Where the Heart Lies

by Amanda Ray

  "Can we talk about this somewhere else?" I whispered, embarrassment taking hold of me. Jesse nodded before helping me to my feet. I tried and failed to hide the wince of pain as I moved my body. Before I knew it Jesse had bent down and scooped me into his arms. His hold was tight and warm and I naturally laid my head on his shoulder as he held me close. I could feel his heart beating fast and my hand covered his chest, in the same moment Jesse leaned down and kissed my head. So tender I wanted to cry from the warm gesture. I closed my eyes and by the time I opened them we were in his hotel room at the Ritz. I could only imagine what the fancy, schmancy, people thought about the hulky, brooding, drop dead gorgeous man carrying the bruised and bleeding girl through the hotel. My head shook, trying to rid it of the wild thoughts and Jesse peered over me, his crystal blue eyes turned navy, filled with hurt.

  When I finally met his gaze there was a sigh of relief. His forehead met mine and he breathed slowly. "I thought I lost you, flower. Promise me you're done with him. Promise me. Please. It was bad enough not talking to you or seeing you because it was a choice but to have him potentially take you away from me for good? I couldn’t live like that. I can’t not have you in my life. I can’t lose you, Freya. Not like that." his voice was barely heard and my heart clenched at his words. He sounded so hurt and I couldn’t help the stream of tears that started to leave my eyes.

  I looked up at him as he wiped them away from my cheeks with his thumbs, I nodded, understanding exactly how he felt because if I ever lost him for good, permanently, I don’t think I could survive it. "I'm done with him. I promise. I left him. I'm done." my voice broke and the reality of what had happened to me began to settle in. His face turned red, his eyes filled with darkness and anger. He was beyond furious. "And what's to fucking stop me from finding him and killing him!" Jesse bellowed, standing up abruptly from the couch and I hastily grabbed his arm, pulling his gaze back down to me. I gulped loudly before telling him, "I'm pregnant.”

  Jesse's eyes went wide. His shock couldn’t be contained and I knew exactly what was going through his mind. Questioning how far along I was. Attempting to do the math in his head. But he didn’t word his question, he simply lowered himself down to his knees in front of me and gripped my thighs. "Are you....is the....." he took a deep breath and closed his eyes briefly before meeting mine again, "Are you both alright?" I nodded, tears breached the surface of my eyes again, "I think so. I cradled my stomach when he was kicking me so I don't think he got to the baby at all." More fury invaded his face and I knew it took everything in him not to go find Kennedy and kill him.

  "Do you want me to take you to the hospital? I want to make sure you and the baby are okay." Jesse's question caught me off guard, even though it shouldn’t have. He was being protective, taking care of me, but it took me a minute to answer. I shook my head no, hoping that he understood my want to keep the situation private, my need to be alone. Jesse nodded his head in understanding and then pulled me up from the couch. He held me in his arms and brought us to the king sized bed. He lays me down gently before heading to the bathroom, returning with a warm washcloth. Without a word Jesse bent down and began to clean me up. Carefully and gently he wiped over my entire body, wincing and whimpering slightly at the cuts and bruises as if he could feel them on himself. My heart felt so full and I knew if he had looked up he would have seen so much love in my eyes as I watched him take care of me. When Jesse was finally content with my clean up he got settled into bed with me crawling his way from the end of the bed, up, until he reached my stomach and then gently brushed his hand over my growing bump.

  He looked up at me and back down to my tummy, leaning down he kissed me, long and soft. My eyes fluttered closed and it took everything in me not to cry hysterically. The moment felt insanely intimate and after the day I had had I didn’t think I could handle it. I grabbed Jesse's bicep and tried to pull him up toward my face, he complied and lay next to me, nuzzling his face in my hair. He took a deep breath in, his lips lightly kissed my neck, my cheek, my jaw. "I wish that it wasn't his. I pray to God that it could be mine." my breath hitched but Jesse continued, his voice came out breathy between each barely there kiss, "You deserve the world, Freya. You deserve someone who's there for you with every fiber of their being. Someone who would never, ever, hurt you. Someone who will show you, every single day, just how special you are. Because you are, Freya. You're so special." Jesse met my eyes and I blinked so fast to keep the tears at bay, "Let me be that person, Freya. Let me take care of you. Both of you. Let me show you what true love really is. Please, flower." My heart fluttered uncontrollably and the tears flooded my eyes. I hid my face in his chest and he held me as I sobbed. His words, the sweetest I'd ever heard. His sentiment was as real as could be. But I couldn’t help the voice in my head that told me to run. Bolt. Escape. Run as fast and as far away as I could. Damn, I'm so fucked up.

