We Did That?

by Sophie Stirling

  A Spirit to Irritate Your Spirits

  You know exactly what you need on those days you just can’t? Those days when you more closely resemble a sloth than a productive panda? Drink of the spirit of Aqua Magnanimitatis to lift you out of your stupor. It’s especially good if you must go to war, need courage, want to pee a lot, or want to have lots of sex. Basically, it will be a kick in the pants. Or, perhaps more appropriately, like having ants in your pants.

  You might know the main ingredient in this remedy— “pismire”—by the more casual name of “piss ant” or “pissant,” if you want to sound French, and fancy. Basically, you’re going to need a lot of these annoying little insects. Aqua Magnanimitatis will also cure deafness, or restore your vision, if you’re getting a tad blind…but, I dare you to drop eau d’ant in your eyeballs.

  Take of pismires or ants (the biggest that have a sourish smell are the best) two handfuls, spirit of wine a gallon. Digest them in a glass vessel, close shut the space of a month in which time they will be dissolved into a liquor. Then distill them in balneum [a vessel for holding hot water] until all be dry. Then put the same quantity of ants as before. Digest and distill them in the said liquor as before. Do this three times, and then aromatize the spirit with some cinnamon.

  Note that upon the spirit will float an oil which must be separated.

  This spirit is of excellent use to stir up the animal spirit—in so much that John Casmire…did always drink of it when they went to fight, to increase magnanimity and courage which it did even to admiration.

  This spirit does also wonderfully irritate them that are slothful to venery [sexual indulgence].

  It also provokes urine even to admiration.

  It does also wonderfully irritate the spirits that are dulled and deeded with any cold distemper. This oil does the same effects, and indeed more powerfully.

  This oil does, besides what is spoken of the spirit, help deafness exceedingly, two or three drops being dropped into the ear, after it is well syringed, once in a day for a week together.

  It helps also the eyes that have any film growing on them, being now and then dropped into them.

  John Casmire was a German prince in the sixteenth century, most of his battles would have been related to religious matters. So, if you’re facing down a battle like he did, Aqua Magnanimitatis will get you pumped up during the battle pre-game.

  I’m not sure why anyone would want to “provoke urine even to admiration”—perhaps a who-can-pee-farther contest between two mature men? Whatever the intention, this spirit was meant to be a sort of 5-Hour Energy drink with ants in it, to cure your slothful tendencies, and kick any lethargic feelings right out the door.

  “Take your fee while the patient still feels ill.”

  —Common physician advice

  Twenty-Seven Cures by Onion

  They make you cry, they make your quesadilla taste amazing, and they make you think of “my heart is like an onion” similes. But, did you know that there are twenty-seven ways this layered veggie could cure you? According to Pliny the Elder anyway. Pliny was a multitalented Roman naturalist and philosopher in the first century. His life’s work, Natural History, endeavors to capture tomes of ancient knowledge of the natural world. Regarding onions, here are some of the best of the twenty-seven cures he wrote about.

  If you thought you hated the burning sensation in your eyes that comes with chopping onions, imagine rubbing the evil juice in your eyes. Pliny’s first recommended use of the mighty onion is as a cure for those with vision problems. For “dimness of sight, the patient being made to smell at it till tears come into the eyes: it is still better even if the eyes are rubbed with the juice.” By the end, you will be crying dramatically enough to win yourself an Oscar.

  If you find yourself set upon by hounds from hell, and bitten, then Pliny recommends, “Fresh onions in vinegar, applied topically, or dried onions with wine and honey, are good for the bites of dogs, care being taken not to remove the bandage till the end of a couple of days. ” Slathering yourself with onions several day’s old sounds aromatic—just add some salt, and you’ll be ready for the oven. He also writes that this same recipe for dog bites is good for curing skin damaged by being scratched and picked constantly.

