by PJ Nakfoor
Vivi sat up, pulled her knees toward her chest and hugged them, configuring her body into a ball. She wiped her face and sniffled.
“I have been doing really well, but things, um, happened with Jesse.”
“Can you talk to me about it?” Nana’s voice was gentle.
“It’s embarrassing.”
“Vivi, we are both girls and your mother isn’t here for you to confide in. Papa and I made a vow that we would be parents to you and Shane every step of the way.”
Vivi remained quiet for several minutes, struggling with how much to tell Nana.
“I really liked him, but he was pushing me for sex even when I told him I wasn’t ready.”
Vivi could see astonishment followed by anger in Nana’s eyes.
“Did he respect your wishes?” she asked.
“Not really. He kept trying stuff and I had to keep saying ‘no.’”
“Vivi, did he force himself on you?” Nana’s voice was an octave higher.
“Um—no, but I thought he might, so I ran away from him that day in the park.”
Vivi was relieved that Nana didn’t ask for more detail. She knew she was a terrible liar and planned to tell no one what really happened. Nana held her tightly and rocked her back and forth, just like she did when Vivi was a little girl. Although Nana’s voice remained calm, Vivi could sense her fury.
“Darling, you don’t need any boy who doesn’t respect you. In a couple of years, you’ll be in college and have a whole campus of young men to choose from. I’m proud of how you handled this situation with Jesse. It’s fine to grieve, especially since you liked him, but don’t ever second guess yourself.” Nana kissed her on the temple. “But if he comes near you again, we’ll need to take action.”
“Thanks, Nana.” After Nana left the room, Vivi buried her face in her pillow and stayed in her bed for most of the morning.
* * *
Later that afternoon, Vivi rode her bike to Astrid’s house, where Astrid and Bethany were drinking Cokes, eating potato chips, and listening to Red Hot Chili Peppers. Posters of various rock and grunge bands covered Astrid’s bedroom walls. The girls wanted to hear all about Jesse.
“So, on the phone, you said something happened at the movie theater and the park?” asked Astrid.
“Well, during the movie…” Vivi hesitated.
Both girls listened in anticipation.
“He tried to feel me up.”
“Jerk!” said Bethany. “So, what did you do?”
“I didn’t let him. Later we talked about it and he apologized.”
“But do you think he really meant the apology?” asked Bethany.
“I did. But when we rode our bikes to the park last week for a picnic, he did the same thing.” Vivi thought she might cry.
“Fucker!” Bethany barked.
“So now what?” Astrid took Vivi’s hands into hers.
“Now, nothing. He better not come near me again.”
Both girls hugged Vivi, promising her their support.
Astrid’s mom stepped into the bedroom with a tray full of sandwiches. Each girl took one and thanked her. Studying Vivi she said, “Is everything okay in here?”
“Yes, Mom. We’re just talking about what jerks boys are,” Astrid said.
“I used to think the same when I was your age. Sometimes I still do,” she said as she left the room.
“Let’s change the subject. I don’t want to talk about Jesse anymore,” said Vivi.
After the girls ate and made small talk, Bethany piped up.
“One last boy question, but it has nothing to do with Jesse. Vivi, did Shane ever say anything about me?”
“Um, yeah. He thinks you’re really nice, but he’s seeing someone,” Vivi answered, not making eye contact with Bethany. God, she was a terrible liar.
* * *
Shane and Vivi ordered Cokes and burgers at the grill on the community college campus. Their server was a cute, tattooed girl with dread locks and nose piercing. Her nametag read “Meadow.”
“I was shocked when you asked me to lunch!” said Vivi.
“Well, I haven’t been a great brother since I started college and thought we should spend more time together.”
Meadow brought tall glasses of ice-cold Coke to the table. She stared at Shane an instant too long. Even Vivi could feel the sensual aura.
While waiting for their food, the siblings talked about school, home life, and how it was hard to watch Nana and Papa slowing down. Shane told Vivi that he joined a twelve-step meeting, and it was pretty cool.
“That’s great news.” She didn’t know how they worked, but she’d read in the newspaper that they were really helpful for people with alcohol or drug problems.
