Pet Peeve

by Piers Anthony

  The thing puffed into foul-tasting smoke in his mouth that burned his tongue. "Yuck!" he exclaimed, blowing out a blot of smoke in the shape of a cross.

  "That's a hot crossed pun!" Hannah said. "Are you going to be emitting smelly puns for a day?"

  "I think I spat it out in time."

  "I hope so. The bird's bad enough already, without that."

  "What do you call a big drum carried by two nuns?" She looked at him suspiciously. "Is that a—"

  "A conundrum!" he said. "Co-nun-drum."

  "Ugh! You swallowed some of that crossed pun!"

  "I suppose I did," he agreed ruefully. "I think I got it all out now."

  "What a stinker," the parody said with satisfaction. "Got any more?"

  Hannah peered ahead. "There may be real food across that river."

  Goody looked. "But how do we get across? I see colored fins."

  She nodded. "Not worth trying to swim. But there must be a way."

  They walked along the bank, and the colored fins paralleled them. Those were likely loan sharks, eager to take an arm and a leg if given opportunity.

  A woman was sitting on the bank, flipping small coins to the loan sharks. "Don't feed the fish!" Hannah said. "That will make them lose their fear of man."

  "There are no men here," the girl pointed out. "Do you need to get across?"

  "Yes. Do you know a way?"

  "Of course. I am Brigitte. I make bridges appear. That's my talent." Brigitte—bridge-it. Goody wondered if the girl had partaken of the hot-crossed puns. "We could use a bridge."

  Brigitte gestured. A bridge appeared, spanning the river. "Welcome. That's why I'm here."

  "You call that a bridge? I've seen a better span on lace!"

  "Really?" The bridge disappeared.

  "It's the bird!" Goody explained. "It imitates my voice to insult people. It's a fine bridge."

  Brigitte looked unconvinced.

  "Try it yourself," Goody said desperately. "Take the bird on your arm and listen."

  "Oh, all right," she said. "But I don't believe it."

  The parody hopped onto her lifted wrist. "Did you ever see a snottier looking goblin girl?" her voice inquired. "You'd swear she's a man in a dress."

  Brigitte nodded. "Now I believe."

  "Would you like to adopt the bird?" Goody asked. "We're looking for a good home for it."

  She laughed. "No way! They'd boot me out of No Man's Land! Take it on across the river." The bridge reappeared.

  Goody took back the peeve. "Thank you."

  They walked onto the bridge. It was solidly constructed and seemed more than adequate, but close to the surface of the river. The loan sharks swam in close.

  "Ignore them and maybe they'll go away," Hannah advised.

  "Hey, you lubbers! You call those teeth? I've seen better on a keyhole saw!"

  The sharks' colors intensified. They gnashed their teeth, which were considerably larger than described.

  "And those fins—I'll bet they make stinking soup!"

  Goody hurried, but now the sharks were really enraged. One big blue one leaped high enough to land on the bridge. It swiveled around, trying to slide across the planks to reach them.

  "And what happened to your tail? Did it get caught in a grinder?"

  Goody backed away as the shark snapped at his legs.

  Another shark made the leap, landing behind him. This one was red, and larger than the first. Now he was trapped between them.

  Hannah stepped in, her sword drawn. "Now we can do this one of two ways," she said to the sharks. "You can slide back into the water on your own, and keep your hides intact. Or you can be filleted for our dinner."

  "Don't you believe it!" Goody's voice cried. "She's got good-tasting arms and legs."

  The red shark gnashed its teeth, sending out a shower of sparks. It wasn't being bluffed.

  "Perhaps a small demonstration," the barbarian said. She stepped forward, her sword-point blurring. The letters H B appeared on the shark's hide.

  "She carved her initials!" the parody chortled. "Maybe she'll do her whole name next: Honey Bunch."

  The shark chewed on that a moment, then slid off the bridge, followed by the blue one. Hannah had made her point.

  They continued on across the bridge, unmolested. "Could you really have filleted them?" Goody asked.