  Good news for those who’ve spent too many nights at their local brothel. Take the onion and, “Roasted in hot ashes, many persons have applied them topically, with barley meal, for defluxions [discharge] of the eyes and ulcerations of the genitals.” Warning: it won’t make you smell any better after your nighttime escapade.

  There is apparently something about onions and honey that makes the combination prime for healing. He recommends it highly for snake bites, and any other wounds caused by animals, such as scorpion bites. Also, if you add some breast milk—I know—he claims, it can cure ear infections; or, if your ears are ringing, or you’re going slightly deaf, just drop some down your ear canal “with goose-grease or honey.”

  Additional onion remedies include soothing digestion, acting as suppositories for the bowels, curing dropsy (fluid retention and swelling), quinsy (an inflammation of the tonsils), and “dispelling lethargy.” And, my personal favorite: “In cases where persons have been suddenly struck dumb, it has been administered to them to drink, mixed with water.” Two other ailments it cures are toothache and mouth ulcers—the juice of the onion is gargled in the mouth. Ooh…Listerine vs. onion juice mouthwash. Who would win? Ready, set, gargle.

  Milk Transfusions

  The history of blood transfusions is long and controversial. The first successful one was performed as early as the seventeenth century by physician Richard Lower. However, many of the cases started, and ended grimly, with a great deal of animal abuse. (Consider yourself warned.) Animals were the first test patients for transfusions, particularly dogs and lambs. Then, humans. Most outcomes ended up killing the donor, however, and the practice was condemned by Royal Society, the French government, and even the Vatican.

  There were simply too many difficulties and dangers. The blood would often coagulate, patients died even after their lives had been saved, and donors would often die as well. Getting past these drawbacks seemed impossible. But by mid-nineteenth century, physicians were willing to try anything. Their next brilliant idea? Transfusions using a blood replacement. The replacement? Milk.

  The first experiment happened in 1854, by Drs. James Bovell and Edwin Hodder. Their theory was that the oily and fatty particles in milk could be converted into “white corpuscles” or white blood cells. (Hey, milk is white, innit?) They injected forty-year-old patient zero with twelve-ounces of cow’s milk. Surprisingly, he seemed to react well. So did the next patient. The next five times, however, the patients all died.

  Despite the negative outcomes, however, the belief that milk was an effective substitute continued to be tested. Cow milk was mainly used, but then, goat milk, and eventually, human milk, to see if that was more compatible. The first patient stopped breathing within a few moments after human milk was introduced to her bloodstream. Thankfully, this practice wasn’t milked much longer; it was disproven around 1884. By the turn of the century, in 1901, blood types were finally discovered, putting an end to milk transfusions once and for all.

  “I am dying from the treatment of too many physicians.”

  —Alexander the Great

  A Bad Case of the Sneezies

  Could you imagine sneezing once a minute for over two months straight? How about every few seconds? In 1966, seventeen-year-old June Clark from Miami lived this terrifying scenario. Somehow, after she had surgical procedure on her kidneys, her sneezing began out of the blue and didn’t stop.

  Her doctors were completely baffled and tried all different types of treatment, from hypnosis to infrared exposure. The only time she got some peace was while sleeping, and to do this she usually had to take drugs. Finally, the doctors tried electric therapy�
�shocking her every time she sneezed—and it worked!

  Getting Preggy with It

  Trying to get pregnant (or not) is a struggle most couples have dealt with since the dawn of our species. Without the perks of modern medicine, for centuries, physicians and midwives have had to make do with trial and error. For those who were desperate to get pregnant (not get pregnant), and willing to try anything, countless tricks and concoctions were prescribed to give eager couples their desire. Or at least raise their hopes for it. But hey, don’t go trying these at home.

  Grow a Pair

  Following the infamous and ancient theory of “like cures like,” we’ll now cure a man’s infertility with the same thing that is apparently causing it: his testicles.

