To All the Cowboys I've Loved Before

by D. R. Graham

  “Probably, but not before Friday. The only way to screw them at this point is to pay off the debt.” She glances at me before she turns onto the driveway. “The town will pull together if you want to ask for help.”

  “They wouldn’t be able to raise a hundred thousand by Friday.”

  “Every little bit will help.”

  I don’t respond.

  It’s obvious she wants to say something else but doesn’t until she stops in front of the barn to drop me off. “I know you think it was all my fault that we broke up.”

  Really? She wants to go there when I’ve got a shit ton of other problems on my mind? I close my eyes and take a deep breath. “You cheated.”

  “I know I cheated, but have you ever thought about why I did it? There were two of us in the relationship. When things got hard, you stopped talking to me. You shut me out and pushed me away. That’s why I panicked.”

  “What difference does it make? We’re ancient history. I don’t want to talk about it.”

  “Taking off on Della at the rodeo was a shitty thing to do. She drove all that way out there to see you and you shut her out because you were in a bad mood. That’s exactly what you did to me. And sorry for getting in your business, but I just thought maybe you wouldn’t want to make the same mistakes again.”

  What the hell? “Della was at the rodeo?”

  “Yeah, dummy. And she started to cry when you abandoned her there.”

  I glance at her and jump out of the truck. “Thanks for the ride.”

  Damn it. Della must think I’m a complete dick. I hate to admit it, but Tracy’s right. I did push her away. I know that. I’ve always known that, even though it was easier to blame her for cheating than admit that I played a part in it. But I didn’t mean to push Della away. I didn’t even know she was there.

  I grab the banister and lunge to head up to the loft to call her but then stop because Chuck steps out of the tack room.

  “Hey, buddy,” he says with a big grin. “What do you want me to do? I’m all yours until tomorrow night. I’d stay longer, but I gotta to go back for Cavendish’s class on Wednesday.” He winks and points at me. “Word on the street is she kicks assholes out if they don’t show up for her lectures.”

  At first, I don’t know what to say because I’m surprised he would drive out to help. “Did Della send you?”

  “Sorta. She hinted at it like sixty-five times before I finally clued in that she wanted me to offer to lend a hand.” He laughs and picks up a shovel to muck a stall. “I’m still slow on the uptake, but I’m trying to think of other people. Which reminds me.” He reaches into his shirt pocket and hands me a folded check. “I told my dad what you’ve been going through and asked him for a loan. This is all he would give me. Hopefully it helps.”

  The check is made out for twenty thousand dollars. I’m stunned. “Wow. Thanks, man. I appreciate it.” I cross the floor to hug him. The sentimentality makes him uncomfortable, so he shoves me away and throws a rough-housing punch at my shoulder.

  “You’re welcome.”

  “I’ll pay your dad back as soon as I can.” I glance at the check again in shock. I can already imagine Della’s face glowing with pride from whipping Chuck into a half-decent human being. “I’m sorry I got on your case about Della. I was wrong.”

  “It’s fine.” He punches me again. “We’re cool.”

  “Thanks. I’ll be right back. I just need to make a quick phone call.”

  He nods. “Tell her I’ve been working my ass off, and I’m the best ranch hand you’ve ever had.”

  “I’ll tell her you showed up. You’ll have to prove the rest,” I grin as I take the stairs two at a time.

  Chapter 29

  Della

  As I’m heading to class, Easton calls. Yikes. I’m not prepared for this. Maybe he’s calling to apologize about the rodeo. Or maybe he’s not sorry that he left without acknowledging me. Maybe he’s mad that I showed up in the first place. Or maybe Tracy was lying. Either way, I want to know. But I might end up in tears, and I don’t want to miss more school due to emotional instability. Avoid? It’s going to go to voicemail if I don’t decide quick. Just do it, Della. Like a bandage. Find out where you stand. “Hi.”

  “Hi. You were at the Madera rodeo?”

  “Uh, yes. Sorry if I was a distraction. I hope that’s not why you fell off and got injured. I should have called you to ask if you wanted me there.”

