by PJ Nakfoor
James Taylor was captivating when he entered the stage, welcomed the and crowd and sang his first song, You’ve Got a Friend. His voice hadn’t changed a bit over the decades. When I closed my eyes, I still saw the gentle faced singer with long, wavy hair and alluring voice, strumming his guitar. The entire lawn stood, clapping and singing and dancing—our contemporaries as well as a few scattered millennials. The mood was contagious, and we stood for more than half of the concert, which lasted over two hours. Swept up by the music and the camaraderie, I didn’t suffer a spoonful of anxiety the rest of the evening.
On the way home, our moods were ebullient, and we intermittently broke into singing our favorite James Taylor songs.
“I feel giddy, Carl. Even better…triumphant!”
“You and me both. When’s the last time you heard me sing out loud outside of church?” He reached over and caressed my face.
* * *
I told Carl that I hoped to finish my final step next weekend, wanting to take advantage of my success and momentum. We used to camp and canoe together, and I thought he would enjoy spending a day or two in nature with me. Michigan is rich with lakes, rivers, and beautiful dunes along its hundreds of miles of lakeshore. At our last meeting, Dr. Buhari had said a remote trip would be best, both to avoid the distraction of crowds and to push myself by avoiding the beaten path.
“Remote?” I had asked, my habitual apprehension threatening.
“Perhaps ‘remote’ is too strong a word. How about ‘unblemished?’” he said, making the word sound beautiful and serene.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
2020
Carl got on the scale for the first time since his appointment with Dr. Sheffield.
“Vivian, I lost six pounds!” he called from the bathroom.
“Carl, that’s wonderful. I had noticed your jeans were starting to sag in the rear,” I said, as I turned on the shower.
“You’ve been looking at my rear? That’s fine with me. I also had to tighten my belt a notch.”
“You’ll be in a Speedo by July fourth.”
I lathered up with lavender soap and mint shampoo as I stood under the warm jets of water, letting myself be enveloped by the steam and calming, clean scents. I felt every muscle in my body relax. The few minutes of indulgence was heavenly.
Carl and I had increased the distance of our walks. I packed him healthier lunches to take to work and started cooking lighter recipes. I replaced ice cream with frozen yogurt, whole milk with 2%, and pork bacon with turkey bacon. He didn’t hate the changes as much as I’d anticipated.
“And I’ve been checking my blood pressure at Rite Aid. The numbers are coming down nicely,” Carl said, as he handed me a fluffy towel when I stepped out of the shower. “Why didn’t I see the doctor sooner?”
“Progress, not perfection, dear.”
* * *
The day had finally arrived: Tantalizing Step Ten. I was over the top with excitement, but it was mixed with more than a twinge of fear. I thought the fear was inspired by success more than failure. What came next? Did I have to live the rest of my life forcing daily courage? Could I have an “off” day now and then? I put the brakes on my thoughts, deciding to concentrate on today.
After researching the Department of Natural Resources website and the map of Michigan I had decided on the Kowatoc River, a nearly four-hour drive up north. It was isolated and would offer great canoeing. Since we didn’t have a trailer hitch, Carl asked a coworker, Frank Ashe, if he could borrow his pickup truck. A couple of years before, Carl had spent a weekend helping Frank unload and spread several square yards of mulch on his property. Frank had promised to return the favor and was happy to do so.
“I can’t tell you how excited I am,” I told Carl.
“Me too, Viv. It’s been a long time. Faith was a toddler, so thirteen years?”
“That sounds about right.”
We packed some egg salad and tuna sandwiches, cheese sticks, granola bars, a jar of nuts, two bananas and plenty of bottled water into a Styrofoam cooler filled half-way with ice. Carl had retrieved the life jackets, our tent and sleeping bags from the basement the night before, and I added sunscreen, bug spray, and rain gear just in case. The weather was beautiful, but in Michigan, you could experience all four seasons in a twenty-four period. Finally, I put three Valiums into a Ziploc bag, and placed it in the cooler.
Frank arrived at 7:00 a.m. He came in for a cup of coffee and a slice of banana bread. He was a tall man with wavy gray hair and a slow, measured way of speaking.
“M-mm. Delicious,” he said, as he ate nearly half of the slice in one bite.
“Thank you, Frank, for being willing to help,” I said.
“No problem. Carl always makes himself available to me. He’s the only one at the warehouse to check in to see if I need any help,” he said, finishing his coffee.
Though Faith knew our plans, I left her a note and let her sleep.
We loaded the cooler and the gear, and then the men secured our eighteen-foot aluminum Grumman canoe, which we hadn’t used in years, into the bed of Frank’s truck. Carl gave Frank the keys to his sedan and we were off. Even after two cups of coffee I felt sleepy, so I dozed in the passenger seat for most of the trip. As we neared our destination, we stopped to use the restroom at a gas station, and for the first time I wondered how we would accomplish this task in the canoe. I guessed we would need to pull over to the riverbank and make sure to steer clear of any poison ivy. So far, my concerns were minimal, and I was grateful for that. We had researched a Google site and found an interactive river map so we could determine where to start and end the trip.
