The Unrepentant Cinephile

by Jason Coffman

  Where were the stereotypical Russian police who never wanted to have any fun? Where was the loose-cannon American who showed them how to do things in their own style? Mission to Moscow takes a different route than the things you may have imagined, and ends up not even being so bad it's funny. It's just bad.

  The one saving grace in the film is the appearance of Claire Forlani (Brandy Svenning from Mallrats) in a performance she'd probably love to forget. Jokes that don't work and a depressing lack of annoying sound effects from The Pac-Man Guy make for a rather unenjoyable 80 minutes. The best part truly is when the credits start rolling, and you can stop watching it.

  Poor White Trash Part 2 (1976)

  Rating: 9.5 Beans

  No two ways about it, any sane man or woman on the face of the earth would avoid this movie at all costs. It's in a big box, with a hand-drawn picture on the cover and no photos from the movie on back. Plus, it's called Poor White Trash Part 2. And, as sequels are usually not as good as the film they follow, one can only imagine how bad this is (especially since about 99.99991% of the population of the world has never heard of Poor White Trash). This film lives up to its expectations.

  Allegedly, Poor White Trash Part 2 was directed by someone and had actors in it. I do not believe this in the least bit. It looks, sounds, and feels just like a home movie of a particularly unpleasant backwoods clan who take in a city girl to torture after her husband is killed.

  It's worthless. I cannot objectively review this film, because that is impossible. Anyone who sees it will join me in this refrain. It has no redeeming values whatsoever. The only thing it's good for is introducing the phrase, “You ain't had it 'til you had it from Odis Pickett,” into the special language of you and your best friends. And even the value of that is debatable, as you will have to waste 80+ minutes of your life in order to hear it.

  See this film. If you can find a copy of it, see it. You will be thoroughly disgusted with yourself, the person at the video store who rented you the tape, and me for telling you about it in the first place. If you truly wish to see what depths film can sink, Poor White Trash Part 2 is required viewing.

  The Relic (1997)

  Rating: 7 Beans

  The Relic is one of those movies which looked interesting before it actually came out. A cool teaser ad, based on a best-selling book...that's when the red alert goes off. Films based on books usually aren't very good (most notably Jurassic Park and Rising Sun, both adaptations of Michael Crichton novels). But you never know, maybe this is the one that's going to change things.

  It wasn't.

  The Relic takes place almost completely in Chicago's Natural History Museum, a cool place to set a film if there ever was one. Except that no one ever bothers to turn any lights on in places where such an action would be appropriate, and...it’s this movie.

  The action unravels at a tame pace, offering a few people being eaten by a mysterious creature. Unfortunately, the creature isn't that mysterious. Penelope Ann Miller plays the scientist researcher lady who can't seem to figure out the mystery of a crate the museum receives from South America, even though everyone watching figures it out before she even takes a close look at the cargo.

  There are some good things about The Relic, though: Linda Hunt is always fun to watch, even though she isn't given much to work with here. The creature, once it finally gets some screen time, looks pretty cool. That's it for the pluses. The rest of The Relic is boring, predictable, blah, blah, blah... It's roughly on par with Jurassic Park, if that gives you any idea of what to expect.

  If you absolutely must see a film based on a novel, I would strongly recommend Jackie Brown, directed by Quentin Tarantino. It is perhaps the film which stays closest to its source material while also being intelligent and entertaining. The Relic takes the easy route by taking a huge book, cutting away as much as the filmmakers can get away with, throwing a bunch of big words into the script, and shoving special effects in the audience's face. The Relic makes decent free entertainment; you'll feel better about yourself if you don't pay to see it.

  The Return of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1994)

  Rating: 5 Beans

  Without a doubt, The Return of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre (or TCM: The Next Generation, as the video box tells it), is one of the most surprising video rentals I have had the pleasure of viewing in recent memory. I mainly rented it to laugh at Matthew McConaughey, who a good friend of mine once referred to as The Male Sandra Bullock. Whether it was that my expectations were virtually nonexistent or that it actually isn't that bad is beside the point: for a while at least, this is an entertaining film.

