by Lara Norman
Chloe made a disgruntled sound. “Only because you refuse to see a qualified professional.”
“Why do I need a professional to tell me I’m fucked up?” he snapped. “It’s already obvious.”
“That’s not what they’re for, Devon. You really think it’s all about diagnosis and not about treatment?” She shifted like she was going to stand and Devon felt a sense of panic run through him.
“Don’t go. I want to talk it out.”
Chloe raised her eyebrows. “I wasn't going anywhere. I was getting comfortable.”
His face flamed and he looked at his lap. “I’ll go to a freaking shrink if you think that’s what’s best for Hailey. I just have to get through the visit with the Keystones first.”
She waited a beat before replying. “I’m impressed. Why did you change your mind?”
Shaking his head, he met her gaze. “I don't know, maybe because you really know how to beat a dead horse.”
“It clearly wasn't dead, and I wasn't beating anything.” She shrugged. “I simply want you to be happy so Hailey can be happy.”
“You're altruistic, then.”
“What can I say, my family are all public servants. It’s in the blood.” She stood then, but she didn’t leave him. “I think the others went to the kitchen. Should we join them?”
“Uh, yeah.” Devon stood, too, but he was reluctant to stop talking to Chloe. Something about her settled him and made him feel better about life.
The others were eating cheese and crackers. Devon saw Maisie was asleep in an automatic swing off to the side of the bay windows. It looked like a scene of domestic bliss, but Devon could only see the worry over unpaid bills because of a lack of work at the shop for him and Caleb. He could see the potential for fights over money, or who was working harder. He only saw the bad in the good, and that wasn’t like him at all.
Obviously, something had to give, but somehow, it all felt too monumental to deal with.
“Devon, you want some?”
He looked up at Lori’s face, smiling as she offered him a plate of fruit. He could pretend for her sake, even if it killed him. He accepted a small bunch of grapes, automatically seeking Chloe. He found her at the table with Alicia, so he propped a hip on the edge of it so he could be within her radius of warmth.
He didn't notice the way Caleb watched his every move and analyzed the hell out of it.
Chapter Eighteen
Devon made sure to clean every nook and cranny of his parents’ house before the Keystones arrived, knowing they would inevitably find something not up to their standards. He didn't parent correctly, keep house correctly, have a reliable job, on and on. There was never a time they liked him or approved of him. If he hadn't had the upbringing he had, with parents who praised him for hard work and achievements, he would have major self-esteem issues after spending any time with his in-laws. Anyone would struggle with self-esteem issues after a visit with them.
Like a kid dreading shots, he watched the seconds slip by on the clock. The stone in his gut grew until it filled the back of his throat, making him swallow convulsively. Hailey waited next to the couch in her wheelchair, eager as any of them for the visit to be over. Caleb and Lori were in the kitchen with Maisie, offering emotional support while not intruding. Lydia and Don waited in the living room with them; since it was their house, they figured they had the right to be there.
Devon realized all the McMillans treated this visit as the equivalent to facing a firing squad.
The doorbell rang, and Lydia moved to answer it. Everyone in the room saw the schooling of her features; she put on her professional face and opened the door. “Jude, Gloria. Please, come in.”
She wasn’t happy to see them and Devon was glad she didn’t say so.
“Dr. McMillan, how lovely to see you again.” Gloria stepped inside and Devon smelled her perfume from across the room.
“Hailey.” Jude walked to his granddaughter first and kneeled by her chair.
She looked up at him with solemn eyes. “Grandpa Jude.”
With horror, Devon realized he was on the verge of tears. He hated how they were so uptight and unreachable. He hated the way they treated their own granddaughter. Blinking profusely, he hoped the tears wouldn’t fall.
Gloria trailed dutifully to Hailey’s side and patted her on the shoulder. “Still in a wheelchair?”