First, we drove to the downstream area and, at Frank’s suggestion, Carl put a bright orange construction cone along the river edge and secured it with some rocks. This would designate our stopping point. Next, we drove upstream and found a launching spot, emptied the truck and with some difficulty, lifted the canoe from the truck.
“Whew…maybe we should have brought Frank along. That thing is heavy,” I said as I rested a minute while I caught my breath. I didn’t want to think about putting it back in the truck.
Carl looked at his watch. “Let’s see… about twenty miles. We don’t want to rush but we’ll need to be back in time to have some daylight while we set up camp.”
We locked the truck, positioned the canoe at the launch, and pushed off. My emotions were an odd blend of excitement and serenity, and the two worked well together.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
1996
One early summer day, Vivi and Jesse made plans to go for a bike ride and have a picnic lunch. She made ham and cheese sandwiches and packed some of Nana’s coleslaw and a few Oreo cookies into her backpack. She handed Jesse some soft drinks and a blanket to put in his backpack.
“You kids have a nice picnic,” said Nana. “Keep your eye on the time, Vivi.”
“Will do, Nana.”
“And don’t forget your bike helmet.”
Vivi ran to the garage and retrieved it.
“Jesse, would you like to borrow Shane’s?” Nana called as they climbed onto their bikes.
“Oh, thank you, ma’am, I’m all set.”
“Where should we go?” Vivi asked, as they left the driveway.
“Follow me. I know a really cool park,” he said.
They rode for fifteen minutes through tree-lined neighborhoods, passing a small shopping center and two schools, and then pulled into a park that Vivi didn’t know existed. It was empty, unpretentious, and secluded, with a swing set and a couple of benches.
“How could I live so close and never see this place?” Vivi asked.
Jesse led them to a tucked-away area surrounded by heavy bushes. They spread out the blanket and Vivi unpacked and set out the food. They munched and drank, mostly in silence, and Vivi enjoyed the intimacy of the afternoon. After eating, they sat in the warm breeze, letting their lunches settle.
“So, tell me more about your childhood,
” said Jesse.
“What do you want to know?”
“More about your parents and brother. What things were like when you were little. You mentioned having panic attacks?”
Vivi wasn’t up for a deep conversation about her past right now. She didn’t want to talk about her panic attacks or her parents’ accident. She just wanted to enjoy being with Jesse.
“Oh, that’s boring stuff. Let’s talk about what colleges we’re interested in,” she offered, pushing the conversation toward the future and away from the past. Jesse stared at her intently and she loved the sensation his eyes provoked.
“I know what I’m interested in.” Jesse leaned forward and kissed her deeply, and then firmly pushed her onto the blanket and laid his body across hers. They continued to kiss, exploring each other’s mouths and necks. Vivi was captivated by the taste of his kisses and the softness of his lips. She thought she could stay this way for an hour, but soon Jesse’s body felt heavy on top of hers and it triggered a flash of anxiety.
“Jesse, please, you’re smothering me.”
“Shh,” he whispered. He lifted his chest off hers. “Is that better?”
Before she could respond, his body became heavier, and she felt pinned down again. In a flash, Vivi was tied up in the back of that horrible van all those years ago. Panic clenched like a fist in her chest and throat. Jesse, who seemed not to notice, began to breathe faster and he pressed his pelvis into Vivi’s, nudging back and forth gently, and then with more ardor. She felt him push his erection firmly toward her groin and when she tried to squirm out from under him, he became more excited, thrusting at her more forcefully.
“Jesse, I told you I’m not ready. Please, you said you understood.”
“C’mon baby, I love you.”
“Jesse, get off me!”
He got up onto his knees, unzipped his jeans and pulled out his large, hard penis.
“We don’t have to screw. Just use your hand,” he urged.
Vivi was repulsed and had to swallow hard to keep the bile from rising to her throat.
He grabbed her right hand and wrapped it around his penis, guiding it up and down, faster and faster. She couldn’t pull away—he held her there too tightly. Vivi felt completely helpless. He continued to thrust against her protestations. After a minute, his red face became contorted and his eyes rolled back. He yelled, “Ohhh-ohh,” and ejaculated all over their hands. He flopped onto his back and wiped his hand on the blanket, not bothering to zip his pants back up. His deflating penis stared at her, gloating.
Vivi stared in horror at her sticky hand.
“Amazing,” he whispered, his eyes closed.
Vivi wiped her hand on the grass and stood, glaring at him with anger and disbelief. She grabbed her backpack and ran towards her bike.
“Hey,” he yelled, “what the fuck?”
Vivi didn’t look back. Shaking and humiliated, she managed to jump on her bike and sobbed the entire ride home.
CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT
2020
I felt reborn as soon as we pushed off from the riverbank. The water flow was gentle and mesmerizing, birds sang in chorus the woods thick with red oak and jack pine trees, and we quickly developed a rhythm while rowing. The late morning sun and warm breeze caressed my face, and I was surrounded by the earthy scent of moss and wildflowers. Since practicing mindfulness, I had developed a heightened awareness of my senses and how my surroundings affected them. How had I lived on this earth for thirty-eight years without truly experiencing a fraction of what our Creator has given us? These were the gifts to unwrap while I worked on getting healthy, and they were mine for keeps.