  The biggest surprise in the film is the dialogue. At the beginning of the film, we are introduced to Jenny (played by Renee Zellweger), Heather, Sean, and Barry. They are at their prom and eventually end up in Barry's car (driven by Heather), where they eventually run into another car. The setup is the same as in the first Chainsaw film and the third: group of people run into unpleasantries, all are killed but one (female), female endures more unpleasantries at the hands of the evil family.

  But another surprise is that the family this time out includes Leatherface not as the usual screaming evil guy, but as the screaming evil guy dressed as a woman. Then there's Vilmer (McConaughey), the killer who drives a wrecker which bears the legend “Illuminati Wrecking” (that's right, “Illuminati” as in the conspiracy theorist's favorite string-pulling organization) and who has a robot leg. His girlfriend Darla (Tonie Perensky) has some new breast implants and talks about them quite a bit when not bickering with Vilmer's brother W.E. (Joe Stevens). The family is obviously dysfunctional, but this time out they're a bit more fleshed-out. The overall effect of seeing Vilmer yelling while Darla and W.E. bicker and Jenny holds a shotgun on them is disorienting, to say the least.

  Of course, the film runs out of steam fairly early on-- after Barry is killed, most of the good lines are over. The whole film is extremely campy, especially considering the bizarre domestic disputes in the midst of, well, a Texas Chainsaw Massacre film. Up until the last ten minutes or so, the film almost looks as though it may work. The problem is the ending comes completely out of nowhere, and is very well described by the line of a hospital attendant: “What the hell is going on here?”

  At any rate, The Return of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre is a surprisingly entertaining piece of trash. Zellweger is very good, and McConaughey certainly didn't top his performance here in A Time to Kill. Fans of the series might not appreciate the liberties taken and fun made of the films, but anyone who can see it as camp entertainment will find the experience fun, if not exactly rewarding. After all, any film which ties a robotic-legged Matthew McConaughey and his screwed-up family with the Illuminati conspiracy can't be all bad.

  Rising Sun (1993)

  Rating: 9 Beans

  Before you see this film, ask yourself one question: Have you read Michael Crichton's novel? If no, you may be able to safely proceed in viewing the film. If yes, avoid this film at all costs. It is the single worst adaptation of a novel I have ever seen. This is not an exaggeration.

  Wesley Snipes (of The Fan and Murder at 1600) plays Web Smith, a character who wasn't in Crichton's book. The book's racist protagonist, Peter Kelly, has been made into an almost totally different person to make the “buddy” aspect of the story work better. His “buddy” is John Connor, played by Sean Connery. The main thread of the plot is the same as that of the novel: a party is held to celebrate the merger of an American and Japanese corporation, and a young woman is killed. The mysterious action begins.

  Connor is brought in to oversee relations with the Japanese businessmen who represent the corporation because Wesley Snipes doesn't know how to deal with them properly. In fact, his character doesn't do hardly anything. He's played as the typical short-fused action movie cop. Of course, Sean Connery is the level-headed one who can handle Japanese-American relations, but has to rely on Smith to give him a helping hand in American-African American relations.
The scene in which Snipes's “homeboys” foil the villains is truly embarrassing.

  Crichton's novel explored the inner workings of the Japanese businessmen. They were (relatively) fully-developed characters. In the film, their behavior is explained in a tossed-off manner by Connery, if at all. Most of them are ominous cardboard Japanese villains. Of course, there are villainous white people, too, and they are the truly evil ones. So turn the basic plot into a Hollywood buddy picture and don't worry about anything else.

  Of course, anyone who enjoyed the book will probably be upset, but they have Wesley Snipes and Sean Connery. That means they can count on some box office. I've spoken to people who haven't read Crichton's novel who thought that Rising Sun was “all right.” But everyone I know who has read it feels that the film is trash. Figure out which side you'd be on (shouldn't be hard) and make your decision. But I'd like to think I've swayed you off it a bit.

