The Self-Driven Child

by William Stixrud

  When Ian’s parents asked for my advice about how to help him manage his technology use, I asked them the familiar question: “Whose problem is it?” The answer, in this case, turned out to be that it was Ian’s problem, as it affected his mood and his schoolwork, but also theirs, as his technology-induced irritability made him hard to live with. I suggested that Ian’s parents think of helping him learn to regulate his use of technology in a healthy way as an important long-term goal, rather than as something that has to happen immediately. I have seen many “technology-sick” kids who got so tired of feeling out of control that they limited their own use. I told them to engage in some collaborative problem solving with Ian, underscoring their understanding of how important technology was to him (and how imperative it was for his graphic design work) and emphasizing their desire to be supportive in setting appropriate limits. I suggested that they brainstorm about strategies for keeping his computer and phone use within healthy limits, seeking a mutually agreeable solution (which is usually what comes out of this kind of discussion when it is done respectfully but assertively). I also suggested that they honestly ask Ian’s opinion about what should be done if he could not limit his technology use and appeared to have a “technology addiction.” Finally, I recommended that if either Ian or his parents felt that technology was controlling him (rather than vice versa), they should meet with a professional who works with kids on managing their use of technology. Ian was relieved. He’d worried I would insist he stop using technology, period, and he liked the idea of working with his parents to figure out a solution.

  —Bill

  Understand your leverage.

  When children are young, you can easily limit their technology use by not giving them access to devices—or turning on parental restrictions so that they can only access approved sites. This gets trickier as kids get older, and with teenagers, you simply can’t monitor their tech habits all the time.

  But here’s what you can do. Always know their password, and let them know that you will always know it. If you are paying for their data plan, you can make that contingent on their respectful use of technology. If they won’t put away the phone at night, you don’t pay the bill. As we said in Chapter Seven, if your child claims she needs the phone in her bedroom to set the alarm, buy an alarm clock. Most important, let your high schoolers know that although you’re looking forward to their getting an excellent education, you won’t be sending them off to an expensive college until they can demonstrate that they can regulate their technology use well enough to be successful. Otherwise it will be a waste of their time and your money.

  A Few Common Questions

  “How much screen time is reasonable?”

  This is a simple question with a complicated answer. It used to be that when parents asked us about video-game time, we suggested no more than an hour a day. But then we heard that kids would get frustrated because it took an hour and a half to get to the next level of their favorite game. There is no one right answer here, but we do have some guidelines. For starters, encourage everyone in the family to make a technology-use plan. It is helpful for you to do this together with your children, so that they will see you monitoring your own use. Suggest that they start by mapping out the number of hours they need to sleep, how much time they want to spend on sports or other nontech leisure activities, and how much time they need to spend on schoolwork, dinner, chores, and getting ready for school and for bed. This will make it easier to think about how much tech time will fit comfortably in the daily or weekly schedule. What we can do is plan for the things we know are important and work backward.

  The answer is easier for young kids. We believe that preschoolers develop best by interacting with people and, where possible, with nature, by engaging in dramatic play, by singing, building, and making art. There is no evidence that young children need technology to develop optimally or that kids who are exposed to technology early are better for it.

  “How do I get my kid who loves electronics to be interested in something else?”

  The child who loves video games more than anything is likely to have a different conception of “reasonable use” than you. For school-aged kids, we recommend framing the discussion by recognizing that you want them to be able to use technology, and that you know how important it is to them. If your kid seems technically inclined, say “You may grow up to be a techie.” Then you can tell them about some of the other things you don’t want them to miss out on—family time, reading, socializing with friends, or sleep. Say something like, “I know how much fun these games are, and I’m not going to say you can’t do it, but as your parent, I’m concerned that there are other important things you’re missing out on. So it would help me a lot if we could have a conversation about how much time a week you really need to enjoy games you want to play, and come up with other things you’ll do each week so I’m not worried about you. If we can both agree on a plan and you can stick to it, I’ll leave you alone.”

  “I want to limit screen time, but my child’s school requires him to do his homework onscreen—sometimes hours of it. What can I do?”

  Though screen time is a complicated issue, we believe adults should work together to tell our kids that we don’t want all their waking hours spent in front of a screen, and we support parents in talking with schools and administrators about the issue. Tell them you are putting your child’s health first, and come armed with a study that shows that the amount of time your child is spending in front of a screen is harmful. Offer solutions for a way your child might still complete the homework, but not on a screen. Start a conversation going with other parents and the principal on the subject. Work with other parents who seem to share your concern so that your child doesn’t feel singled out and babied.36

  “My daughter’s only in fifth grade, and she desperately wants a smartphone. She says everyone in her class has one and that she feels left out. But I think fifth grade is too young to have a phone. What should I do?”

  The bottom line is that you should not do what you don’t feel comfortable doing. When Bill’s kids were in high school, they often complained about being the only kids in their grade who didn’t have a car. Bill was proud of that fact, and feels that in the long run it helped his kids more than it hurt them. The point is, it’s okay to say no even if other parents say yes.

