by Lara Norman
“Mom, have you heard when Dad will be back? I need to apologize to him for the way I spoke to him last night.”
Lydia smiled gently. “Honey, he feels awful for the way your conversation went. He simply wants you to take care of yourself.”
“Yeah, but I was a jerk. I know you two are helping the best way you know how. I appreciate it.”
“You’ll work it out.” She ran her hand through his hair, reminding him of the way she comforted him when he was a little guy. “Oh, I spoke to Lori earlier. I instructed Caleb to take her into the office this morning and have Summer check her vitals. Her blood pressure is high, and I’ve put her on bed rest. I’ll check on her on the way home today. Anna was going to stop by after school and keep her company until I get there.”
“Are you missing any appointments today while you’re here?” Devon asked.
“Carol agreed to take my appointments. If there’s a birth, she’ll page me and I’ll have to go. Right now, only Lori and Elle are far enough along they might need me.”
Devon hugged her again. “Thank you for being here instead. You’re the best mom.” He kissed her cheek and accepted the sandwich she held out. He didn't want to hurt her feelings, so he moved far enough away that she couldn't see him not eating.
As he sat on the far side of the parking lot at the picnic table he and Caleb built, he shivered in the cold. He’d been moving since sunup and hadn't really thought about the weather, but now that he was sitting still he noticed the temperature dropping. Tears dripped off his chin as he thought about Hailey for the millionth time. She would be cold. She would be hungry, thirsty, and scared. He hunched his shoulders and cried hard for her, covering his face with his callused hands.
“Mr. McMillan?”
The voice was soft and already recognizable. He wiped his face on his shoulder and looked up into Chloe’s kind brown eyes. “Yeah?”
Her brows pulled together when he met her gaze. “Everyone from this search party has finished for the day. The last of the searchers are heading back, and should be here any minute.” She paused while he stared blankly at her. “You need to rest. You’ve done your best today. You need to eat that sandwich you’re hiding from your mom, drink at least one bottle of water, and sleep. You won’t do anyone any good if you faint from exhaustion.”
He scoffed. “I’ve never fainted in my life,” he muttered.
“You’ve never been in this position before, either.”
She was right. He was being stubborn. “How can I let this go? How do I find the headspace to sleep and not think obsessively about her?”
Though he whispered, she heard him clearly. “You can get diphenhydramine from the drugstore. It’ll help you sleep.”
“Get what?”
“Benadryl. Or a PM-type medication.”
“Right. I guess.”
They sat in silence for several moments as Devon zoned out. Eventually, several search parties came through the tree line. Don, Vince, and Caleb came over to Devon immediately.
Caleb sat heavily next to Devon. “There’ve been no signs of Hailey, or of anybody camping or hiding out with her. We came across a couple sets of campers, but the officers interviewed them and they aren’t involved.”
“Sorry, Devon,” Vince interjected. “We found nothing in our sector, either.”
Don sat on the other side of Chloe and eyed her with curiosity. “Don’t I know you?”
“Yes. I’m a dispatcher and the chief’s daughter.”
“That’s right,” Don said. “I did a piece on taxpayer funding for the City of Merrimac public servants.”
Chloe smiled. “I remember. It got us more money from the county.”
Don smiled back before looking past her to his son. “Devon, your mother got you something to help you sleep. I think you should come home with us and try to recuperate.”
Devon repressed the sigh that threatened. He hated being coddled, but he reminded himself they were looking out for his best interests. He nodded instead of saying what was on the tip of his tongue. Don smiled and got up to say goodbye to Lydia before heading off to his car.
Devon slowly stood and trudged after his father. Caleb and Vince followed, hugging him before he got in the car. “Hey, Caleb, keep me updated on Lori, will you?”
“I will, brother.” Caleb gave him one last slap to the back before moving on to his own truck.
“Thanks for helping,” Devon said to Vince. “And say hi to Anna for me. I heard she was keeping Lori company this afternoon.”
“Yeah, she went over when school was out. I’ll see you tomorrow, Devon,” Vince said.
“Yeah.”
He had nothing else to give anyone at the moment. He felt like the bottom was going to drop out at any second so he lowered himself heavily into his father’s old car. Don talked the whole way back to the house, but Devon couldn't focus. His mind drifted back to a time when Kathy was alive.
“I’m pregnant, Devon. You’re going to be a father.”
His eyes filled with tears as she said the words he’d longed to hear. “You’re sure?”
She nodded, brushing away her own tears. “I took a home test and then immediately called Lydia.”
“Oh, my God.” He moved closer to her, hugging her carefully and pulling back with his hands on her arms. “How do you feel?”
“Right now, emotional. Mostly, I feel great though.”
He kneeled, his hands on her belly. He’d made a life with the woman he loved and he was in awe. “I’m so happy, Kathy.” He laughed and stood. “You've made me the happiest man on earth.”
He kissed her softly, holding her face in his hands and—
“Devon? We’re here.”
He jumped in surprise. Don was shaking his shoulder. He wasn't with Kathy. She was gone, and so was his Hailey. He groaned. “Oh God.”
“Are you feeling well?”
