The Self-Driven Child

by William Stixrud

  “I tried to let him do his homework on his own for a week, but he didn’t do any of it. It clearly didn’t work.”

  On the contrary, it worked perfectly. He didn’t do his homework without your being on him, and now he gets to figure out how to solve the problem. The idea that once you hand over responsibility, your child will take it up with aplomb is mistaken. As the dynamic changes, it takes time for him—and you—to adjust and develop the skills needed to do things differently. You need to take a long view. And that long view is that he can’t do it perfectly the first time out, or do it as well as you would with decades more experience. Remember that he needs to build competency. He needs to learn firsthand what he doesn’t know before he can become consciously competent.

  “It sounds to me like what you’re suggesting is laissez-faire parenting. Like I should just let my kid do whatever he wants.”

  Definitely not. You should set limits, and you should be involved in problem solving, both of which we cover in the next chapter. Kids feel safer and will be more self-motivated when they know that adults will take care of the things they’re not yet ready to take care of themselves. In no way do we think you should shrug your shoulders and say, “Sink or swim, buddy.” Offer a life raft every step of the way, in the form of your counsel. Tell your child what you’re worried about, and talk those points through. In this way, you are supportive and engaged, but you’re not steering the boat. So many parents have swung so far the other way that anything less than total control seems irresponsible.

  “What about things like practicing a musical instrument? My kid won’t practice on his own, but it’s important to me that he learn to appreciate and understand music.”

  We strongly support music training for kids, in part because there are few things that are better for the developing brain. At the same time, Bill has always been grateful to his own parents for letting him quit piano lessons in third grade—and not ruining music for him. Bill’s parents could tell that he had some musical ability and were willing to get him the instrument he wanted to play (the accordion—don’t ask), but they insisted that he first demonstrate that he could practice regularly on the piano that the family already had. Because Bill was pretty good at picking out tunes by ear, he chafed at being required to read music, and asked to quit after about four months of lessons, to which his parents agreed. Six years later, when the Beatles came to America, Bill took electric bass lessons and organ lessons and taught himself to play guitar—all in order to play the music he wanted to play. Today Bill still plays in a rock band and spends a fair amount of time every week playing and singing—much more so than most of his friends who were “made” to practice as children. He has also followed many kids who quit their lessons with their parents’ blessing and later passionately took up the same instrument or another one when they didn’t feel forced.

  The fact is that many kids love to play an instrument, practice independently, and experience playing in the school band or orchestra as the most enjoyable thing in their life. Many other kids are willing to go along with practicing, even if they don’t love it. They know that their parents want them to play, and they sometimes like a particular piece of music or feel proud that they can play. The challenge is what to do with kids who don’t go along—and really don’t want to go to their lessons or practice their instrument. Because it’s impossible to make a truly resistant kid practice, and because chronically fighting about anything is not healthy for families, we recommend taking the same approach that we recommend for homework: consult, but don’t force.

  Explain to your child how important music is to you and your family. Let him know that for many people, it brings great happiness and satisfaction. Tell him that although it’s a lot of work, it’s worth it if you learn to play. Tell him you want him to be able to play, that you’re willing to pay for lessons as long as his teacher says he’s practicing enough, and that you’re willing to help in any way you can to make practicing an enjoyable experience. But as with homework, also tell him that you’re not willing to fight with him about practicing because you love him and don’t want a constant hassle at home—and you don’t want to ruin music for him by making it nothing but a chore. If the child starts lessons, offer to help him develop a practice schedule. Tell him that you’re willing to sit with him during practice time and that if he wants to practice but just can’t make himself do it, you’ll offer a little incentive.

  If your child strongly resists going to lessons and/or practicing, suggest that he take a break from lessons for three months and see if he misses playing. If he does, he can always start again. If he doesn’t, he may want to play at another time when something makes it more appealing (e.g., The Beatles). If that doesn’t help either, remember that most adults don’t play an instrument and that playing an instrument isn’t necessary for music to be an enriching part of one’s life.

  “What about playing a sport? Exercise is critical, and there’s so much social currency in playing on a team, particularly for boys. But my kid wouldn’t do it if he weren’t forced.”

  Many kids love sports and would play all day if they were allowed to. Many others, though, hate team sports, which puts their parents in a bind because they know that exercise is important for kids, as is the social dimension of being part of a team. But trying to force a kid to play a sport is painful for everyone.

  We encourage parents to teach their children that movement is crucial for good health, and we want parents to help kids find ways of moving that they really enjoy. We suggest parents say something like, “In our family, everybody does something active. Let’s try different things and find out what works for you.” We support parents in signing kids up for soccer, T-ball, gymnastics, or swimming lessons when they’re young, so long as their kids have some interest in doing so.

