Pet Peeve

by Piers Anthony

  "I'm so sorry!" Kiya called. "But thank you for the mark-hers."

  "You're welcome," Hannah called back. "We understand."

  They went on, accompanied by the bears and tunes. "Bleep!" Goody swore. "Bleep bloop bleep! I hope some spells remain for when we need them."

  Fourtunately the evoked spells did not last long. The bears, finding nothing to fight, faded out. The foursights, seeing nothing special, reverted to two eyes.

  "I think the fourtunes brought you good luck to cancel out much of the rest," Hannah said. "The music must be a side effect."

  "That's good," Goody agreed. "Kiya wasn't fooling about complications! That's an awful curse."

  "Almost as bad as being a polite male gob," the peeve agreed.

  Castle Roogna came into sight. "Whom do we want to see this time?" Hannah asked.

  "I think not Princess Ida."

  "Maybe the three little princesses will have a suggestion."

  But when they approached the castle, no princesses appeared to greet them. Instead there was an older girl, about fourteen, dark of hair and eye, quite pretty. "Hello, Goody Goblin and Hannah Barbarian," she said softly. "I am Princess Eve. May I help you?"

  "Hi, babe!"

  "The bird talks," Hannah said quickly.

  Now Goody saw the golden crown, almost hidden by her flowing hair. "Another princess?" he asked, somewhat dully.

  "There are five of us younger ones," Eve said. "You encountered Grey and Ivy's triplets before, Melody, Harmony, and Rhythm. Dawn and I are Dolph and Electra's twins, five years older. The others are away today, so that leaves me in charge of the castle, as it were."

  "Oh. Uh, we have a problem. There may be danger to Xanth."

  "Then you'll need to see Grandfather Dor. He's the king."

  "Um, maybe we do. If kings see goblins, that is."

  "Or barbarians," Hannah said.

  "He'll see you," Eve said confidently. "I'll show you in."

  "Just like that?" Goody asked, bemused.

  "How else did you have in mind?"

  "She sure corked your spout!"

  "I like your bird."

  "Oh yeah, darkie? You wouldn't if you knew me better."

  "I'll never know you well enough. That's my sister's talent."

  That stifled the parody for the moment. Hannah picked up the dialogue. "Your sister would be a sorceress?"

  "Of course. All of Bink's descendants are magician-caliber talents. Dawn knows all about any living thing she touches. I know all about any inanimate thing. So I can't touch the bird and learn its secrets."

  "Praise the Demon for small favors, blackhead!"

  Goody noted with private bemusement that this was the first time he had heard the bird repeat an insult. It had called Breanna or her daughter blackhead. Of course Eve's hair was jet black, so it fit.

  Eve turned her head and smiled down at the parody. Its knees went rubbery (it had knees?) and it almost fell off Goody's shoulder. Goody knew exactly how that was, as he was at the periphery, not the focus of her expression, yet her dark beauty made his own knees lose cohesion. She was still a girl, but already possessed some of the womanly attributes that would make her dangerous quite apart from her magic or status as a princess.

  As they crossed the drawbridge at the moat, a huge green head lifted from the water. "This is Souffle Serpent, our resident moat monster," Eve said.

  Goody nodded. That would be Sesame Serpent's boyfriend. If princesses could switch out, so could monsters.

  "Whatsa matter greensnoot—you swallow a barrel of emetic?" Goody's voice called.

  "It's the bird," the princess said.

  The monster considered, then sank back under the water as they entered the castle.

  They came to the audience chamber. Goody saw a raised platform, a dais, with two thrones, occupied by an elder man and woman. The king and queen of Xanth.

  Suddenly Goody's knees felt worse than rubbery. "I—I—what do I—how do I—"

  "Just bow your head briefly when I introduce you," Eve said. She was evidently used to this kind of reaction on the part of visitors. "We don't stand much on ceremony here."

  "Look what's skulking in," a gravelly voice said. "A wretched goblin and a disreputable barbarian moll."

