Head to Head (On Pointe Book 2)

by Penelope Freed

  All I have to do is finish up a math assignment and study for finals, everything else I turned in before I left. I grab my phone to put some music on while I work, once again ignoring the growing notifications. I even moved my Instagram icon to the last page of my phone screen so I don’t have to look at it all the time. One of these days I’m going to have to look through everything and clear them up, but not tonight. “Not today” has been my mantra all week, I’m going to run out of excuses soon.

  The only app I’ve been opening is my text messages, my texts with the girls and Trevor the only things I’ve responded to. Glancing at it before turning on my music, I breathe a sigh of relief that the little red number floating above it is only a single digit. Do I look now before I get into my homework? Probably better to get it over with.

  Lisa: Are you coming to class tonight? We miss you

  Katy: Hey slacker, get your booty to class tonight! In a separate, private text there’s another message from Katy.

  Katy: JK, but I miss your face and I’m mad at Lisa so it would be real great if you were there tonight.

  Katy’s mad at Lisa? When did this happen? What did I miss?

  Trevor: Hey TT, how was the flight home? I won’t pester you tonight, but if you wanna hang out or if you need company while you catch up on homework let me know. Homework buddy extraordinaire is at your service.

  He’s ridiculous. Adorable and ridiculous. A flicker of a smile dances across my face at his text. Since his ridiculous running story kept me from being nervous on Saturday, before everything fell apart, I’ve been counting on our conversations to distract me from the defeated thoughts that threaten to overwhelm me. Is it healthy? Probably not. Do I care right now? Nope.

  Trevor: You know I hit send and then I realized how lame that sounds. Pretend I didn’t say that, ok?

  Homework or Trevor? That’s not even a real question.

  Me: Nope, I have your lameness in writing. I’ll treasure it forever.

  I finish checking the rest of my texts while I wait for his response.

  Olivia: Hey Banana, are you coming to class tonight? Miss you!

  Olivia: Ummm, I don’t wanna pry, but you should maybe check on Lisa, I think she had a rough day.

  What on earth happened while I was gone?

  Quickly, I send Lisa a private text.

  Me: Hey, are you ok?

  Lisa’s response is almost instantaneous.

  Lisa: Yeah, just a weird day. Are you coming to class?

  Me: No, I just woke up. I’ll be there tomorrow. You’d tell me if there was something going on, right?

  Lisa: Of course I would. There’s nothing to tell. My life is exactly what it always is—school, dance, sleep, repeat. No boys, no distractions, right?

  Is this about Hunter? I suspected there was something going on, but I didn’t realize anything had actually happened. Is that why Katy’s mad? I respond with an affirmation and a few smiley-face emojis, then flip over to Katy’s text.

  Me: Why are you mad at Lisa? What happened while I was gone? Why is Lisa sad?

  Like Lisa, Katy responds right away. A text from Trevor pops up while she’s typing, but I ignore it for now.

  Katy: Lisa is probably sad because yesterday she yelled at Hunter in the middle of the quad about only having a 94.8 in their Chem class, as if it’s his fault she only has an average A instead of a perfect A. Which is a stupid reason to yell at my brother when he didn’t do anything wrong. I’m mad at both of them because when they were supposedly working on their “chem project” they went on a freaking DATE! And then he kissed her at my house while we were watching you. WTF????????????

  Whoah. What? Before I have a chance to process any of it another text from Katy pops up.

  Katy: Is there even a chem project or was that all a lie so they could start dating in secret? And why are they dating? I told you guys my brothers are off limits. Hard no. Not ok. Is this why all of a sudden she wanted to come to the track meet? And when he took her to lunch that one day? How long has this been going on? I thought he was hung up on Olivia? Does this mean I lost my bet with Jack? I have so many questions and no one to talk to. I NEED you to come to class tonight.

  Me: Sorry, I’m still at home, just woke up plus I have to finish all the homework I missed last week. I’ll be there tomorrow, promise. And I’ll see you at school?

  Katy: Fine. Abandon me in my hour of need. Text later?

