And said: It is still unripe,
Better wait awhile:
Wait while the skylarks pipe,
Till the corn grows brown.
I have to stop and make a comment here, DSF. I didn’t tell you about what happened with Todd. I only reported on the agonizing break up with Rick. But there’s a whole different story about Todd. Rick took me to dinner up in Newport Beach and if you can believe it, Doug was the valet when we parked the car! Doug convinced Rick that we should stop by a party at Tracy’s house and Todd was there. I’d only seen Todd twice since our big trip to Maui and he’s only called a few times. I honestly thought that if Todd really cared about me, he’d say something to me at the party. But he didn’t. (Todd! You drive me crazy!!!!)
I stayed at my aunt and uncle’s house and the next morning I couldn’t sleep so I went for a lonely walk on the beach and guess who was out on the beach too? Yes. Of course. Todd!! He came and sat by me. I pulled out all the courage I had and I told Todd how I felt about him. He said I should be free to go out with whomever I wanted and that it was selfish of him to try to hold on to me and wait for me to grow up.
It was just like this poem! I held my heart out and Todd basically said it wasn’t ripe. It just about killed me. Wait, here’s the rest of the poem:
As you set it down it broke—
Broke, but I did not wince;
I smiled at the speech you spoke,
At your judgment that I heard:
But I have not often smiled
Since then, nor questioned since,
Nor cared for corn-flowers wild,
Nor sung with the singing bird.
I take my heart in my hand,
O my God, O my God,
My broken heart in my hand:
Thou hast seen, judge Thou.
My hope was written on sand,
(Is this my life, or what? “My hope was written on sand.”)
O my God, O my God;
Now let Thy judgment stand—
Yea, judge me now.
This contemned of a man,
This marred one heedless day,
This heart take Thou to scan
Both within and without:
Refine with fire its gold,
Purge Thou its dross away—
Yea hold it in Thy hold,
Whence none can pluck it out.
I take my heart in my hand—
I shall not die, but live—
Before Thy face I stand;
I, for Thou callest such
All that I have I bring,
All that I am I give,
Smile Thou and I shall sing
But shall not question much.
Every time I read this poem I know I’ll remember that morning on the beach with Todd. I didn’t tell you what happened after that. Todd told me he was going to Oahu. Yes, Oahu as in Hawai’i. He left the next day and is staying with his friend Kimo. I know I thought I would never see Todd again when he moved to his mom’s in Florida. Now it really seems like he’s gone for good. I wish I could tell you how I feel about that, but I’m not sure. I feel like Christina said in this poem, that I’m turning over my broken heart to God and I’ll wait on Him and trust Him.
October 22
Dearest, Kindest, Gentlest of All Silent Friends,
I think you’d like my English teacher. I really like the kinds of assignments she’s been giving us. First she gave us that poetry assignment where I discovered Christina Rossetti and now we have to write about friends. Maybe I should write about you! The joys of trusting all your secrets to a Dear Silent Friend.
Here are some of the quotes from the paper she gave us with the assignment:
“Friendship? Yes, please!” Charles Dickens
“My treasures are my friends.” Constantine
“Friendship is rarer than love and more enduring.” Jeremy Taylor
“The language of friendship is not words, but meanings. It is an intelligence above language.” Henry David Thoreau
“The only way to have a friend is to be one.” Ralph Waldo Emerson
“Friendship is like a sheltering tree.” Samuel Taylor Coleridge
“There is no friend like an old friend,
who has shared our morning days,
no greeting like his welcome,
no homage like his praise.” Oliver Wendell Holmes
I’d like to add my own thought about friendship:
“Friends come and go, but true, forever friends are never further away than the secret corner of your heart.” Christina Juliet Miller
November 1
Okay, laugh now, DSF, and avoid the rush.
I agreed to join the ski club with Katie and now we’re going on a trip over Thanksgiving to Lake Tahoe. I know, I know. Me on skis. This ought to be interesting.
We’re trying to sell candy bars to raise money for our trip and Katie keeps eating all of hers. I took some to work and Jon was so nice! He let me put them out at the cash register and people are actually buying them! I do have the nicest boss ever. He’s a unique guy, but he’s been very understanding lately.
November 9
Hello there, DSilentF!
Tonight at youth group Luke asked us to write out what we’re thankful for. Here’s my list:
I’m thankful for my parents, this house, my health, and all the blessings God has given us, like food and clothes. I’m thankful for my friends and . . . I’m thankful for Todd. And Rick. And Katie. And for my job, my church, my relationship with Jesus, and the way I can talk with Him anytime and anywhere.
That’s what I wrote. I was a little surprised that both Todd and Rick made the list since both of them have vanished from my life. But then I realized that what I’m thankful for is what I’ve learned from both of them. Not that it was always easy or fun. I’m not thankful for the pain. But I’m thankful for the experiences I gained.
November 28
Well, DSF. I saw Rick.