  "Oh—and the furniture talks, near Grandfather," Eve said. "His talent is to talk to the inanimate, and it talks back. Close to him, it talks even when he doesn't. Grandma Irene's is to grow plants. That's the floor, just now. Just ignore it."

  "Oh yeah, evening shade?" the floor said. "How would you like me to blab to the world the color of your—"

  The princess stamped the floor warningly with one slippered foot, and the sentence wasn't finished. Goody found that interesting too; the floor was of course in an ideal position to see up under a girl's skirt, but could be stomped into submission.

  "And get a load of that ugly bird," the wall said. "If I had a beak like that, I'd have it sawn off."

  "Listen, wall-banger," the parody retorted. "If I had a paint job like that, I'd pray for a sandstorm."

  "Quiet, both of you," Eve snapped, evincing sudden royal authority. Both were silent.

  They came to stand before the dais, facing the king and queen, who were in their early sixties and looked quite stately. "Your Majesties King Dor and Queen Irene, this is Goody Goblin," Eve said formally.

  Goody bowed his head, glad that she had told him what to do.

  "And Hannah Barbarian." Hannah bowed her head.

  "And their pet peeve."

  "Go soak your royal snoots in boot rear!"

  Goody and Hannah stiffened, appalled. But both king and queen laughed. "I see you have the unenviable task of finding a home for the Gorgon's parody," the king said.

  "I can't think why that should be difficult," the queen said, tittering. She was surrounded by green plants, as if in a little arboretum.

  "Uh, yes," Goody said. "But that's not—"

  "Not what brings you here," the king said. "To be sure. What is your concern, Goody?"

  "As if a motley goblin could have any concern other than mayhem," the dais said. "What a laugh!"

  The queen tapped her toe, and the dais was silent. "Do tell us, Goody," she said.

  "It—it's the robots," he said. "We didn't mean to—we were trading with the dragon, but—" He stalled out, aware that he wasn't making much sense.

  "What an ignoramus!" the floor said.

  "Well, he can't get lower than you, scuffle tile!"

  That was a new one: the parody was defending him. Probably because that was where the best insult offered.

  Hannah took over. "What my friend means to say is that we visited Robot World and brought back a program to make a construction robot for a dragon, and inadvertently loosed a robot invasion of Xanth. Now we don't know what to do about it, and thought we should tell you. We are very sorry for perpetrating this mischief."

  "You are very well spoken for a barbarian," the queen said.

  "I think I've been associating with this polite goblin too long," Hannah said, embarrassed. "I'm sure I'll revert to normal once this mission is done."

  "A polite male goblin," the king said. "That is remarkable."

  "The fool drank water spiked with reverse wood dust," the parody said. "What a milquetoast!"

  "The Good Magician felt he was the only one who would not wring this bird's neck," Hannah explained.

  The king and queen laughed again. "Humfrey's smart," the queen said.

  "And now you feel responsible for the problem your activity may have generated," the king said.

  "Yes, Your Majesty. If I'd just thought it through—"

  "As if the little dope could think anything through!"

  "It wasn't obvious at the time," Hannah said. "The machines tricked us. We weren't aware of what was happening until the robots showed up at Castle Zombie."

  "I think this bears further examination," the king said. "Eve will go with you to investigate, and report back later to me."


  "A stupid girl!"

  "But we tried to—their factory was gone," Goody said.

  "Thank you, Your Majesty," Hannah said. "We appreciate your decision."

  "Very well spoken," the queen murmured appreciatively.

  Eve led the way out. "Good riddance!" the floor called.

  "What a grab-bag of characters," the wall said. "Xanth is doomed."

  "Oh, yeah, you scruffy boards? Wail till the robots get their drills and saws into you."

  Then they were outside the chamber, and the surroundings were quiet. "How come you were defending us?" Hannah asked.

  "I wasn't," the peeve said, confirming Goody's suspicion. "I just couldn't let an insult go unreturned."

  "Are you sure it is wise for you to travel with us?" Goody asked Eve. "You're a—a—"

  "Pretty girl," Hannah finished. "It's a question of propriety."

  "Grandma took your measure," Eve said. "She says it's all right."

  Goody wondered when she could have said that. Before their audience?