  Me: Sure

  What on earth has been going on while I was gone? Also, it’s Tuesday and I’m only finding out now? Some friends they are. At least Trevor isn’t keeping secrets from me. Irritated and worried, I read Trevor’s text, hoping he’s got something funny for me. Anything to help me forget the disappointment.

  Trevor: Not gonna let me pretend to be cool are you? So mean to me. Why do I like you again?

  I pause in the middle of pulling my math book out of my backpack. He doesn’t mean that the way I think he does, does he? Giddiness temporarily pushes aside the defeat that’s been weighing me down since Saturday night. Before I can second guess myself, I type out and send him a text, biting my lip the whole time.

  Me: You like me because I’m adorable. And it makes you feel smart when you help me with my math homework. Speaking of, wanna do homework with me? About to start now.

  I’ve barely opened my book to the assigned pages when my phone lights up with an incoming Facetime call.

  “Hey T,” Trevor’s warm voice says the second I answer.

  “Hey yourself... T.” I laugh back. “Do you have any homework to do?”

  Trevor waves a notebook in view of the camera. “Yup, studying for finals.” He pauses, eyeing me through the camera. Do I have something on my face? Nervous, I try to sneak a peek in the corner of my phone screen to make sure I don’t look completely wrecked. “Are you okay?” The concern in Trevor’s voice pulls my attention away from my face and back to his.

  Those brown eyes of his are earnest, weighing my expression, a tiny wrinkle between his eyebrows has me wanting to reach through the phone to smooth it away. His navy-blue comforter and the corner of the poster on his wall behind his bed are familiar from our homework sessions over the last few weeks.

  “Why do you think something’s wrong?” I finally ask, running my fingers through the damp mop of hair sticking to my neck.

  “Mostly because you never ask me to call, you just don’t argue with me when I say I’m going to do it.” He’s smiling as he says it, but I can hear the question in his voice. “I’m not complaining, in fact I’m a little relieved. I was worried you were humoring me. But I can imagine last week was hard and coming home probably feels both good and bad, right?”

  “How are you so smart? It’s annoying, knock it off.” I stick my tongue out at him, giggling to myself when Trevor’s cheeks turn pink, but enjoying his answering grin. “It’s a lot of things.” Holding the phone in my hand, I flop back on my bed, holding his face above mine.

  “I’m almost as good a listener as I am a homework buddy. Wanna tell me about it?”

  Curling onto my side, I nestle the phone up against a pillow, so I don’t have to hold it. It feels extra intimate to be laying in my bed while I talk to Trevor, but I need to shield myself from the things I’m about to confess and somehow laying down seems safer. In fact, I pull a blanket over my shoulders for a little extra comfort.

  “Hannah?” The worry in Trevor’s voice draws my eyes to the screen. His soft smile eases some of my worry.

  “Promise not to judge me?”

  “Judgement-free zone, T. Promise.”

  “It’s... I don’t even know where to start…” I trail off, not sure how to articulate the thoughts in my mind.

  “Start with the competition. Are you upset that you didn’t win?”

  “Yes. And no...I don’t know. Before we left, I was so scared I w
as going to do terribly. I was scared that I was going to fall, or be the worst one there, or something big and terrible like that.” Trevor nods and I keep talking. “But then I wasn’t the worst. And that was so weird. But then I didn’t think I was the best either, so I was okay with just not being bad.” I shrug, not sure how to explain it any better.

  “So, you went, thinking you were going to struggle to keep up, but then you found you were doing fine keeping up with the pack, am I right?”

  “Yeah. And then I kept making it past the cuts. And a little part of me started thinking that maybe I was good enough to win. But then I didn’t even place, because obviously I’m not good enough. It makes me feel like such a brat to say that out loud. It’s ridiculous to think I would win. But I don’t know. It kind of felt like I could for a moment.” I hide my face in my pillow, completely embarrassed to have admitted all of that. Trevor is silent while I will the red-hot blush in my cheeks down. “Can I tell you something?” I whisper after a moment.

  “You can tell me anything, you know that.”