  At the same time, be open to the fact that there’s a problem that requires solving. If your child feels left out, explore where that’s coming from. Show empathy, and explain that you don’t want her to feel bad. Consider introducing a phone in steps. A lot of kids use their phone to text, so perhaps the first phone is one that allows calls and texts, but has no Internet capability.

  We also recommend that you talk to your child’s teachers to see if what your child says is actually true. Is your child in fact being left out because she doesn’t have a phone?

  Also talk to other parents. What are their kids doing? Is it causing problems? Talk about forming some sort of coalition to set similar parameters and limits.

  Parents getting together on technology is powerful. Parents and kids getting together on technology is even more powerful.

  “I don’t want my kid to be left out of a tech-savvy workforce because I’ve limited her tech use. I’ve heard a lot about how technology is improving kids’ ability to multitask. Doesn’t my child need to learn how to do this, too, to keep up?”

  Let’s put this fear to rest. At the no-tech Waldorf School in Silicon Valley, 75 percent of the students are children of tech executives. When asked if they’re concerned their young kids will fall behind in their technical competence, these techies say that they make it so easy to learn, kids can catch up quickly.37

  And while playing video games for hours on end does seem to make you a better multitasker, you still perform much more poorly than if you were to do one task at a time. You can’t do two things at once if they require conscious thought, so multitasking is
really a misnomer. If you try to focus on two or more things at once, what you’re actually doing is rapidly shifting between tasks. Multitasking compromises the quality of learning and performance. It’s highly inefficient, as people make many more errors and in the end perform much more slowly.38 Multitasking also limits opportunities for deep thought and abstraction and for creativity and invention.39 This may be why adolescents in what has been called the “app generation” shy away from questions that don’t have direct, simple, and quick solutions.40 Most concerning, multitasking has been shown to elevate cortisol levels, meaning that it puts more stress on the nervous system. One of the main reasons that meditation and mindfulness are so popular is that they are a strong antidote to multitasking: being in the present as opposed to doing three things at once.

  “How can I tell if my child is addicted to technology? At what point do I need to get professional help?”

  The data vary according to the type of technology, but a UK study showed that kids who spent three hours or more on social media were more than twice as likely to have poor mental health.41 Researchers such as Douglas Gentile who study video-game addiction use criteria such as:

  Lying about how much time is spent playing

  Spending increasing amounts of time and money to feel excited

  Irritability or restlessness when that time is cut back

  Escaping problems through game play

  Skipping chores or homework to play

  Stealing games or stealing money to buy games.42

  Kids who are at most risk for developing addictive relationships with games, social media, or the Internet commonly have certain characteristics, such as impulsivity, low social competence, low stress tolerance, cognitive inflexibility, and social anxiety. Boys are more vulnerable than girls, and genetics also plays a role, particularly when it comes to the genes that regulate the dopamine system and the seratonin receptors involved in emotional regulation.43 Kids with inflexible, obsessive minds and sensitive dopamine systems will have a really hard time setting their own limits and are particularly vulnerable to excessive use or addiction. Bill has evaluated many kids like this, who have said, “I can stop playing, but I can’t stop thinking about it.”

  If you recognize your child is vulnerable to excessive use of technology, it’s important that you negotiate firm limits with him. He must comply with the limits you’ve agreed upon in order to continue his use of technology. In extreme cases, such as when a kid will threaten his parents for taking away his console, parents should seek professional help. We also recommend helping your child to develop social skills, as so many turn to technology because it is the only setting in which they feel comfortable and can connect with other kids.

  Another Cultural Shift

  We feel optimistic about the way that many teens are talking about the impact of technology and the need to counteract its negative side. There is a countermovement at work, one that we hope will make it easier for parents to place limits on technology. In a study of younger millennials, 80 percent reported needing to unplug and enjoy simple things.44

  There’s been a resurgence in the popularity of quieter, hands-on activities like baking, sewing, and crafting among millennials. Even retail is getting into the low-tech movement, with more and more shops and restaurants branding themselves as tech-free. We know of several restaurants that unapologetically ban cell phones, and a board game store in Seattle (started by Microsofties, ironically) uses the marketing line “Unplug and Reconnect.”

  Perhaps our favorite example of the low-tech movement comes from the University of Maryland women’s basketball team, who created a media stir a few years ago when they voluntarily gave up their phones during tournament time. “To give up our phones is probably one of the best things we decided to do as a team,” guard Lexie Brown told the Washington Post. “I mean, I like my phone. But this has taught me I don’t need it.” Instead, the teammates played card games and talked more to one another than they would have otherwise. Another player said, “When we got our phones back, it was like we wanted to give them right back.”45

  What to Do Tonight

  Have a family meeting in which you talk about setting up technology-free times or zones. At the very least there should be no cell phones during meals or in the bedroom, but you may also want to carve out more cell-phone-free zones for the family. A friend’s wife says, “No cell phones on the couch. If you are on the couch, talk to me.”