He could only shake his head. What a stupid question, he wanted to scream. He yanked on the door handle and fell out of the car, crouched and panting on the pavement of the driveway. Don hurried around the hood and squatted to help his son stand.
“Let’s get in the house and you can lie down.”
It took longer than usual for Devon to make it inside. He stumbled several times, leaning on his father for support the entire way. It wasn't until his stomach growled that he realized he’d left the sandwich on the picnic table. He sat on one of the chairs at the kitchen table and breathed deeply for a minute while Don hovered.
“Can you heat a can of soup for me?”
He looked up at his father, his head heavy and his neck stiff. He felt tears building again and blinked fast.
“Of course, just give me a minute.”
Devon laid his head on the table as Don moved around the kitchen. With his eyes squeezed closed he listened to the sound of the cupboard doors and the microwave. He tried to focus on that and not on the crushing weight pressing down on his chest. He tried to breathe and not focus on the feeling of suffocation threatening to pull him under. If that was what drowning was like, it was a horrible way to go.
“Here, Devon. Please eat.”
The scent of the broth filled his nostrils, and his mouth actually watered. He tried to think of when he’d last eaten, but he wasn't sure. Sometimes he missed lunch if he hit a groove at work. When he picked his head up, it spun, and he held it still with both hands. The feeling passed, and he opened his eyes to be met with the concerned gaze of his dad sitting across the table from him.
He scooped up some broth first to test his stomach. It might as well have been the finest steak made by a celebrity chef. The warmth felt soothing as it slid down his throat.
“Is it okay? It’s not too hot?”
“It’s perfect, Dad. Thanks.”
Don visibly relaxed, his shoulders dropping and his hands falling to his lap. “Great. Do you want crackers?”
Devon shook his head. “This is fine. I know I need fluids as much as food.”
“She said she had drugs.”
Don smirked. “You know she hates when you use that term.”
Rolling his eyes, Devon amended his choice of words. “A bottle of necessary prescription medication, then.”
“Yes, to help you sleep.”
“Good luck with that.”
“There's nothing you can do right now, anyway. You might as well sleep.”
Devon was shaking his head before his father even finished speaking. “I can’t close my eyes without seeing them. Kathy and Hailey. It’s too painful.”
Don leaned forward, his elbows on the table. “Hailey is still alive, Devon. You must believe that.”
“You don't know that!” Devon dropped his spoon in the bowl with a clatter. “There’s no way to know.”
“It’s not what I know. It’s faith that she’s out there somewhere waiting to be found and that she’s okay.” Tears streaked down Don’s face, and Devon started crying, too. “I can’t think of it any other way, son. It wasn't just you that lost Kathy. It’s not just you missing Hailey, worrying about her. It’s not the same, I know. You feel it more keenly; it’s more devastating to you. But they’re my family, too.”
Lydia walked into the house to find her husband and her oldest son hugging. They both had tears on their faces, and she took a deep breath before setting her things down and putting her arms around them both. The only thing she knew to do was pray for the strength to keep her family together.
Chapter Four
Though Devon took the prescription sleeping pills, his mind wouldn't shut down. He tried to breathe slowly and deeply, to focus on the meditation Kathy once taught him before giving up in frustration, but it didn't work. Vague pictures tried to form in his head of a shadowy figure snatching Hailey. His daughter was screaming for him, reaching out in desperation. Forcing his leaden eyelids to open, he sat up, his hands shaking as they scrubbed through his hair. He looked around his old room, the one his parents had made into a guest room. The pale blue walls should hold a sense of comfort and familiarity, but all he felt was cold.
He went downstairs, realizing as he passed the grandfather clock in the hall how late it was. He'd been laying in bed for hours attempting to force himself to sleep. Heading for the fridge, he dug out three bottles of beer and sat at the kitchen table with them. For the longest time, he just stared at them, reading every word on the labels. He knew he shouldn’t mix alcohol with sedatives, but he needed the relief of oblivion. Without it, he was turning into a zombie. Hailey's face stayed right there in his vision, blocking everything else until he crumpled under the impenetrable waves. He was drowning again, only now he welcomed it. He wanted to see nothing, to hear nothing, to feel nothing but numbness.
Twisting off the first cap, he swallowed half the bottle. The spinning in his head forced his eyes closed until he didn't feel like he would vomit. Tipping the bottle back again, he drained it in two long gulps. He set that one down and went for the second, drinking it as quickly as he was capable. His stomach churned violently, but the liquid stayed down. He stared blankly out the back windows, not seeing the white curtains tied back on either side. He didn't notice the moon glowing in the distance or the fact he was sitting in complete darkness. He didn't feel his headache or his sorrow quite so intensely anymore, so he opened the third beer. When that bottle sat empty beside the others, he blinked several times, but Hailey was still there. Her face hovered just behind his vision, taunting him with what he was trying so desperately to forget.
Stumbling as he stood up, he knocked over the kitchen chair. Typically, his father had stronger liquor in the house which he decided to search out. His footfalls were loud in his ears and he tried to shush them, but it didn't work. He leaned against the wall for support, sliding his shoulder along it as he walked to Don's home office. Most of his father's work was done from home, though he had to show his face at the newspaper once a week. Devon bumped into the desk as he passed it, sending a picture frame toppling. Hailey's crying intensified in his ears, and he held his palms tightly over them to block it out.
