The Self-Driven Child

by William Stixrud

  Threat to the ego

  Obviously the SAT, ACT, GRE, GMAT, LSAT, and other standardized tests are not inherently dangerous. They might give you nightmares, but they’re unlikely to put you in the ER. What they do represent is a threat to your ego. Many terrific students whose first standardized test scores are lower than they expect are seized by panic that the test has “outed them.” Perhaps they aren’t as “smart” as they had always imagined.

  It’s worth saying it again: test scores are not an accurate reflection of intelligence. Knowing the definition of “laconic” or how to find the roots of a quadratic equation does not prove you’re smart, only that you know those particular things. And not knowing them doesn’t make you dumb. The ACT and SAT are tests of acquired knowledge and skills—some you learn in school and some you don’t. But your score is not a label you will be marked with for the rest of your life. And if you find yourself at the age of forty boasting about your SAT score, well, something else is seriously wrong.

  One of Ned’s students, Anne, was really underperforming on practice tests. Ned suspected that she had a problem with anxiety, and met with Anne and her mom. He ran through his usual questions about the test, Anne’s life in general, and what she thought might be throwing her. They were about halfway through the questions when her eyes welled up with tears. Ned stopped and asked, as tenderly as he could, “What are you thinking right now?”

  Anne paused and then said, “How stupid I am.”

  “Well,” Ned said, “I have no idea whether you can do calculus or advanced physics—I sure can’t—but I can say with great certainty that you are not stupid. I’ve seen a lot of kids and can see that you are very capable. What just happened to you is stress. No matter how good your brain is, when it’s really stressed, it cannot do what it’s able to do. Stressed brains simply don’t work well. So more than test prep, we need to talk about what we can do to help you with your stress, so that you can do what you are already capable of doing.”

  One particularly pernicious form of threat to self is called stereotype threat, a phenomenon Josh Aronson has studied extensively. When someone experiences stereotype threat, they are fearful of confirming a negative stereotype about the group they belong to. To explain how it works, Josh tells the story of lunch with his real estate agent.3 At one point she said, “What is it with you Jews and money?” Which, understandably, caught Josh off guard. When he asked what she meant, she said, “Well, I don’t really know any Jewish people, but I’ve worked with a couple recently and I’ve noticed they’re flashy with money.”

  Now, because Josh studies this stuff for a living, he had the presence of mind to say, “Okay, let me tell you what’s happening. You have heard this stereotype about Jews before, and it’s actually pretty anti-Semitic, and you are taking that stereotype and applying it to anyone you meet who might be Jewish. You are subscribing to a stereotype and continuing to spread it.” After an awkward moment, they continued with their lunch.

  Then the bill came. Josh immediately thought, The stereotype of Jews is that we throw our money around, so I’m not going to pick up this check and enforce that stereotype. She’s my real estate agent, she should pick up the check. Then he thought, But wait, there’s another Jewish stereotype—that Jews are stingy. So if I don’t pick up the check, I’m just reinforcing that stereotype for her. All of this was running through his mind just about picking up a check.

  Now take that scenario and apply it to an African American teenage boy sitting among a group of white kids and taking a standardized test. He comes into that exam room with much more than a #2 pencil. It’s likely he also brings a backpack loaded with other people’s assumptions about him. It doesn’t matter if he knows those stereotypes are baseless—he knows that other people subscribe to them, and that alone is threatening. Under that stress, it is easy for his thoughts to slide from thoughts of success to ones of failure. Everyone who sees my low test score will know I’m black, which will strengthen their belief that black people don’t do well.

  We encourage anyone who has experienced a threat to self around a test to spend some time before the test writing about bigger-picture questions. This will shift your thinking and improve your sense of control. Answer questions like, “What are my core values? What do I really care about? Who am I, regardless of how I do on the test?” Lacrosse player, sister, activist, friend. This exercise helps give you perspective and recognize that you are more than a test score. In one study in which kids were given a writing assignment that affirmed their sense of self, African American students’ grades increased significantly and the racial achievement gap was reduced by 40 percent.4

  Another option is to go into warrior mode. One college tennis player we know listens to aggressive gangster rap before she gets on the court. There’s a great Bose commercial in which NFL quarterback Russell Wilson is listening to Macklemore’s “Downtown” and envisioning Macklemore giving him a pep talk: “Look at that bad man getting his smoothie on. Look at that bad man getting his feet wet. This is Russell Wilson country. And this? [Sniff] Russell Wilson air.”

  There’s great research to back this up. The army did a study on the connection between U.S. soldiers’ frame of mind under stress and their ability to detect IEDs—the improvised explosive devices responsible for so many deaths in Iraq and Afghanistan. In short, “researchers found that soldiers who were especially good at spotting bombs in simulations tended to think of themselves as predators, not prey.” This isn’t surprising, and the study confirmed that “even the most perceptive, observant brain on earth will not pick up subtle clues if it is overwhelmed by stress.” The “predator” mentality proved the key to these soldiers’ success; by reducing their anxiety, it enabled them to outperform their more fearful peers.5

  What does a study about IEDs have to do with test preparation? A lot, actually. For years Ned has tried to help students understand how their performance on standardized tests can be influenced by their emotions—especially their anxiety. He has seen a lot of kids who know their stuff—and have proven so on multiple practice tests—suddenly begin to clench up as the real test approaches. Out of fear, they change their approach, with devastating results.