  “I did want you there. I didn’t know you were there.”

  “Oh. Tracy said you did. Did she lie?”

  “Not exactly. I’m so sorry. It’s my fault. I told her you were there, even though I thought you weren’t, because I didn’t want her to think we weren’t together. But then you really were there, which I only just found out, and she said you were crying because you thought I bailed without talking to you. If I had known you were there I would have stayed. You know that, right?”

  “Yes. Maybe. I thought I did.” I massage my temple with the heel of my hand. “Lately, I’m confused about everything.”

  With unwavering certainty, he says, “I love you, Della. Don’t ever doubt that. And I will try to see you every chance I get, if you want me to.”

  “Really?” I abruptly stop walking, and the guy behind me has to quickly side-step to avoid bowling me over. Okay. Wait. What? I literally stuck a sticky note on my mirror that has It’s never going to happen. Give it up, Della written on it to condition my feelings to turn off. Now my brain is jammed up with the mixed messages, and my heart is trying to hammer through my chest. “So, would you be open to trying to date long-distance to see how it goes?”

  “That’s what I want. I just can’t promise anything until I find out what’s going to happen with the ranch. Can we sit down and talk about everything after my meeting at the bank on Friday?”

  I lean against a tree, hugging myself with one arm to contain the excitement inside. “I’d like that. Very much.”

  “I wish I could drive out to see you right now, but it will have to wait until after Friday. Pray for a miracle before then. We need all the help we can get.”

  “Um, speaking of help. I did something without asking you first that I assumed would be helpful, but after I did it I started to worry that my brilliant idea will mean more work for you. I didn’t consider whether it was really the help you needed or the help I assumed you needed. It’s too late to cancel the surprise now, though.” My eyebrows crease together as I slide down the trunk of the tree and sit on the grass. “He’s probably almost already there.”

  “Chuck?”

  “Yeah.” I wince. “Sorry. He’s probably a nightmare to supervise. I hope he doesn’t end up causing more problems.”

  “He won’t. He knows his way around a ranch. It was a good idea. And I can definitely use the extra set of hands. Not that getting the work done will matter if the bank forces us to forfeit on Friday.”

  “How much is still owing?”

  “More than what you have in your savings account, so don’t get any bright ideas.”

  Hmm. Uh oh. I stand and start walking again. “So, I wish I could talk longer, but I need to get to class since my grades took a tiny slip. One more thing before I go.” My eyes dart around as if I’m avoiding eye contact, even though he can’t see me. “I kind of did one more thing without running it by you first. It’s already done, so there’s nothing either one of us can do about it now.”

  “What?”

  “I transferred seventy-five thousand dollars to your account. I love you. Bye.”

  Oh my goodness. Shoot. My heart is pounding in my throat from hanging up on him. He’s going to be so mad that I used all my savings to help him out. It’s the right thing to do, though. He’s too proud and stubborn to accept the money any other way. Hopefully he doesn’t hate me. Yulia worried it might make him feel like he can’t support his family, but I don’t look at it that way. Her other concern about how I was going to pay my own bills made more sense, but it’
s only a loan. I know he’ll pay me back, whether I ask him to or not, he will pay back every cent. Probably with interest. I know he’d insist on helping me if the roles were reversed. It’s the right thing to do, whether he agrees or not. Fingers crossed that my loan and Chuck’s dad’s loan are enough.

  I rush to class and sit down in my lecture hall, out of breath, then turn to the guy sitting next to me. “Would you feel emasculated if I gave you a seventy-five thousand dollar loan to save you from losing your property?”

  His eyes narrow, debating whether I’m insane. “No?” he says with a cautious tone as if he’s attempting to gauge which answer I was hoping to hear.

  “You’d feel grateful, right?”

  He nods with uncertainty. “Sure.”

  Forget it. It was the right thing to do, no matter what anyone else thinks. I care what Easton thinks, though. Please be man enough to not feel threatened by what I did. If he has too much pride to accept it, I’ll just have to convince him it takes courage to ask for and receive help.