  "Of course. But I didn't really want to. Loan sharks taste terrible."

  They reached the far bank and turned to wave thanks to Brigitte. Then they surveyed the plants growing here. There was an assortment of pie plants, milkweed, and cookies. Exactly what they needed.

  They settled down for a considerable snack. "Honey Bunch?" Goody asked.

  "When I was a girl, a mean boy made that up to tease me. Now they call him tongue-twister."

  "But that's not a tongue twister."

  "Because he never was able to get the knot I tied out of his tongue."

  "He he hee!" the peeve laughed.

  Hannah glanced at it. "I haven't lost the knack."

  The bird's beak snapped thoroughly shut.

  Stuffed, Goody found he had a problem. "I need to—"

  "Poop!" the bird said helpfully.

  "No! But—"

  "Squat by a bush," Hannah said.

  "But—"

  "You can't do it the way you used to. You're a girl now."

  "And you've got pan-ties!"

  Goody found the whole business uncomfortably awkward, especially with the goading of the bird, but managed to get through. "I thought I got what I needed," he said, glancing at the statuette. "But it didn't help at all."

  "Such artifacts are usually valid. Just keep it in mind as we search." But the barbarian's assurance lacked conviction.

  They came to a central plaza. There was some kind of monument, a big block of polished stone. On it were the words THINGS EQUAL TO THE SAME THING ARE EQUAL TO EACH OTHER.

  "What does it mean?" Goody asked.

  "Beats me. But it surely means something."

  "Duh!" the parody said.

  She turned to the bird. "Do you know something, or are you just mouthing?"

  "Small object, big object, put them together, cretin."

  Goody brought out the statuette and considered it more carefully. "I just noticed something: this is male on one side, female on the other."

  "I just noticed something too: there's a doll-shaped cavity in the top of this block."

  "Double Duh!" the bird repeated.

  "So we put them together?" He brought the small object to the big object. The cavity was just the right size for it. "Which way up?"

  "I am getting a wicked notion," Hannah said. "It has to go one side up or the other. Could that be important?"

  "Let's find out." Goody laid the doll in the hole, female side up.

  Nothing happened.

  "Now try the other way," Hannah said.

  He lifted out the figure and replaced it male side up.

  Something odd happened. His shirt loosened and his trousers constricted him uncomfortably in the crotch.

  "Oh, no!" Hannah exclaimed.

  "I'm back!" Goody cried. "I've got my male parts!"

  "You don't say," Hannah said heavily.

  He looked at her. Her halter hung loose and her skirt dangled on her narrow hips. Her arms and legs had developed knotty muscles. "You're a man!"

  "Ha ha ha ha ha!" The parody laughed so hard it fell off Goody's shoulder and lay twitching on the ground. "How you like them apples, hero?"

  "That's why the bleeping bird was so helpful," Hannah said. "It knew this would happen."

  The peeve flew back to Goody's shoulder. "Well, it was a lucky guess, dolt."

  "We can change you back, Hannah," Goody said. "But—"

  "But then you'd be a girl again."

  That gave him pause. "I gather you don't want to be male any more than I want to be female?"

  "Right on, buster."

  A bulb flashed over his head. "I can leave.
You can stay here and change it back once I'm out."

  She/he nodded. "That should work. Let's do it this way: I'll escort you out, then return here to change, then rejoin you as female."

  It was decided. Except for one thing: "What about the gender key?"

  "Let's experiment." She lifted it out. Nothing changed. "It seems it remains where set; this is only a key, not the whole magic. Let's take it with us, so no one else can use it before we're clear."

  "Awww," the parody said.

  "Now I think I understand what the demoness meant," Goody said. "We couldn't go to No Woman's Land, because it didn't exist. But we made it come to us."

  "So she did wangle a confusion."

  "Demons do tend to be devious."

  They foraged for new clothing, storing the old in Hannah's barbarian backpack.

  They walked back the way they had come. They came to the river and waved. A bridge appeared, and they crossed. On the far side was a man who looked like Brigitte's brother. His clothes fit perfectly. "Did you find what you were looking for, brothers?" he inquired jovially.