  Many kids, especially those who aren’t very athletic, don’t like organized sports. For some, it’s the social challenges inherent in being on a team. For others, it’s the drudgery of practice or the stress of constantly being told what to do, or the embarrassment of not being very good in front of their friends. Trying to force these kids to play a team sport is not a good idea. For these kids, we recommend enforcing the family rule that everybody does something active—and encouraging them to explore individual sports that most other kids don’t participate in, like fencing, which can allow a child to excel at something in relation to most of his peers. We also recommend swimming, rock climbing, horseback riding, and martial arts—all things that kids can get better and better at through practice, and where most of the competition is with one’s own previous personal best.

  “I tried giving my daughter control of her homework, offering my help if she needs it. But she turned me down and now her teacher is pressuring me to become more involved.”

  This scenario can be extremely stressful, especially if you feel you’re the only parent who isn’t 100 percent on top of your kid’s homework. Start by thinking about why you’re hearing from the teacher at all. In today’s world, accountability has shifted away from kids and onto teachers. If a child doesn’t perform well, parents (and often schools) blame the teacher. Teachers are conditioned to think that somebody needs to make the kids do the work. They may well be scarred by parents blasting them for poor report cards, or fearful that if their students perform poorly on tests, it will jeopardize their job security. So we suggest you start by explaining that 1) you do not want to weaken your child by taking responsibility for her work, and 2) you have not found it useful to try to monitor her assignments against her will or try to force her to do her homework. Teachers may be shocked or delighted by parents who take the consultant approach. In our experience, making homework an issue between the child and her school is usually effective. Be clear with the school that you’re willing to help, but that you’re reminding your child it’s her responsibility.

  Ned found himself in a situation much like this when he and his wife decided to gi
ve their son more responsibility for his work. He stumbled, and the teacher wrote the following e-mail:

  I’ve noticed that over the last few months Matthew has been scrambling to finish homework during the advisory time before the day begins and seems really stressed about it. Do you get the sense that he has not finished his homework when he leaves for school in the morning, or is it more that he has forgotten about assignments and is rushing to finish them before class?

  I’m just wondering if perhaps he needs some more coaching about managing homework completion at home. I also know he is busy outside of school with many commitments, so I’m not sure if he simply doesn’t have enough time at night or over the weekend to finish his homework given all that he has going on.

  Let me know any insights as to how I might help him so he doesn’t get so crunched time-wise. I want this last month of middle school to be as enjoyable as possible for him.

  Here’s Ned’s response:

  Many thanks for writing. Matthew is doing work last minute because he hasn’t finished his assignments. We have worked hard this year to avoid asking, “Have you done it? Are you finished?” and instead asking, “Do you need help with any of your work? Do you have a plan? Have you got it?” My belief is that he, like many boys, only works under pressure. So he dawdles in the evenings and rushes in the morning, in part because that’s the final deadline.

  If you think it seems reasonable, might you ask, “Hey, Matthew, you seem stressed about getting your work done last minute. Would you like to talk about how to make that better?”

  I love that you want to have the end of eighth grade be fun and less stressed. We want that too for him. If you have specific advice for us, we are learning too.

  “I used to let my kids do their homework on their own, but once they hit high school, the stakes became too high.”

  You’re right. The stakes are high, particularly in eleventh grade. But not just because of college admission. Your real challenge is to raise a child who is capable of acting in his or her own best interest. And think of the message you’re sending when you take hold of the reins: “We’ve trusted you in the past, but when things really matter, it would be a mistake to let you be in control.” If you give them that message, they are much more likely to flounder in college when they suddenly find themselves in charge of their own time and without supervision.

  “I set my consulting hours from seven to eight, but my daughter wastes a lot of that time by not focusing, and then gets upset when it’s eight and I need to move on to other things. Should I stay to help her longer?”

  You can work overtime, but only as a reward to your child for good effort. If she’s worked hard the whole time you’ve allotted, but the material is particularly challenging, by all means, help her until she’s done. But if not, we’d suggest you tell her that you’d be happy to help her again the next evening from 7:00 until 8:00, and hopefully she’ll focus more. Similarly, if your kid passes on your offer to help with homework at the appointed hour, but then comes to you for help at 9:00 or 10:00, say, “The time for homework has passed. It’s time for bed. You need your rest so you can think clearly tomorrow, and so do I.” If she wants to get up early to complete it, that’s fine, but you shouldn’t help her. Your consulting hours are clear, and she can either take advantage of them or not. That said, if she procrastinates only occasionally, you should feel free to make exceptions and help her out.

  “My son’s basketball coach is more like the autocratic model you talk about, and it works—he gets great results from my kid! Why wouldn’t it work with me?”

  That’s great, but don’t forget, your roles are different. Your child can elect to sign up for basketball, and is thereby choosing to be bossed around by this coach. Playing on a sports team is a controllable stressor. That coach has many kids to keep an eye on and a mutual (relatively short-term) goal that he’s trying to help everyone achieve. It’s totally different with you. Remember, while teachers can teach and coaches can coach (and cut your kid from the team), only you can be the safe base.