  "But there may be danger."

  "Grandma gave me some seeds."

  "Seeds?"

  "You'd be surprised."

  "What's to know, nightshade?"

  It seemed the insults were recyclable for a new target.

  Eve glanced at the parody. "Do you imitate anyone's voice?"

  The bird fluttered up to land on Hannah's shoulder. "What's it to you, dark girl?" it demanded with the barbarian's voice.

  "Come perch on my shoulder a while."

  The peeve hesitated. The princess smiled at it. It wavered as if blown by a warm wind, then hopped across to her shoulder.

  "Do you need to pack?" Hannah asked. "I mean, as a princess you must have need for special things, and of course there's the question of privacy."

  "As I said, I have seeds."

  Hannah shrugged. The girl seemed sure of herself.

  They crossed the moat. The moat monster's head lifted from the water to inspect them.

  "You still here, you oversized worm?" the princess's voice said. "Is that your tail end you're raising? It's too ugly to be your head."

  Souffle's big jaw dropped. How could the princess be saying such things to him? Then he spied the bird, and caught on. The princess was having her little joke. He nodded.

  "Right, Souffle," Eve said. "It's the bird. I couldn't resist flipping you the bird."

  The monster winked, and disappeared below the surface. It was evident that he and the castle folk got along well. But if an evil intruder ever came, it might be another matter.

  "We didn't see that monster the first time we came here," Hannah remarked. "We saw Sesame."

  "I envy them. They have a relationship."

  And she did not? Surely not from inability to attract a man.

  "We don't mean to pry," Hannah said carefully. "But it seems to me that—"

  "Do you have a boyfriend?"

  "No. But—"

  "Because you need a brute barbarian, and they're scarce in these parts."

  "Yes. But—"

  "Well, I need a human prince, or reasonable facsimile thereof, and any we encounter see my sister Dawn first. Her smile is like daybreak."

  "And yours is like the embrace of night," Hannah said. "I see the problem. But I suspect as many men would like a night relationship as well as a day one."

  "And Grandma Irene rousts out any who even begin to think of it. She thinks I'm too young."

  "The dread Adult Conspiracy," Goody said. "But when you are eighteen—"

  "Four years hence?" she demanded disdainfully. "I'll be dead of old age by then!"

  There didn't seem to be much response to that; they were not going to pacify her.

  "Good thing you two were never fourteen. You'd have messed up the whole system."

  That was the peeve, still with the princess.

  "Neither was Grandma Irene, really," the real Eve said. "She started the Adult Conspiracy, you know, once she was safely past the panty-showing stage. She flashed them to nail Grandpa Dor, then decreed no one else was supposed to do it. So how are the rest of us supposed to cope?"

  "Oh, it can be done," Hannah said. "Stand in the way of a strong gust of wind when a man is looking, so your skirt blows up without warning. Take an accidental spill and roll heels over head. Prospects are limited only by imagination and nerve. It's almost impossible to prove intent."

  "Hannah!" Goody said, horrified.

  "Well, I'm a barbarian, of course. But civilized girls do it too."

  "Not underaged ones."

  "Of course not," Eve said thoughtfully.

  They left the enchanted path, going south to the original robot factory site. Soon they were there.

  "This was where we laid out the elements to make the first little robot," Goody said. "But they have moved on, and we don't know where. There are too many trails for Hannah to track."

  Eve squatted to pick up a dark leaf. As she did so, her skirt hiked up slightly, showing a flash of black panty. Goody stiffened, his eyes locked in place. Black was goblin panty color! Then she shifted position, the skirt dropped down, and nothing showed. His eyes thawed. Of course it had been an unconscious accident, and he felt guilty for noticing. Especially since she was underage.

  "The girl learns fast," Hannah murmured.

  The princess stood, studying the leaf. "Ironwood," she said. "Once alive, but now dead, so I can fathom it. It came from an old tree in the ironwood forest south of here. They carried in the branch, used the iron, and only this non-iron leaf was left."

  "All that from one leaf?" Hannah asked.

  "It's my talent. I can go into more detail if you wish. My sister could have done the same with a living leaf."

