by Lara Norman
John took a sip of his drink and leaned against the counter. “How are things?”
Devon shrugged. He didn’t actually want to talk to anybody, but he put on his friendly mask, anyway. “Fine, I guess. I’m glad Christmas is over.”
“I’m glad the shopping and spending money is over. Hailey’s getting better, yeah?”
Devon looked at the floor when he responded. “She’s great.”
“And you?”
How could he explain the clawing, the itching, the monster growing in his gut and demanding retribution? There were no words to describe the hate consuming him. The pale peach walls closed in around him until he had to get outside to breathe.
He walked out abruptly, shoving open the back door and leaving John standing there. He gulped in the air, bent over and ran the cold can over his forehead. He inhaled, letting the bitter wind scrape his throat and prick his lungs. Anything was better than the blood boiling through his veins.
A noise behind him caused him to spin, coming face to face with Chloe. It felt like forever since he’d seen her. He stared at her, wondering what evil reflected at her from his face.
“Devon,” she said in greeting. “I saw Lori and Caleb in the living room, but they didn’t know where you’d gone.”
“You found me,” he said in a voice gone hoarse.
“I like the chill in the air sometimes. It feels good after being closed in with so many people.”
Her gaze never wavered; it remained steady on his face as Devon sweated in the freezing temperatures. He quaked, his body’s reaction to the panic attack just ebbing, and took more deep breaths. “Why?” One of her brows quirked up, and he hurried to explain. “Why are you out here with me instead of enjoying the party?”
“I already told you why.”
He shook his head. “You made up a reason.” His voice vibrated along with his muscles. “I don’t believe you.”
“Well, I hate to break it to you, but I do not prevaricate. Speaking of which, you look like shit. We should go in so you can sit down and warm up.”
With a grunt, he walked past her into the house. He opened the beer he held and drank deeply, fishing out a new one from the cooler on the counter. He opened it and drank, hearing Chloe come in behind him. She kept going into the front part of the house. If he’d been capable of guilt, he might have dredged some up for the way he acted, but . . . too late.
He brought his beer when he joined the others. There were plenty of people he recognized and a few he didn’t. Choosing a chair in the corner of the room, he sat near to those talking but not right next to anyone. He shivered, belatedly realizing he’d spent too long outside. The men nearest him spoke of a remodel one was doing, and Devon pretended he’d come to be social. They spoke at length about the type of wood and the materials for the kitchen cabinets. Devon hated the man for doing it himself but kept quiet about his opinion.
As people shifted, lingered, moved on, and came back, Devon remained solidly rooted to his chair. It left him alone more often than not, and he enjoyed the solitude when he had the chance. The murmur of voices tended to be low with an occasional bout of laughter. Midnight drew nearer, and he watched Lori and Caleb become closer friends with John and Alicia. He got up when his drink was empty, bringing more than one when he returned and tucking them next to his hip so they couldn't be seen easily.
After some time, Chloe sat beside him. Her scent was subtle, but he recognized it without looking up. “I’m leaving.”
She angled her body so she could face him. “It’s not midnight yet. Don’t you want to ring in the new year?”
“No, I mean . . . I’m getting the hell out of Merrimac.” Leaning back, he closed his eyes and pretended it wasn't because he couldn't meet her focused gaze.
“Where will you go?”
“Any-fucking-where.” He paused while his brain turned over the ideas he’d kept to himself. “I have nothing left. Business is going down in flames, friends are even worse. No one needs me.”
“No one?” she said sharply. He opened his eyes and tried to focus on her. Her hair was up. Some kind of braided thing. He preferred it down. “Hailey needs you. Your parents need you; Caleb needs you.”
Devon waved a hand to negate her words. “Pfft.”
“You can't be serious with this shit, Devon. Tell me it’s the alcohol talking.”
“Nope. It’s been festering for a long while now.”