  Goody sent Hannah a Significant Glance, then answered. "Yes, thank you."

  They went on, and came to a little green boy playing with another boy. "Hello, Olive."

  "Hi, fellows." He continued playing, paying them no more attention.

  "Now he makes imaginary boys, not girls," Hannah murmured.

  They came to Hazel, who was now male. "How does it feel to be altered?" Goody asked.

  "What?"

  "To change from female to male?"

  "What are you talking about? I've always been male. Everyone's male, here in No Woman's Land."

  Hannah returned the Significant Glance to Goody. The inhabitants didn't know!

  "What a crackbrain!"

  "And you boys still have your bleeping bird. I thought you were going to get rid of it."

  "No such luck, yet," Hannah said.

  They went on. "Did you notice how their clothes fit?" Goody asked. "They must have changed with the people. Why didn't ours?"

  "Because we're outsiders. That's why we're aware of the change. Probably if we stayed here a while, we'd lose track too."

  "I find that scary."

  "So do I."

  They continued on out the gate, which now said NO WOMAN'S LAND. Even the stone had changed! "I'll wait here," Goody said. "With the parody."

  "That will help. I'll hurry." She/he disappeared back through the gate.

  Goody settled down for a snooze. This had been quite enough of a day!

  Then he thought of something. The parody had never changed. Did that mean it was neuter, or that it was impossible to tell its gender? Well, did it matter? Its nature was obnoxious regardless.

  He woke as Hannah returned, female again. "Let's get the bleep away from here," she said. "This place gives me the creeps."

  "Impossible! You're already a creep."

  "What did you do with the key?"

  "I've got it in my pack. Should we leave it here?"

  "Let's keep it, just in case we should ever have to return here. We don't want to be subject to another involuntary change."

  "Agreed."

  They walked away from No Man's Land.

  5

  Bounce

  Once they got well away from No Man's Land, they relaxed. They found a field of daisies and sat there, resting. "I thought I was afraid of nothing," Hannah said. "But I'm afraid of turning male. What a horror!"

  "You look good as a barbarian lout, damsel."

  She flung a pebble at the bird, which missed. It would have hit, had she wanted it to.

  Goody nodded. "Likewise, only vice versa." He picked a daisy flower and sniffed it. From up close he realized that it was actually in the shape of a letter E. That was curious.

  Then Hannah was hustling him out of there. "Those are daze-E's!" she said.

  Goody looked around dazedly. "Like what?"

  "Sniff them and you're dazed. We can't camp in that field. We'd never get organized."

  He was recovering his equilibrium. "Oh. Yes."

  There was a big sign at the edge of the field. Goody tried to read it, but it didn't seem to have words, just what appeared to be the beaks of assorted birds, some of which were falling off.

  "Ho ho ho!" the peeve laughed.

  "I must still be too dazed to focus," Goody said.

  "No, you see it clearly enough. It's a billboard."

  Goody groaned. "I just want a safe, peaceful place to stay the night."

  Hannah pulled a bill off the board and unrolled it like paper. "What does this say?" she asked, showing it to him.

  "You can't read it yourself?"

  "Barbarians are illiterate."

  "They are?"

  "It's in the Barbarian Handbook. Not that I've read it, of course."

  Goody was not at all sure of that, but let it go. "Leigh and Anne," he read. "Room and board for a good tale."

  "That sounds good. Where's their house?"

  "Behind the billboard," he read.

  She took the paper, rolled it back into form, and plugged it back onto the board. Then they walked around the billboard. There was a neat cottage they somehow had not seen before.

  They went to its door. Goody knocked. It opened to show a girl of about seventeen with a solid nice figure, cream-colored hair that fell short to her ears, and large innocent blue eyes.

  "What a dizzy chick! Did her hair get caught in a bucket of sour milk?"

  Oops. The parody was at it again. Goody opened his mouth.

  "Oh, a goblin, a barbarian wench, and a talking bird!" the girl said. "Wonderful. Do come in. I'm Leigh. I'm sure you have a fascinating tale."

