal for individuals to store more than a thousand kilograms of explosives in their homes. Who tried that?
»It is illegal for frogs to croak after eleven at night in Tennessee. A croaking curfew!
»Royals get first pick: in England, it is law that “all beached whales and sturgeons [a type of fish, now protected] must be first offered to the reigning monarch.” This law was implemented in 1322.
»Swallow it! In Goodyear, Arizona it is “unlawful for any person to spit upon any of the public sidewalks or crosswalks in the city or upon any public path…”
»A UK law in the 1872 Licensing Act, states that it is “illegal to be drunk in the pub.” You figure that one out!
»In Destin, Florida, it is illegal to sell ice cream at a cemetery. Oh, and to drive on the graves. No grave joy riding, you hear?
»It is an offense in England and Wales to be drunk while tending a herd of cattle. I can see the slogan now… “Don’t drink and herd.” For that matter, it is also illegal to be drunk and in charge of a horse.
»This will make you really enjoy your next piece of gum: In Singapore, it is illegal to sell gum. Vendors can face fines up to one hundred thousand dollars, plus imprisonment. It is also illegal to chew it, unless you can prove it is for therapeutic reasons. Emotional Support Gum.
»Up until 1976, in the UK, there was a law that was part of the 1831 London Hackney Carriage Act, which required all cars to carry at least one bale of hay. Why, you ask? It was originally written for horse-drawn carriages. Eating hay was your horse’s version of getting gas.
»According to the UK Metropolitan Streets Act of 1867, it is illegal to drive a cow down a roadway between 10 a.m. and 7 p.m. without the permission of the Commissioner of Police first.
»Under an 1839 law, you are forbidden to ding-dong ditch in England. In other words, to “willfully and wantonly disturb any inhabitant by pulling or ringing any doorbell or knocking at any door without lawful excuse.”
»Speaking of disturbances, it is illegal to interrupt a church service in Mississippi. If you do, you can face a
fine up to $500, and six months in jail.
»Switzerland really does have its head screwed on straight… In recent legislature regarding animal welfare, it became illegal to have just one pet goldfish in a bowl. You must have two or more. Since goldfish are social creatures, it is considered animal cruelty to keep this fish in what is essentially solitary confinement. Other animals are also covered in this law, including guinea pigs and budgerigars. Go Swiss!
Embarrassing Deaths
Hugging at the Moon
The Chinese poet Li Po was known to love the drink as much as he loved the written word. One beautiful night in CE 762, he took a ride down the Yangtze River. He was slightly smashed when he saw the dazzling reflection of the moon on the water’s surface. He decided to embrace the reflection, falling into the water and drowning.
It might be a little embarrassing, but I think this is one of the best ways to go. So poetic. Death by moon hug. It’s especially haunting when you read one of his most famous poems, “Drinking Alone.” Here is a clip:
I take my wine jug out among the flowers
to drink alone, without friends.
I raise my cup to entice the moon.
That, and my shadow, makes us three.
But the moon doesn’t drink,
and my shadow silently follows.
I will travel with moon and shadow,
happy to the end of spring.
When I sing, the moon dances.
When I dance, my shadow dances, too.
We share life’s joys when sober.
Drunk, each goes a separate way.
Constant friends, although we wander,
we’ll meet again in the Milky Way.
All Wound Up and Nowhere to Go
We Did That? Page 4