  It’s perfectly normal to get nervous before a test, but you can work to sidestep this stress by choosing your attitude about the test. Look to conquer, rather than survive. Athletes have all sorts of rituals to help them “get into the zone” on game day. That same music, rituals, and active visualizations of success can help you prepare for a test. Remember, it’s your choice whether you enter a test with an attitude of “Gulp! My whole future is on the line!” or “I’m going to show these suckers who’s the boss!”

  Jeffrey was a great high school football player who was really excited about one of the colleges that recruited him, but he was told that if he wanted to go there he would have to get his test scores up. He wasn’t making progress. He had worked with two different tutors before his concerned dad called me. He told me that Jeffrey was a good student. He got As in math, but was stuck in the 500s on his tests. More significantly, he’d had a challenging year. He had switched schools midyear, it turned out. I probed to find out why this had happened, and his dad reluctantly confided that he’d been bullied at his previous school. His football teammates had engaged in quite a bit of hazing, and the coaches had reportedly turned a blind eye. Jeffrey was likely feeling that every bad practice score validated the voices of those boys telling him he was a loser. What he needed was not more practice tests, but a way to push back on the threat to self he was feeling.

  I met with Jeffrey twice. It was all the time we had before the test. I explained how fear works to shut down the strategic Pilot in his brain and told him that we needed his “predator brain,” not his “prey brain.” Focusing on the process would help him. Jeffrey was a wide receiver, so I told him it was like focusing on running tight routes to tune out the crowds, and thinking of taking it
to the defenders rather than fearing their hits. I also encouraged him to listen to music on the way to the exam, something that would help him get a swagger going. He needed to go into that test with the mindset of a hunter. “Spend some time thinking about the test, rehearsing the test in your mind,” I said, “just like you do a game. Don’t picture a cream-puff test, but imagine running your precise routes through a really good defense. Imagine leaving those punks at your old school—and those awful test makers—weeping. Activate your prefrontal cortex (what’s the strategic way to take her out?) rather than your amygdala (run, you fool, run!).” We did not look at a single sample test question.

  Jeffrey improved his scores by nearly 180 points. Game changer. What had been standing in his way was his fear, and once we were able to develop an effective strategy to conquer that fear, he was able to show what he could really do all along.

  —Ned

  A question of control

  You know how stressful it is when you’re late for something to begin with, and then you’re hit with a brick wall of traffic? Your hands start sweating, your heart beats faster, and you likely think whoever is in the car with you is a giant pain in the ass. A huge reason this scenario is stressful is that you’re stuck—there’s nothing you can do to fix the situation. You have no sense of control. If someone asked you to solve a difficult equation, or answer a comprehension question, you probably wouldn’t do very well. At moments like this, you are living in the part of your brain designed to escape from predators, and that part of your brain just wants to run like hell, not calmly consider alternatives.

  When you feel that you have control over a situation, you are likely to be calmer, more relaxed, and more able to think. You are also likely to make better decisions. Everything we’ve covered in this chapter—novelty, unpredictability, and threat to the ego—can take away your sense of control.

  But the test has patterns and you can learn those patterns and adapt your approach to them. If you’re slow and methodical and need to pick up the pace to get through all the test questions, you can work on that—it’s a perfectly clear target, and that’s really good news. In short, if you focus on process instead of outcome, whether taking a test or jumping out of an airplane, you will have a much greater sense of control.

  There’s one problem we haven’t addressed. What do you do if your mom or dad is constantly on your case? What if they are the wall of traffic causing you stress? Ned talks to kids about this all the time. Here is what he tells them:

  First, know that your parents love you. Sometimes love and fear get mixed together, and when parents become overly controlling, they are probably acting out of the fear part of their brains. They may be feeling stressed because they cannot control what happens in your life. When they feel that way, it’s easier to criticize or holler to relieve their stress than it is to listen or let go. That doesn’t mean it feels great to be on the receiving end, but at least it explains why it happens.

  Second, do listen to them. Do your best to strip out the edge of fear, and see if you can glean solid advice behind their words. It’s a sign of maturity to be able to gather as much information as possible and consider all perspectives on a given issue.

  Our hope is that you listen, but if what they’re saying really seems crazy, consider a Jedi mind trick Ned picked up from his wise friend Chrissellene. If your mom or dad comes to you and says, “Hey, Nicky, I really think you should [insert whatever crazy-making advice your parents offer],” you probably usually respond with “Stop nagging me, Mom.” How does that work? Parents will, almost without fail, think you’re not listening. Or that you don’t understand how important this is. And so they rarely let it go and walk away. Usually they repeat it again. With emphasis. Which only gets you more frustrated. Next thing you know, it’s a fight, which makes you really not want to listen, and makes them press the point even harder.