  The Search for One-eye Jimmy (1994)

  Rating: 9.5 Beans

  After viewing this film, my friend Chris said the following: “I would rather have watched G.I. Jane.” In other words, it's not a very good film. In fact, “not a very good film” is being exceptionally kind. This is unforgivable, especially considering the parties involved.

  Les (Holt McCallany) is a film student who returns to his old neighborhood to shoot a documentary. As he's interviewing people, he becomes involved in the story of the disappearance of Jimmy Hoyt (Sam Rockwell). See, Jimmy's got one eye, see, so it's funny. Of course, Les ends up meeting several unusual characters, who are all introduced in exactly the same manner: one character says the other's name, and then they meet the character. Oops.

  The cast also features John Turturro (Barton Fink, The Big Lebowski, Box of Moonlight), Samuel L. Jackson (Pulp Fiction, National Lampoon's Loaded Weapon 1), and Steve Buscemi (also known as The Only Reason to Watch Things to Do in Denver When You're Dead). Not surprisingly, their scenes are the only ones that work. If you like Jennifer Beals of Flashdance, she's in it, too. Nicholas Turturro (currently of NYPD Blue) is also in it, but his character is a stereotypical Hispanic car thief and isn't very funny. Worst of all, Lodge H. Kerrigan, writer/director/producer of the brilliant and disturbing film Clean, Shaven plays Les's cameraman. His only line is, sadly, just one of the film's endless penis jokes.

  That's another big problem with the movie. The humor rarely leaves the bathroom. While interviewing a shady character named The Snake (Tony Sirico), he farts. Another character drinks a lot of beer and belches. The number of sex jokes outnumbers total lines of dialogue. Then there's the characters themselves: Les, the cocky film student; Joe Head (Michael Badalucco), the stupid fat guy; and later, we meet overeager studio executives with ponytails and abstract art on their office walls.

  To be fair, The Search for One-eye Jimmy does have a few entertaining scenes. John Turturro plays Disco Bean, a guy who dances in a warehouse and tells the story of how Jimmy lost his eye. Samuel L. Jackson plays Colonel Ron, a crazy Vietnam vet who, ironically, is the most lucid and intelligent character in the film. I can't imagine that any of the “name” actors in the film were paid for their work. It seems likely that the film was made by a group of friends who probably think the movie is much funnier than anyone else who happens to see it.

  One other thing about The Search for One-eye Jimmy is that it looks like it was made for about $10. I have no problem with low-budget films: see Kevin Smith's Clerks or Robert Rodriguez's El Mariachi and you'll see that low-budget doesn't mean “bad.” However, if the script is bad, the film will not work. The Search for One-eye Jimmy was shot in 1993, but not released until 1996. And it's no wonder. In fact, I'd say that's about 100 years too early. Avoid this film at any cost, unless you are a die-hard fan of any of the actors in it.

  Small Soldiers (1998)

  Rating: 5.5 Beans

  This movie destroys itself near the end when Denis Leary surveys the damage his intelligent toys have wrought and says, “Too bad...this would have made a great commercial.” Why is this so bad? Because Small Soldiers IS a great commercial. A very long commercial for the toy line based on it. And, like most commercials disguised as full-length entertainment, it isn't very good.

  Denis Leary plays the head of a giant corporation which acquires a toy company called Heartland Toys. David Cross and Jay Mohr play two toy designers who work for Heartland. Leary comes up with the idea of “toys that do what they do in the commercials,” which means they talk, punch out of their boxes, etc. etc. Given only three months to devise the toys and prepare them to ship, Mohr orders some microprocessors created for the defense department and puts them in the toys.

  Soon, the toys are being shipped to stores. Alan Abernathy (Gregory Smith) decides to sneak a set in so his father's quaint toy shop can make some money (his father has a strict rule about not carrying war toys). We learn that Alan has had troubles in the past, and that his family had to move because he was kicked out of two schools. Then we meet Christy (Kirsten Dunst), who will become Alan's girlfriend. In fact, she's wearing a shirt that says, “Alan's Girlfriend” when she first appears in the film.

  I made that up.

