You should have been there! Actually, I’m glad I didn’t take you. The girls in my cabin would have discovered you the first day there, read all my secrets on your pages and then tortured me the rest of the week.
Yes, it’s good that you stayed home.
It was an interesting week. That’s the only word that comes to mind when I try and describe it. I learned that I’m not exactly the camp counselor type of person, although I was much better at it by the end of the week than I was the first few days. I also learned that red ant bites are about the most torturous of all experiences. I was attacked by a whole army of red ants the last day when I hid inside a hollowed-out tree stump for the camp counselor hunt. My legs were covered with bites. And I mean covered. It was awful. I spent the last night in the infirmary.
My favorite song from camp was one Doug and Todd sang when Katie and I visited their God Lovers Bible Study in San Diego a few weeks ago. It’s from a verse in the Bible:
Eye has not seen
Ear has not heard
Neither has it entered the heart of man
The things God has prepared
For those who love Him.
July 23
Dear SF,
Katie called while I was writing my last entry and then I had to go to work so I never finished it. I wanted to write more about camp because some good things happened there. The best of all was when Sara came to visit me in the infirmary and she said she wanted to give her heart to the Lord. Here I’d been trying to “preach” at these girls all week and thought I’d failed and then little Sara decides she wants to become a Christian and she comes to the infirmary to ask me to pray with her. It was amazing.
The other amazing thing was what I learned about myself with guys. I know. I talk about guys all the time, don’t I? And I don’t think of myself as being boy-crazy or anything. It’s just that I’m learning. And as I go along, I want to remember what I’ve learned so I don’t keep repeating the same mistakes. The sort of mistake I made at camp was with Jaeson. I spent way too much time focusing on him and playing out a role of being his summer camp crush. It wasn’t terrible or anything. The canoe ride he took me on was very fun and memorable. What I learned is that I’m so open to whatever comes my way that some stuff comes rushing into my life and I don’t discern at the moment if it’s a good thing or not. I don’t decide ahead of time what I want or what’s important. I mostly let things happen, and then I evaluate it later. I guess that’s what I’m doing now.
And my evaluation is that I should have realized at the beginning of the week that Jaeson was the kind of guy who had a different girlfriend every week at camp, so when he started showing interest in me, it was simply because I was his choice for a girlfriend for that week. If I’d realize that, I probably would have still hung out with him and gone on the canoe ride and everything, but I wouldn’t have gobbled up the attention as if it actually meant anything to him.
Does that make sense? It’s like it’s okay to develop short-term friendships as long as I realize at the beginning that it’s just a blip on the screen of my life. I don’t need to make such a big deal of everything.
My mom wants me to help her fix dinner tonight so I better go. She says I don’t know how to cook and it’s time I learned a few things before I grow up and leave the house. She says if I had to move out now, all I’d know how to fix would be scrambled eggs and toast. I didn’t tell her this, but the scrambled eggs reminded me of when I made breakfast for Todd on the beach and the seagulls came and scarfed all the scrambled eggs. I think it’s about time Todd and I tried another breakfast on the beach and this time we’ll keep the birds away.
August 12
Greetings on a very hot night, DSF!
I have a big box fan aimed at me right now but it is still so hot in my room that I don’t know if I’ll be able to get to sleep. It’s the middle of August and the weather man said on the news tonight that we broke a record today for high temperatures. On the news they said the last time it was this hot in Escondido in August was in 1934 or something like that. My hand is sticking to the pages as I write this.
Yuck! It’s too hot!
My aunt has planned an end of the summer outing. She and my uncle rented a houseboat at Lake Shasta and we’re going in a week and a half. Todd is coming!!!!! So are Katie and Doug. This is going to be the best trip ever! I have to admit I do love being spoiled by my aunt. She really gets into planning my social life for me and even though it bugs me sometimes, I realize what a treat it is to be able to go fun places and do fun things like this with my friends.
Todd called last night. I was saying how the future seems like such a mystery. I’m about to begin my senior year of high school and I can’t figure out how I got to this last year so fast. Todd is about to start his sophomore year of college and he needs to make some solid decisions about classes and his major. Then Todd said, “I’m glad that God has plans, even when we don’t, because God is ‘prior.’ Wherever we’re going, He’s already been there.”
I liked that. God is “prior.” He’s already been there. He has charted a path for us to follow. The dearest desire of my heart is that I stay on that path and not go off on my own trail and waste any of my life on a trail that’s not God’s preferred choice for me.
September 4
I only have a minute, DSF,
But I had to tell you my wonderful news. Todd and I are officially together. We had this very romantic talk our first morning at Lake Shasta and we decided the next step for us is to be a couple and to start going together. It’s been sooooo wonderful!