“It’s the stupidest idea I’ve ever heard.” Chloe leaned toward him, her forearms on her knees. “You can’t leave town without your daughter.”
“Look,” he mumbled. He cleared his throat and tried for a more authoritative tone. “Look. It would be best if they started over without me.”
“No.” Her glare deepened. “Hey,” she snapped her fingers when his eyes drifted closed. “Not only are you cut off, but we are going to have a serious talk about this when you’re sober.”
“Don’t wanna.”
“Unbelievable,” she said. “You need to go to therapy, as I’ve mentioned more than once. You need to remember you are what your daughter needs, even when you’re fucked up. More, she needs you healed so she can heal.”
His laugh sounded bitter. Someone turned their way and then back. “Hailey needs me to go far away where I can’t hurt her anymore.”
She stood. “Fucking coward.”
Now she had his attention. “The fuck does that mean?”
“Just that.” Chloe walked off, leaving Devon with the distinct impression he’d disappointed her. Wouldn't be the first time or the first person.
“What the hell was that, brother?”
Devon craned his neck to look up at Caleb. “I guess I said a few things she didn't like.”
“You need to get your drinking under control. It’s not cool.”
He knew things were bad if he’d pissed Caleb off. “I won’t have any more, okay?”
Caleb watched him for another few seconds before leaving him to stand with Lori. Someone turned the television on to hear the hyping of the countdown.
Devon wanted a stiff drink, but he went to the kitchen for a bottle of water instead. He didn't need to see all the couples kissing at midnight. He felt a stir of nausea and tamped it down. Water would help.
Just as he finished the bottle, Chloe came in. He watched her warily, thinking she would lay into him again. He didn’t appreciate being called a coward for trying to do what he thought was right. The other party goers could be heard shouting in the background as Chloe came to a stop in front of him.
“5!”
“I apologize,” she said.
“4!”
“No, I do,” he said.
“3!”
She shook her head but said nothing else.
“2!”
He picked up a second bottle of water and waited for something to happen.
“1! Happy New Year!” Paper horns could be heard blaring above the shouts.
Without speaking, Devon and Chloe stared at each other with a foot of distance between them. Suddenly, she took her purse off the kitchen counter near his elbow and headed to the doorway. Inexplicably, he felt the sting of tears.
“Happy New Year, Devon,” she said before she disappeared.
He stood there until Lori came into the room. “Are you okay?”
He blinked. “Yes.”
Her brows went up. “It doesn’t look like it.”
“Beer,” he said in explanation.
“Oh, so you’re drunk. Ready to sleep it off?”
“Definitely.”
He followed Lori to the foyer, spotting Alicia and Chloe talking quietly. The latter slipped out the door and the former turned to her guests.
“Thank you for coming!” She held her arms out, and Lori hugged her. Devon nodded and said goodbye before going out into the dark yard.
He saw Chloe's car stop and the back lights change from white to red. She drove away as he stood there like an idiot. The hole in his chest w
idened, enveloping him. He really needed to go home, to sleep off whatever the hell just happened.
“Devon?”
“Yeah, Caleb?”
“Let’s go.”
He climbed in the back of Lori’s car and looked out the window the entire way back to his parents’ house. Instead of an excuse to get drunk, the party had only served to unsettle him.
Chapter Seventeen
Don took Hailey to spend her Christmas money, and Devon refused to sit around waiting for the Keystones to grace them all with their presence the following day. He’d always hated them, a feeling which had only built in the years since Kathy died. They blamed Devon for Kathy’s death, as though he’d done anything but drive her home from a dinner date. They rarely saw Hailey, but had no problem telling him he was a shitty father. There was nothing but arguing, the blame-game, and misery when they visited.
So, needless to say, no one was looking forward to them actually coming. It pissed Devon off that they hadn't been invested enough in their granddaughter’s well being to come when she went missing. His own parents had set their lives aside to do everything, to be there every second and give what they had to help. To him, that was a given when family was involved. That had been Kathy’s way; clearly, she didn’t inherit it from her parents.
