by Lara Norman
"I told you I can walk just fine, Caleb."
But when he kissed her, she couldn't even pretend to be annoyed with him. It was the hottest thing he'd ever done for her, and there'd been plenty of passionate moments in their marriage. The idea that he wanted her and their baby safe was a turn on, coupled with the strength of his arms as he surrounded her with them to pick her up.
"I don't care if you're capable. Doc said to keep you off your feet, and that's what I'm doing."
She cradled his cheek in her palm, tears pricking her eyes as she caressed the scruff that grew there. "Thank you," she breathed, and he rewarded her with his handsome grin.
Caleb turned to Don as the older man poured a cup of coffee. "Now, what happened?"
"He hasn't been able to sleep." Don pulled out a box of donuts someone had donated the day before and set them on the table before taking a seat. "Your mother prescribed him a sleeping aid. I thought he would sleep last night. I was wrong." Images of Devon screaming and pulling his hair out flashed through his brain and he heaved a sigh.
"Why were you in your office?" Caleb put a donut on a napkin and passed it to Lori. "You both look like hell, and you couldn't possibly have been comfortable."
"He woke me up at about three. I heard this chair fall, and by the time I made it here, he was screaming like the hounds of hell were chasing him. He'd had several beers—the bottles were on the table—and had found my tequila in the cabinet in my office." His hands shook as he scrubbed them over his face. He swallowed more coffee and tried to decide if his stomach could tolerate a donut. "He kept saying Hailey was crying and wouldn't stop. Mom came in the room and we all just kind of sat together until Devon passed out. I didn't want to leave him alone."
"Fuck," Caleb murmured. Lori covered his hand with hers, and he flipped his over so he could grip hers tightly on his leg. "Seriously, Dad, what the hell are we going to do? He can't survive this."
"I don't know, Caleb. I wish I had answers. I wish a lot of things."
"I know that feeling."
"When he wakes up, he'll want to know what the police are doing today," Lori said. "We can start with getting an update from them. He'll feel awful, so water, coffee, and maybe Pepto will be useful."
"Good ideas, babe."
Though Lori smiled, it didn't reach her eyes. She felt responsible, and it was a feeling she couldn't shake. Hailey had disappeared on her watch, after all.
"People stopped by off and on yesterday. There was a bunch of stuff left on the front porch, according to your mom. Food, flowers, stuffed animals, notes. I haven't been by Devon's, but it's probably the same. Vince said he would go by there today and check." Don braved the donut and found he was hungry.
"Vince is out searching again. Anna wants to help, too, but she couldn't find a sub since every able body is already searching. She'll check in with the police after school to see if there's anything she can do," Lori said.
"We need all the help we can get, that's for sure." Don rubbed his face again, hoping once more that Devon would sleep the day away. "We can hang posters, and I think I heard they were going to fax her missing persons photo to more counties."
"I honestly don't know what's left," Caleb said. "Search and Rescue was going to dredge the rivers, I think. There's more park to cover but, honestly, how is it even possible to cover all that area?"
"I'll do it my fucking self if I have to. I'll walk the entire state of New Hampshire, Caleb. I have to find her."
The trio at the table looked up at Devon. His eyes were puffy and the circles under them were nearly black. His complexion was paler than usual, and his slouched shoulders caused him to look as though he was knocking on death's door.
Caleb stood and crossed the kitchen to stand with his brother. "And I'll be by your side the whole way if that's what it takes."
Devon fell against his brother and sobbed.
Chapter Five
She's gone. Taken from me. What did she do to deserve that fate?
The words repeated themselves in Devon's head as he looked for his daughter. His father was by his side, as were Vince and Caleb. They followed mountain paths and hiked to camping spots favored by the locals. They reached the boundary of the Chatsworth Mill, and the other three had to convince Devon not to proceed.
"We're not supposed to go on their land without permission," Vince pointed out.