  “I looked at the comments on the first picture Martin posted of us and there were so many people wanting to know who I was. And some of them were saying I was pretty, and some were kinda mean. It totally freaked me out. And then I got a million follow requests. I haven’t looked at Instagram in almost a week. I’m too scared to look.”

  “You don’t have to look if you don’t want to. Get Lisa or Katy to look for you. It’ll be okay.” Now it’s Trevor’s turn to lay down on his bed. He props the phone up on a pillow like I have and matches my pose, laying on his side and facing me.

  “I haven’t even told you, something happened on Saturday and now Katy and Lisa are mad at each other, or Katy is mad at Lisa, I think, and Lisa is just sad or something. I don’t really understand what’s going on. But all of this stuff happened here, and no one told me. Why didn’t they tell me there was something going on?” My voice is getting squeaky, my throat tight. I do not want to cry in front of Trevor, I’ve said enough embarrassing things for one night.

  “Take a breath T. What’s going on with Katy and Lisa?”

  “Katy said that Lisa and Hunter, that’s Katy’s brother, made up an excuse about working on a project together for school so they could go on a date without her knowing.”

  “Why would they need to sneak behind Katy’s back? Doesn’t she think her friend is good enough for her brother? Or her brother’s not good enough for Lisa?”

  I shake my head. “No, it’s not that. Katy’s brothers are super popular at school and I think Katy feels kind of overshadowed by them. She told me she didn’t want to lose us to her brothers.”

  “Okay, so how did she find out about this date?”

  While I explain what I know of the situation to Trevor, I can’t help wondering what it would be like to have this kind of time every day. To hang out with him like this, no rushing off to dance.

  The idea of going to class right now makes my stomach clench. I don’t want to face my classmates as a failure. The girl who they all looked up to, wasn’t good enough. I dread going tomorrow.

  Trevor doesn’t have any advice to offer me, not that I expected him to, but eventually we get all my math homework finished and a little bit of studying done between chatting. He doesn’t pry into my trip again, just tells me more about his running and a funny story about his little sister. I’ve just hung up with him when my mom sticks her head in the door.

  “You want dinner? I decided I didn’t want to cook, but there’s some frozen stuff or some soup?”

  My stomach rumbles at the mention of food, so I follow her downstairs to the kitchen. Pulling a can of soup out of the cupboard, I’m surprised to see it’s only a little after seven. I haven’t had dinner this early on a weeknight in years. If it was a normal day, I’d be halfway through my pointe class and still have another hour and a half of dancing ahead of me.

  “Who were you talking to?” Mom asks, startling me.

  “Um…” She raises an eyebrow at me. I hide my face as I empty the soup into a pot and start stirring.

  “Do you remember when I went out with Olivia and Tyler that one time? Well, Tyler’s cousin Trevor came too, that’s why they invited me, so he wouldn’t be a third wheel.” I’m babbling but I power through, might as well get the embarrassment over with. I stir the soup, not wanting to look at my mom. “Anyway, we got along pretty well and have been talking ever since. So, um, that’s who I was talking to.”

  “He sounds nice. Does he live around here?” That’s it? He sounds nice? Isn’t she going to grill me?

  “He lives in Seattle.”

  “Seattle, huh? Did that have something to do with you finally deciding on PSB for the summer? Is he cute? Can I see a picture?”

  “Mom! Geeze. And no, that’s not why I picked PSB, you know that.”

  “Come on, Hannah, I’ve been waiting years for this. At least tell me he’s cute?”

  Groaning, I pull my phone out of my pocket and open up the picture Trevor sent me from his track meet. After voicing her approval, to my deep and utter embarrassment, my mom finally leaves to go back to watching TV with my dad.

  After taking two sips of my soup and staring at the wall, I give in and pull my phone out. I flip to the last screen on my phone, thumb hovering over the Instagram icon. I’m sure Martin’s sent me another message trying to get me to change my mind about picking PSB over CBS this summer. But am I ready for this? I’ll have to do it sooner or later.

