The Unrepentant Cinephile

by Jason Coffman

  Whether you’ve seen the original or not, MBV3D stands up on its own as a surprisingly gruesome modern take on the classic slasher formula, and hopefully points the way for a better class of horror remake for 2009. The sneak preview audience I was in seemed excited about the upcoming Friday the 13th remake, and they were enjoying this, so that might indicate a little better who exactly the audience is for this movie!

  My Chauffeur (1986)

  Originally published on Criticplanet.org

  My Chauffeur is a sort of a “fish out of water” story, only in this case the “fish” is a hip, young woman and the “water” is a snooty all-male limousine service run by Howard Hesseman. Yes, after WKRP in Cincinnati and before Head of the Class, Mr. Hesseman played an important supporting role in this, the finest “lady limo driver movie” of the 80′s. Or at least one of the best. Maybe.

  After an utterly bizarre opening credits sequence more suited to a Merchant Ivory production than Crown International, we are introduced to bouncy, carefree Casey Meadows (Deborah Foreman). She’s trying to make a living working in the kitchen of an Italian restaurant when a mysterious benefactor hires her for his personal limousine service. Suddenly Casey finds herself surrounded by hateful old men who mostly all believe that the world of driving rich people around is no place for a lady. For her first assignment, they give her one of their toughest clients: an enormously unlikeable punk rocker who immediately demands Casey take her clothes off. After this charming introduction, he and his friends chase down a large woman in a public park and steal her panties. But at the end of the day, he ends up on stage more or less when he’s supposed to be, so… mission accomplished?

  Meanwhile, a terrifying Patrick Bateman/Jim Profit type named Battle (Sam J. Jones, aka Flash Gordon 1980!) sits scowling behind a desk and slashing the payroll budgets of several companies he runs. There is no question his business cards have both a tasteful thickness and a watermark, as this scene clearly demonstrates. It is soon revealed that this sociopath is the son of Witherspoon (E. G. Marshall), the benefactor who hired Casey Meadows into his personal chauffeur service. And so the mystery deepens: who is Witherspoon, what is his connection to Casey Meadows, and why do we have to spend any time with the creepy Battle? All this is piling up while the audience is also forced to wonder: How many times can Casey get fired from the limo service before she realizes she should actually stop showing up for work?

  Casey and Battle’s paths first cross when Battle’s fiancee announces she’s leaving him during a screaming fight in the limo as Casey drives them around. After which Battle decides to drink an entire bottle of alcohol stored in the back seat of the limo, and there’s another scene of a public park being terrorized. Battle goes crazy, runs out of the limo, strips and runs around the park. The film shows a tasteful, surprising restraint by not including bit players who see this and the punk rocker scene earlier and shrug it off with “Hey, that’s Los Angeles!” Casey manages to wrangle Battle back into the limo and then takes him to her apartment, where he wakes up the next day and immediately returns to his lovable, job-slashing self and, presumably, to the dirty cardboard box where he usually sleeps. The audience senses that this is a man who needs to learn some important lessons about himself, such as “love is more important than homework.”

  My Chauffeur is feather-light, with a mostly predictable storyline that nevertheless delivers some modest surprises. For example, when you see “Introducing: Penn & Teller” in the opening credits, you will not be prepared for what they actually do in this movie. Casey runs into various characters in need of chauffeuring and learns important lessons herself, although she never quite loses her weirdly anachronistic sense of humor. She shifts wildly between Valley Girl slang and near-vaudeville goofing, giving the film a strange tone. It’s a curious relic of the 80′s, and it’s passably entertaining if you’re looking to be slightly distracted.

  My Science Project (1985)

  Originally published on Film Monthly 19 February 2016

  Nostalgia is a hell of a thing, and a number of home video imprints have been recently reissuing some very unexpected titles on Blu-ray to capitalize on it. This is, for the most part, an almost unmitigated good: the more obscure, oddball films that are available in physical formats, the better. Predictably, not every one of these is going to be a forgotten gem. A film that someone saw last on cable in 1987, for example, may not quite hold up as well when viewed almost 30 years later. In this case, I’m speaking specifically about My Science Project.

