Angel Trouble: A grim reaper horror comedy (24/7 Demon Mart Book 3)

by D. M. Guay

  “Let me check.” DeeDee walked behind the counter and came back a moment later with a book wrapped in purple fun fur. It looked like a goth cheerleader's diary. And it was...purring?

  Uh, her employee manual looked a lot different than mine. Like a lot. Cute, friendly and fuzzy. Mine lived in the bottom of my bedroom closet, fighting my cat and chewing up my shoes. Although, Kevin insisted I bring it to work with me, so right now it was loose in the store somewhere. Not exactly a comforting thought.

  “That's strange,” DeeDee flipped through all the pages. “She's not in mine either.”

  “What about you, kid?”

  Kevin looked at me. I looked at him. He didn't honestly expect me to carry it on me, considering the state it's in. Did he?

  “Uh, yes I do.” Kevin shook his head at me. “You aren't gonna accomplish anything around here without that book. The point of an employee manual is to read it. So read it, already. Geesh!”

  Kevin surveyed the gloppy black mess on the floor. Which was still steaming. And stunk like a horny skunk. “Well, whatever she is, she didn't come out of our gate. We're locked up tight.”

  “Then how did it get here?” I wasn't proud of my panicked, high-pitched tone.

  “How am I supposed to know? There're all kinds of ways these jerks can weasel up to earth. Don't just sit there. Mop her up. You got time to lean, you got time to clean,” Kevin said. “Tell you what. We'll make it easy on you. Grab him a bottle of Gut Scraper outta the back, okay Dee?”

  DeeDee disappeared into the stockroom. “Don't you dare throw away the cookies, kid. I gotta cheat day coming up soon. I'm gonna go hard on these Peanut Butter Patties.”

  Kevin scuttled back into the cookie box. Halfway. Because he was too fat to fit all the way in.

  “I heard that.” He ruffled around inside. “Coconut Stacks. Blech. Ooh. Skinny Mints. Score! I don't know what kind of monster shows up with cookies, but I wish we'd get more of them. Jackpot.”

  I stared at the pile of disintegrating goop that was once a Lloyd-eating monster disguised as a little kid. My shoulder stung. Her claws had poked a hole in my shirt. And under the hole, blood. Just a little, but man. It really hurt.

  “You should probably disinfect that. If I've learned anything since the bubonic plague, it's that human bodies are no match for germs. Tiny, but mighty.” Angel shook out from underneath some toppled bottles of motor oil. “Wow. We need to talk. You weren't even a sidekick on that one. You were full on victim. Kevin's right. It's about time you actually got good at this job.”

  “Tell me something I don't know.” I had just managed to peel myself up out of the scout slime, when the front door chimed. A rush of freezing air swept through the store.

  Angel rolled behind my foot, like he was hiding. “Why is he here? This is a disaster!”

  “Who?” I looked and immediately regretted it.

  A man stood in the door. He was eight feet tall at least, impossibly thin with sharp bony shoulders. He wore a long, weird black dress with the hood up. He looked at me and holy crap. He didn't have a face. He had a skull. A naked, no skin, white, bone only, full on skull where his face should be.

  Is that? I immediately felt like all the blood drained out of me. Cold. Knees shaking. Because yes. It was. The grim reaper just walked into Demon Mart, and he looked exactly like he did in all the movies. Only without the scythe.

  I looked at the black pool of dead Cookie Scout. At the trace of blood on my fingers from the scratch on my shoulder.

  Oh, no. She'd killed me. It must have been a hell germ or poison or something. I died so fast, I didn't even notice. So that's it then. This was the end. I'm dead.

  Chapter 2

  I might be dead, but I still tried to hide. Duh. Who jumps up and down, screaming, “Over here! Take me!” when the angel of death comes calling? Nobody, that's who. So I slowly sunk down behind the shelf until only the very top of my head stuck out. I would have gone all the way to the floor, but I had to keep an eye on that reaper. Because I was gonna run the second he floated this way. I wasn't ready to die. Not like this. In mismatched socks and a wrinkled “Shrimpin' Ain't Easy” T-shirt. And still living with my parents?

  Fuck. Angel was right. I needed serious check marks.

  “Angel. What do I do?” There had to be some way out of this.

  No response. His triangle just hung there. Blank. Stupid angel. Now he shuts up? When I need him the most? I shook him. Come on. Wake up! Death is here!