  Jesse's large palms cupped my cheeks and he lifted my head enough for our eyes to meet. Before I could say a word his lips were devouring mine. His body was pushed flushed against my chest, leaving no room between us. My breasts were heavy and wanting, pushed so hard against him that I could hear his breath hitch when my nipples stood to attention. In one swift motion my clothes were swept off and my bare body was exposed to his wandering eyes. I'd never been fully naked in front of him before, never had his eyes running over my bare body looking as if he wanted to lick every inch of me. Take every inch of me. My insides twisted and turned, the heat between my legs built from a small spark to a full blown flame. My body ached for him and I didn’t know if it was just the hormones or if it was just because of Jesse himself.

  His shirt was ripped off in one tugging move and his tongue came out to lick his bottom lip enticing me. It was my weakness. I leaned in and devoured his mouth with mine. Tasting every bit he would give me. My body shivered and I knew he felt it because his hand found my hair and he pulled and deepened our kiss with a groan. Instinctively my hips thrusted upward to relieve the tension making Jesse groan louder. I wanted it. I needed it.

  My hands found the buckle of his trousers and pulled it off in one swift tug that made a whipping noise before it hit the ground making Jesse chuckle at my aggressiveness. My uncontrollable actions. I was too worked up to care. As if reading my mind Jesse's hands started to trace down my body, touching all of my curves, leaving me to whimper and bite at his lower lip. He pulled back and looked at me and I groaned in frustration at his missing touch. He smiled before he quickly plunged his fingers into my hot and ready core. God, I didn't even see his hand move or feel his fingers leave my hips.

  I threw my head back on a satisfied moan. So loud that I was sure the entire floor could hear. His two fingers plunged hard and deep within me and when he curved them up just right, my body started to shake. My nerve endings were buzzing all over my body and then Jesse's thumb pressed hard on my clitoris, circling like lightning speed and I went off. My orgasm hit me without warning. My body shook uncontrollably but Jesse didn't give me time to recover. He speedily flipped me over so I was flat on my stomach, and pulled my hips in the air to align me just right with his rock hard erection.

  Without warning he thrusted deep inside me, the sound he made, somewhere between a groan and a whimper. Taking full control, one hand gripped the back of my neck, while the other dug deep into my waist, his fingers clung onto me tight. There was nothing but the sound of our sweating body's clapping together in the room, our breaths panting and labored and I couldn’t help but bite my lip at how incredibly satisfying it all was. How erotic it was. His body was like a dream and I got it all to myself. "More. More, Jesse. Give me more" I moaned and panted between thrusts, having no control over the words that escaped my mouth. I was in heaven. He grunted and smacked my ass, my insides clenched at the impact and tightened around his solid dick. Swiftly he pulled out, flipping me back over and re-inserted me without hesitation. He threw his arms under my thighs and lifted them to wrap around his neck. My body instinctivel
y grabbed the headboard before he started slamming into me. Harder. Rougher. Thrust after thrust my orgasm built, taking me higher and higher. He was making me forget. Helping me focus on him. Him and I. Not the asshole that had broken me but the man who wanted to help fix me. Make me whole and complete again.

  Jesse leaned down and bit my lips. I let out a small cry. He sped up his pace, "Give it to me, baby. Come for me, Freya. Only me, baby. Come. Come. Come on, flower, fucking come for me." His words set off an orgasm even bigger and better than the last. My limbs went weak turning into jelly and I could barely move. Jesse grunted and thrusted into me two more times before he let go. Riding his own orgasm he fell over to the side and pulled me on top of him. Our breathing was heavy but sated.

  When our breathing eventually got under control Jesse leaned over, putting me beneath him again and kissed me gently. So soft, those barely there kisses had my heart skipping a beat. He lifted his head to look down at me and I saw it. In his eyes, I could see it. His love.