The food arrived and Meadow lingered a bit as she set Shane’s plate on the table. She offered him a Coke refill, but somehow didn’t remember to do the same for Vivi.
“So, where’s Jesse been? I haven’t seen him around,” said Shane, squirting ketchup on the fries before dousing them with vinegar.
Vivi blinked away tears. “He’s a complete jerk.”
“What happened?”
She blew on a steaming French fry and popped it into her mouth. “He kept pushing me to have sex.”
“That fucker!” Shane kicked the legs of the empty chair next to his, pushing it away from the table. A couple sitting nearby glanced over with curiosity.
“I don’t want to talk about him anymore.”
“Did he hurt you?”
“Not physically.”
“If I see his face again…” Shane’s voice shook in anger and he clenched his fists.
“Okay, okay, Shane. Let’s talk about something else.”
They proceeded to eat their lunches. Vivi looked around and saw tables filled with students eating and laughing, like in movies depicting dorm dining halls.
“You’ll be in college soon with all kinds of dudes,” Shane said.
“That’s what Nana said.”
As they finished lunch, Vivi figured that Shane was steaming inside by the way he attacked his food as if it were prey. If Jesse walked in here right now, she was afraid he’d stab him with his fork.
Meadow returned with the bill and Shane picked it up. She winked at him.
“I think she likes you,” Vivi teased.
“About that—there’s something I want to tell you.” Shane started fidgeting.
Vivi’s felt a rush of adrenaline, thinking the worst. “Okay.”
“Um, well it’s hard to talk about, but I want you to know. You’ve dealt with your issues over the years, and I’m sorry I haven’t really been there for you,” Shane said.
“You were there from the beginning—that awful day at the fair. I knew how upset you were.”
“I promise to do better,” Shane said.
“So? Are you okay?” Vivi asked.
“I’m actually better than I’ve been in a while. Here goes—I’m gay,” he said in a lowered voice.
Vivi sighed and her face filled with relief. “Oh, that’s it? I was worried it was something bad, like you had cancer or were in trouble with the law.”
“You’re not surprised?”
“Maybe a little. But I’ve suspected it for a while. You don’t seem to notice when girls check you out. And you don’t date.”
“I went out with a girl from one of my classes a couple of times. Testing myself, I guess. We had a good time together, but I had no desire to get physical. None.”
Vivi picked at her burger while questions swarmed her brain. Did anyone else know about Shane? Had he ever had a relationship? What would Nana and Papa think? Over the years, she had been consumed with her own struggles, never paying attention to what Shane may have been dealing with. Is that the reason he waited so long to tell her? She wished she’d been a better sister and it hurt her to think he was struggling without anyone to confide in. But that would change—she would help him in any way she could. Her face flushed as she felt herself overw
helmed by how much she loved him.
“I have a million questions, but we talk more on the ride home. I hope you find Mr. Right someday.”
“You’ll be the first to know.”
“I love you, Shane.”
Meadow brought back Shane’s change. “Thank you, I hope you’ll be back sometime,” she said, looking flirtatiously at him and walked away swaying her hips.
As they got up to leave, Vivi whispered to Shane, “Poor Meadow. She doesn’t realize that her chances are zip.” They laughed.
CHAPTER THIRTY
2020
By midday, the sun intensified as it reflected off the water. I reapplied sunscreen and opened another bottled water, tossing one to Carl as well. We had been drifting through fairly calm waters for the past hour and because of the heat, we took a rowing break and let the mild current usher the canoe downstream. I was lulled by the lapping of the river, the occasional flop of a fish and the melody orchestrated by croaking frogs and trilling birds.
“Look up ahead, Viv. The river narrows quite a bit, so we need to be ready for stronger currents again,” Carl said. “And you’d better put our phones out of harm’s way. Mine’s in my back pocket.
I stuffed our phones inside our rolled-up rain gear.
I remembered reading that wide, shallow streams moved more slowly, and deep, narrow ones did the opposite. Soon, the water became turbulent, and we had to work hard to keep the canoe steady. Suddenly, Carl lost the grip on his oar and as it rushed past me, I leaned over and grabbed it, nearly causing us to capsize.
“Careful, Viv!” he yelled.