She said it as if it was another of Devon’s failings. Lydia spoke up before Devon could. “Hailey has another two weeks of therapy before she’ll be out of the chair. She can walk assisted now, but we don’t want to rush anything and risk re-injuring her hip.”
“Oh, of course.” Devon knew Gloria idolized his mother. Anything she said, unless it was in Devon’s defense, was gospel.
Jude straightened to his full height, his gaze on his son-in-law. “And your friend did this to her?”
Devon felt his face from the inside. It morphed, drawing down, and grew hot. “He was our friend, yes.”
“He claims it was an accident,” Don intervened. “We don’t know what his mental state is, but it appears he has been harboring some awful psychosis that no one caught onto.”
“Including his wife and his physician,” Lydia added.
It was obvious to Devon they were trying to cut the blame game off at the knees. He wondered if it would work.
“Please, have a seat,” Don invited with a gesture of his hand.
The Keystones sat, looked around the room, and avoided eye contact.
“Would either of you like a drink?” Devon offered with reluctance.
“Oh, no, we can’t stay long,” Gloria replied. “Jude has a conference in town this evening.”
That answered all of Devon’s questions right there. “Sounds fascinating.”
“Yes, quite,” Jude started, and Devon tuned him out. He had no interest in hearing about the man’s next business venture.
As Jude talked, Devon let his mind drift. It seemed inevitable it should find its way to Chloe. She’d given him plenty to think about the last few times he’d seen her. He was still on the fence about therapy, but he recognized she was right about plenty. He couldn't leave town and abandon Hailey after all she’d been through, and he had to stop blaming himself. His father was right about Vince, but it was a bitter pill to swallow. They’d been as close as brothers, and Devon had never suspected a thing. If he looked back, with the clarity only hindsight could bring, he realized there had always been something a little off about his friend. He’d trailed after Devon, trying to be in his shadow since high school. Devon thought of it as the sign of their deep friendship at the time, but he wondered if there was more to it. Vince never could be wrong about anything. They would fight about the oddest things because the resolution was for Vince to admit he had made a mistake.
“So we thought we’d come by while we were already in this area.” Gloria sat back as she summed up everything Jude had just told them.
“Oh, you can’t stay for dinner, then?” Lydia said in a voice gone sickly sweet.
“No, I’m afraid not. We wanted to see little Hailey with our own two eyes to be certain she was on the mend.” Gloria shot a glare at Devon which made it clear she thought he was somehow doing something wrong. It didn't matter what, it just mattered that it was his fault.
“Too bad.” So sad. “Mom is making her famous remoulade. Shall we walk you out?” Devon asked with much glee.
“I don’t believe that’s necessary,” Jude told him.
“Goodbye, Grandpa Jude and Grandma Gloria,” Hailey said in her best imitation of the queen—or maybe it was her imitation of Gloria.
Lydia and Don rose and saw the Keystones to the door, while Devon went to Hailey’s side and kneeled.
“I’m so proud of you, bug.”
She wrinkled her nose. “For what, Daddy?”
“Not letting trolls get the best of you.” He grinned, and she giggled.
“I don’t like them,” she whispered, though they were ou
tside by that point.
“It’s okay not to like them, sweetpea. They loved your mother very much, and they didn't want to give her up. I suppose that’s why they’ve never really liked me. I’m just sorry it rubs off on you.” He gave her a kiss on the forehead and watched her blink become sluggish. “How about a nap before dinner?” he suggested.
“Will you stay with me?”
How could he resist that little face? “You can sleep in my bed and I’ll lay down with you until you fall asleep, okay?”
She nodded, and he picked her up and carried her up the stairs. How could he have considered leaving this light behind? He felt the familiar guilt wash over him, but this time he knew he deserved it for the thoughts he’d been having. He still wanted to run, to avoid his problems and find oblivion where he didn't have to be reminded of everything that had gone wrong. But he knew he wouldn't act on it. Hailey was his light, his sun, his entire world. He would focus on her, on her strength through the tough times, and he would be the best father he could. Even if he thought he failed more often than not.
