Then and now (Edge Of Retaliation, #3)

by Jewel, Bella

  “What exactly happened to her?” Mr. Yates asks, his voice so tight it’s alarming.

  I look to Tanner but he nods at me again. He wants me to have the chance to tell the story, like I’ve always wanted, only now it doesn’t feel as relieving as I thought it would. It feels ... horrible. I know when I go into further detail about what happened to Celia that night, they’re going to wish they never heard it. They’re going to wish they forever lived thinking I was the villain.

  “I ...” I say, hesitant.

  “Just tell the story,” Mr. Yates growls.

  I close my eyes, take a shaky breath and say, “Chase got in with the wrong crowd and started messing around with drugs. He owed some big people some big money, and they went after him for it. They got Celia and him, and they drugged him so he was helpless, then they ...”

  I stop—saying the words makes me sick to my stomach. I don’t want to ruin their lives forever; I don’t want them to see that image in their heads for the rest of their days.

  “Just say it,” Mrs. Yates whispers, her head dropped as she stares at her hands that are clasped together so tightly they’re going white.

  “They raped her.”

  “They,” Mr. Yates says between gritted teeth. “How many?”

  “Eight,” I whisper. “They raped her but that wasn’t all of it. She contracted HIV from it.”

  Mr. Yates stands, his chair launching backward. “Where is Chase?”

  “Dad,” Tanner says, standing too. “Believe me, I felt the same, but goin’ over there and doin’ somethin’ stupid won’t make this any better.”

  “Where is he?” Mr. Yates roars.

  I flinch and look over to Mrs. Yates, who is sobbing, her head down. My heart breaks into a thousand tiny pieces, and I feel like going over there and hugging her, telling her it’ll be okay, but I know damn well she doesn’t want to hear from me. She doesn’t want my comfort.

  “Dad,” Tanner tries again.

  “You won’t tell me I’ll find him myself.”

  He reaches for his keys and storms out the door, slamming it so hard a picture frame falls off the wall and smashes onto the ground. I stand and rush over, dropping to my knees and picking up the pieces, tears burning my eyelids, vomit rising in my throat. One tear escapes, then two and three, and then a whole river of them stream down my face until my body is shaking and my vision is blurring. I grab at the pieces of glass, trying to pick them up, trying to clean up the broken mess that I will forever think is my fault.

  “Callie,” Tanner says, “it’s okay, I’ll get it.”

  I ignore him, shoving big shards into my hand so I can throw them away. One shard stabs into my skin, slicing it open, and I just cry harder as blood pools to the surface. I can hear Mrs. Yates sobbing now, loud broken sobs, and I want to claw my fucking ears off so I don’t have to hear that pained sound.

  “Callie, stop,” Tanner orders, his voice firm, his big hand curling around my wrist and stopping me from moving any further. “You’re bleeding, stand up. I’ll clean the glass up.”

  “I’m sorry,” I sob. “I’m sorry, Tanner.”

  “It’s okay, come on.”

  He walks me back to where Mrs. Yates is still crying, her head in her hands, her whole body shaking. I stop walking and look to Tanner. “She needs you more than I do right now. I’ll go to the bathroom and clean myself up. Help her.”

  He looks at me, the pain in his eyes breaking my heart. I’m causing this pain. I’m making things harder for him. He’s torn between two worlds right now, and I’m right in the middle, making it so much worse.

  “You’re hurt and upset,” he says, his voice thick.

  “She’s more hurt, and more upset. I’ll go calm down and clean up. Please, help her.”

  I turn and walk off, not giving him another option. He lets me go, and I’m kind of thankful because right now, I’m in a bad way.

  I head to the bathroom and step inside, closing the door and locking it. I find an old towel in the cupboard and wrap it around my hand, knowing I’ll have to buy them another one but I don’t have anything else to use that won’t make a big mess. Then, with an exhale that I feel to the very depths of my soul, I slide down the wall and drop my head, letting the tears continue to flow.