  Michael Harlan (John Stockwell) is on the verge of failing science, which will keep him from graduating. Science teacher Bob (Dennis Hopper) gives him one more chance: ace the final science project and Harlan passes the class. Desperate to impress Bob, Harlan breaks into a nearby retired air force base with nerdy Ellie (Danielle von Zerneck). There, he stumbles upon the long-forgotten engine from an alien craft that crash-landed in the 1950s. Harlan and his friend Vince Latello (Fisher Stevens) fire it up in the auto shop the next day and an Egyptian vase appears. They soon discover that the engine sucks electrical energy from whatever source is available, and the more power it gets the stronger space-time disruptions occur around it. After the police intervene when Harlan tries to stop the engine from getting energy from the town power plant, things spiral out of control and Ellie is trapped in the school. Can Harlan and Latello save her, or is she destined to be a dinosaur snack?

  My Science Project was clearly made to capitalize on the 80s craze of sci-fi teen movies like The Last Starfighter (which was actually written by John Beutel, who wrote and directed this film) and Back to the Future. Looking back on it, the film plays like a cynical cash-in that crudely grafts parts from those films into one story. This would be more excusable if it wasn’t for the film’s lumbering pace–nothing really happens with the alien machine until nearly 50 of the film’s 95 minutes have passed. That’s an awful lot of setup for the film’s finale, which does include some impressively odd imagery and one genuinely impressive dinosaur effect. Unfortunately, it’s a serious case of too little too late, especially when the wide array of characters who are introduced throughout the movie barely have any impact on the plot and all but three disappear by the final act.

  It’s also interesting to note that, like a lot of people who were kids watching these movies on cable in the 1980s, how badly so much of the film has aged. It’s not a problem with the special effects or the music (which includes a theme song by The Tubes), but its attitudes toward any non-WASP characters. Stevens plays Latello as an embarrassingly broad Italian stereotype, and his dialogue is peppered with slurs. In a world where Shane Carruth’s Primer got an “R” rating for one instance of just one, it’s almost impossible to believe Latello is in a “PG” movie. As a snapshot of a different time, My Science Project may hold some interest. As far as being any kind of entertainment otherwise, though, you could find a whole lot better with very little effort.

  My Sucky Teen Romance (2011)

  Originally published on Film Monthly 4 September 2012

  Some directors start their careers in ways that tend to define the way they are talked about for quite a while. In the case of Emily Hagins, for example, it’s virtually impossible to talk about her without mentioning the fact that she completed her first feature (a zombie film entitled Pathogen) at the age of 12. Hagins’s drive to make the film made her something of a local celebrity in her hometown of Austin, Texas, and gained her national attention after the release of Zombie Girl, a documentary about the making of Pathogen. Hagins’s next film was a little-seen ghost story called The Retelling, and now her third feature, My Sucky Teen Romance, is being released on DVD and Blu-ray by Dark Sky Films. But the question remains: While Pathogen was a surprisingly competent feature for such a young filmmaker, how has Hagins evolved as a filmmaker since?

  Pretty well, as it happens. In My Sucky Teen Romance, Kate (Elaine Hurt) and her friends are prepping for their last SPACECon before Kate heads out of town for college.
Her best friend Allison (Lauren Lee) is determined to help Kate have a convention fling before she goes to college, while her friend Jason (Santiago Dietche) pines away for her and his best friend Mark (Tony Vespe) just wants to party. Just before the weekend of SPACECon, Kate’s grocery-store clerk crush Paul (Patrick Delgado) and his stuck-up coworker Cindy (Lauren Vunderink) are held up and turned into vampires by Vince (Devin Bonnée), a vampire who has figured out that a convention where people dress up like monsters is the perfect cover for a real monster to set up an all-you-can-eat buffet.

  When Kate and her friends arrive at SPACECon, Allison pushes Kate to make a move on shy Paul, and she does, but with surprising results. An accident causes Paul to sink his fangs into Kate’s neck and turns her into a vampire. Now her friends have to figure out if there’s a way to turn Kate back before it’s too late, and try to stop Vince and Cindy from eating everyone at the convention. Both of these tasks turn out to be easier said that done: Vince’s plan is working out spectacularly well thanks to the post-Twilight boom in teenage girl vampire fans, and the only way to turn Kate back into a human requires a huge sacrifice.