He came by with Doug on Sunday. I was asleep on the couch because I was so tired from the ski trip, which, by the way, was an entire adventure in itself. First I’ll tell you about Rick. He barely looked at me. He was getting a ride back to college with Doug and since Doug wanted to stop by my house, Rick had to come, too.
I think Rick is going to be one of those guys where it’s all or nothing. Either I’m completely devoted to him or I’m on his list of people to ignore. I wish it wasn’t like that. That’s one of the things I like about Todd. He’s the same with everybody all the time. Todd takes his friendships seriously. Although, what am I saying? Todd, the great silent one—even more silent than you right now—is still in Hawai’i. I guess. Doug didn’t say anything about him, so I guess Todd is still over there surfing his little heart out. I wonder if he’s thought of me at all while he’s been there.
Rick noticed that I had Todd’s bracelet back on my wrist. I could tell he was pretty surprised about that. I wonder if he knows that I bought it back from the jewelry store where Rick hocked it? Or at least, I paid for about half of it. I don’t know who made the final payment for me. I’m still mad when I think about how Rick stole my Forever ID bracelet from me.
The only good part was that Rick is hanging out with a bunch of really strong Christians and it seems they’re having a good influence on him. I’m glad for that.
The strange part was that I didn’t really feel anything deep inside when I saw him. I mean, I felt a little nervous, but I didn’t feel all thrilled and eager for his attention the way I used to feel whenever I was around Rick or when he’d try to melt me with one of his looks. How can feelings change like that?
One thing that didn’t change this Thanksgiving vacation is my friendship with Katie. It was certainly
challenged a few times on this ski trip, but we ended up coming out of the experience much closer than we’ve ever been. I learned a lot about trusting the right people. Katie needed me to believe her and be on her side when these other girls on the trip were trying to get me to take their side against Katie. I didn’t stick up for Katie at first; at least, not the way she wanted me to side with her. I wish I had. All I can say is that I’m glad she’s so forgiving and gracious as a friend.
The other big event on this ski trip was that I ran into the ski instructor. I mean I literally ran into him. I still can’t believe I’m such a klutz sometimes. I think I’d like to try skiing again, only I’d like to go at my own pace without a lot of other people I know watching me. It was fun. I guess.
November 30
Guess what I have, DSF?
A coconut from Hawai’i! Todd mailed me a coconut from Hawai’i and he wrote the reference to a Bible verse on it. He wrote “Phil.1:7.” The man at the post office told me I got something from “Phil” and I said I didn’t know anyone named Phil. It was so funny. Katie was with me and we cracked up. Then she figured out the Phil. meant the book of Philippians in the Bible. So we rushed home and looked it up and part of that verse says, “I hold you in my heart.”
Is that the most romantic thing you’ve ever heard? Here I thought Todd was long gone and he sends me a coconut and tells me in secret, romantic and holy language that he’s thinking of me. Todd holds me in his heart. Ahhhh. I hold him in my heart, too. But then, you knew that, didn’t you?
January 16
I missed you, Dear Silent Friend!
My family went to the mountains with Uncle Bob and Aunt Marti for Christmas and I wish I would have brought you with me. I did a lot of thinking and reflecting and I wish now that I had you with me so you could have taken those thoughts and held them for me. It’s been two weeks now and I’m afraid I’ve forgotten some of the things I was thinking about then.
I just can’t believe we’re already two weeks into this new year. All my teachers are giving us homework like crazy! I have a paper due for history on Friday and I haven’t started it yet. I ended up working extra hours last week at the pet store and it seems that as soon as I get home, I just crash. My room is such a mess. I don’t like being this behind in homework and this unorganized.
And now for the big news of why I’ve been so busy. Todd is back from Hawai’i! He got back on New Year’s Day and showed up at our party at my aunt and uncle’s house with leis and hugs for everyone. He had some pretty fantastic tales to tell of his adventures in Hawai’i.
We’ve seen each other three times since he got back and I think all my old feelings for him are as strong as ever. His birthday was two days ago and I made him a big batch of chocolate chip cookies and I got him a gift certificate at a sports store at the mall where they have stuff for skateboards because he said his skateboard needed new wheels. It was a good choice for a gift because he seemed to really like it.
For his birthday we went to see this art exhibit in Laguna Beach, which is not far from where he lives. They had a big display of all these old surfboards and other California beach memorabilia from the past 50 years. One of the old wooden surfboards had been made into a bench, which Todd thought was very cool. It wasn’t especially comfortable, but I agreed that it did look pretty cool in the corner where they had it under a fake palm tree with a set of bongo drums.
My mom was really nice. She went with me up to Newport Beach and went to dinner with Aunt Marti while Todd and I went to the exhibit. Then we all had birthday cake at Bob and Marti’s and my mom and I drove home. I would have loved to have stayed longer, but I’m happy that I got to be with Todd on his birthday. I think it was one of the funnest times Todd and I have ever had. And I wouldn’t be surprised if the next time I see him he tells me that he turned his old surfboard, Naranja, into a bench like the one we saw!
