Fangs for Nothing

by Laura Greenwood

  It was only when I was part way up the stairs again that I realised it might not be the best idea to go waving fish around my bedroom. Maybe I should have let the damned cat follow me after all.

  I slipped back into the room, already resigned over what I had to do. At least I was up early enough to put some laundry on if I needed to. Eurgh. The day was just getting worse with each thought.

  My nose wrinkled at the salty smell of fish the moment I peeled back the lid. "Here, kitty, kitty. Come get some delicious fish." Ick. I was going to have to sound a lot more convincing if I wanted the cat to listen to me. "It's super tasty. Yum, yum, yum."

  It hissed from under the bed.

  "What do you want then?" I sighed loudly. I didn't even know what cats were and weren't allowed to eat, and my phone was the other side of the bed. Without doing some kind of acrobatics, I was never going to manage to get over there.

  It crawled towards me, clearly wary about what I was holding. I didn't blame it. I wasn't too sure about the fish either, but it was definitely going on my never buy again list. Even if it had been appetising before today, I would have changed my mind.

  I set the tin down, hoping there weren't any sharp edges that it would cut its tongue on. Oh no. Now I was starting to care for it. This wasn't good. Maybe I should see if the vet knew of somewhere I could rehome the poor thing. It deserved someone to love it and who actually knew how to look after it.

  Yes, that was what I'd do. Surely he'd know someone and then we'd all be laughing. And Jester would have a proper home, not an old ornate manor house with two cranky vampires. If I hadn't had to live in an old ornate manor house with two cranky vampires, then I wouldn't. Even if I was one of the aforementioned blood munchers.

  “Well?” I scoffed, glaring at the black monster. “Don’t you like sardines?”

  “Meow?” Jester shot me a confused look, the question clear on its face.

  “What? What do you want?” I asked, as if articulating would somehow make it understand my exhaustion.

  What was I supposed to do with a cat that wouldn’t let me sleep in and wouldn’t eat? Where were the instructions for this thing? What about a receipt so I could return it?

  Oh, that was not a bad idea. Maybe the box it came in had some type of instructions on how to deal with this blind cat. Did they need special care?

  “So stupid,” I muttered, grumbling down the hall with Jester in tow, following me on the heel. If I wanted a pet, I’d have got one myself.

  I grabbed the box Jester came in from by the door and rummaged through it. Some old newspaper from last month and a little squeaky mouse toy without a tail.

  “Useless.” I stared at my new roommate, softening a little as it looked cutely back.

  “Prrr?” Jester flicked its tail up and rubbed against my leg, purring heavily as it curled into a little melted heap of fur.

  “What are you looking at?” I frowned, crouching down to tickle its belly. Soft, surprisingly warm, and lightly vibrating. Fluffy. “I guess you’re kind of cute…”

  “Meowww.”

  “Fine, you can stay. For now!” I wagged my finger, hoping it would understand that this meant it wasn’t out of the woods just yet. How intelligent were those creatures anyway? Did they understand commands? “Sit!”

  Jester looked at me, its head tilted curiously to the side. “Prrr?”

  “Right then… What do you want? Some milk? A cookie?”

  Careful not to step on it, I walked back to the kitchen to rummage back through the cupboards for anything it might like. Apart from some old crackers and a block of cheese that had been here when I moved in, there wasn’t much else edible in there.

  “Aha! What about some tuna?” The metal lid shrieked and released a fishy smell that was way too strong for so early in the morning. I definitely needed to wash that away with some scalding hot coffee.

  But first, I needed to get this cat silent so it would leave me alone.

  “Tuna?” I held the can out, excited when Jester took a sniff.

  “Meow.” It swished its tail in a shrug-like manner and wandered off without giving me a second look.

  “Well, that’s grand!” With my tuna in hand, I glared at the cat strutting through the manor like it owned the place. Effortless, it jumped up on the window sill and curled into a ball on the thin stripe of sun.

  “Fine. Don’t eat.” I clonked the can down in a corner of the kitchen where Jester could reach it whenever it wanted. If this was how it wanted to play, I’d play. It wasn’t the only stubborn creature around.

  If I was going to survive this day, I needed coffee. Hot, black, and a bucket of it.

  Sleep still warred in my eyes as I flicked the kettle on and grabbed my grinder and filters from the cupboard. Even the smell of freshly roasted coffee beans was enough to cheer me up, especially when they released all their aromatics in the grind.