  In the Roaring Twenties, Russian-born physician Serge Voronoff had a wild theory. Since he believed lower hormonal activity happened as you aged, perhaps boosting hormone production could stop aging (and thus infertility). To test out his theory, he performed some self-experimentation, where he injected the ground testicles of dogs and guinea pigs into his own testicles. Nothing exactly happened, but for some reason, he believed the experiment paid off. My mother always told me men believed what they wanted to, and there was stopping them.

  He soon began offering his services, but with small “slithers” of baboon testicles (because you can’t exactly transplant full-sized baboon testicles into yours, sorry). The placebo effect was dominant, and the practice took off, but shriveled up after a few years. In the following century, this fad was taken up by “Doctor” John Romulus Brinkley. Make no mistake, Brinkley had fewer medical qualifications than Dr. Evil. No, his degree came from Eclectic Medical University in Kansas City (says it all really).

  But, his ad—leading with “Do you wish continue as a sexual flat tire?”—insisted that men could restore their virility with a new set of testicles joined to the patient’s current pair. From which animal would you procure the testicles this time, you ask? Goats.

  An embarrassing number of men bought into this quacky fertility cure. What became of the men who were injured or impaired from being operated on by someone who probably never dissected a frog? Within a decade, unsurprisingly, his popularity faded, and he went bankrupt from numerous lawsuits.

  On the other hand—and ironically—male animal nuts were prescribed in the past to prevent pregnancy too. Trota of Salerno, one of the few female physicians in the twelfth century, had a pretty savage prescription for keeping pregnancy at bay.

  She recommended cutting off the testicles of a male weasel, and releasing it back into the wild. Then, wrapping the testicles in goose skin, and wearing them around your neck. I definitely think having a shriveled pair of nuts around your neck would make the guys give you a wide berth, and prevent any activities that remotely led to pregnancy. An effective contraceptive indeed! If these were human male testicles (preferably of your ex), then I would say this was less of a cruel contraceptive, and more of a power move.

  Fertility Theme Park

  In the late 1700s, electricity was starting to have a strong current in the medical world (sorry). Used for a variety of “treatments”—from helping flush out toxins, to reviving dead people—the plight of infertility didn’t escape its reach either.

  Another “doctor” named James Graham convinced his wealthy patrons to support many of his crazy endeavors. He went on to become one of the most notorious quacks of the eighteenth century. One of his most cray-cray experiments was the Temple of Health and Hymen. I think the name says it all, and I don’t need to continue. I feel I can stop here, right? That name.

  Anyways, the Temple of Health and Hymen opened in London in 1780, and, in essence, was a fertility theme park. It was filled with women dressed as “goddesses,” wearing as little clothing as possible, who recited verses to the god Apollo. But, the main attraction was Graham’s electro-magnetic, musical “Grand State Celestial Bed.” The whole purpose of the bed was to provide baby-making vibes by “gently pervading the whole system with a copious tide of that celestial fire.”

  There was even a motel-like service available, with the option of a private Celestial Bed. It was twelve feet long, and nine feet wide, balanced on dozens of pillars of colored glass, and decorated with large crimson tassels. Sweet perfumes were blown onto the bed, while get-it-on music played in the background. For only fifty pounds, couples could use the bed, and were guaranteed “immediate conception.” A hefty promise. You’ll be shocked to learn, he went bankrupt only a few years later.

  Croikey Contraceptives

  You’ll be thanking heavens for your IUD in a moment. In ancient Egypt, a common form of birth control was none other than crocodile dung. The dung was dried into little pebbles, and inserted into the vagina, where it was softened by the heat of female body temperature, and formed a blockage for you-know-what. In India, the women were known to use elephant dung instead. You gotta use what you have… Now, all you have to do is explain to your man why things are a little stank down there.

  The practice of putting weird ingredients up there was very common in ancient times. A few other contraceptive ingredients were ginger, tobacco juice, tree sap, olive oil, ghee, lemon juice, lemon halves, cotton, wool, and sea sponges. Basically, your entire pantry and bathroom drawer. Stuff it all up there. Hey, without the pill we had to get inventive, didn’t we?