  Wait. Maybe he's prepping the pearly gates for an in-person meet and greet. Or...Hold up. I'm not going to hell, am I? Oh shit. He said the Old Testament sins count again. What if I he can't talk to me anymore because I'm doomed? Stupid bacon cheeseburgers! This can't be happening! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

  I was totally screaming on the inside when DeeDee stepped out of the back room, bottle of Gut Scraper in hand. She stopped dead in her tracks when she saw the reaper. And so did Kevin, who had taken his head out of the cookie box long enough to peek around the end cap. Which means they both saw him. So they must be dead, too. Shit. It wasn't a hell germ. It was a gas leak! How else would we all die at the same time?

  “It was the salmon mousse, kid,” Kevin said.

  “I didn't eat any salmon mousse!” My blood pumped so hard I felt like my head was gonna pop off.

  “It was a joke. Geesh. Relax! I can hear you breathing. You're still alive, and so am I.”

  “Are you sure?”

  Shit. The reaper moved at the sound of my voice. He looked at me. I mean, I think he looked at me. It was hard to tell because he didn't have eyeballs, but his empty sockets seemed to be pointing my way.

  My heart stopped cold in my chest. I should have kept my mouth shut!

  But the reaper floated the other way, to the slushy machines.

  Phew.

  He wrapped a giant bone hand around a nozzle, lowered his skull down under it, and pulled. Pythias Pomegranate poured straight into his mouth. Well, between his bone jaws. A mouth would imply cheeks and flesh, which he didn't have. Still, the slushy didn't spill on the floor. It disappeared. And he made a gug gug gug sound as he chugged it down into some unseen reaper mouth.

  Man. Drinking right out of the machine? Talk about bad manners.

  “Funny. You did the same thing the night we hired you,” Kevin said.

  “What? No, I—” Oh. Never mind. I totally did.

  When the reaper finished, he stood up and floated to the freshly stocked Zapp's end cap, ripped open a bag of Evil Eye chips, and started shoving them in his mouth. And I mean shoving. Like a starving walrus. Red bits of chip shrapnel flew in all directions as his teeth chomped those taters down. Once again, despite his lack of cheeks, he seemed to actually be eating them.

  When he finished, he moaned like a ghost in a cheap horror movie. “Eeeeeee. Eeeeee. Eeeeee. Hurrrrrp Hurrrrrp Hurrrrrrrp.”

  His shoulders—well, shoulder bones—jumped up and down. He rubbed his empty eye sockets with his knuckles.

  Wait. Was he crying?

  “Yep. He's crying,” Kevin said. “I gotta be honest, kid. I don't know what the hell is happening here.”

  “Um. Are you okay?” DeeDee asked him, with an apprehension that was very un-DeeDee like.

  The reaper looked at her for a long time. Then he put his arms out. “Can I have a hug? It would really cheer me up right now.”

  My heart kicked up. Hug the grim reaper? Hell no. Don't do it, DeeDee! Noooo!

  DeeDee looked at me. Then at the reaper, and asked, “If I hug you, will I die?”

  “Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh.” He sighed. Then slumped. “No. I've been suspended. I'm not allowed to reap. Eeeeeep. Eeeeeep. Eeeeeeeee.”

  He stopped hiccup crying just long enough to blow his nose on his sleeve. “Ten thousand years of service and stripped of my scythe. Just like that. I didn't do anything wrong, but no one believes meeeeeeeee. Hurrrrrp Hurrrrrp Hurrrrrrrp.”

  “Geesh. This guy's a mess,” Kevin said. “Don't just
stand there, kid. Make sure she's okay. We don't know if we can trust him.”

  “Me?”

  “Yeah, you. Now scoot. I'll be right behind you. It's gonna take me a while, though. These muffin tops are really slowing me down.”

  I didn't want to go, because I was terrified, but I went. Because DeeDee. Plus, Kevin kicked me in the shins until I started walking. By the time I made it to the candy aisle, the reaper had wrapped his bony, shroud-draped arms around her. She held him while he sobbed, shoulders popping, skull wet with tears.

  “It's okay,” she said. “It will all be okay.”

  “No. Herp. It's. Hurrrrr. Not. Oooooooh. Kaaaaaaay. Herp herp hurrrrrrrrrrp. My life is over. I can't go on. Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.”

  “Your life isn't over.” DeeDee patted his back. “You can find another job. I. Um. I think?”

  “It's not just the uh uh job. Herrrrrrrrrrrr. Everyone hates me. Hurrrrr. And my girlfriend dumped meeeeeeeee. Heeerrrrrrrrr urrrrrrrr. Hurrrrrp. I miss her sooooooo mu uh uch heerrrrrr hurrrrrrr hurrrrr.”