He’s coming this weekend to take me out. I can’t wait to see him. We had such a great time on the houseboat. He is so amazing. I care about him more than I can say. We’ve come so far; waited so long to be at this next level in our relationship. I don’t think I’ve ever been happier. I think Todd is happy, too. I feel like our relationship gets stronger the more we each grow closer to God. Isn’t that amazing?
I was trying to explain it the other day to my mom and I didn’t have the right words. It’s a lovely mystery.
Today is the first day of my senior year and I have to hurry. Katie and I are riding together and you know how Katie doesn’t like to wait for anything.
September 8
DSF,
I’m so worried about Katie. We met this guy from Ireland the first day of school and I think she’s fallen for him in a big way.
September 17
Katie and Michael are together now. I don’t feel good about this. Todd and I met them at the movies last week and we all went together and then out for pie afterwards and I really don’t think Michael is a believer. What is Katie thinking?
September 28
Hi there, Dear Silent Friend,
We celebrated my dad’s birthday today and I got him a flashlight. I know. It sounds like a really dull present, but he liked it. Todd suggested I give my dad a really personal card and so I ended up writing out the assignment I did for English where I described my dad. He read it and got all teared up. Then my mom started to cry and I got all teary eyed, too. Todd was right. He said that dads like to hear every now and then that they’re doing something right. My dad really liked it.
It made me think about my heavenly Father. I don’t often tell Him how I feel about Him. I know He loves me, even though I don’t think I’ll ever understand how much. And I love Him, even though I don’t think I’ll ever be able to fully tell Him how much.
Heavenly Father,
I want to take the time now to tell you how much I love you. It’s not enough to just realize that I don’t tell you. I need to tell you. You are awesome, God. You created the heavens and the earth and all that is in them, and yet you care about people. You care about what happens to us and more than that, You want to have a relationship with us.
Thank you God, for seek
ing me out and pursing a relationship with me. I love you so much. I look back on my life and see so many times when you were at work doing your God things, even though at the time, I didn’t recognize what was going on. You have done so much for me.
Thank you. I love the way you comfort me and give me your peace in rough times. You provide for all my needs and so many of my wishes, sometimes even before I wish them. It’s amazing to me that you care that much about me.
Thank you so much, Lord. Thank you.
October 4
Do you like your new shelf, DSF?
Can you still smell the fresh paint? It’s supposed to be dry, but when I came in my room after the door had been closed all day, I could smell the paint. I bought your new bookshelf at a yard sale last week and Todd helped me paint it at Bob and Marti’s house. It fits perfectly in the corner of my room. Every time I look at it I feel warm and content inside. Just a few minutes ago I was remembering the silly little paintbrush fight we had while we were painting it. See my face? I’m smiling at the memory.
Things are so great with Todd right now. He is such an amazing guy. Sometimes I feel as if my heart is so full of appreciation and admiration for him that if I added one more pinch, my heart would burst. Sometimes I wonder if this is love. How do you know if you’re really in love? How much of our feelings are we supposed to figure out and how much are we just supposed to feel?
I feel deliriously happy tonight. Happy to be alive and well. God seems so close right now. When we went on the houseboat, Todd and I went out in the raft the first morning and the sky was so beautiful! Todd quoted this verse in Nahum that said, “The clouds are the dust of His feet.” Now whenever I look up and see fluffy clouds, I think that God has been walking across the skies.
A few months ago there was a guest speaker at church and he taught on this one verse about how the Spirit of God roams the face of the earth looking for just one person who will be obedient and faithful to Him.
That’s what I think of when I see the clouds. The Spirit of God is roaming the earth again, seeking the few who love Him above all else. I want to be one of those few obedient, faithful God Lovers. I feel as if I have so far to go and so much to learn. I want to not only read my Bible but I want to study it more. I want to go deeper in my relationship with the Lord so that when He speaks in His still, small whisper I’ll hear Him.
January 6
I’m sorry, DSF.
I have neglected you. How long has it been since I slipped between your covers? Three months? I’ve missed you.
It’s not possible for me to catch you up on everything that’s been happening, but I do want to make a few “markers” so I’ll remember this season of my life.
Katie and I have gone through our biggest testing time ever. Katie has a boyfriend. Michael. And she’s changed. A lot. I feel as if she and I are miles apart. I’ve been sooooooo busy with school and work and church and Todd and my family that I haven’t put the kind of effort into keeping things close with Katie. We had such a fantastic friendship. I don’t want to let it go.
The other thing I want to write down so I remember is that I’ve been enjoying being on the yearbook staff and taking pictures. It’s a lot work and a lot of hassle and this guy, Fred, drives me crazy, but all in all, I like it.
Todd has been telling me all along to pray about Katie, and I have been, but I don’t see anything changing. She and Michael keep getting closer and she and I keep moving further and further apart. It’s depressing.