  So what if you change the whole dynamic? What if when your mom or dad says they think you should do something, you reply, “Thanks for telling me, Mom.” Or, “That’s a good point.” When your parents feel validated, they are much more likely to pat themselves on the back and say, “You’re welcome, dear” and go back to doing whatever it is that adults do when they aren’t telling their kids what to do. The point is, blowing them off doesn’t work. So try validating them instead. If this is hard to do (because you don’t feel or believe it), you can say, “That’s a good point,” and in your head think, “for a crazy person” or “Thanks for telling me [though I’ll never believe you are right].”

  Finally, do your best to communicate respectfully about your needs. Sometimes it’s helpful to write a letter. You might try saying something like, “I know you want the best for me and are trying to help me get the best score. But this test ultimately has to be mine. I appreciate your help but I need you to take into account what I feel is right for me.”

  If you can do this, it not only will help you in the run-up to the test, but it will help you reset your relationships with your parents for years to come.

  I had a student some years ago who was working hard to break 600 on reading and math. Math was especially vexing. Her tendency was to miss too many easy questions, then struggle with the hardest ones. The plan of attack was for her to take her time and nail 70 percent of the questions, so that the last thirty didn’t matter at all. If she saw problems she could do in that 30 percent, she could pick and choose a few. She knew what she was supposed to do, but she couldn’t follow the plan of attack, and her early errors crushed the 70 percent goal. The real crux was that, though she understood the strategy, she struggled not to do questions. It felt dangerous. Giving her the choice of what problems to do and what problems to skip gave her responsibility and, along with it, guilt. So I grabbed a sample test and crossed out the last four questions of every single math section.

  “But what if I can do them?” she asked.

  “Nope,” I said. “Don’t care. You aren’t allowed to. Do not even look at anything with a red X through it.”

  She took the practice test. “How was it?” I asked.

  “Soooooo much easier,” she said. She didn’t do any of the hardest questions. So, math? 610. Nice! Biggest surprise? Reading: 640. See, not only had she conserved her time and attention to do fewer math questions and thus not make “silly” errors, she also had much more energy when she got to the reading.

  —Ned

  In the week before the test, think of yourself as a marathoner. Runners don’t train too hard the week before a race—rather, they taper. They go to great lengths to take care of themselves. Sleep. Exercise. Do a little review so you feel on top of the material, but don’t push it. You’re reminding yourself of what you already know. Do some mental contrasting; think about how you’ll handle it if something goes wrong. Pick a playlist of songs to get you pumped and in predator mode. Put negative or stressful influences (even if they’re your parents) on the sidelines. The night before the test, watch a sitcom or funny movie. Laughter is a great way to relieve stress and open up your thinking. And it’s much easier to get a good night’s sleep after laughing and relaxing than it is after studying. Now get going. #yougotthis!

  Parents: Chill out!

  “My parents care more about my grades and my score than they do about me.” Ned hears this all the time from his students. And while he knows it’s not true, there are obviously some mixed signals going on. So parents, this part is for you.

  Parents frequently ask Ned if they should make their kid take a particular test. His advice is always the same: Don’t make the decision for them. Give them the information they need and let them decide for themselves. Show them you trust them, advise them, and then let go. There are many reasons to take this approach—it’s good for your relationship, it teaches problem solving, it encourages autonomy, and it may actually harm their score if you push. What kids believe tends to be self-fulfilling. The more press
ure they feel, the less working memory they’ll have available and the less motivated they’ll be. As Ned’s son, Matthew, said so eloquently, “The more you or Mom remind me to do something, the less I want to do it.”

  There’s also always the chance that your kid will use the test as a very expensive “screw you.” Ned’s colleague had one student who was dead set against taking a practice test. Her parents enrolled her anyway. They dropped her off, they made sure she entered the exam room, and—because she suffered from anxiety—they ensured she had special accommodations, including extra time to take the test. The result of the five-hour test? A bubbled-in sheet filled with lovely patterns and designs, but not many correct answers.

  We know this is tough. You want the best for your kid, and sometimes it feels that if he would just focus more, or if you could just inch him a little bit closer to his goal, he’d get there. It hurts you to see him struggle or fail at anything; you want to protect him and make his path forward as easy as possible. Remember, we’re parents, too. We get it. But you’re in it with your kids for the long haul, and part of being a parent is standing on the sidelines sometimes so that they can return to you for a hug and pep talk before going back out there. That’s where it’s most important for you to stand. So stand tall, don’t forget to cheer, and at the end of the day, remind them that you care much more about them than any stupid test score.

  What to Do Tonight

  If your child is anxious about test taking, offer to sit in the room while they take a practice test. Read a book rather than checking e-mails.

  Talk through Plan B scenarios weeks (not the week) before a test, to help your child ward off anxiety. You might say something like, “Do you want to talk for a few minutes about ways to think about this that might make it less stressful? If what you want doesn’t happen, it’s not going to be a disaster. That’s not the way the world works. If you’re shooting for a 30 or 33 on the ACT, what would happen if you got a 28? What would happen if the college you want to go to is out of your range? Let’s talk about a Plan B and let your brain know that it’s not the end of the world if you don’t reach your goal.”