  “If our son’s not successful, we’re worried that he’ll feel bad about himself and could get depressed.”

  The implication here is that you feel you have to protect your son from himself. In actuality, he is much more likely to get depressed from a low sense of control than from experiencing a failure, especially if you are supportive in the aftermath and help him see it as a learning opportunity and not The End.

  “Doing well in school is the most important thing for a successful future.”

  We disagree. We think that developing a clear sense of who’s responsible for what is more important than always doing well. That is the key to raising a self-driven child.

  “My daughter is in second grade, and the expectation for all the parents in her class is that we log on to the school’s system and help our kids track their homework. Is this wrong?”

  If your child values your help and support, and if she’s too young to log on and keep track of her assignments herself—which second graders are—then there’s no harm in helping her manage it. But don’t monitor it. In other words, you might help her log on, and you might say, “Oh, it looks like you have a math work sheet due tomorrow. Would you like help with that?” but don’t then make her sit down to do it, or follow up to make sure she’s done it. You’ve informed her, and you’ve offered to be there for her. That’s all that’s needed. Also, be careful that as she gets older and more capable, you don’t retain the role out of habit. We recognize that there comes a point when a child no longer needs help getting dressed or putting on her shoes, and we also need to recognize the point when that child no longer needs our help managing her homework.

  “I don’t want my child to make the same mistakes I made.”

  Bill hears this a lot. He usually responds by asking the parent whether she felt she learned from her mistakes and, if she had to do it over again, whether she would choose not to make these mistakes—and thus not have learned from them. Sometimes this leads to the parent suggesting that she is worried that the child will turn out like her. Bill then asks, “Would it be okay if your child turned out like you?” If the answer is no, Bill knows his real work is to help that parent be more accepting of himself or herself.

  “If I’m not on him all the time, I’m worried that he won’t reach his potential.”

  Kids won’t reach their potential by constantly being driven. In fact, the opposite is true; they will do what is necessary to get you off their back, but they won’t do more. People go the extra mile when it matters to them, not when it matters to you.

  The Big Picture

  The parent-as-consultant model takes some getting used to. In the next chapter, we will dig in deeper to consider what it looks like when you step back and let kids make decisions. But there are a few big-picture thoughts we want to leave you with before moving on.

  Your lack of control as a parent is good news, even if it may not seem so at first glance. When Ned’s son was in the fifth grade, he tried to blame his mom, Vanessa, when he failed to complete an assignment. “Well, you didn’t remind me to do it,” he said. In his defense, he had every expectation that his mom would check his assignments, because she usually did. So as a family, they talked about how, from that moment forward, it wasn’t Vanessa’s responsibility and she should no longer act as if it were. Ned and Vanessa made it clear they would be happy to remind Matthew to do his homework if he wanted this reminding, or to help if he really needed help, but that ultimately Matthew’s homework was Matthew’s responsibility.

  When we strip away all the angst and fighting over homework, it’s amazing what will sometimes happen. When Matthew was left in charge of his homework, he messed up at first. On one occasion, he did poorly on a science test (his favorite subject) because he studied the entirely wrong sheet. Whoops! There was no fighting afterward, no “I told you so,” no determination on Ned or Vanessa’s part
to swoop back in for the next test (though it took some self-discipline). Instead, there was a non-loaded discussion about what went wrong from Matthew’s point of view, and what his thinking was about how to fix it.

  As it turned out, though Matthew had botched the test, he was fascinated by the material it covered (the biological principles of life). The whole family went hiking the weekend after the test, and as they walked, Ned asked Matthew more about what he’d learned. Matthew went on and on enthusiastically about the subject of the test. He revealed that he’d spent quite a bit of time independently researching the topic since the test. Top grade? No. Real curiosity and learning? Yes!

  Botched tests and missed homework aren’t what we’re going for, of course. But we would all do well to remember the big picture: that we want our kids to be thoughtful learners, and want them to be self-disciplined, not well disciplined. Assuming authority over your kids’ responsibilities robs you of quality time and takes away home as a safe base. A mom recently told us she had been bemoaning her latest battle with her teenage son when one of her friends, whose son was in his twenties, told her, “It’s not worth the fight. One of my greatest regrets is that the last few years my son lived at home, we spent most of the time fighting about homework. I wish I could have those days back and just enjoy him. Now all that fighting seems so pointless and I feel like I missed out on him.”

  What to Do Tonight

  Practice asking, “Who is responsible for this?” “Whose problem is it?”

  Determine if your home is a safe base. Do you fight frequently about food or screen time? What’s the emotional temperature? If you are feeling frustrated with your kid, chances are he is with you as well. Ask him.