Todd’s birthday is coming up on the 14th and I don’t know what to get him. He and I have talked about what to do and nothing seems to be working out. That’s depressing me, too. I don’t want his birthday to slip by without us being able to do something memorable together. I don’t think his birthdays were ever a big deal when he was growing up and that’s just sad. We have to celebrate somehow.
May 13
Dearest Silent Friend, I’m so glad I can talk to you.
I just spent the last hour or so reading all through this diary and I’m amazed at how much my life has changed. So much has happened. I’m glad you’ve been there for me for all these years. You may be silent, but when I go back and read all these secrets you’ve held for me, it’s as if you’re speaking all over again into the deep corners of my heart. I see God at work in my life.
And tonight I needed to see that. I did something today that I think I’ll end up regretting, or at least second guessing for a long time.
I broke up with Todd.
I know. I can’t believe I’m just sitting here telling you this and that I’m not falling apart. I feel numb.
There’s a reason I let go of my end of the rope in our relationship. Todd received an invitation to finally go on an extended missions outreach with a group he’d contacted some time ago. It’s what he’s always wanted to do. And he wasn’t going to go because we’re together now and things have been so great. That’s why I had to be the one to break up, to let him go, because I don’t think he would have done it.
I gave him back the Forever bracelet when we were at the beach watching the sunset. He crumbled to the sand and he cried. He cried, DSF! I can’t begin to tell you how I feel right now. See these tear drops? They’re mine. And they’re only the beginning. I can’t believe all this happened tonight. I’m still numb.
We barely talked on the ride home. And then he walked me to the door and turned and left. No good-bye kiss, no wishes for our future. Just good-bye!
Oh, what have I done? What was I thinking? I felt so sure this is what God wanted me to do. But why? And if it was what God truly wanted, then would it hurt this much?
I feel exhausted. I want to tell you more of what I’m feeling, but I can’t right now.
June 24
I’m writing this with a hesitant hand, DSF.
The reason I say that is because I’m not sure I trust myself to write out my feelings at the moment. They’ve been so mixed up the past few weeks.
Todd left.
He never called. Never said a special good-bye. He just left. Sometimes I’m sure I did the right thing. Other times, like right now, I ache, thinking that I made the biggest mistake of my life. I’ve plotted a hundred ways to get him back but I haven’t followed through on any of my schemes.
This whole phase of our lives feels like it’s bigger than me. Bigger than both of us. It’s as if this is about something else. A test maybe? Is God testing us to see if we really mean it when we tell Him we love Him more than anything or anyone else? Or is all this just a self-inflicted torture that didn’t really need to happen? I mean, did I really hear God? Or in a deep, unidentified way, did I really want to let Todd go? Was I feeling panicked about getting too close or about being too absorbed with Todd when I have all these other life-changing decisions to make, like where am I going to go to college in the fall? What do I want to be when I grow up?
I don’t know. I’m second-guessing myself on everything. I freak out for a while and then I get this calming peace and I know that God is still in control. Let me remind myself of that again.
GOD IS IN CONTROL.
He still has a plan He’s working out. He’s still prior to anything I decide or anything I do. He’s God.
The most confusing element of this is Doug. He’s suddenly in my life in a big way as if he can now step in and take Todd’s place. I appreciate all the kind attention, but I can’t figure out what exactly is going on with him.
I’ve got to go to work. I’ll scatter all the rest of my insecurities across another one of your pages in a day or two. You can hold them for me, if you don’t mind. Then maybe someday down the road I’ll come back and read these crazy words and it will make sense. Or maybe it still won’t all make sense. But at least I’ll know that in the midst of it all I was trying to trust God. Trying to understand and do the right thing.
June 26
Hello there, DSF!
I imagine after the last few entries you might have thought that I’d never have another happy word to write. But today I do. Katie and I went to the beach together this afternoon, just the two of us and we had the best time! She broke up with Michael a couple months ago. I never told you, did I? It was around the same time that I was breaking up with Todd and I guess that took first place over Katie’s broken heart.
She and I call ourselves the “widow-women” and that allows us to treat ourselves to afternoons at the beach and movies we both like to cry at with an extra large tub of buttered popcorn between us.
Next weekend my family is flying back to Wisconsin for my grandparents’ fiftieth wedding anniversary. It’s the first vacation we’ve all been able to take together in a long time. I’m looking forward to it. The only thing I’m not looking forward to is the possibility of seeing Paula. I haven’t had any communication with her for so long. It’s going to be very strange seeing her again.
July 3
Dear SF.
What is love? How does a person know if they are truly in love? What makes love last? I think it’s important to think through some of these things and decide what’s important to me.
Tonight my grandparents celebrated their fiftieth wedding anniversary at the church where I grew up. I asked them how they knew they were in love and how they knew who was the right person to marry. They gave me several answers. Grandma says love is a one-time decision followed by lots of everyday small choices that build on that original decision. Grandpa was kind of funny. He said it has to do with what you have in common.
Christy Miller's Diary Page 5