  He kissed me one more time cupping my face before he trailed down my stomach. Jesse leaned over me, separating my thighs once more and slowly entered me. My back arched to meet his hips and I felt it to my core. This. This was different. He pumped into me slowly, tenderly and we were like that forever. Comfortable, slow, gentle, until we were both moaning at our climaxes. Jesse never stopped kissing me and when we were both satisfied he pulled out of me turning me gently in his arms before nuzzling us together. Body on body, his chest to my back. His nose in my hair.

  We fell asleep with me in his arms and when I woke up in the middle of the night, I did just what my subconscious had yelled earlier. I ran.

  The note I wrote lay neatly on the nightstand and my heart clenched as I took my last look at the man I was truly in love with. My best friend's brother. I looked down and cradled my stomach. My baby. I couldn’t let Jesse throw away his life for me. I couldn’t let him take care of me and a baby. He deserved so much more and I didn’t want to be the person that made him regret his decisions. I couldn’t be. I refused to let him get tangled up in my mess. My drama. But I'd be lying if I said that that was the only reason why I left. No, why I ran.

  He scared me. He scared the ever living shit out of me. I was terrified of what I was feeling. I had never felt that kind of love before. Never had someone say those words to me before. Never made love to someone before, because that's what we did when he was so soft, so gentle. I never had someone make me feel like I was the most important thing in the world. So when I felt it, it felt unnatural and I went with the first instinct I've always known. To run.

  That was the last time I really saw Jesse. I lied-or rather I omitted some information to the group because I don't want people knowing about my foolishness. I was a coward. I still am. But I also don’t want anyone to know about his special words or our special night. The way he made me feel. Those are for me and Jesse. No one else. But I'd be lying if I said I haven't come close to feeling that way again. Feeling loved. Because I have. With someone else…. with Jeremiah.

  Chapter 32

  I look around the room, eager, curious eyes bore into me as the group sits and waits for me to continue talking. "When I left Kennedy, I ran. I ran as far and as fast as I could. I only grabbed a suit case and backpack full of clothes, money and then bought the next bus ticket out of town. I couldn't be near the city, near him. I ended up in Savannah, Georgia. I never expected to be there, never really thought about living anywhere else but near the city but I found a cheap place, got a job as a waitress and had my daughter." I look up to see eyes filled with tears. Are they happy? Are they sad? Rebecca looks at me, "You did it all on your own?" I nod my head. It was, it is, the hardest thing I've ever done. Raising my daughter on my own, leaving behind a toxic, abusive relationship, having no support, no friends. I look around at the ladies here with me now and smile. "It was hard. Super freaking hard. It still is, but when you’re on your own, especially with a baby, you realize that you need to do whatever it takes to take care of yourself and your child. So, when I was down there I started going to group therapy and it helped. A lot. The people in that group sort of became my support system."

  "So what made you come back here?" I turn to look at Teresa, my lips curving just slightly. "When my daughter was about seven months old, I was working at the local diner, when a familiar face walked in. He caught me by surprise and I swear I thought I was seeing a ghost. My whole heart stopped and tears filled my eyes." Teresa gasps, her voice barely audible, "Who was it?"

  I almost laughed at how she's eating up my life story like it's some sort of soap opera. I shake my head to stop myself from bursting into giggles, "It was Chris. Lilly's old boyfriend." I look up and see mouths dropped open. I don't think anyone was expecting that. I shrug at their shocked faces, "We sat and talked for a while. He met my daughter and we promised to stay in touch. Seeing him had really gotten to me,” I look down at my feet, avoiding their prying eyes, "After talking with him I felt so lonely. I felt so out of place. He brought back so many memories that I had tried to forget and when I looked at my daughter after seeing him, I realized that I wanted her to know where I came from. Where, at one point in my life, I felt loved. Not only by my mom but by Lilly and her family. So not long after, Chris actually helped me move back and I’ve been back out here ever since."