Devon drove to his brother’s house, a little surprised to see two cars in the driveway when he pulled up. Caleb just told him to come over and not wallow at home alone. He didn't say he was having people over, something Devon wasn't in a state of mind to deal with at the moment. He didn't bother with knocking or ringing the doorbell; the McMillan family had an open-door policy, especially when they were expecting someone. What greeted him when he walked in shocked him further: feminine laughter from the direction of the living room. He immediately recognized Chloe’s laugh, and he blushed. It was deep, smoky, as if she needed to clear her throat. Pausing in the entryway, he almost bolted, but Caleb came down the stairs with Maisie in his arms and Devon knew he couldn't bail after he had caught him standing there.
“Devon!” Caleb came at him with one arm extended, hugging him from the side.
“Hey, Caleb.” Maisie looked up at her uncle when he responded, so he spoke to her next. “And hello, Princess Maisie.”
“I was just changing her and bringing her back to Lori. Come on, everyone’s in the living room.”
Devon followed his brother with reluctance. He didn't want to see anyone after his conversation with Chloe at the Hurleys’ party. It surprised him to realize Chloe hadn’t told anyone what he was planning. He hadn't had the balls to tell anyone either, but he’d expected her to alert them all of the fact he was crazy.
The other voice he’d heard when he arrived belonged to Alicia. She and Chloe sat on the couch while Lori sat on the loveseat. Devon wasn't surprised when Caleb sat with his wife, leaving him to sit alone in one of the armchairs.
“That’s much better, isn’t it, baby girl?” Lori cooed at Maisie as she took her from Caleb. She received a waving of the arms and nothing else. “Devon, when will she start smiling?”
“What?” He wasn't really paying attention, and he was surprised to hear his name.
“What month do babies smile for real? Three?”
When four pairs of eyes landed on him, he shifted in his seat. “No, she’ll give you smiles that are supposedly a reflex now. Then she’ll give you a genuine smile at about six weeks. Sometimes it’s later than that, though.”
“See?” Lori said to Caleb. “I told you that smile she gave you was relief from getting out that gas.”
“You’re just jealous she smiled at me and not you,” Caleb retorted.
Lori snorted. “You’re just proud your daughter makes so much noise when she farts.”
“This is true.”
“So, Devon,” Alicia said after a few moments of everyone staring at the baby. “I hear your in-laws are coming tomorrow.”
“If you can still call them that. Yes, they are.”
“You can call them Hailey’s grandparents,” Chloe suggested. “They aren’t related to you anymore, only her.”
He waited for the sting to come after the reminder of Kathy’s death, but nothing happened. “I think that’s more appropriate. Though they don’t even acknowledge her as much as grandparents should.”
“Yeah, John said they didn't even come to Washington. He had them on his list to question, expecting them to show up. Instead, he had to call them.”
“I didn't even know he had,” Devon said to Alicia.
“I heard Don informed them of her disappearance,” Alicia said with a shake of her head. “I doubt you want to know what sort of things they had to say to John about the case.”
“I wouldn't even be surprised at this point, Alicia. They still blame me for Kathy’s death, and we were hit by a drunk driver. There was nothing I could have done.”
“And I bet they told John to look at you as a suspect, didn't they?” Lori said bitterly. It was no secret she had never been fond of them after the way they distanced themselves from her best friend for her choice of husband. Added to that was the fact that she and Devon were practically siblings, and that equaled her hatred of them.
Devon grimaced. “Probably.”
“So why are they coming now?” Caleb asked. “Now that she’s doing so well and only has another month of therapy? To pretend to be magnanimous and shower her with fake love and attention she doesn’t want?”
“So they can pretend they care?” Devon suggested. “Because someone pointed out how awful it looks to not have come sooner? Because Hailey’s case has made national news?”
