Where the Heart Lies

by Amanda Ray

  Where the Heart Lies

  Amanda Ray

  Copyright © 2020 Amanda Ray

  All rights reserved

  The characters and events portrayed in this book are fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.

  No part of this book may be reproduced, or stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without express written permission of the publisher.

  ISBN-13: 9781234567890

  ISBN-10: 1477123456

  Cover design by: Art Painter

  Library of Congress Control Number: 2018675309

  Printed in the United States of America

  Contents

  Title Page

  Copyright

  Dedication

  Prologue

  Chapter 1

  Chapter 2

  Chapter 3

  Chapter 4

  Chapter 5

  Chapter 6

  Chapter 7

  Chapter 8

  Chapter 9

  Chapter 10

  Chapter 11

  Chapter 12

  Chapter 13

  Chapter 14

  Chapter 15

  Chapter 16

  Chapter 17

  Chapter 18

  Chapter 19

  Chapter 20

  Chapter 21

  Chapter 22

  Chapter 23

  Chapter 24

  Chapter 25

  Chapter 26

  Chapter 27

  Chapter 28

  Chapter 29

  Chapter 30

  Chapter 31

  Chapter 32

  Chapter 33

  Chapter 34

  Playlist:

  Acknowledgements

  Dedicated to all the Freya’s out there...thank you for telling your story.

  Prologue

  I sat down in the circle of seats. Women all around me. Some I've seen before, some new. All of us here for the same reason. All of us with similar stories. All of us fighters. Survivors.

  I took a deep breath, rolling my neck to loosen up the tension that had been sitting on my shoulders for days.

  Weeks.

  Months.

  Years.

  I closed my eyes and prepared to tell my story.

  ◆◆◆

  My life was never perfect.

  I never came from the traditional family.

  My life was filled with bumps and bruises.

  Aches and pains.

  Blood and trauma.

  I never thought I would be here.

  Never thought that my life would have gone the way that it did.

  I never thought, never even dreamed, that I would lose so much. But in the end I gained a lot too.

  I fought my way through a lot and made it out okay, but I never thought that the one thing that could possibly tear me apart....would be my heart.

  Chapter 1

  It was the summer of my sophomore year. Sixteen and the only thing on my mind was hanging out with my friends and longing for the boy who had my heart. If only he knew how I felt. Or rather, if he even knew I existed!

  Jeremiah.

  That was his name. Green eyes that looked like emeralds, dirty blonde hair that you just wanted to run your fingers through, 5'11 and muscular, every girl's fantasy. At least it was my fantasy, but he was real. Oh so real.

  I was at my best friend Lily's house, like usual, getting ready for what was going to be the best night of our lives - at sixteen anyway.

  "Lily can I try on that black dress?" I asked loudly over the music playing, "Sure, Freya! I think it'll look so hot on you!" She answered with just a touch of jealousy in her tone.

  Lily has been my best friend since Elementary school - third grade to be exact - when I moved from Florida to New Jersey. She came up to me my first day and asked how I got to be so tan, needless to say we've been friends ever since. Little did she know then, that my tan was natural.

  Lily's strawberry blonde hair and dark blue eyes, that glistened with a hint of green specs when the sun hit them, contrasted beautifully on her pale milky skin. I've always been jealous of her gorgeous features considering I've had brown hair and brown eyes for my entire existence but Lily always joked and said that she would always be jealous of my olive skin tone from my Hispanic side, so it works out that I'll always be jealous of her eye color.

  I tried on her black dress and stood in front of her mom's floor length mirror. It was tight and just long enough to cover my butt, with skinny straps at my shoulders and a low cut, it showed what little breasts I had - yet another reason to envy Lily. She developed way before me, sixteen and already a C cup where I was just getting into an A cup. I frowned in the mirror as I lifted the dress up over my chest.

  "Freya, it looks so good! You have to wear that to the party!" Her voice was filled with excitement from across the room. A mascara wand in her hand hovering in the air as if she stopped mid apply to scan my body, she stood there in awe.