  "Wait, so you're with Chris now? That's a little messed up. Why would you date your dead best friends boyfriend?" The words sting and I flinch at the contact. Did someone really just say that? I look up, fury written in my eyes at the woman who just asked the question but I have no idea who it was. I shake my head vigorously, "No! I am not with Chris. I would never date him. But he is an amazing friend to me and my daughter calls him an uncle. He's my family now and Lilly will always be family to me too. I would never do that to her." I let out a shaky breath, willing the tears to stay trapped behind my eyes. When I eventually catch my breath and calm myself I start talking again. "When I moved back, Chris encouraged me to continue group out here. Which I did. But I'd be lying if I said that I participated every time I went,” I glance up at Lauren and smile softly, "At first I talked all the time, but as the time grew, I stayed quiet. Listened. Attended but never participated. But a few months ago, Chris and I went out to dinner. We were laughing, talking, really relaxing when someone entered the room and Chris shot up to go see them. He said he couldn't believe his eyes and I thought it was just someone he used to know. I didn't realize at the time that it was someone I used to know too."

  I look up again at the women sitting in a circle, their full attention on me. My heart races, I take a deep breath and continue, "I was focused on my dessert when Chris brought him over but when I looked up my heart dropped to my stomach. It was Jeremiah." Gasps filled the air and I chuckled a little. Yup. My first love, standing in front of me. Out of the blue, and I didn't even look cute that day. I never had to try because I was with Chris but boy do I wish I got dressed up that day. When Jeremiah saw me his eyes lit up and relief shot through my bones. “Oh my God. Well if it isn’t my high school sweetheart,” he had said. Happiness ran through me at his words and I shook my head with a smile on my face. He grabbed me in a tight hug before sitting down and throwing question upon question at Chris and I.

  We had exchanged numbers that night and realized we had some more things in common. Jeremiah and his wife had gotten a divorce and he had two children, both of which he had custody. After talking every day on the phone, like we used to, we began taking the kids on day trips, playdates, outings and eventually we were seeing each other every day. “Hanging out” everyday. Jeremiah and I became so comfortable again, it felt like we had become a family, us and the kids. They got along so great and I smiled at the thought that maybe my little girl could feel the way with them that I did with Lily.

  He had taken me on a few dates throughout our time together that always ended with a kiss here and a kiss there but it wasn't until three weeks ago that we became intimate again
. And I wasn’t sure if I was ecstatic about it or terrified.

  "Three weeks ago, for those of you who have been here with me, know that I started participating a lot more. Opening up again. I started mentioning Lily more, my mom, my life other than Kennedy, other than the abuse,” a few heads nod and I close my eyes, "that's when Jeremiah and I slept together again for the first time. The first time we had done anything remotely intimate since high school. The first time….I had been with anyone….since..." My eyes clenched shut but I still looked down in an attempt to hide. They thought the last time I slept with someone was with Kennedy but the last time I slept with anyone was the last time I was with Jesse and my heart hurt at the wonderful memory. I missed him but I knew I did the right thing. Right?

  "When we slept together, it didn't feel...it didn’t feel like it felt with all the other guys I had been with. It felt different. Strange. Odd but all together good." I look up at the eyes scorching into my soul. Do they understand? It was good. He was good. But it wasn't like it was with Jesse and I don't think it ever will be. I try to hold back a sob at that thought. Jeremiah doesn't deserve that but neither did Jesse. Jesse didn't deserve what I did. He didn’t deserve the hurt from me leaving but I can't go back. I can't change it. Jeremiah is good for me. Good for us. I have to stop comparing him to something -someone- who’s just a fantasy. I could have fixed things. I could have apologized. Called. Something. But I didn’t and now it’s time to move on.

  A heavy sigh left my lips, "I know this isn’t a place where we talk about our sex lives. It’s a place where we express ourselves and learn to cope with our abuse. Our trauma. And for me, although I escaped, what happened with my mom and with Kennedy weighs on me every day. I can’t look at a man without wondering if he’s going to try to hit me or my daughter. I can’t trust myself to make decisions when it comes to men because what if they turn out to be like him. Like Gary. What if when I trust my heart, it lies to me and leads me down the wrong path? To another Kennedy?” I swallow down the lump in my throat, blinking away the tears, “Jeremiah has asked me and my daughter to move with him to California. He’s gotten a new job and I'm not sure what to do. I’m not sure if I can trust myself to make the right decision." I look up at the ladies who sit before me, waiting for someone to give me some direction but no one does.