  What if it isn’t enough to pay off the entire debt? They’ll still lose the ranch and he’ll resent me for my unsuccessful attempt to bail him out. Grr. Did I make a mistake? Maybe. But really, do I want to be with someone who can’t accept my support? That’s what a relationship is, right? Give and take. I’m strong when you need me and you’re strong when I need you. Fingers crossed on both hands that I didn’t screw things up immediately after they got unscrewed.

  I might as well not have gone to class. I didn’t pay attention to one word the instructor said. Everyone else took at least four pages of notes. I doodled a picture of Easton shirtless and swinging a sledgehammer. Oh well. I wonder if they need any baristas in Three Rivers. Or, I could make sandwiches at the racist Russian’s deli. But I’m only allowed in the country because I have a student Visa. Gonna have to at least go to community college to keep that. So complicated. While I go over my back-up options for when I flunk out of engineering, I pack up my bag and file out of the lecture hall behind my classmates. Maybe I should call Easton back and apologize for dropping the news and hanging up on him. That was rude. But necessary. Or, on second thought, it might be better to give him time to get used to the idea.

  “Della!” Janine waves from the steps of a building across the street, then jogs over to me.

  “Hi. You look happy,” I say as I hug her.

  “Ecstatic actually. I just found out that I got chosen for a residency in New York. I’ve always wanted to live there. I thought it would be a long shot, but I got the acceptance letter today.” She unfolds the official letter and shows it to me.

  “That’s fantastic. I’m so happy for you. When do you leave?”

  “At the end of the month.” She nods knowingly as if she can read my thoughts, but she doesn’t mention Chuck, so I don’t either. “I need to challenge one course before I go.”

  “What does that mean?”

  “The New York program wants me to have a specific stats course. I already took a similar stats class in second year and don’t want to re-take it. I requested to challenge the one New York recognizes as a prerequisite. All I need to do is take the final and prove that I know the content. Then I get the credit.”

  “Really? Can anyone in any department do that?”

  “I think so. You just need to make a request.”

  Interesting. “How would I go about doing that?”

  She digs through her purse and hands me a pamphlet. “This is the information they gave me at admissions. Ask for Sarah. She was really helpful.”

  “Thanks.” I feel giddy.

  “No problem. Where are you headed?”

  “Green library.”

  “I’ll walk with you. I have to go that way, too. How is BJ, by the way?” We start to walk in sync. “I heard he got expelled.”

  “He called to tell me he made it home safely. His mom and sisters are excited to have him there, and he’s going to be able to transfer most of his credits and finish his MBA at the University of Houston.”

  “That’s great. How’s Easton?”

  I shrug and take a sip from my water bottle. “We’ll know for sure on Friday if they’re going to lose the ranch or not. He’s pretty stressed.”

  “That sucks. If I had anything to lend him, I would. Hopefully it works out.” She glances at me as we cross the courtyard. “I know you’re dying to ask me whether you should tell Chuck that I’m moving away.”

  “I am. I didn’t want to bring it up if you didn’t want to talk about it. I’d prefer not to be the person who tells him, but I will if you think that’s best. If you don’t want him to know, I won’t say anything. Fair warning, though, I’m horrible at keeping secrets. There’s a high probability it will blurt out of my mouth without my consent at some inopportune moment.”

  She digs through her bag again and pulls out a granola bar. She offers the bar to me. “Bite?”

  “I’m okay thanks.”

  She breaks off a chunk of granola and pops it in her mouth. Eventually she says, “I’ll tell Chuck about New York. We dated for three years. He deserves a proper goodbye.”

  I nod and honestly feel sad for him. He has worked really hard to complete every assignment I’ve given him. And even though I still think the way he treated Janine can never be erased, he has changed. And the New York news is going to gut him. Hopefully it doesn’t make him regress back to who he used to be. He’s come so far.

  When we arrive at the library she points to the building across the street. “My next class is over there.”