When Don rushed into his office, he found Devon on the floor in front of the bookshelf, holding a bottle of tequila and screaming. "Devon!"
Don rushed forward, kneeling next to him and trying to take the bottle from his hands to calm him down. The noise of the falling chair had woken him, and though he was sure it was Devon, he'd been cautious on his way down the stairs to check. He'd been standing in the kitchen after righting the chair when the screaming started.
"Make it stop! Make it stop!"
"Devon, for God's sake!"
He sat there helplessly as Devon screamed incoherently. He wouldn't let the bottle go and even took another drink while Don watched. Devon kept his eyes closed, tears streaming down his face and staining his gray t-shirt. Not knowing what else to do, Don wrapped his arms around his child the best he could. He broke down at the sight of Devon falling apart until his sobs shook them both.
Lydia rushed into the room and took in the sight on the floor. The room was a wreck from Devon's hasty search for more alcohol, and once again her husband and son were hugging each other and crying.
"Devon, you really shouldn't have mixed tequila with what I gave you."
Her reproach fell on deaf ears. Sighing, she sat on the floor at Devon's other side and leaned her head on his shoulder. Don looked over at her, his face twisted into an expression of agony. Devon had at least stopped screaming, but he was still crying and hiccuping sighs. Don left his arm draped over Devon's shoulder but shifted so he sat similarly to Lydia. The three of them remained on the floor of the office until Devon drifted off to sleep.
Once she was sure he was unconscious, Lydia got up and retrieved a blanket from the living room. When she returned, Don was standing and looking down at their son.
"I don't know how to fix this, Lyd."
"I don't, either. I wish we'd found her today. I wish she'd never wandered out of the office."
"Me, too." He kissed the side of Lydia's head. "I'll stay here with him. You go back to bed."
She nodded, leaning into his body for the strength she was severely lacking just then. "I love you, Don."
"I love you, too, Lyd. Try to sleep." He hugged her tightly before watching her leave the room. Straightening the papers and the silver frame Devon had knocked over, he felt his chest constrict at the sight of Devon, Kathy, and Hailey on the day his granddaughter was born. Their happiness had been limited, it seemed. Don felt anger surge through him at the unfairness of Devon losing his daughter after suffering through Kathy's death. His grip tightened on the corner of the frame before he set it down gently. Breaking things would get him nowhere.
Sitting at his desk, he turned his computer on. With bleary eyes, he squinted at the article that had run in the paper that morning. It was a description of the missing girl and her last known location. There was a bit about her age and grade and the name of her school before it asked anyone with information to call the Merrimac Police Department's tip hotline. He studied the picture they'd used; she was at their house, but he couldn't remember exactly what for. She had Kathy's blue eyes and light brown hair, which had gotten long enough for Devon to learn to braid it. It took a few barrettes to hold back the shorter pieces of hair, but he'd done a good job overall.
Don was glad Devon was finally sleeping. He was so devoted to Hailey; several steps beyond being a great dad. He constantly said it was Hailey that saved him after they lost Kathy. She'd gotten him out of bed in the mornings, gotten him to focus outside himself and on the baby girl who needed him. She'd been his reason for living in a time when he didn't think he could stand to put one foot in front of the o
ther anymore.
Hailey had been the salve over his mortal wounds, and now they were again ripped open and bleeding profusely.
Don himself had spent plenty of time crying the past day and a half. He loved Hailey fiercely. He loved the baby Lori was carrying. He loved Lori as he'd loved Kathy. It was how he was built, and he wasn't ashamed of it. He was the nurturer in his family—not that Lydia wasn't nurturing, but Don was more so. He could see himself in Devon, and Lydia in Caleb. Loyalty and love were the fundamental elements in his family, and he was proud he'd helped raise the boys into strong and compassionate men.
When he couldn't keep his eyes open any longer, Don stretched out on the floor near Devon after grabbing a throw pillow and another blanket to use as his makeshift bed. Intuitively, he knew Devon would be miserable when he finally woke and hoped his son had the chance to sleep for a long time. It was clear he needed it.
He was woken in the morning not by Devon but by Caleb. His younger son had come to see if he could help, and after situating Lori in the living room, he'd gone in search of his father and brother. Lydia was already at the office and had seen Lori; thankfully, her blood pressure was lower, but Lydia was still concerned enough to keep Lori off her feet. She was full term in another week, and his mother just wanted the baby to stay put for a few more days at least.
"Dad."
Don opened his eyes to see Caleb peering down at him. Sitting up with caution, he discovered he was stiff and sore. Glancing over at Devon, he saw his head dropped off to the side and his breathing noisy. He motioned to Caleb to go ahead and leave the room, and then he followed slowly.
They met in the kitchen, Caleb pulling out the coffee pot and setting it up to brew. "What the hell are you two doing in there?"
"It was a terrible night."
"I can tell."
Caleb left the room once the coffee was brewing and brought Lori into the kitchen. He carried her through and set her in a chair, her cheeks flushed and her lips in a tight line.