  "Isn't it just a little too big on top though?" I asked slightly embarrassed. Shuttering at the gap between my breasts and the thin material of the dress. Looking down I sighed, making the gap known by pulling it away and then pulling it tighter to show the extra material.

  "Don't be ridiculous!" Lily never failed to put me in my place when I was feeling insecure, " I wish I had your butt! Your curves fill out that dress so well, don't worry about the top. I'll beat up anyone who says something!" she finished with a wink. Lily and I may have always been envious of each other for some things but when it came to other people, we would always have each other's back and no one would dare say anything about us.

  Lily and I finished getting ready an hour later. Me in the black, skinny strap dress (that I secretly pinned to make sure my non-existent breasts didn’t pop out) paired with some black converse sneakers and her in a yellow plaid skirt with a black crop top with high heels. She borrowed her mom's keys and we ran out the door before her mom, Deb, could get the chance to ask us any questions. We got into the blue ford minivan and drove to the beach where Chris, Lily's crush, was having his huge party. We were blasting music all the way down, singing at the top of our lungs that I swore we weren’t going to have voices by the time we arrived. Everything ranging from Paramore, to The Fray, Evanescence, Beyoncé, Shaggy and Christina Aguilera. I had even gotten Lily hooked on some Spanish music.

  When we finally got to Chris's party, it was like a scene from a movie. Bonfires on the beach-basically every single person from our high school was there - beer in bottles and kegs, loud music and people running into the ocean after throwing their clothes on the sand. My eyes took in the full scene in front of me and my stomach fluttered with excitement.

  Lily spotted Chris from a mile away and instantly ran to him, leaving me to walk by myself. I was looking around to see if I recognized anyone else when I stopped in my tracks. There he was! Standing in the dim light of the fire, holding a red cup in his hand, laughing and talking to other members of the football team. His dirty blonde hair tousled from the slight breeze. His black and white flannel was opened showing off his chiseled chest, his shorts rested just below the dip in his hips giving everyone the full view of his natural V shape. Jeez, that V thing would make any person drool. I couldn't help staring at the gorgeous being just a mile ahead of me. Taking all of him in. Daydreaming of being able to just walk up to him and say those simple words.....

  "Freya!" Lily yelled, scaring me half to death. She jumped on my back and kissed my cheek. Jeremiah looked over at us taking us in and smiled.

  I quickly dropped Lily off of me, " You scared me!" I turned to smile at h
er and shook off the image of thinking Jeremiah was actually looking at us. At me.

  "Hey Chris," I said, giving him a nod. Chris Porter was a wide receiver on the football team (whatever the hell that means), at least six feet tall already, light brown eyes, black as night hair and just as attractive as Jeremiah. And he only had eyes for one girl - my best friend.

  "Hey Freya" we kissed each other on the cheek, "How ya been girl" Chris said with a grin on his face.

  "Oh you know, same old, same old" I said rolling my eyes with a smile.

  "Still staring at Jeremiah I see" Lily said, jerking her chin over toward him. I hit her, attempting to inform her how mad I was that she just told Chris about my crush.

  "Jeremiah? Jeremiah Kartwright?" Chris sounded intrigued.

  "Yes” I dragged out looking down to hide the flush of embarrassment.

  "He's my boy! You want me to introduce you?" He sounded excited almost but I tried not to read too much into it.

  "Yes!" Lily answered before I could even open my mouth.

  "Well come on then!" Chris grabbed my hand and attempted to walk me over to the fire that Jeremiah was standing at. I let go wanting to drag my feet but continued to walk with him as I quietly yelled at Lily for putting me in this situation.

  I was still whisper-yelling at Lily when we got to the fire pit. Chis and Jeremiah did their weird handshake that boys do and Lily and I tried our best to hold in our laughs.

  "Hey Jeremiah, you know my girlfriend Lily right?" Chris said breaking out of their handshake.