  “We should go out for dinner to celebrate your residency. Are you free Thursday?” I ask.

  “Yeah. That would be great. I’ll pick you up at the house at seven and then that will give me a chance to talk to Chuck when I drop you off.” She exhales sharply. “That’s going to be a fun conversation. I might chicken out. If I do, I’ll write him a letter.”

  “Whatever works. Don’t torture yourself over it.”

  “See you Thursday.” She hugs me and then rushes away.

  My phone buzzes with a text. It’s from Easton: Thank you for the loan. I love you.

  So grateful that he has decided to accept it, I hug my phone to my chest and literally skip up the library steps. People are staring at me funny. I don’t care.

  Chapter 30

  Easton

  The bank manager has kept Dad and me waiting for more than half an hour. The ranch hands, Phil, and every member of Tracy’s family all chipped in a thousand dollars each. So, combined with Della and Chuck’s loans, and the earnings from the last auction, we have enough to cover the debt.

  It’s making me nervous that they’re forcing us to wait. Dad’s been pacing in the waiting area since we got here. He’s pissed that we had to ask our friends for the money, but whatever, it was either that or lose everything. My entire life was on the line—losing the ranch, all the memories of my mom, and Della. We had no choice. Just like we had no choice that Dad got cancer.

  I’ve been thinking about my relationship with him a lot. Seeing how Della is with Dad makes me miss the easiness I used to have with him when I was a kid. Before the accident. When Tracy pointed out the part I played in wrecking our relationship, it got me to thinking about how I’ve pushed a wedge between my dad and me, too. I’ve blamed him for a long time for killing Mom. And maybe I needed to at first. But it was an accident, and if he could have traded places with her he would have. I don’t want to hate him anymore, and I don’t want our relationship to be strained. We’ve both suffered long enough. Life’s too short.

  “Hey,” I say without looking at him.

  “What?”

  “I forgive you.”

  He stops pacing and turns to face me. His stare rests heavy on me as the full meaning of what I said sinks in. After a long silence he says, “Thank you.”

  I nod but keep staring down at my boots with my elbows rested on my knees. I should probably get up and hug him or something. But he would hate tha
t.

  He steps closer and cups the back of my neck. “Love you, kid.”

  “Love you, too, Pop.”

  With perfect timing, a woman crosses the floor and extends her hand in greeting to my dad, then she shakes my hand as I stand. “I’m Isla. I’m the district manager for the bank. I’m going to be handling your paperwork today. Sorry to keep you waiting, I wanted to review everything before we meet.”

  “Where’s Brad?” Dad asks.

  “He’s been removed from your account.”

  Dad and I exchange a glance. Isla turns and walks ahead of us to lead the way to Brad’s office with her high heels clicking on the tile. She invites us to sit and then she slides behind the desk and opens a folder.

  “You’ll have to excuse me as I catch up with your account. I was confused because the note on my schedule says you are here to pay off what’s outstanding on a reverse mortgage loan.”

  “We are,” Dad says.

  “Okay. That’s strange. There must have been a miscommunication between you and Brad.” Her eyebrows angle together as she opens our account on her computer screen. “The payment was made in full earlier this week.”

  “By who?” I ask.

  She shakes her head. “It doesn’t show that information.”

  Dad is suspicious, which makes me wary. A manager we’ve never met before suddenly shows up and tells us the account is mysteriously paid off and we don’t need to make a payment. Then Brad comes back to work tomorrow and all of a sudden we’ve forfeited? She must think we’re stupid.

  “We’d like to make another payment anyway,” I say.

  “There’s nothing to apply it to. I can put it into a savings account or stock fund if you want.”

  “Where’s Brad?” I ask.

  “He’s on administrative leave while head office conducts an investigation. That’s all I am at liberty to say about it.”

  I honestly don’t know how to feel. Should I be happy that it’s magically paid off and get her to sign off on the paperwork before they figure out their mistake? Or should I assume that she’s trying to dupe us into missing the deadline? Dad doesn’t trust her. He’s giving me side glances.