  I heaped a tablespoon of ground beans into the filter and nestled it on top of my mug. With a splash of hot water, I watered the grind so it would release all its delicious flavour.

  Coffee was one of the few things that satisfied my appetite, beyond the necessary drink of blood. In the hundred years that I’d been isolated from the human world, some big and fancy machines came onto the market. Or so Derek had tried to explain to me numerous times.

  They brewed coffee in seconds and spouted it out in shots. Scary. I didn’t understand it and I didn’t want it. It was too loud, too shiny, and it didn’t fit my morning ritual.

  The shrieking of my grinder, the tentative watering of the ground beans, and finally, a freshly brewed cup of coffee.

  With a satisfied smile, I slurped from the top. That first taste was just the best. The bitter notes, the tangy aroma, the faint hint of burnt chocolate. So complex and simple at the same time. Heaven in a mug.

  “Now that’s the life.” I nodded to myself, sliding onto one of the kitchen bar stools and taking a moment to enjoy my morning. It wasn’t so bad to be up early after all.

  The world was still asleep and hadn’t gotten to its usual clamour of honking cars, screaming children, or grumbling people. It was quiet, peaceful, undisturbed.

  How long would I get to enjoy the silence until someone bothered me?

  Chapter 3

  “Derek. Come in.” I stepped back, inviting the vampire in. He didn’t technically need to be. But it was polite, and if there was one thing Mother managed to actually teach me, it was to always be polite to guests.

  “Thank you, Lucy.” He shot me a boyish grin, one that made him look much younger than he was.

  I guided him to the living room and gestured to one of the couches. “So… What brings you here?”

  “Did you not get my email?”

  “Oh, right. Your newest gadget.” I sank into the other couch, silently praying for mercy. There was no doubt that Derek was inventive, but his technical skills left much to be desired. It wouldn’t be the first time that a loose blade or hinge almost lobbed my head off.

  “I think you’ll like this one.” He placed his bag down and pulled a large box from it. “I call it the… Derek Danger Detector 3000.”

  “Oookay?” Not wanting to hurt his feelings, I held my face from twitching. Apart from his questionable manufacturer skills, he also needed to work on his naming. Even if he managed to make something insanely cool, the dorky name would almost certainly ruin it.

  “It’s got a built-in camera, a motion-detecting laser, and an alarm that even you can’t sleep through.”

  “Is that a challenge?” I pulled up my eyebrow, shooting him a daring look. He always made big claims, but even this one was a little far. I could sleep through anything. Well, apart from Jester clawing into me. But that was different.

  “You could test it tomorrow and let me know if it did or didn’t wake you? I bet it will,” he stated confidently.

  “And what makes you think I’ll tell you the truth?”

  “I could always stay over and draw my own
conclusion when morning comes,” he teased.

  “Wouldn’t you like that?” I flirted back, hoping I didn’t blush. I wasn’t particularly opposed towards Derek, he was just a little too goofy and he’d been my friend for a long time. Not just that, I wasn’t really in the right mood to date. I didn’t even have time to date my actual ‘fiancé’.

  “You know I would,” he answered honestly. He’d never hid his intentions well and I appreciated that.

  “I don’t think that’s the best idea, Derek,” I replied softly, just as I had many times. I’d never hidden my own apprehensions and he respected that.

  “Fair enough. Now can we test out my DDD 3000?”

  “You’re calling it DDD?” I asked, shooting him a bemused look. “Sounds like you’re talking about something else.”

  “Now, now, Lucy,” he scolded playfully. “More comments like that and I’ll believe you are interested in me after all.”

  “Sorry. I couldn’t resist.”

  “That’s what she said,” he said in a high voice. “Sorry. Back to the Detector. Can I test my pitch on you too?”

  “Sure. Give it to me,” I sighed. He tweaked his eyebrow and I hastily corrected myself. “I mean, yes, you can do your pitch.”

  “Great.” He cleared his throat and straightened out his jacket. “Worried about burglars breaking in? Can’t leave your home without worrying about your valuables? No more, with the Derek Danger Detector 3000. It’s sleek, it’s hot, and it’ll keep you safe! No more danger with the DDD 3000. Your safety is our priority.”

  “Hah…” I muttered, staring him blankly in the face. "Are you trying to sell this to gullible old ladies?"

  "What? No, of course not. It's a serious piece of equipment. I wouldn't expect little old ladies to want or need it," he responded instantly.