“I got it!”
“Thank God, Viv. We would have been up shit’s creek if we’d lost the paddle. Good one, huh?” Carl snickered at his own joke.
“Don’t quit your day job, dear. A stand-up comic, you are not.”
I was proud of myself. We focused on maneuvering the canoe for the next half hour, and I had to admit it was exhilarating. It had been a vampire’s lifetime since I was willing to be adventuresome.
Eventually, we were in calmer waters. After the bit of excitement, I opened a granola bar and tossed Carl a banana. Using my mindfulness techniques, I settled into a state where I could once again appreciate the beautiful surroundings. We saw deer scampering along the river’s edge: a doe and two yearlings with sprouting nubs that would be antlers by next summer. I spotted a large, hefty animal grazing in a bush. As he emerged, I was shocked to see a giant rack of antlers.
“Carl, is that an elk?”
“Maybe. Hand me my binoculars.”
I unwrapped my rain jacket and took the binoculars out of a plastic bag, careful to protect my oar. Carl used them to look at the large animal for several seconds.
“It sure is. And I think there’s a second elk further in, but that one’s hard to see,” he confirmed, as he handed me the binoculars. “Take a peek.”
The animal was beautiful—he had a reddish-tan hide and a large face and head. With magnification, I got a better look at his majestic, velvety rack. We sat still for several minutes watching the two animals graze.
“I didn’t think elk existed in the Lower Peninsula,” I said.
“I just watched a documentary about elk,” Carl said. “They’re native only to Asia and North America and they live in mountainous or forested habitats. They can weigh over a thousand pounds.”
“Absolutely beautiful!”
If Faith hadn’t found Dr. Buhari, I wouldn’t have left the house, let alone canoe down a remote river and spot such a magnificent animal. As difficult as working through the CBT program had been so far, I was reaping ten-fold the rewards that I thought possible.
We continued looking at wildlife along the riverbank. We spotted a beaver, a muskrat and even a bald eagle. I first saw its huge shadow skim across the water surface and looked up to see the imposing, graceful bird. This sighting was a first for me—I had only seen eagles in pictures.
There had been other “firsts” during my childhood: the rollercoaster ride with Shane, prom dress shopping with Astrid and Bethany, my first boyfriend, Jesse. Nausea gripped my insides, but I was able to push away the horrible images and haul myself back to the present. Jesse had taken too much from me, and I was not going to let him hijack another minute of my life.
We had been in the boat for several hours, and I hadn’t experienced an ounce of fear. In fact, just the opposite—I felt untethered and totally free.
“How are you doing back there, Viv?” Carl said.
“So well, I’m already planning our next adventures.”
“Really? Tell me what’s next.”
“Oh, maybe a European cruise, a Broadway play, or a trip to Hawaii.”
“I’ll take all three. As long as you promise me a baseball game at Yankee Stadium while we’re in New York.”
“It’s a deal,” I said.
“I’m so proud of you, Viv.”
“Thanks. I keep pinching myself to see if this is reality. I’d almost forgotten about the Valium I packed in the cooler. Looks like I won’t need it,” I said, feeling proud.
Suddenly Carl let go of his oar and I was caught off guard, so I couldn’t retrieve it.
“Carl—your paddle!”
“Oh, my chest!” he shouted. “Viv, I need help!”
Before I could process his words, he slumped over the edge of the canoe.
“Carl!” I yelled and stood up to help him.
The canoe tipped sharply, and Carl fell out and into the shallow water. I jumped out to help him, and the canoe righted and began to move downstream.
“Oh my God!” I screamed. “Help!”
I lifted Carl’s head out of the water, and he was ashen and not breathing. I knelt on the river bottom of sand and gravel and steadied myself, turning his head to one side to drain any water from his mouth, and then gave him four mouth-to-mouth breaths. There was no response, so I gave him four more breaths to no avail. I had to get him onto the shoreline, so I positioned myself at his head, wedged my hands under his armpits, and with all my might, dragged him to the river’s edge. It was like hauling a bag of concrete from the water. I was able to get him to the sandy edge where I checked again to see if he was breathing. Nothing. I felt his neck for a pulse. None.
CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE
2020
I had taken CPR training years ago, and prayed I remembered the sequence. I had to pretend Carl was a resuscitation mannequin, because if I let myself believe this was my husband, I’d be useless. Though I was worn out from pulling his heavy body to shore, I knelt down, interlocked my fingers, and positioned my hands over his chest. I gave him fifteen compressions and then hyperextended his neck, plugged his nose, and blew two forceful breaths into his mouth. A flashback helped convince me that I was working on Resusi-Andy, not Carl. I rechecked a pulse and finding none, performed another fifteen chest compressions, more vigorously this time. I wasn’t sure if I was following the current guidelines exactly but continued two breaths followed by fifteen compressions, repeating the sequence over and over. As I fatigued, I tried to renew my intensity, telling myself that I would fail the class if my patient died. I kept going until I lost count of how many rounds of CPR I did. When I was about to pass out from sheer exhaustion, my CPR instructor said, “Go on, Vivian. One more chance to save him.” But I could not. I was forced to stop when every bit of my strength had been consumed.
I sprawled across Carl’s cool, mottled body. I was dripping with sweat, and my heart thundered nearly out of my chest. Once I was able to stand, I screamed until my voice was reduced to a croak.
“I need help! Someone please, my husband’s dead! Carl’s dead! Help!”
But help did not come. The world around me carried on with its uninterrupted expressions of life. The trees, river, and forest creatures flourished as they always had.
But Carl lay still, dead.
Then I heard a familiar tune and listened more intently.
I swear it was Carl’s phone’
s ringtone— Classic. I patted the pockets of his shorts but couldn’t find his phone. It had to be nearby. The ringing stopped. Maybe I had imagined it. Then I heard my phone’s ringtone— Waves. This, I didn’t imagine. The canoe!
I remembered putting both phones into Ziploc bags when the water had become choppy and tucked them into our roll of rain gear. I had stuffed all of it behind the cooler in the aft part of the boat. Everything must have dislodged and scattered within the boat when Carl fell out.
I went to the water’s edge and saw the canoe wedged between two logs which jutted above a turbulent area about a third of the way across the stream . Both phones must still be in the canoe!
I waded into the water and felt my shoes squish into the murky bottom. The soft riverbed seemed to want to swallow me whole. Once I was waist deep, I swam the rest of the way. I was breathless when I reached the canoe and carefully pulled myself up along its side. Now what? Maybe I could tip it enough to locate one of the phones. Dear God, please help! I tried several times to pull it down toward its side without allowing the boat to capsize or take on enough water to sink. I was able to hear water sloshing around its bottom but couldn’t reach in far enough to locate any objects.
Gasping and with a racing heart, I forced myself to relax, keeping my body afloat for a few minutes to conserve energy while I thought about my next move. Could I crawl up the log and hurl myself into the boat? It was worth a try. I swam to the fore end, which was jammed between the logs. I was able to grip the larger log with my hands and the soles of my tennis shoes, but it was covered in slime and I lost my footing. As I slipped back into the water, my shoe kicked the canoe, causing it to dislodge from its captors. The current lurched the boat forward and away from me. Within seconds, the canoe was out of my reach and moving downstream, along with my hope.
* * *
I swam slowly back to the shoreline, dreading the hours ahead. I felt dizzy and disoriented as I stepped out of the water. My entire world was off its axis. I knelt beside Carl and whispered “I love you” over and over. He had been happy and alive one minute and was lifeless the next. That thought took me back over a quarter of a century, to the happiest, and the worst, day of my life—the county fair. I had woken that morning, exhilarated with anticipation about what the day would bring: the rollercoaster, ice cream, carnival music. But inside of sixty seconds, innocence and safety were torn away from me. I was separated from my family and trusted an adult who pretended to help me. I’d been led away and tricked into believing strangers, whose only goal was to exploit a child. In the back of that rusty blue van, tied and gagged and barely able to breathe, I was sure I would never be found. Years later, I relived that helplessness and exploitation at the hands of a peer, a friend. Jesse would never know how his actions destroyed years of my life by reinforcing that I wasn’t really a person. I was a trinket, a bauble, a plaything. And that I would never truly be safe.