February 1
I need a new pair of shoes, DSF.
Aren’t you glad I told you? I only have one pair that I really like to wear and they’re coming apart on the side. I saw a pair I like, but I didn’t even try them on because they were too expensive. Now I have to decide if I want to try and find another pair somewhere, or if I should keep checking on this pair and wait for them to go on sale. If they went on sale for 60% off, I could afford them. But what are the chances of them being marked down that much, especially in the next few weeks? I know. I’m dreaming. I need to face reality and go find something else.
Now, if I asked my Aunt Marti to get them for me, I know she would and the price wouldn’t make her blink. But I don’t feel right about that. I know Marti likes to buy clothes for me and she never acts as if it’s a burden. I just don’t know how that makes my mom feel since Marti can afford to buy things that my parents can’t afford to buy. It’s more important to me that I be a good caretaker of the things I have than to collect more stuff. My parents have taught me that. My dad fixes things when they break rather than going out and buying a new one to replace it. My mom has fewer clothes than anyone I know but she always looks nice and she never complains. I think there’s a sort of dignity that comes with making do with whatever you have.
But I still definitely need a new pair of shoes. Definitely.
April 4
Do you hear the wind, DSF?
It’s been stormy for five days now. Wet and cold and gray. We used to have spring days like this in Wisconsin but I don’t remember having this much rain since we moved here. It’s kind of depressing.
May 28
Hello, DSF.
My life has been full of school, church, work, friends. Sorry I haven’t checked in with you more. Yesterday was Katie’s birthday and we had a huge party at this pizza place called Sam’s. I planned it as a surprise and invited everyone I could think of from school and church. I told Katie I wanted to take her out for her birthday and that it would be my treat but all I could afford was Sam’s. I don’t know if she had some suspicions or not, but she went along without any complaints. I told her I wanted to see something in the back room. She followed me in and everyone jumped up and said surprise. It was great!
We had a gummy worm fight from this bag of gummies that one of the guys brought and we threw those wiggly worms all over the place. I got one in my hair and Katie got one down her shirt. The gross ones were the ones they licked to make them stick on the wall and then picked them back up again and threw at people.
Todd and Doug came and they said they tried to talk Rick into coming but he had a date. Are we surprised? Todd and Doug and Rick are all roommates in San Diego. Yes, that one is surprising. One never knows what relationships are going to come back around again. Don’t be quick to burn any bridges, right?
June 11
Dear Friend of Silence,
Tomorrow is the last day of school. My junior year went by way too fast! I think it was my hardest year as far as the amount of homework and trying to balance school and job and friends and everything. I’m feeling real melancholy tonight. It’s like something is missing because I don’t have anything to particularly look forward to this summer.
Two summers ago was when I came to California to stay with Bob and Marti. Last summer Paula came and we ended up going to Maui. This summer there is absolutely nothing on the schedule. Not even a family vacation. And who knows how much I’ll get to see Todd since he said he’s going to be working this summer and maybe taking a summer school class.
It all feels so uneventful. Katie wants to go to summer camp with the church youth group. I think that’s sounding more and more like a good idea. I’m going to talk to Luke about it and see if I can still sign up to go.
My brother is playing Little League softball and he got a two-base hit last week. I think it was the highlight of his life. David is still a pest, but as he’s getting older, he’s getting more tolerable. I think he might turn into a fairly nice kid
by the time he gets to high school. However, by then, I’ll be off to college and I won’t see him much. Isn’t it funny that I’m even thinking of that now? And that I’m feeling sad about not being around my brother when he’s in high school? I told you I was feeling melancholy.
July 10
DSF, will you remind me to get more details upfront from Katie next time she comes up with a great idea?
I can’t believe this. Katie talked me into going to camp and now she’s not going. The worst part is that I thought we were going to be the campers when she dreamed up this event. But no. She signed us up to be counselors and so yours truly is going to be a camp counselor and Katie Weldon, the big flake, is staying home.
Actually, it’s not her fault. And she’s not really a flake. Her parents are funny about Katie being involved in a lot of church activities. When they found out the camp was a church camp, they didn’t want her to go. I admire her for honoring her parents’ decision, even when it seems like an unfair and/or pointless decision. Katie has more patience than I think I would have under the same circumstances.
The thing is, when Katie submits herself to her parents’ decisions, I’ve seen God do His “God-things” in her life. (That’s what Katie calls it when things happen that you can’t explain and you look back at it and all you can say is that God did that. That’s why it’s a God thing.) It’s like God blesses Katie in a special way for her obedience. That’s why I can’t be too frustrated at her for backing out of camp. It’s not exactly her choice or her fault and I want to support her in her difficult decision to honor her parents (I can’t believe I’m saying this), even when it’s difficult for me, too.
July 21
Back from Camp Wildwood, DSF!
Christy Miller's Diary Page 4