Carl and I spent the hour chatting about subjects we hadn’t talked of in years. We discussed politics, places we’d like to visit, Nana and Papa, his candy container collection and more. We meandered down the river slowly and were occasionally propelled a bit faster by ripples and currents. So far, we hadn’t seen one other boat, person or dwelling. We could have been canoeing down the Amazon.
“How about lunch and a bathroom break?” Carl asked.
“Let’s do it.”
We pulled along the river’s edge to a spot which was fairly flat and open. We hauled the canoe to the shore, unpacked and ate sandwiches and munched on mixed nuts. Even food tasted better while out in nature.
“Viv, I’ll need you to stay with the canoe while I step a few feet into the woods. Then it’s your turn.” He was back in less than a minute.
I never liked peeing outdoors, but my camping days forced me to get used to it. Carl liked to camp in the wilderness instead of crowded places with community bathrooms. Thinking back to the early years of our marriage made me smile. Life with Carl had been uncomplicated and easygoing.
After lunch, we continued our journey and the river remained gentle for the next hour. I thought about Dr. Buhari and once again thanked God for putting him in my path, as I had all but given up on someday living a normal life. I’d always believed that I didn’t deserve what others did. Why? I might never know the answer, but I knew that I didn’t want to live my life as if I’m waiting for the next crisis. Just then, I made a promise that I would live, not just exist, and appreciate every day that I have left. At that moment, I dropped the rocks—my fears—which had been weighing me down and causing self-doubt for far too long. I visualized them sinking to the river’s bottom and us canoeing beyond them. I couldn’t remember the last time I felt so utterly relaxed.
* * *
I tried to call Faith just to check in, but the cell service was spotty. I sent her an i-message instead: Faith we are having a great time-love you. A couple of minutes later she responded: great news mom! Luv you 2 followed by two heart emojis.
“Viv, I’m thinking about all the things we can do together: camping, fishing, heck, even sailing lessons or horseback riding,”
“It all sounds so terrific, Carl. But let’s get through today first.”
“Sorry, I don’t mean to push you, honey. I’m happy for you, that’s all. Once I have my…I mean get my health in order, we can write a new chapter. Or better yet, a whole book.”
* * *
Soon we hit a stretch of the river where some logs and large rocks jutted upwards, and we had to maneuver around them. It was tricky having to change directions so quickly. Our venture had suddenly become an obstacle course. I felt stirrings of apprehension, but also titillation, something I had never experienced with my usual panic or fear. But the visceral excitement I now felt brought me back to that day on the rollercoaster with Shane, which was the last time I felt thrilled because I was doing something thrilling.
After several minutes of navigation, I needed a break.
“Carl, my shoulders are getting sore and I’d like to take some Advil. Can we pull over again soon? This is more of a workout than I anticipated.”
“Sure, as soon as I see a clearing.”
The more difficult paddling had increased the tension in my shoulders and chest, and the early afternoon sun shone straight down, causing us both to break into a sweat.
“Are you okay up there? Your tee-shirt is wet and sticking to your back,” I said.
“Here’s a clearing. Paddle sharp left. Left, Viv. Left!” Carl yelled.
The rushing water pushed us closer to the shoreline but apparently, I hadn’t paddled left enough, because the front of our canoe wedged itself between two rocks.
“Shit,” Carl spat.
We sat quietly for several minutes, and I was disappointed the mood took such a turn.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “Let’s just rest and hydrate for a bit.” I opened the cooler and reached for two bottles of water. Seeing the Valium in the Zip-Loc bag, I was tempted to pop one, but instead, I retrieved the small bottle of Advil from my jacket pocket. Carl removed his tee-shirt, dipped it in the water and wrung it out. After he put it back on, I handed him the Advil and water. He took the pills and several slugs of water, then gazed at me sheepishly.
“I’m sorry, too, Viv. I feel better after cooling off. Let’s push away from these rocks and start fresh.”
I blew Carl a kiss.
CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE
1996
Vivi was woken up by her grandparents’ voices through her open bedroom door. She strained to hear their conversation.
“I’m concerned about Vivi. Have you noticed how she’s been more withdrawn in the last week?” Nana asked, while she and Papa sat at the kitchen table having morning coffee.
“I have. Towards the end of the school year, we talked about her getting a summer babysitting job. Now she doesn’t seem to want to leave the house. And what happened to that boy, Jesse, the kid she was spending time with? I haven’t heard her mention his name lately.”
“It’s almost nine o’clock. I’m going to see if she’s up.”
Vivi heard footsteps on the stairs but stayed curled up in bed. Nana poked her head through the doorway and Vivi looked at her, sleepy-eyed. “G’morning, Nana,” she said, stretching and stifling a yawn.
Nana sat on the bed. “I haven’t gotten used to your new orange comforter and it almost blinded me. I remember your little girl room, all delicate pinks and blues… You’ve been awfully quiet lately, honey. Are you okay?”
“Mmm. Maybe a little down.” Vivi choked up and a tear trickled toward her pillow.
Nana stroked Vivi’s hair away from her face.
“What is it? You’ve been doing so well.”