“Daddy?” she asked around a yawn.
“Yes, bug?” He set her on the bed and let her shift around and get comfortable before stretching out next to her.
“Are you and I going to be together forever?”
And just like that, she knocked the wind right out of him. “Why do you ask?”
She blinked up at him and moved her head so it rested on his outstretched arm. “Because Mommy left us, and I almost left you.”
He stared at the wall behind her head and refused to cry. He locked down the emotions and made his best effort to remain neutral. “There’s no way to know for sure, baby. It’s not up to us. Didn’t we learn after Mommy went to heaven that we have to love each other as hard as we can and always say I love you?”
“Even if we’re mad,” she recited.
“That’s right.”
“So if I don’t love Grandma and Grandpa Keystone, does that mean I’ve been bad? Will God be mad at me for not saying I love you?”
He tightened his arm around her so she curled into his side. Breathing came a little harder now. “Nobody will be mad at you for not loving every single person, but you do have to be respectful. That’s good manners. It has nothing to do with whether someone will go to heaven.” All those years later, and he still couldn't bring himself to say the word die.
“So I won’t go away because I was bad?” Her voice was tiny and unsure.
His heart lodged in his throat. He swallowed around it. “No, Hailey, that’s not how it works.”
“I wish I could pick when I went to heaven. I’d stay with you always.”
“If that was how it worked, Mommy would still be with us.” And our lives would be completely different.
Hailey didn't say anything else, and not long after, her breathing changed. Devon wanted to get up and find the rest of his family, but he didn't want to disturb her. She still tired out in the afternoons, but her naps were shorter. Finally, he went ahead and slid his arm out from under her. She sighed softly and buried her face in the pillow.
He found everyone in the kitchen, Lydia wrist deep in her preparations for dinner. She didn't cook as often as Don did, but she was very good at it.
Lori looked up at him as he entered the room. “Devon, I was telling everyone we’d like to have a little party for Hailey when she gets the official approval to be out of her wheelchair. What do you think?”
He scratched the back of his neck. “Who would you invite?”
She slid a look at Caleb, who held Maisie up against his shoulder, before focusing on Devon once more. “Just us. Maybe Alicia and John. I like them.”
Devon nodded. “That would be okay. I don’t want to have too many people or wear her out.”
“Of course not,” Lori agreed.
“Do you want to do it here?” Don asked.
“That would be easiest.” Caleb shifted Maisie to his other shoulder, and Devon saw that she was asleep.
“Okay, just don’t go overboard. Don’t invite everyone you work with and every friend you’ve . . . ever . . . made.” He couldn't help but think of Vince and Anna. He hadn't heard from her since the day she showed up at his house demanding his arrest.
“I haven't heard from her,” Lori said in a low voice.
“Reading my mind again, Lori?” Devon thought it was odd the way she seemed to know what he was thinking all the time.
“Maybe you’re predictable,” she retorted.
There was silence, and yeah, maybe they were all predictable. Surely every one of them thought of Anna and what she’d known. She hadn't been to work since the day Vince was arrested, and Lori didn't know what was going on. Lori was reticent to call her or go to her house, and Devon couldn't blame her. It must be similar to how he felt about Vince.
“Hailey was afraid disliking her grandparents would carry a heavy punishment,” Devon said to no one in particular.
Lydia dropped her hands to the counter. “Oh wow.”
“Yeah.” Devon scrubbed his palms over his face and took a seat at the counter. “She thinks that’s what makes people go away like Kathy.”
“Fuck.”
“Caleb. Language.”
“Sorry, Ma.”
Devon couldn’t help but grin. Despite the heavy topic, his family was the same as ever. “I assured her that’s not how it works, but don’t be surprised if she asks one of you about it.”
Don said, “She’s been asking about her grandparents, but nothing about death.”