"Chief Hemsworth said she was in touch with Steven Chatsworth," Caleb reminded Devon. "He was going to let us know today if he’d heard from his father."
"It's a helpless five-year-old, Caleb. How could they say no?"
"They didn't say no, just that all decisions have to go through Simon Chatsworth. He’s out of reach in the middle of the ocean." Don was a practical man. He understood the need for procedures and protocol. He understood the need for permission and waiting to do things the legal way, but for God's sake, it was his granddaughter missing. He was inclined to agree with Devon, despite his outwardly calm demeanor. He was only being level-headed for Devon's benefit.
"There should be something more we can do," Devon whispered as he stood there staring at the fence which barred his entrance. He wanted to pace, to claw out his hair, to scream at the sky and the sun burning too brightly in his face. He walked away from the no trespassing sign as his vision blurred. “I used to work here, surely they would understand if I went looking for Hailey on my own.”
"The entire city of Merrimac has been covered twice," Caleb said. "They have covered the Nash Stream Forest to the best of anyone's ability. The Forestry Service and the Rangers have looked, and are on the lookout still, for anyone matching Hailey's description."
"It's not enough, Caleb. It's not enough!" Devon had to stop walking, to sit on the ground right where he'd stood, to catch his breath as another panic attack hit. He'd been having them with a great deal of regularity since his daughter had gone missing. He had faith she was alive, or so he tried to reassure himself. So where the fuck was she?
"I know, Devon. If there was something else we could do, I'd be first in line to do it." Vince sat next to Devon, and Caleb followed suit. They stared at the sign requesting all visitors come through the main entrance and not trespass on private lands.
"We should go back home, or to the police station, and regroup," Don said after giving Devon some time.
Since the others agreed, they piled in Don's car and headed to the police station. Devon paced, intending to be polite and wait for someone to help them, but after ten minutes he couldn't wait any longer. He strode out the lobby and down the hall, checking the nameplates on the doors until he found Sergeant Hurley. Throwing open the door, Devon ignored the way the other man abruptly stood at the intrusion.
"What the fuck have you found out about my daughter‽"
John took in the flushed face, the heaving chest as Devon forced air in and out of his lungs, the balled up fists, and the scowl. He put his hands up in a placating gesture but stayed where he was. "Mr. McMillan—"
"No!” Devon cut him off. “None of your cop-speak bullshit! Where is she?" he shouted. He gripped the edge of the sergeant's desk and pushed it as hard as he could, filled with petty satisfaction as several items toppled over. Any release of the pent-up rage he felt was good.
John took a deep breath. "You need to calm down if you want me to talk to you." He paused as Devon stood stock still and heaved out uneven breaths. "I just got off the phone with Simon Chatsworth, who gave us permission to search the mill’s property. I was about to inform Chief Hemsworth of my conversation with Mr. Chatsworth and then call you."
Devon tried to regulate his breathing. He tried, but he couldn't. Nothing was in his control anymore. The room spun around him as he hyperventilated, and John rushed around his desk to lead him to the floor as his knees buckled. "Just breathe for me, Devon."
John left him on the floor and went to his desk to call for help. It wouldn't take more than three minutes; the paramedics were next door. "Devon, is anyone with you?"
Devon couldn't answer. His lungs felt like they would explode at any second. Blackness encroached on his vision from the outer corners. Before he knew what was happening, someone was placing a mask on his face and he felt a cool rush of air. The pain in his chest lessened, but his head pounded and his vision clouded.
Don hovered in his vision when Devon next opened his eyes. He was on the floor of the sergeant's office, an oxygen mask on his face and sweat covering his clothes.
"You okay?"
He nodded. He didn't think he could speak. His father sat next to him and took his hand in his.
"Sergeant Hurley said we could use his office for now. He and Chief Hemsworth have gone to the mill as they said they would. I told the paramedics you didn't want to be transported; I hope that's okay."
Devon nodded.
"You had a panic attack; a big one. I authorized Valium." Don paused. "I don't like what this is doing to you, son. I wish I had the answers."