  "Girlfriend?" Lily asked, a little shocked.

  " Yes, my girlfriend" Chris replied, smirking at her.

  "Yea! Hi, how are you?" Jeremiah asked, giving Lily his full attention.

  "Even better now!" Lily laughed, nodding over to me "This is my best friend Freya."

  "You were in my gym class right?" he asked me.

  "Yea" I stammered. Lily hit my arm "Ow" I whispered to her before repeating more confidently "Yea. I was."

  Jeremiah chuckled and shot me a smile. "Yea I remember you".

  "Oh really?" The sarcasm could not be missed in my tone.

  "Yea, you are.... very hard to forget" Jeremiah said with another smile as he looked down. Did I make him nervous too? Hard to forget? What?

  I smiled back, my cheeks flushed and couldn't help but look at the gorgeous being standing in front of me. Talking to me! Holy crap I was talking to Jeremiah! Don’t freak out, bitch! Keep it cool.

  "Oh my god! We love this song" Lily screamed hitting me." This is our jam! We're gonna go dance, you boys bring us a drink, ok?" Lily grabbed me before I could even recognize the song playing. Dragging me closer to the stereo where everyone was dancing, we jumped right in. We danced to Move ya Body by Nina Sky, swaying our bodies back and forth, caressing each other's bodies. The boys stood in the distance watching and talking to each other and I couldn't help but wonder what exactly they were discussing.

  "What do you think they're talking about?" I yelled in Lily's ear nodding toward the guys.

  "Who knows" She shrugged, " but I'll get it out of Chris later because apparently I'm his girlfriend now" her smile brighter than the moon.

  When the song ended we walked over to get our drinks, sweating and out of breath. Lily jumped on over playfully, taking a sip of her drink and said, "So J, can I call you J?"

  "Uhm sure" Jeremiah responded, as if it was really a question.

  "So J, do you think Freya is hot?" Lily asked with a smile.

  "Oh. My. God. Lily!" I yelled in embarrassment, "Please don't answer that! She is horrible" I hit Lily in the arm, "She's had too much to drink!"

  "I've barely even had anything to drink!" Lily exclaimed, "But I could go for something to eat at the diner" an innocent smile graced her face.

  "I could always eat so I'm down," I said, shaking my head and returning her smile.

  "Do you boys want to come?" She asked Jeremiah and Chris.

  "Of course" Chris replied.

  "Yea, sure, I can eat" Jeremiah nodded.

  ◆◆◆

  Twenty minutes later we all meet at the Diner by Lily's house called Ray's. We grabbed the booth in the corner, Lily and I's usual table. Our waitress came over and asked "The usual ladies? I see you've got some company this time, you want me to give you a minute?"

  "I think we're good Barb, we're gonna get our usual and then the boys can order theirs."

  "OK great, what would you like boys?"

  "I'll take a cheeseburger with fries and a coke, please." Chris said, as both Lily and I gave him a disappointing look, "What?"

  "Oh nothing" we both said in unison looking at each other and laughing.

  "And what about you honey?" Barb asked Jeremiah.

  "I'll take a cheeseburger with fries, and a Pepsi, please." Jeremiah answered.

  Lily and I looked at each other again, then turned to smile at Jeremiah. The boys looked at each other then looked at us with confusion written on their brows. Just then we started talking about how Pepsi is better than Coke, ganging up on Chris as our drinks came out. The boys then started to guess what our usual order was, completely failing at the task. Barb walked out with our food 10 minutes later and the boys couldn't hide their expressions. Shock clear in their eyes.

  "Two cheeseburgers with fries for the boys." Barb handed them their food, "and for the ladies, pancakes, grilled cheese, cheeseburger with mayo and ketchup, French fries with brown gravy on the side, extra pickles on the side and a piece of lemon meringue pie." Barb shouted out our usual as she laid down the food in front of us. The boys looked down at the food and then back up at us with amusement.