  Squeezing my eyes shut, not sure why, it’s not going to change anything, I tap the icon. Keeping my eyes closed I count to five, hoping that by the time I open them I won’t have to see how many notifications are waiting for me. No such luck. I’ve been tagged in over a dozen posts, my own posts have tons of new comments and almost one hundred follow requests stare back at me.

  I can’t do this.

  How many of those comments are going to be people who see the truth—that I’m just pretty good. I’m not great, I’m not special. I’m just... pretty good.

  Pretty good, isn’t good enough.

  I know I’m not good enough, the evidence was pretty clear on Saturday.

  My soup sits in my stomach like a lead weight. No longer hungry, I clean up my mess and head back up to my room. The only place safe from everyone’s judgement is my bed. I think I’ll stay here forever, curled up under my blankets, safe.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Lisa

  “She really won’t talk to you?” Hannah’s incredulous look has me doubting my own sanity for a second, but one glance at Katy huddled up with Olivia and Jack across the quad snaps me back to reality.

  “Nope. She hasn’t spoken to me since Saturday.” I shrug. I’ve tried texting, I’ve tried calling, I get silence. She wouldn’t even stand at the barre with me in class on Monday and Tuesday. I was hoping that with Hannah back Katy might come around, but it appears that Hannah is getting the cold shoulder for being #TeamLisa.

  “Ugh, if this is what it was like for you and Katy when Olivia and I were fighting I am so sorry.” Hannah shakes her head and moves her legs into a patch of sunshine. Late May means it’s already starting to get hot, the cool morning clouds burning off by mid-morning. Between the foggy mornings, blasting air conditioning in the buildings, and the hot sun I never know what to wear to school. My usual uniform of jeans and t-shirts with the odd sweatshirt thrown over it always used to be sufficient, but being the object of gossip this week has me second-guessing every item in my closet. I don’t recognize the disaster my life has become, and it’s left me a frazzled mess, anger constantly simmering in my gut, ready to boil over at the smallest provocation. I hate this.

  I thought about asking Olivia for advice, but it’s her friends spreading the rumors about Hunter and me. If Hannah is #TeamLisa, then it appears Olivia is firmly #TeamKaty. Once again, I have to push down my ang
er at the unfairness of it all. I didn’t do anything wrong. Did I?

  “Lisa?’ Hannah’s voice pulls me from my reverie.

  “Sorry, what?” Tearing my gaze from the group across the quad from us, the defeated slump of Hunter’s shoulders all I notice, I focus on Hannah’s face.

  “Never mind, it’s not a big deal,” she mutters.

  “What? Sorry, I spaced out.”

  “You mean you were staring at Hunter again.”

  “No I wasn’t. No boys, no distractions, right?” Guilt flashes across Hannah’s face. What was that about? “Right?” I say again. The anger I’ve been keeping in check all morning goes from simmering to boiling over in a flash when she hesitates. “Is this about Trevor? You realize you can’t actually date him, date him, right? He lives in Seattle, for crying out loud.” Regret over my words hits me before I’ve even finished my sentence. This isn’t like me, what am I saying? I don’t want to rub Hannah’s face in the fact that the guy she likes lives a thousand miles away.

  Hannah’s face falls, I can see the second she shuts down from my words. Just like when she was fighting with Olivia, like I see Hunter doing, she seems to collapse in on herself. Her spine sags, shoulders curving forward to make herself look small, less threatening. She’s protecting herself from me, her best friend. What have I done? A minute ago, everything was fine.

  “Gee, thanks for the reminder,” Hannah murmurs, eyes glued to her lap. “I’m aware. Trust me.”

  When did I become the bad guy?

  Wait a second, I am not the bad guy here. I don’t actually know who is the bad guy right now, but it’s not me.

  “You’re the one who said it first, Hannah. We don’t have time for distractions, we have goals, right? That was the deal. No boys. I didn’t mean to sound so harsh, but I’m just telling you the truth. Last time I checked, it was a good thing that Trevor was so far away, for exactly this reason. Why do you think I told Hunter I couldn’t date him?”

  “You did what?” Hannah’s eyes snap to mine, confusion and shock in her blue eyes, but a hint of anger in her tone.