“They don’t sound very empathetic,” Chloe murmured.
“No.” Devon sat forward. “They never have been. They didn't want Kathy to marry me because I didn’t mooch off my parents. They wanted her set for life with a rich husband, no matter how she felt.”
“That’s cold,” Chloe said.
Devon barely noticed when Alicia got up. “Extremely. And then they moved away just before we married, hoping to force her to come along. It didn't work. She moved in with me, and we married without her parents attending.”
“Is that how it always was, then? They weren’t part of her life or yours after that?” Chloe asked.
“Exactly.” Devon leaned back again and realized they were alone. He hadn't seen the others leave.
Chloe leaned forward until she was directly in Devon’s line of sight. “So they don’t care about Hailey very much, then, do they?”
“They send the obligatory birthday and Christmas cards, but that’s it. Hailey doesn’t care for them very much, either,” he said with humor.
“She’s a smart kid.”
“She is.”
“Does she remember Kathy?”
Devon sat silently for a few long moments as he thought of his answer. He expected to feel pain, as he thought he would when they began the discussion, but he felt nothing but a fond remembrance. “She has a photo album on her nightstand we look at all the time. In the early years, I feared there would be no way Hailey could remember Kathy as she’d known her. Since she was so young, there would be no sense memories, you know? She can’t recall the smell of her perfume or the feel of her arms around her.”
Chloe nodded, her chin in her hand as she rested her elbow on her knee.
“I could still smell Kathy’s perfume, hear her laugh, and feel her hand in mine. All I could give Hailey was one-dimensional paper. So I held the pictures up for her and talked about her mom. I told her stories about us in place of fairy tales at bedtime. How we met at school, how hard Kathy and I worked for our first house. How much Kathy loved life. She and Lori were very close, so it was hard for more than just me. We all talked about Kathy as if she was on an extended trip in order to keep her in Hailey’s life.”
“And does she ask about her now? Does she know how much Kathy loved her?” Chloe asked with genuine interest.
“I believe Hailey missed her mother most
at important times in her life. When she had a birthday and there was no mom. When Mother’s Day rolls around and we celebrate my mom instead of Kathy. We go to the cemetery and talk to her, but it’s not the same, of course. The most painful goodbyes are the ones never said out loud. Hailey was too young to say goodbye to her mother.” When Devon finished talking, he crossed his arms over his chest. He hadn't meant to say so much about Kathy, but he found Chloe so easy to talk with.
“You’ve had to work hard to be both parents at once,” Chloe said with tears in her eyes. “Trying to be everything for everybody is bound to sap your strength, eventually.”
He looked away from her show of emotion. “Maybe it has.”
“And now you’re so tired, so beat down, and trying hard to recover from what happened, you’re closing off. You have to do something to save yourself, but you don’t even see your family is there to save you if you’ll let them.”
He snapped his gaze back to hers. “They’ve already saved me so much, Chloe.” He held up his hand when she shook her head and looked as though she was about to speak. “I know you think that’s what they want to do, but I can’t bring them down to my level when I’m this fucked up.”
“Then let them bring you up to their level. That’s what they want, what they deserve as the people who love you.”
“I’m in too much pain to feel love anymore.” As he said the words, the hurt and confusion he’d been trying to push away came to the surface. It was too much loneliness and fear to put on other people’s plates.
“We're created to be loved, Devon. Humans can't live without it.” Her eyes were as gentle as her words, and he couldn't bear the way she put herself out there. She was so open, so raw and real, and he didn't deserve that type of person in his life.
So he spoke defensively. “Are you a shrink now?”
“Nope.” She sat up and crossed her arms. “Just seeing a different perspective than you are.”
“So you think Caleb and Lori don’t have enough to worry about right now? The shop was closed for so long, we’re struggling to get any clients back. They have a savings account, but they both worked there. That means no income with a newborn infant. You want me to unburden myself on them? That’s the worst type of selfish.”