  I cry like that for a good twenty minutes, letting my body tremble and my heart ache the way it needs to. Then, I push to my feet and look into the mirror a my red blotchy face and my swollen eyes. I look horrible. I wash my face with my one good hand and then I unravel the other one and assess the damage. The cut is quite deep, but not enough for stitches, at least, I don’t think it is. I wash it and then wrap it back up before heading out to the living area again.

  I’m halfway down the hall when I hear Tanner talking to his mother, and I stop, listening.

  I know I shouldn’t, I know this is their time, but my curiosity is stronger than I am right now.

  “You tormented her, to seek revenge?” Mrs. Yates asks. “Tanner, I raised you so much better than that.”

  “I was dyin’ without Celia, was so fuckin’ broken. I wasn’t thinkin’ straight and I wanted Callie to suffer for what she had done. I knew no better, I wanted to make her feel a fraction of what I was feelin’. What we were all feelin’.”

  My heart still twists violently at the memory of what Tanner was doing to me. Will it ever stop hurting? Will I ever think about it and not feel so damned broken inside? What he did, it still burns me to my core. I don’t know if that’s healthy, or if it’ll just fade with time, but I do know that remembering it bothers me deeply.

  “Tanner,” she whispers. “That’s not right.”

  “No, you’re right, it isn’t. When I found out what really happened to Celia, things were fuckin’ hard. I was all over the place, still am. My mind spins when I think about it, everythin’ fuckin’ hurts. But Callie isn’t to blame, and I owed it to her to help her find Chase and bring him home to face what he did.”

  “You and Callie are in a relationship?” Mrs. Yates asks.

  “No, we’re not, but I care about her. I do, Mom. She’s a fuckin’ strong woman and she opened my eyes to a lot.”

  “You’re playing with fire, Tanner. You have to know that.”

  My stomach clenches.

  “It’s not goin’ to be easy, but she matters to me.”

  “I know that, but you have to know there is too much water under the bridge now for you two to have a healthy relationship. She hit your sister and killed her, maybe Celia did want that, but it happened all the same. You tormented her for it. How can you build trust and love, off such broken foundations?”

  I close my eyes, my heart racing.

  Is she right?

  Of course she’s right.

  “It’ll take time, but we’ll get through it,” Tanner goes on, but his voice is hesitant, I can hear it.

  “Will you? Will you ever truly forgive her? Will she ever truly forgive you? You’re lying to yourself, son, and I love you enough to not want any more hurt in your life. Time heals nothing, Celia’s death has shown us that. It hurts, and it’ll always hurt. When the feelings become normal, and life takes over, can you honestly tell me you can look at her and not hold resentment, even the smallest amount?”

  Tanner goes silent.

  His answer.

  I know it, even if he doesn’t.

  My heart feels like it’s going to launch from my chest. My legs feel like they’re going to give way on me. Everything hurts, everything fucking hurts. I can’t breathe. I can’t take it anymore. I walk out into the living area, straight past them, stopping them mid conversation, and I grab my things. “I need to leave,” I whisper, my head down. “I’ll get you another towel, Mrs. Yates.”

  I rush to the front door, just as Tanner calls, “Callie, wait.”

  I don’t stop.

  I hurry out and to the street, just wanting to get the hell out of there. Reality is crushing, it really is, and it’ll bring you down at times when you th
ink maybe everything might work out. It’ll remind you that you’re living a lie, that it won’t work out, that you’re never going to have what it is you want so desperately.

  “Callie!” Tanner yells, grabbing my arm and spinning me around. “Stop, fuck.”

  “Let me go, Tanner. I need to leave.”

  “You heard what we just said, didn’t you?”

  “Yes, and she’s right. She’s right. What the hell are we doing here? Living some fantasy life? Pretending that we’ll be forever okay with the damage we’ve inflicted on one another? This fantasy is just that ... a fantasy.”

  “It has been a hard night, and you’re upset. Don’t react because you’re fuckin’ breakin’ right now.”