  “Of all the places he could have gone, he's here. HERE! I have the worst luck.” Angel's triangle poked out between the packages of Haribo Star Mix on the candy aisle end cap. “He's the reason we're all getting audited, you know. He let us all down. I'm so mad. I can't even look at him.”

  Angel literally turned away.

  “He said he was suspended.” I whispered through clenched teeth. “If he can't reap, does that mean we can't die?”

  Angel didn't answer. He rolled in between the bags of gummy bears and cried. I assume. I heard the vague sound of sobs.

  “Don't get any ideas, kid. He's a reaper, not the reaper. There's more than one, you know.” Kevin leaned against my leg, panting, trying to catch his breath. “There are seven billion people in the world. That's too big a job for one guy.”

  “How do you know that? Wait. Let me guess. It's in the employee manual.”

  “No. There's another one right behind you.”

  “What!?” I turned. Very slowly.

  Sure enough. Another tall bony figure in black robes stood on the welcome mat. And this one had a scythe. Reaper two waved his bony hand at the first reaper and said, “Hey man. Heard about your suspension. Shit luck, but you never know. Maybe it'll work out. Probably not, though. Anyhoo, those of us who still have a job have to get back to work.”

  He raised a scroll to his empty eye sockets. “Well, poop. I'm late. She's already dead. Totally not my fault, though. Celestial 40 is a parking lot. I got here as fast as I could.”

  We all stared at him. Even reaper one, tears streaking down his bare-bone cheeks.

  Reaper two looked at me. “You see a dead scout around here?”

  I pointed to aisle six.

  “Thanks, man.”

  Reaper two floated away, and reaper one collapsed in a sobbing heap of ugly cry on top of DeeDee. “Hurrrrr. Hurrrrr. Hurrrrrrrrr. It isn't fair. He never does anything right, and he still has a job!”

  Reaper two must have heard him, because he shot him a really mean look. Like, really mean. So bad, that even though he didn't have a face, I could tell. He grumbled. “What goes up, must come down, jerk.”

  “Aaaaaah!” That was me. Yeah. I Screamed. Top of my lungs, because something bit into my toe, and the way this night was going, it could be anything. It was my employee manual. It held tight to my Puma, growling.

  The grim reaper turned around and just stared at me with his empty bone eye sockets. In silence. My legs felt like cooked spaghetti. It's like he was boring into my soul. Waiting.

  “I uh.” I tugged at my collar. Because no pressure. It's only the grim reaper staring at you. Because you screamed like a terrified gopher. “Uh. I couldn't help but overhear. It'll be okay, man. I got fired, and my girlfriend dumped me, too. I had to move back in with my parents. I felt like my life was over. But it wasn't.”

  Stupid mouth. Sure. Go ahead. Relay my failures in front of Death and DeeDee. “Don't be sad. It'll be okay. It'll all work out. You'll see.”

  The reaper rubbed the tears off his cheek. “Really?”

  “Really.”

  The reaper wrapped his bony arms around me and squeezed. “That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to meeeeeeeeeeee.”

  Brrrrrrr. He was cold, like hugging an iceberg. I didn't know how DeeDee endured it for so long.

  He sniffled, then he said, “You guys are so nice. Thanks for making me feel at home. So uh. Which way is my room? Where should I put my stuff?”

  His bone finger pointed to the door, and a beat up duffle bag appeared on the doormat.

  “Room?” My voice shook.

  I didn't know what to say. DeeDee didn't say anything either. Her eyebrows hit her hairline.

  “Woah woah woah. Did I hear you right? No. No way.” Kevin stomped right on up to the reaper. “No room for you. This is a gate and a store, not a hotel. You can't stay here. Hit the road.”

  The reaper recoiled.

  “Kevin!” DeeDee shot him a look. The look. The “how could you be so mean? Let's talk about this” look. “Thomistic philosophy says angels appear to show us divine reality. We should be open—”

  “Stuff it, chica. You can shove that philosophy degree straight up your butt,” Kevin said. “We can't have a reaper hanging around here. It's bad for bus—”

  Crunch.

  Kevin was mid-word when the reaper's big bony foot came down right on top of him. Hard.

  DeeDee's hands went over her mouth.

  “Wow. Did you guys see the size of that roach? You really need to call an exterminator,” the reaper said. “Yuck. I hate roaches. They give me the creeps.”