  My Sucky Teen Romance is brisk and fun, clocking in at 77 minutes. Hagins’s technical expertise behind the camera has increased tremendously since Pathogen, and not just due to the obvious upgrade to a non-VHS camera. The film looks very nice and is often quite funny, although there are still some jokes that don’t quite land the way they should. The cast– several of whom return from Pathogen– is clearly having a great time, and Tony Vespe steals the show as Mark. There’s a small bit of gore, but mostly this is about playing with the idea of a real-life vampire among cosplayers, and about the awkward dynamics of teen romance. My Sucky Teen Romance is a lot of fun, and confirms that Hagins is a talent to watch.

  My Super Psycho Sweet 16 (2009)

  Originally published on Film Monthly 20 October 2009

  I have to admit, I’ve been looking forward to My Super Psycho Sweet 16 for a couple of reasons. One of them is the fact that it was directed by Jacob Gentry, who was one of the co-directors of The Signal, one of my favorite films of last year. The other reason is that the concept of a masked killer cutting down the kids from an episode of My Super Sweet 16 is definitely one I can get behind.

  For anyone not familiar with the show, here’s a quick recap: My Super Sweet 16 is a reality show following the planning of a disgustingly expensive sweet 16 party for a hateful, subhuman she-monster who spends the entire episode screaming, crying, manipulating people, and generally proving the stereotype that all people above a certain tax bracket are evil. It’s not a show about one particular party, though– each episode follows a different demonic harpy-in-training as she bullies her way to throwing the biggest party ever. It’s the kind of show that could light the fuse on a literal class war. My Super Psycho Sweet 16 basically just takes the title and the concept of the ridiculous Sweet 16 party from the series. Otherwise, this is what the critics used to call a “teenie-kill pic,” a true-blue slice-and-dice that could just as easily been titled My First Slasher Movie.

  In the distant past– ten years ago, helpfully identified by a title and Chumbawumba’s “Tubthumping” on the soundtrack– Roller Dome manager Charlie Rotter (Alex Van) went over the edge and murdered six teenagers, claiming he gave them what they deserve. The prison transport van carrying Charlie and several other prisoners was involved in an accident and his body was never recovered from the wreckage. Today, his daughter Skye (Lauren McKnight) lives with her aunt and is basically friendless other than her sort of creepy pal Derek (Matt Angel). After having a brief chat with popular jock Brigg (Chris Zylka), Skye finds herself the target of his bullying ex-girlfriend Madison (Julianna Guill), who is also in the midst of planning her Sweet 16 party. Skye and Derek crash the party at the newly reopened Roller Dome, and soon party members are getting knocked off by a mysterious stalker wearing Charlie Rotter’s “Lord of the Rink” mask.

  My Super Psycho Sweet 16 is a surprisingly decent slasher. It’s not going to win any awards for originality, but there’s at least one kill here that would be right at home in any slasher genre highlights reel. There’s quite a bit more blood than I expected for a made-for-(M)TV movie, although for the most part the most gruesome stuff happens off-camera. The film takes a while to get to the party, spending a lot of time with Skye, Brigg, and Madison. Julianna Guill is effectively hateful as Madison, although she could have been a lot bitchier– seriously, the girls on the real show make Madison look like Miss Manners. The other characters are fleshed out well enough that it’s not too much of a drag spending time with them before the main event. Matt Angel’s Derek is particularly entertaining weirdo comic relief as Skye’s hopelessly platonic pal.

  If you’ve never seen a slasher movie before, there are certainly worse gateway movies than this one. My Super Psycho Sweet 16 is a solid, pretty funny and decently bloody little slasher. For their first made-for-TV movie, MTV did a great job– recruiting a director like Gentry, who obviously knows the genre, was a smart move. This is definitely worth parking in front of the TV with some candy and popcorn, and I wouldn’t be surprised if it becomes a holiday favorite with some impressionable youngsters out there in TV Land.