  “Look me in the eye and tell me you don’t hold some resentment toward me for what happened to Celia. Even though you know the full story, tell me you don’t look at me and still think, deep down, that if I was watching, she could still possibly be here? Tell me that, and I’ll let this go.”

  “Callie ...”

  “Answer me, Tanner.”

  He exhales and closes his eyes.

  I don’t need him to answer.

  That action right there is my answer.

  “Then she’s right, isn’t she?” I whisper, tears rolling down my cheeks.

  I turn and disappear into the darkness.

  He doesn’t follow me.

  He knows she’s right.

  I do, too.

  “OH GOD, THANK GOD, I was so worried about you,” Jo says, rushing over as soon as I step through the front door. She throws her arms around me, holding onto me tightly, and I welcome it.

  The last three hours of my life, I’ve thought about everything, I’ve gone over everything, I’ve picked it all apart and put it back together again. I’ve faced reality head on. I’ve been completely honest with myself.

  Even if honesty feels like a knife to the heart right now.

  “Where were you?” she asks, stepping back and holding my shoulders. “I saw what Tanner’s dad did to Chase, I was so worried about how your night went.”

  “I went for a drive, found somewhere to sit and thought about everything,” I say, my voice thick and full of emotion. “It was a horrible night, and eye opening in so many ways.”

  “Sit down, I’ll make you a cup of tea and we can talk about it.”

  “Actually, Jo, I need to talk to you, it’s important.”

  She stares at me, her face showing the concern she’s feeling. “Is everything okay?”

  “Can we sit?”

  She nods, and we head in and sit on the sofa. I twist my body to face her and think about how the hell I’m going to get all of this out without breaking again. My heart feels like it’s lying under a heavy truck, and my stomach twists every few seconds to remind me that I’m going to hurt like hell once I’ve done what I’m about to do.

  “You’re starting to scare me, Callie. What happened tonight?”

  I briefly go over what happened with Mr. and Mrs. Yates, and what I heard after, and then I tell her what Tanner said when I confronted him about it. She listens, not saying anything, but I can see by the look on her face that she’s feeling hurt for me. I can’t say I blame her; it was a horrid night.

  “Okay,” she says, when I’m done telling her the events. “So you went and thought about everything. What exactly are you about to tell me?”

  I exhale and tell her the decision I’ve come up with. “I’m leaving, Jo.”

  She shakes her head in confusion. “Pardon me?”

  “I’m moving away. Where, I don’t know, but somewhere far away from here. From the memories. From the pain. From the constant reminder of what and who I am. I’m starting my life anew. For more than one reason.”

  She looks shocked. “You’re leaving? As in, forever?”

  “Yes, as in forever.”

  “What about Tanner?”

  My heart twists, and I look at her with an expression that tells her my answer.

  “You love him, don’t you, honey?” she asks, her voice soft.

  “I’m falling in love with him, yes,” I answer. “But his mom was right, he’ll forever see me as the girl who killed his sister, even if he doesn’t want to. One big fight, and it’ll come up. Not to mention, his family will never accept me. What if we fell in love and got married, I’d always be that person at the family cookouts, the one who ruined everything. I can’t live with that. I just can’t.”

  “If you leave, honey, if you just run ... It’s going to break you apart.”

  “It already is,” I whisper, my eyes burning with tears, even though I was sure I’d gotten rid of them all. “But there is another reason I’m doing this ...”

  She tips her head to the side, confused.

  “That gang, or whatever the hell they are, they’re going to come for us. We know they’re going to come for us. They’re going to make our lives hell. The entire situation is so dangerous it makes me sick. If I’m not here, if we’re all separated ...”

  “They’re unlikely to come after all of us,” Jo finishes for me, her voice soft. “I had the same thought.”

  “While we’re all together, we’re just a toxic bomb waiting to explode. Tatum and Tanner, they can handle themselves, but me ... I can’t take any more. Of the danger. Of the horror.”

  Jo nods. “You know, I’ve had the same thought a few times over the last few days. With everything going on with Patrick, and then there’s Tatum and the way I feel about him. It’s so complicated and I’m so tired.”