“Nobody likes them,” Caleb said. Lori opened her mouth, but he cut her off. “It’s not a secret. We all hate them and they’ve never given us a reason not to. They only dropped by for fifteen minutes because they were already coming here. They don’t care about their own flesh and blood.”
“They only cared about Kathy, and she’s not here anymore.”
“Yeah, Devon, but damn. They can’t see that Hailey is a part of their daughter.”
Devon snorted. “She’s been tainted by my DNA.”
“Sadly, I believe that’s what they think,” Lori said.
“Well, I hope you told her she’s not required to like them,” Lydia began.
“Just be respectful to them,” Devon finished. “I’ve always taught her what you taught us.”
Don came and put his arm around Devon. “You’re a good father, Devon. Don’t ever listen to anything otherwise.”
Least of all his own fucked up head. “Thanks, Dad.”
“So about that party,” Caleb said after a few moments. “You’re okay with us inviting Chloe, Alicia, and John?”
Devon frowned. “Chloe?”
“Subtle, Caleb. Slid that in there so smoothly.” Lori rolled her eyes. “She’s my friend like Alicia is. You don't mind, do you?”
“I thought you liked Chloe,” Lydia said.
“Sure. I like the Hurleys too.”
“Mm.”
Devon looked closely at his mother. “What does that mean?”
“Nothing, dear. Dinner's about ready, Don. Will you wake Hailey up?”
Devon kept his gaze on his mother as his father left the room. She didn't look up.
There was a strange feeling at the nape of his neck. He scratched absently, trying to figure out why there was tension in the room where there hadn't been. The pan sizzled as Lydia stirred it, and Devon dutifully got up and began to set the table. He felt them watching him, would have sworn it, but when he looked up at them they were all doing something else.
Chapter Nineteen
“It’s a lot like whiplash,” Devon said. “One minute I feel as if I need to get far away so I can’t ruin anyone else. But then I see Hailey’s face, and I can’t help but realize she’s everything to me.”
“I really think it’s natural to feel that way.” Chloe touched his shoulder. “You went through so much, and the perpetrator was someone very close to you. How could you not have conflicting thoughts?”
> Devon shifted and leaned against the wall, crossing his arms over his chest. “It’s like I should have seen it coming. That’s what the illogical part of my brain says, anyway.”
“You couldn't have. Nobody else did, so why do you think you should have been so damn clever? Stop placing the blame on the victim.”
He shook his head. “I never meant to do that. I don't want to be a victim.”
“If you’re still trying to avoid therapy, you need to talk about it more. To anyone.”
“How do you know so much, Chloe?” Devon’s grin was wry. “You should have been a shrink yourself.” It never occurred to him she actually had first-hand knowledge, but she analyzed the hell out of life in a way which reminded him of a professional therapist.
The others moved around the kitchen behind them, setting up food for Hailey’s celebration. Devon still thought it was too much excitement for one little girl.
Chloe shrugged. “It isn’t my calling.”
“How long have you been a dispatcher?” He knew little about her life outside of the fact that she volunteered at the hospital.
“Oh, it’s been a little over four years. I had some training when I graduated high school, and I’ve been at it ever since.”
“Do you still volunteer at the hospital?” He couldn't even imagine the place without picturing her in it.
“I do. Some weeks it’s only one night, depending on my schedule. When I hit my five-year anniversary, I won’t have to put up with swing shifts anymore. Being at the hospital is the best way to spend time with my dad.”
He pursed his lips. “I haven’t met your father yet.”
Chloe shifted so Lori could walk past them out of the kitchen. “He works almost as much as Mom. I don’t know how they do it, not seeing each other for more than a few hours per week.”
“Some couples are built differently, is all.”
Chloe nodded. “I feel as if you and Kathy must have been attached at the hip.”
Devon straightened, shocked that Chloe spoke so casually of Kathy. “I guess. We were high school sweethearts.”