  My Tutor (1983)

  Originally published on Criticplanet.org

  Despite the classy logo, My Tutor is the kind of movie that starts off with an opening credits sequence played over a montage of women doing aerobics. While a funky synth bassline plays and a woman shrieks lines like “You’re my tutor!” and “I’m at your command!” It seems pretty clear that someone in charge of writing this song was not entirely certain what it is a “tutor” does: “Is that like a master? Like… you know, like a master? I’ll have the song ready in an hour.” In other words, you know in short order that your next 97 minutes are going to be pretty awesome.

  Bobby Chrystal (Matt Latanzi) is facing down the worst Summer ever: he failed his French final, and if he hopes to go to college in the Fall, he’s going to have to retake the test. If that wasn’t bad enough, his father (Kevin McCarthy!) has hired a private tutor to drill The World’s Most Boring Language into Bobby’s head. While Bobby is trapped at home with an old stick-in-the-mud tutor, his pals Billy (Clark Brandon) and Jack (Crispin Glover!) are planning untold debauchery– or, at the very least, some line of activity that will end with one or more of them losing their virginity. After a disastrous visit to a brothel ends with Jack at the mercy of a dominatrix, it seems the Summer is doomed to misery for everyone. And then Bobby’s tutor arrives, and things start to look up.

  Terry Green (Caren Kaye, who retrospectively bears a striking resemblance to Amy Poehler) is a young woman recently out of a long-term relationship. She’s looking for a place to get away from her life for a while, and the Chrystal’s luxurious mansion is just right. During the day, Terry can tutor Bobby in French. At night, she can sneak out of the guest house and swim naked in the Chrystals’ pool. Suddenly, Bobby finds The World’s Most Boring Language considerably more interesting, and as he spends more and more time on his “studies,” Billy and Jack’s adventures become more and more outrageous. Fortunately for Bobby, Terry turns out to be a willing tutor in more than just French, and yet another 80′s comedy about a seriously inappropriate relationship between a teacher and a student is off and running.

  My Tutor is, like many of the best Crown International productions, a film that makes very specific promises and delivers. And then some! Kevin McCarthy racks up yet another solid supporting role as a hateful authority figure, but Crispin Glover threatens to run off with the entire film. There’s sadly none of his impromptu choreography that put his appearance in Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter in the history books, but he still brings a nervous, weird energy to his character. In case anyone might be worried that the film would not deliver in the nudity department, one name in the credits should put those fears to rest: Kitten Natividad. Yes, one of Russ Meyer’s favorite muses puts in a guest appearanc
e doing what she does best. My Tutor is highly entertaining in exactly the sort of manner for which it modestly aims: namely, the “teenager watching HBO after everyone’s gone to bed” demographic. And I mean that in the best possible way.

  My Winnipeg (2007)

  Originally published on Film Monthly 29 June 2008

  The places that we live, and especially the places we grow up, tend to become something completely unique in our memories. Hence the importance of the title of the new film by Guy Maddin, My Winnipeg. Maddin’s last three films have been described by the director as “autobiographical” to various degrees, but they have featured bizarre and surreal plots including ghosts working in hair salons, dead fathers toiling in basements, parents extracting brain fluid from orphans who live in a lighthouse and so on. My Winnipeg may be the film most closely related to the facts of Maddin’s life growing up in Winnipeg, but it’s just as informed by his absurdist sensibilities than any of his previous films.

  We first meet Guy Maddin (Darcy Fehr) sleepily, drunkenly riding a train around Winnipeg, trying to determine a way to escape. Feeling trapped by the city’s sleepy, snowy magnetism (attributed to supernatural powers of its forked rivers) as well as the pull of his mother’s presence, Guy feels he must find a way out. In between stories of Winnipeg’s past and histories of some of its landmarks, Maddin explains how he rents out his childhood home and hires actors to play his family along with his actual mother (actually played by Ann Savage) to act out Important scenes from his childhood.

  It’s difficult-to-impossible to sort the factual stories from Winnipeg’s history and some of the wild flights of Maddin’s imagination. While it’s a fair bet that Winnipeg has never had a daily series called Ledge Man about a guy who’s constantly threatening to jump off a ledge (starring Maddin’s mother, who always talks him back in), the story of “If Day” seems completely outlandish but is actually true. During World War II, a fake Nazi invasion of Winnipeg was staged, with hundreds of actors in full Nazi regalia, as part of a drive to sell war bonds. By all accounts, it worked.