  "Can you tell exactly where it grew?" Goody asked. "It occurs to me that an ironwood forest would be the ideal place for their factory."

  "Certainly. Let's go there now."

  They marched on south. "Caution," Eve said as they approached a hillock. She was reading the leaf. "This item passed by a small dragon's lair, a smoker, and the robots had to battle it, losing several of their number, before beating it back with dented teeth. They left it in a very bad mood. We don't want to pass the same way."

  "From the leaf?" Goody asked, amazed.

  "And from the dragon smoke coating it," Eve agreed. "That's the thing about things, both animate and inanimate: they are composed of many elements, and each element has its own history. A lot can be learned."

  Obviously so. Goody was becoming more impressed. He had never associated with a sorceress before, and had tended to dismiss their powers as more legendary than practical.

  They made a detour around that section of the route, but were able to see some of the signs of the scuffle. Saplings had been beaten down and were coated with smoke, and there was a broken dragon scale on the ground. Indeed, that dragon was not in a good mood.

  And the princess had called it out before they came to it. From the information in a single soiled leaf.

  "We will not make it today, and it's dangerous to travel at night," Eve said. "We'd better camp."

  "I'll keep an eye out for pie plants," Hannah said. "And a stream, so we can drink and wash. I'll construct a lean-to."

  "No need."

  Hannah paused. "Princesses don't eat or wash?"

  Eve smiled. "Princesses don't rough it when they don't have to. Pick a convenient glade and I'll plant one of Grandma's seeds."

  The barbarian shrugged. Soon she found a nice glade.

  Eve brought out a purse and extracted a single seed. "These are pre-invoked, so Grandma doesn't need to be here to say 'Grow!'" She touched it to her mouth and set it on the ground. "Just a bit of saliva to trigger it," she said. "Then stand back."

  The seed sprouted. Roots plunged into the ground, and shoots spread out in a circle. It quickly grew to considerable diameter, causing them to step back. Then the shoots made square turns and grew upward, forming eight saplings that thickened into trunks as
they grew. At about head height on a human they radiated branches that reached out sideways to interlock with each other, forming a cylindrical enclosure. From there they angled up and toward the center, until they met and twined about each other, making the connection tight. Then leaves sprouted, growing large and flat, covering the slanting roof and spreading down to cover the sides as well.

  In fact it was coming to look a lot like a house. "A houseplant!" Goody said, catching on.

  "Duh!" the bird said with the princess's voice, as it had remained with her.

  "A primed houseplant," Eve agreed. "It will serve the night. Of course we won't be able to use it again elsewhere; it is firmly anchored here. So I don't want to waste the seeds. But this shouldn't be more than a three-day excursion. If it is, we'll have to make do with your lean-to."

  "Suppose a hostile creature comes?" Hannah asked.

  "There are thorns." Eve carefully lifted up a leaf on the side, showing the thick spikes under it. "We'll have to use only the doorway, where the thorns retreat when requested, nicely. It's pretty tough, overall. But if a fire dragon attacks it, we'll need other magic."

  "I'm impressed," Hannah said. "This is good shelter. But we'll also need food and water."

  "Duh!" the parody repeated.

  Eve brought out two more seeds, and touched them to her tongue before dropping them to the ground. They too sprouted immediately. One soon became recognizable as a pie plant. The other turned out to be a watermelon plant. The seeds did indeed provide everything they needed.

  They ate pies and drank water tapped from the watermelons. They chatted about this and that, and Eve told them how she and Dawn had met and traveled with Forrest Faun when they were Old Enough on Ida's moons. That required some explaining. It seemed that on Ptero, the first moon, time equaled geography, or vice versa, so they could be eighteen at the same time they were only six in Xanth. They had had, Eve thought, quite a fling with the faun. But she didn't know the details, because of the Adult Conspiracy. "But I mean to be good and ready, when the time comes," she concluded.

  Goody was sure she would be.

  Then it was time to wash. "We girls will set up the house while you wash," Hannah said, abating a looming crisis. "Then you'll go inside while we do."