Devon felt tears well up in his eyes. He didn't want to worry his father. He didn't want to be a burden to his brother and his best friend. They were all worried about him, all putting their lives on hold because he couldn't get it together, and he hated it.
He pulled the mask off and dropped it to the ground. "I'm sorry."
"Don't be sorry. There's nothing I'd want you to do differently, except maybe get more sleep."
They fell silent as a paramedic came back into the room. She asked if she could take Devon's vitals again, and he let her.
His life was falling apart, and he couldn't do anything to stop it.
DEVON AND HIS FAMILY were allowed to join the search of the Chatsworth Mill and its surrounding land. The owner, Simon Chatsworth, met them at the building office.
“I'm sorry we couldn't give you permission to be here yesterday, gentlemen," he said. “I’m especially sorry to hear about your daughter, Devon.” Devon looked at the man’s wide, overly tanned face and deep-set eyes. It had been many years since he worked for him straight out of high school. “I was deep-sea diving, and it took a bit of a relay to reach the boat’s radio.”
"I appreciate it." Devon cleared his throat when the words came out in a grunt. "Where are Chief Hemsworth and Sergeant Hurley?"
"I believe they’re searching the outer edges of the woods surrounding the river. Chatsworth County Search and Rescue will be here within the hour. The police have already searched the public sections of the Ammonoosuc River extensively. We've passed out the fliers Merrimac PD sent us and asked around. Nobody remembers seeing her."
"Thank you for all you've already done, Mr. Chatsworth," Don spoke up. "We really appreciate it."
Simon nodded. “Would you like to meet up with the men and women from the police department?”
"Absolutely," Caleb spoke up.
"Let me have my son, Steve, show you where they are."
Devon was impatient to get moving, but in his sleep-deprived state, he realized he couldn't remember his way around. They waited inside for the tall young man in a police uniform that came to take them to the cliffs; Simon’s son was a police officer. They found Rebecca and John and a few officers walking through the trees in a spread-out line. Their heads were down, each of them on the lookout for disturbed soil or footprints.
"Have you found anything?" Vince called out. The other men stopped and looked up.
"Do me a favor and stay behind us, yeah?" John responded. "Don't track over the area we haven't covered."
"We haven't found anything," Chief Hemsworth answered the original question. "Then again, we just started. Search and Rescue will do their thing this afternoon and tonight. Perhaps they'll get lucky."
"They'll have the dogs?" Devon asked. He trusted the instinct of the dogs more than he did fallible humans.
"Yes, they will," Rebecca answered.
Devon nodded. There was a feeling in his chest, something other than what was there before. It was a squeezing pressure, and he gasped under the force of it. It felt like a grotesque sort of premonition and made him nauseous.
"Maybe you should rest while they do the search, Devon," Vince suggested. "I doubt you could be much help."
Devon was already shaking his head. "I have to help. I have to."
Don stepped up to him and put his hand on his shoulder. "Okay, but not for long, Devon. Seriously."
Devon tried to respond, but his mouth was desiccated. Too much alcohol from the night before combined with the sleeping pills and Valium, and he felt awful. Vince handed him a bottle of water and he drank the whole thing.
The four of them joined the line of officers, spreading out as they were instructed. Devon kept his head down and looked for any sign at all that could explain the hope to which he desperately clung. A footprint, big or small. Broken branches that appeared as though someone stepped on them.
Time passed slowly for Devon. He saw the sergeant out of the corner of his eye walking slowly and checking the ground. He felt terrible for breaking down in the man's office earlier, but he wasn't keen on apologizing out there. He tried to mull over some words he could say when they were finished for the day, but nothing came to him in particular. He stared at the dark forest floor as he walked until it blurred and he had to blink to clear his gaze and refocus. His father was right, of course. He was next to useless in his state of exhaustion and the resulting confusion. He was muddled in the head. The natural mulch from the pine needles and other bracken created a thick enough layer that, most of the time, there weren't any signs anyone had ever been through there. Devon blinked slowly and his eyelids almost refused to reopen. It was a primordial forest now, older than the earth. Older than the city of Merrimac. Older than the stars and the planets and the white spots which danced in his vision. When he tripped over a fallen log, he didn't even have the reflexes to catch himself. He merely ended up face-first in the fragrant ferns.