  “Then come with me,” I say, my voice suddenly a little more hopeful. “Come with me, Jo. Let’s start again, just me and you, somewhere new. It’ll make things on everyone so much easier.”

  She stares at me, and I expect her to say an automatic no and tell me all the reasons she can’t come with me, but instead she says, “I’ll think about it, I really will. It’s just ...”

  “You and Tatum?”

  She nods. “We’re ... I don’t know, there is something so strong there, especially after what happened. I have feelings for him, real feelings. Yet at the same time, I think the same thing. If I stay, if we remain here, danger is coming, and it isn’t going to let us go. I’m tired of danger, and pain, and heartache.”

  I reach over and squeeze her arm. “Just think about it, you know there’s no pressure, but I will say, having you with me ... It would make things so much better.”

  She leans forward and hugs me. “You’re my best friend, Callie. I can’t imagine life without you.”

  I squeeze her tight and pull back, swiping my tears.

  “Are you going to tell Tanner?” she asks.

  I shake my head. “No, honey. I’m not. It’s best if he doesn’t know where I go or when. It’ll only make it harder. He’ll only try to stop me. The idea of leaving him ... It kills me inside. It really does.”

  Jo nods. “I understand. Ethan? Max?”

  I shake my head. “No, I’m going to just go. I’m leaving this life behind me, that means all the pain that comes with it. I’ll hurt a lot of people, I know that, but staying will hurt them all a whole lot more.”

  “Are you sure you don’t want to talk to Tanner? He cares about you, he really does.”

  I smile weakly. “I know he does, which is why he can pretend that what happened won’t bother him forever. But it will, Jo. It will. I couldn’t bear the day to come that he looks at me with hatred. I can’t ever let it get to that. This is for the best.”

  She hugs me again. “Give me a day, I’ll have an answer for you.”

  I hang on tight.

  And I pray.

  For a final time.

  11

  JOANNE

  “He’s still away,” Tatum tells Tanner, sliding a cup of coffee toward me. “Not sure how long, but they’re all behind bars for now.”

  “It’ll be a few years, if we’re lucky, gives us time to figure out what the fuck to do,” Tanner mutters, running his hands through his hair
. He looks tired, and worn out, like he’s just had enough.

  I can’t say I blame him.

  “What if they send someone before he gets out? I mean, people with that much power could send someone our way, right?” I ask, glancing at the two men.

  Tanner ponders this for a moment, then says, “I doubt it. I’m guessing he’s looking forward to doing the job himself. He wants the challenge, I mean it’s a possibility we have to look out for, but if I were to bet on it, I’d say he’ll wait.”

  “Have to agree with you there,” Tatum nods.

  “Well, that’s good then,” I murmur.

  I look at the two men again, really look at them, and wonder what life will be like if I walk away from all of this. From Tatum, from this drama. Is it even fair for us to just leave them behind? To deal with this on their own so we can go safely, or is it smart? If we’re not together, it makes it a whole lot harder.

  I dare to ask a question that’ll give me some answers. “Do you think they’ll just come after you, Tanner, being that you’re the one they wanted, or do you think they’ll come after all of us?”

  Tatum glances at me, tipping his head to the side and studying me, then he gives me a small smile and looks to Tanner, who just watched the exchange.

  “I think he’ll come after us all. He wants me the most, no doubt, but we all put him where he is. Men like that don’t like to leave anyone behind. He’s not going to just take one of us and let the rest of us walk. That’s not how this works.”

  Just as I thought.

  I consider Callie’s idea again. Can I do it? Pack up everything I know and just leave, just walk away without looking back? Can I walk away from Patrick, from my family, from Tatum and these people I’ve come to know so well?

  It seems almost impossible, and yet the idea of starting again is scarily thrilling.

  “I should get going,” I say, my voice tired. I’m exhausted after going back to work today. The same thing, over and over.

  Maybe leaving is a good idea.

  Tatum stands. “Walk you out.”