  At any rate, the problems start up when the toys activate each other and run amok in the toy store. As it turns out, the Commando Elite toys are intelligent enough to escape their packaging and pursue their directive: Destroy the Gorgonites. The Gorgonites are peaceful creatures originally designed by Cross's character, but now are the “mortal enemies” of the Commando Elite. The rest of the film involves their struggle, with the human characters caught in the crossfire.

  Small Soldiers was directed by Joe Dante, who also directed Gremlins, which is somewhat similar. Only Gremlins was much better; the dialogue in Small Soldiers is often enough to make adults in the audience cringe. The cast is largely wasted: Cheri Oteri appears briefly, and Phil Hartman (in his last role) doesn't have nearly enough time on-screen. The special effects are simply amazing; when the film was over, I was in awe of the thought that one day a film will be made that is actually really good and have special effects this seamless. As it is, I guess we'll have to wait a bit longer.

  Things to Do in Denver When You're Dead (1995)

  Rating: 8.5 Beans

  After Pulp Fiction, anything people could grab onto as the next big thing got thrown up on screens. Case in point: Things to Do in Denver When You're Dead, which is a horrible movie in many ways.

  First: it's a waste of a potentially intriguing cast. Andy Garcia plays a gangster type called Jimmy the Saint who is out of the business, but is called back to do “an action” for The Man With The Plan (a wheelchair-bound Christopher Walken, playing the Christopher Walken character). Cliché-d plot aside, we are promised in the opening credits that we will see Steve Buscemi. He is indeed the only reason to see the film, but his part is about five minutes, in total.

  Second: it's a waste of time. Denver is too long, and that is that. With a plot as simple as this, the movie should be over in 90 minutes. Not so, as a token love interest (Gabrielle Anwar, who looks about seventeen years old) is tossed in to pad the running time. Oh, and Fairuza Balk plays the Hooker with the Heart of Gold. I'm not kidding.

  Third: it doesn't work. On any level. As my friend Brian said about 100 minutes in, “This movie has officially failed to set a tone.” Is it a black comedy? The opening sequence would have you think so-- look, that guy's trying to kidnap a little girl! How deliciously sinister! The film does not work as a drama, as the characters just do not engage the viewers. Should we feel sorry for them since their planned crime failed? Well, no, because the whole thing goes awry due to one incredibly stupid mistake on the part of Jimmy the Saint. Plus, they deal with Christopher Walken. They knew what they were getting into.

  Fourth: well, too many things to go into. Jack Warden plays this character who I guess is supposed to be the God of Criminals, who kind of narrates the movie (it's really that vague). The Video Wills that try to function in supplying subtext are mea
nt to be touching, but come off as annoying. Finally, the ending looks like it was thrown together in real time: The last thirty seconds appear to have been put together in thirty seconds. That is the only excuse I can think for such shoddy work not only in the end, but during the entire film. A horrible throwaway post-Pulp Fiction mess.

  The Toughest Man in the World (1984)

  Rating: 7 Beans

  According to the theme song from The Toughest Man in the World, “The toughest man in the world/ Is the man who know the right way to go.” It should be noted that Mr. T not only stars in this film, but performs said theme song. Only really.

  Bruise Brubaker (Mr. T) runs a community center for troubled youth. One day, his path crosses that of a young man named Billy Green (John P. Navin Jr. of National Lampoon's Vacation) who is harassing an old man with a couple of his friends. Bruise takes Billy's knife and tells him to meet him at the center the next day, presumably so that Bruise can give him the knife back.

  After a time when everyone is happy, Billy Green screws everything up (resulting in the amazing “Get out of my life!” speech by Mr. T) and the center is closed down. The only way to make enough money to make everything all right again is for Bruise to enter The Toughest Man in the World Competition, which happens to be in town. Bruise, as strong as he is, isn't sure he can defeat reigning champion Tanker Weams (Tom Milanovich of Above the Law, Rookie of the Year).

  Tanker isn't a very nice person, and it eventually becomes clear that he is involved in illegal activities which get Billy Green in hot water with some criminal stereotypes. Can Bruise Brubaker save Billy Green and his youth center? Will he ever learn to read and write? Does Billy ever get his knife back?