  Some ingredients had some basis in reason, for example, we know now that lemon and acacia juice can act as spermicides. But, many others, specifically, animal droppings, simply made one smelly.

  Is He All Dead? Or Mostly Dead?

  In the wise words of Billy Crystal’s character, Miracle Max, in The Princess Bride, “If he’s mostly dead, I can save him; if he’s all dead—there’s only one thing you can do. Go through his clothes and look for loose change.”

  So, in the past, how did we know someone was all dead? That they had really and truly crossed over to the other side? That they weren’t just in a temporary state of mostly deadness, and would reawaken in a little while? In the seventeenth and eighteenth centuries, there was general public panic of being accidentally buried alive (called taphophobia by the way). After several stories circulated of this happening, it’s no wonder.

  In 1740, the French anatomist Jacques Bénigne Winslow wrote that, “The onset of putrification was the only reliable indicator that the subject had died.” Scary, innit? What could that say about the people who were buried before their bodies started to decompose? Thankfully Winslow created some precautionary measures to determine all deadness.

  “The individual’s nostrils are to be irritated by introducing sternutaries, errhines [tools that could make you sneeze], juices of onions, garlic and horseradish… The gums are to be rubbed with garlic, and the skin stimulated by the liberal application of whips and nettles [a really itchy plant]. The intestines can be irritated by the most acrid enemas, the limbs agitated through violent pulling, and the ears shocked by hideous Shrieks and excessive Noises. Vinegar and salt should be poured in the corpse’s mouth and where they cannot be had, it is customary to pour warm Urine into it, which has been observed to produce happy Effects.”

  When all else failed, you could cut slits in the bottom of their feet, thrust needles under their nails, and even putting a hot poker up their anus (getting kinky eh?).

  Precoffinary Measures

  In response to the horror stories of people being buried alive, inventors got innovative and crafted special coffins that let the person inside signal for help if they happened to, you know, not actually be dead. One such inventor, John Krichbaum, patented his very practically named “Device for Indicating Life in Buried Persons” in December, 1882. In case they were “under doubt of being in a trance,” there would be a T-shaped pipe inside the coffin itself, and the person’s hands would rest on either end of the T. Leading out of the pipe, would be a tube that reached the ground overhead. If the person was alive, when they woke u
p, their hands would disrupt the T-pipe, since that’s where their hands are placed. By way of a cross-pin, and a few other complicated mechanisms, it would show above, on the invention’s display, that the pipe had been disturbed. If the person should “make any more violent motion,” it would then turn. This would open up the tube, so that air from above could enter, until help arrived. To keep rain or water from entering the tube over time, the tube and display could be covered by glass, so people could still monitor the status.

  This is just one crafty coffin that added some actual life insurance. Another one, invented in 1868, used a bell and a ladder. Above the ground, there was a bell with a rope attached to it, and leading down into the coffin, a rope would be tied around the person’s hand. If there were any movement, people would be alerted immediately by the bells. Hopefully, someone would be around to hear them. Not many just stroll around graveyards in their free time, unless they’re tombstone tourists (which is a macabre-yet-cool hobby, by the way). Still, it was a cool invention for this very real medical phobia. And speaking of cool inventions… It looks like it’s time to leave the world of medicine, and explore the world of wacky inventions aimed to please us, and (for some) make us cackle in glee…

  We Invented That?

  Surprising and Wacky Inventions

  “We often find what will do by finding out what will not do; and probably he who never made a mistake never made a discovery.”

  —Samuel Smile, Self Help, 1859

  The Pioneers of Invention

  In this chapter, you’ll discover how true it is that there are no limits to our imagination. If we can dream it, we can achieve it. If we can imagine it, we can invent it. If someone can picture a top hat that carries our cigarette, music, glasses, and perfume all at once—it can be created. If someone envisions a surfing wheel for humans in the same style of a hamster wheel, it can be invented. Or at the least, it can be patented!