"Devon!" Caleb reached him first, Don shortly behind him. Everyone stopped what they were doing, noting the marks the men were inadvertently making on the ground as they rushed forward to help Devon to his feet. Rebecca repressed a sigh as she thought for the hundredth time that the father was actually making it harder for them to do their job.
"Time to go," Don insisted.
Devon blinked slowly as he looked at them, one on either side. He grinned stupidly at his brother. "Hey, Caleb."
"Hey, brother."
"I want to take a nap."
"That's the best idea you've had in two days."
Chapter Six
Caleb had to wake Devon up when they reached their parents' house. Though he debated carrying him straight to bed, he wanted to make sure he ate first. Their father stayed behind to continue the search with Vince and the officials, though he promised not to be too much longer. Caleb called Lori before they left the mill to make sure she would be okay without him for a few more hours, and she assured him that his mother was staying with her.
Though Devon walked like a drunkard toward the house, he made it inside on his own accord and sat in a kitchen chair much like the day before. Caleb dug through the fridge until he had the makings for sandwiches and then stood at the island counter and watched his brother.
"You gonna make it?"
Devon nodded, scrubbing his face roughly before getting up and grabbing two bottles of beer. Caleb's eyebrows went up into his hairline as Devon sat with both of them.
"And here I thought one of those was for me." Caleb slapped a piece of cheese onto the bread in front of him and closed the sandwich he'd made for Devon. He wasn't normally one to judge, especially not when it came to his older brother who he typically thought walked on water. Once upon a time, Devon had everything Caleb wanted: a devoted wife, a baby, a house, and a business of his own. He'd helped Caleb get a carpentry apprenticeship so he would know the ins and outs before they opened McMillan Brothers Woodworking. Caleb had never been made to feel like he was trailing along after Devon, even when that was exactly what he was doing. He would go to any l
imits for Devon, including mopping him up off the floor after he got piss-drunk.
"I heard the chief say they were going to set up a press conference tomorrow. You know, for national attention."
"So they can play off my grief for the greedy press? The way Kathy's parents suddenly wanted to become advocates after her death, only to throw money at one organization and then forget all about it?"
Caleb shrugged, not looking to open a new can of worms. He made a second sandwich and got himself a beer before setting the food on the table and joining his brother. They ate in silence, both staring out the bay window into the backyard. The sun was on its way down, painting the grass in the last golden rays of the day.
"It's night again," Devon commented right before swallowing the last of the first beer.
"It's only been a little over forty-eight hours."
"Forty-nine hours, thirty"—he glanced at his watch—"five minutes, and a handful of seconds." He bit down on the sandwich without actually tasting it.
"I know, Devon. I do. It doesn't matter if it's been thirty minutes or thirty days. It's too long."
There was silence between the brothers for a long time.
"I'm going to kill them."
Caleb froze with the beer bottle halfway to his mouth. He turned his head slowly to look at Devon, who was still staring blindly out the window. A dozen thoughts flung themselves through Caleb's head. Would he stop him? Could he blame him?
Would he help him?
He chose not to say anything as Devon twisted the cap off the second bottle of beer. They continued to eat in silence, a silence that slowly engulfed Devon like an evil entity. It crept, leisurely but steadily, from the edge of the white linoleum, toward the table and chairs, toward the pair of men trying to put one foot in front of the other under the enormous strain of what had happened.
"I can't keep doing this. This isn't living," Devon suddenly said. "You babysitting me because I can't keep my shit together, abandoning your pregnant wife for your pathetic excuse of a brother."