  "You gonna eat all that?" Chris said in disbelief.

  "Oh just watch us!" I responded with a sassy voice full of confidence.

  "My kind of girl." Jeremiah smiled at me and I couldn't help but blush.

  We ate our meals, laughing and talking about the summer and what the new school year was going to be like. Never going a moment in silence.

  "What's that like?" J questioned as I put a French fry in some gravy.

  "You've never tried it?" I replied in shock.

  "No." he laughed, "I've never seen anyone eat French fries with gravy, so I didn't even think about putting them together."

  "It's so good!"excitement clear in my voice, " Here! You need to try it!" I dipped the fry in gravy and held my hand under it so it didn't drip when I brought it over to his mouth.

  "Open your mouth!"

  "I'm trusting you" he said staring at me intensely.

  "Just open!" I put the fry in his mouth and smiled, "So?"

  "It's really good!" he said in shock, as if he knew he wasn't going to like it.

  "See! I told you!" I said proudly.

  "Yeah, yeah. Maybe you were right. But don't let it go to your head" he rolled his emeralds and smiled.

  "I mean, you just admitted I was right. I think we should forever remember this moment" I said bosting loudly for the whole table to hear.

  "History was just made here ladies and gentlemen" , Lily said, " A man just admitted that a woman was right. This is one for the big books, one to remember."

  We looked at her and then looked back at each other. "Yes, one to remember" Jeremiah stared into my eyes as if looking deep into my soul.I chuckled trying to ignore the butterflies in my stomach.

  Before we left the diner Lily made it a point to get Jeremiah and I to exchange phone numbers and from that point on the four of us were inseparable.

  ◆◆◆

  The summer flew by after that. We made memory after memory. Going to the beach, pushing the ford minivan in reverse when it got stuck in the mud, driving around for hours blasting music and endless Wawa runs. Jeremiah and I had gotten so close in such a short time. He put his arm around me all the time, we kissed each other on the cheek every time we met and we stayed on the phone for hours on end. Lily said that we should just admit that we're dating but he never asked me to be his girlfriend. Even though
that's exactly what I wanted.

  It was a week before our junior year was about to start and Jeremiah and I were sitting on the curb outside of 7-11 waiting for Chris and Lily to stop making out.

  "Do you think it'll be different?" Jeremiah asked

  "What do you mean?" I was confused by his question.

  "School I mean." he said nervously "Do you think this year is going to be different?"

  "Yeah. I mean Lily has Chris. I have..." I stopped myself. Jeremiah looked at me as if waiting for me to finish.

  "You have me." he said, bumping into my shoulder.

  "Yeah." I chuckled, trying to hide what a big deal it was to me "I have you."

  I smiled as my heart pounded out of my chest and repeated quietly...

  "I have you."

  Chapter 2

  Junior year was going just as fast as the summer went and winter break was upon us. I was so excited because my family and I were taking our first trip together in what felt like a decade.

  My family was never a traditional one. I didn't come home to smiles and my mom cooking. Family dinners were rare and if we had them the conversation was short. My dad left when I was five, his last words to me "You little bitch", have been stuck in my head for most of my life. My mom raised me as a single parent until recently when she remarried another idiot... another addict. Only this one was a bit worse.

  My mother was the type of person who liked to fix things...people. She would tell you that there's good in everyone, always, some just had it deeper down than others. I’d like to believe that but I don’t. The new marriage hadn't been so bad, I mean we're going to the Poconos to go skiing and snow tubing afterall! Something I’ve never done.

  "If you want to bring someone you can." my mom, always with a smile on her face, had said. "Lily or that boy Jeremiah can come. Just let us know honey"

  "Thanks mom, but I think it should just be us." My smile was fake but my heart was racing just thinking about the fact that I would love to ask Jeremiah. He still hadn't asked me to be his girlfriend, but ever since the summer, we had been hanging out and talking on the phone almost every single day.