  The reaper rubbed his foot on the floor mat to get the Kevin off. Kevin lay on the linoleum. He didn't move.

  DeeDee dropped to her knees and put her ear to his chest. Then she looked at me with pink, wet eyes, and said, “he's dead.”

  Chapter 3

  DeeDee held the remains of Kevin to her chest and cried. I sat next to her, stunned. This can't be happening. Kevin? Dead? Stomped to death like a common roach? No. No way.

  My mind raced. What do I do? I have to do something! Call 911. Yes!

  Wait. Would paramedics respond to an emergency call for a cockroach? Probably not. Shit.

  “Why are you guys so upset?” The reaper asked. “It's just a roach.”

  “He wasn't just a roach! He was my manager and my friend.” I didn't realize how true it was until I screamed it. Sure, he was a pain in the ass, but I couldn't imagine life without him. Not anymore. An icy cold weighed in my gut. I felt heavy. Sinking. Numb.

  The reaper leaned in to get a closer look at Kevin. “Oh. Wow. I'm sorry. I didn't realize. Geesh, guys. I mean, I thought he was just a really big, disgusting roach.”

  “Well, he is.” Angel wobbled out between the bags of Zapp's. “Still, I can't believe he just committed an unauthorized reaping when's he's already under investigation. Maybe the rumors are true. I didn't want to believe it. Hurrrr. Hurrrr. Hurrrrr.”

  “Help us!”

  Angel looked away, but another angel answered the call. A fallen one, but still. Faust stepped out of the stockroom, carrying a fresh batch of posters. He took one look at Kevin, and said, “Again? Oh, my. This will never do.”

  He snapped his fingers, and the chime on the front door dinged. A rush of cold air swept over me. My fists balled up with rage. Another monster? Now? SERIOUSLY? I swung around, ready to unleash my rage sadness on whatever beast was unlucky enough to step in, but it was Doc. He stood in the doorway, brows furrowed, carrying a small purple bag. “We have no time to waste! Places, everyone. Where is Bug Man? ”

  He zeroed in on DeeDee, still cradling Kevin. He shooed me and the reaper out of the way. He sprinkled a weird white powder on the floor, into the shape of a circle with lots of scrolly designs at the edges. He arranged small white candles around the outside. When everything was just so, he lit the candles, looked at DeeDee and said, “You know what t
o do.”

  She does? Then he looked at me, like I knew what to do. Wait, did he mean “you” as in DeeDee or “you” as in all of us?

  DeeDee laid Kevin's body in the middle of the weird powdery circle and pulled out her fuzzy purple employee manual. It opened on its own, pages ruffling, as if by magic. Doc reached under Kevin's body and pulled his employee manual out of. Huh. I don't know where. Then it opened up on its own, by magic. He looked at me, waiting.

  And waiting.

  “What?”

  His brows wrinkled together. “We need yours, too.”

  “I'm not touching that thing!” I shrieked.

  I'm not proud of the sound. But, hello. Stressed! My boss is dead and my employee manual was alive—mobile, angry, very bitey—and beelining toward the pyramid of 2-Liters by the beer cave. Because the damn thing moves on its own!

  I hesitated.

  “Do it, or Kevin is lost to us for eternity!” Doc yelled, “Go! Page thirty three, New Man. Quickly. We have no time to waste!”

  So I went. I followed that rabid book down the aisle, despite a numb body and fumbling feet. It saw me coming and crawled faster. Spine opening and closing, pulling itself across the linoleum.

  Jesus. Was this my life? Really? Chasing an angry magic book across a doomed convenience store so I can resurrect a dead cockroach? When did things go so far off the rails?

  Doc and DeeDee's voices rose behind me. Chanting in tandem. “Ortum exsurge a tenebris domain. Kevin veni ad nos in domum suam. Corpus tuum incolunt iterum vivere.”

  Or something like that. They chanted it over and over, their voices mingling together into one long, low, constant buzz.

  “Chant, New Man!” Doc snipped. “Page thirty three! Three must say the words, or they will not work!”

  “I'm on it.”

  For once, I wasn't lying. I had that book cornered, and it knew it. Its cover furrowed like it was looking back at me. My palms were covered in sweat, my mouth ran dry. The book looked at me. Then, it veered right and tried to make a break for the stockroom. I lunged. I missed. I panicked. And I flopped. Literally, a full belly flop. I smacked face first, flat on the floor. Ow. But worth it. My pudge covered a lot of ground laid out flat. Trust me.