  Model healthy use of technology. For example, never text while driving. If you need to send a text while you’re in the car, be sure to pull over. If you are on your phone when your child walks into the room, stop and greet him or her. If you need to check your phone for a text, e-mail, or alert, ask permission. “Is it okay if I check this? It might be Dad/I told so-and-so I would look for her message.”

  Try to have at least thirty minutes of unplugged “private time” every day with your kids during the week and at least an hour a day on weekends when you don’t take calls or check your phone. Consider identifying a certain period during the weekend (e.g., Sundays 9:00 A.M. to noon) as tech free—“It’s pancake, read the Times, and play a game time.” Negotiate with your kids if necessary about the best time for digital downtime. If your child has difficulty letting go of her phone, let her set a timer and tell her she can check her texts every ten or fifteen minutes. Ten to fifteen minutes seems obsessive—and it is, in our view—but kids who have a harder time with tech-free time will resent it less if you’re not rigid. Be respectful and know that even short periods of tech-free time may be hard for her.

  When out and about, point out social situations in which one person is ignoring the other through their use of a phone (bad dates, parents ignoring soccer games, concerts, Starbucks where every single person is on a phone). Ask them, “What do you think the other person is feeling?”

  If you’re ready to give a younger child a phone or Internet access, study resources such as Adam Pletter’s iParent101.com and the American Pediatrics Association’s Media and Children Communication Toolkit to educate yourself about the games and apps your kid uses. The Entertainment Software Rating Board (esrb.org) offers useful information about setting parental controls on games. Other sources we recommend are OnGuardOnline, which offers tips for protecting your computers; Common Sense Media, which rates programs and apps; and iKeepSafe.org, a fount of information about keeping kids safe online. Above all, talk to your children and let them know that it’s your job to help them learn to use technology well. Say, “There’s a whole world available on this gadget. If you get into something that’s scary for you, I want you to let me know.”

  Let kids know you’ll check their texts and Twitter page randomly until you feel they are not using it in a way that’s hurtful to others or that makes them vulnerable to being hurt—and then do it.

  Make video game use contingent on not freaking out when it’s time to quit.

  If your kid is using technology excessively, consider consulting with a psychologist or counselor.

  CHAPTER TEN

  Exercising the Brain and Body

  ELITE ATHLETES WILL DO SOMETHING that at first glance may seem surprising. They’ll grab not the weight bar but the yoga ball, and condition their small muscles before working on the big, showy ones. When these small muscles are toned it’s not noticeable to the untrained eye, but it makes them much less vulnerable to injury. The boxer who throws out his back while lifting his toddler out of the bathtub has not been paying attention to those small muscles. Neither has the runner who turns an ankle crossing the street. Though they may be in great shape, they’ve probably neglected the modest fundamentals without which they cannot support the work the rest of their body is doing.

  In this chapter we will explore several ways of exercising those small muscles that make a big difference. What we ultimately want is resilient, brain-healthy k
ids who will be on a strong footing when it comes to life’s many obstacles, both big (like not getting into the school of their dreams) and small (like coping with a rejection at a school dance). We want to help our kids develop a brain that’s capable of thinking skillfully and of taking hits from all directions. Though we wish them the best at every turn, we don’t want our kids to be afraid of taking risks or to unravel when things don’t turn out as they’d hoped.

  Most kids aren’t taught empowering mental strategies, like planning ahead and visualizing goals, talking back to negative thoughts, or thinking of what you will do if what you want doesn’t come through. This chapter lays out some of the strategies for success that we psychologists and educators rely on most in our work with children and in our own lives. We’ve drawn on the work of influential writers on the psychology of success such as Stephen Covey and Brian Tracy, as well as neuroscientists like Adele Diamond and Daniel Siegel. You may have heard of and may even use some of these techniques yourself. What you probably don’t know is that they are just as effective for kids. It’s not easy to sit your kids down—particularly when they’re in their teens—and say, “Honey, let’s talk about how you can exercise your brain, okay?” They are likely to resist you, and that’s fair. But knowing these strategies will help, and there are ways to make them a part of your family life without being overly prescriptive.

  Exercise #1: Set clear goals.

  Virtually everyone who has written about the psychology of success agrees that setting goals is fundamental. Both of us have used goal- setting and visualization strategies to develop our businesses, and we urge you to teach your kids to do this from a young age. For some, writing a simple list of goals works well. For others, it is much more effective to have a visual picture of their goal to refer to. For instance, a disorganized kid who wants to keep a clean desk might take a picture of his desk when it’s straightened up. He labels the picture, noting where the pens, pencils, paper, and homework go. When he next needs to clean his desk, he can look at the picture and match it. The same thing goes for getting ready for school. If he agrees that he wants to make getting ready for school a less painful process, he can refer to a picture of himself fully ready for the day with his coat on, hair brushed, holding his backpack and his lunchbox. If he can see what he’s after, he is more likely to make it happen. This technique can also be useful for teens who don’t organize themselves well because matching a picture places fewer demands on working memory than reading from a checklist.1