  They didn't argue. They entered. Inside was another girl of similar age, with long auburn hair with copper streaks. Her body was extremely shapely, as were her features, but she seemed to be too shy to speak.

  "Curves to die for," Hannah muttered. "Good thing I'm not envious."

  "This is my younger twin sister Anne," Leigh said. "She does as she is told."

  "I am Goody Goblin. This is Hannah Barbarian, and the bird is—"

  The peeve opened its beak to say something nasty, but Anne smiled at it, lighting the room, and the bird was silent.

  "A pet peeve," Goody continued, amazed. "Looking for a good home." Could this be it?

  "Anne, go set the table for our guests." The girl obeyed. "We don't want a talking bird. But we'll listen to your fascinating tale tonight."

  Obviously the elder, plainer twin was the boss of this establishment. Goody did not feel it was his place to argue. But had he been human, the younger twin could have made him do anything, just by smiling. She had stifled the obnoxious bird; even the peeve was unable to be peevish in the face of such loveliness.

  They had just settled down to eat a delicious meal when there was a tramping sound outside. Goody was ready to jump off the high stool they had set up for him, because there was a familiar thud to it. All goblins knew and feared the sound of ogre tromps. "Anne, see what that is," Leigh snapped.

  Anne, who was on her feet because she was serving, walked to the wall—and through it, disappearing.

  "A bleeping ghost!" the bird said.

  "No, that's her talent," Leigh said. "She can diffuse until she is ghostlike. It's handy when we want to check something without making a commotion."

  Anne returned through the wall. "An ogre is coming," she said. "He says he's Rek King, going to meet his queen at the Rek King Ball."

  "Well, he can't stay here," Leigh said. "We've already got company."

  Hannah stood. "Ogres don't like to hear the word No," she said. "I can go out and—"

  "I'll handle it," Leigh said. She walked to the door, and through it, but not in the manner of her sister. She left a person-sized hole in it, with splintered wood at the edges.

  "That's her talent," Anne explained shyly. "To make herself so solid she's like a brick wall."

  "So I see," Hanna
h said. It was becoming clear why these sisters were not concerned about abusive visitors. One was too solid to gainsay, the other too ghostlike, when they chose.

  There was a crash outside, like that of a mighty acorn tree falling on a boulder, or two dragons smashing in midair. Then Leigh walked back in through the door. "We collided," she said. "He changed his mind."

  Goody couldn't think of what to say, so he generated a compliment. "There are qualities in the two of you to be admired."

  "Thanks," Leigh said gruffly, and Anne smiled. Goody felt bathed in sparkling warmth.

  After the meal, they settled down to tell their tale. Goody explained about the Finger, and his agreement to find a home for the parody. Then it was Hannah's turn.

  "I'm thirty something," she said, "and life got dull. So I decided to have a really good barbarian adventure, before thinking about settling down. The wildest adventures are by those performing Services for the Good Magician, in exchange for Answers to their Questions. So I made up the stupidest question I could think of and went there."

  "What question was that?" Leigh asked.

  "What is the nature of ultimate reality?" she said.

  "Why would a barbarian care about something like that?"

  "I told you it was stupid."

  "Did he give you an Answer?"

  "Humfrey told me that I would know it once I completed the Service, and the Service was guarding Goody Goblin while he shopped the obnoxious bird around. So far it's been pretty good."

  They continued with the story of their adventures so far, including the embarrassing love spring confusion and No Man's Land. Every time the parody got ready to comment, Anne glanced at it with the hint of a smile that stifled it. The twins agreed it was a fine tale, worthy of the night's lodging.

  Then it was time to sleep. "You'll use Anne's room," Leigh said. Then, before Goody could get out a protest, "She'll join me, of course." Oh.

  In the morning the smashed door had been replaced, by what agency they didn't know. They had a pleasant breakfast and resumed their journey.

  They spied a small boy doing something odd. His head did not seem to be quite even, but that wasn't it. He was standing by a small pond, gesturing.