  "Then why is your pitch about burglars?" I cocked my head to the side and gave him a flirty grin. I really shouldn't. It was mean of me to let him think that he might have the hope of something between us. No matter how many times I said not yet to William, I did actually intend to marry him. And I wasn't the kind of girl who wanted to lead someone on. Especially not when they were as nice as Derek.

  "It seems like something a normal person would worry about?" he tried.

  I shrugged. "I guess that's true. But are you trying to sell it to normal people, or to vampires?"

  "What should I be saying?" He coughed and glanced down at his knee before looking up at me again. "Are you worried about your food getting away? Use the DDD 3000 to make sure you're woken up when your human harem tries to make a break for it."

  I almost choked on my laughter. "Do people have human harems any more?"

  "You're the noble, you tell me."

  "I don't go back often enough to know," I answered honestly. "But I can imagine a few of them who wouldn't have any qualms about keeping humans just to feed on." Thankfully, William and his family weren't one of them. At the worst, they were guilty of being a little bit elitis.

  One of the many things I loved about him. No. Not loved. Why would I even think that? It was a dangerous path to go down at the best of times, never mind while I had company.

  "I never get an invite. I'm my father's least favourite child."

  "I thought you had a half-vampire brother?" He'd told me accidentally once when he was drunk.

  "How do you know that?" His eyes widened.

  "You told me?" I gave him an odd look. Did he really not remember the conversation.

  "That's not something I tell anyone." He crossed his arms and pouted.

  "It is after you've had half a bottle of vodka," I muttered. It had been from one of my bottles of the good stuff too. I'd made sure to hide that every time I knew he was visiting since.

  "Dammit. I'm not supposed to talk about him."

  "It's not a big deal, I'm not about to tell anyone," I pointed out.

  "Please don't. Some people won't take it well if they find out." I could see the earnestness on his face. He really was worried about if this was going to come out. And I could understand that. Vampires weren't the most forgiving sorts, and having a child with a human was seen as a big indiscretion. Keeping the child around...it just wasn't done.

  "Every family has a skeleton or six in their closet," I pointed out. "Some of them are even from real bodies."

  Derek snorted. "And are you one of the people with skeletons in your closet?"

  "Only Daisy, but she doesn't count."

  The look on his face was priceless. I hadn't used that joke in a long time.

  "Do I get an explanation?"

  "Nope. I only tell my most trusted confidants about Daisy."

  Before he could respond, a purring sound announced Jester walking into the room.

  "You got a cat?" Derek asked, surprise very obvious in his tone.

  "Of sorts. I didn't actually get it. More, it arrived in a box with nothing but a collar and a lot of mischief."

  Jester looked at me. Which I would have thought would have been too difficult for a blind cat to do, and yet it managed. That was slightly freaky and I wasn't too sure how to deal with it. Maybe the thing had some kind of creepy sixth sense.

  It hissed and turned to Derek. Great. I'd given it somewhere to sleep and fish to eat, and yet it already seemed to hate me. Maybe it could sense my disdain for it.

  It jumped up on Derek's lap and pawed against his jeans, drawing my gaze to somewhere I really shouldn't be looking on the other vampire.

  I glanced away, hoping to hide the blush I was sure coloured my cheeks. I didn't understand what it was about him. Maybe it was just the fact that he was like me. Neither of us were part of vampire society and we liked it that way.

  Well, that wasn't quite true. Both of us were still part of society, we just didn't actively spend time with all of the others. There was nothing wrong with that in anyone's eyes, but it did form some kind of bond between us without us intending it to.

  "Who's a good boy?" Derek asked as he scratched the top of Jester's head.

  "It's male?" I blurted out.

  "You didn't know?"

  I shook my head. "I must have missed the class at school where we learned how to determine the sex of a cat," I quipped.

  Derek put his hands on each side of Jester's tummy, surprisingly not getting scratched for his troubles. I should start calling Derek the cat whisperer. He certainly had a way with the creature.

  "Last I checked, this should have been an indication." He pointed at the cat's groin, and sure enough, it was male.

  "Ah." Now I just felt stupid. But then, how many people went around eyeing up a cat's bits?

  "What are you planning on doing with him?"

  "I was going to take him to the vet..." I didn't add that I was going to see if the vet knew anyone who'd take the damned thing.

  "That's a good start. He appears to be blind."

  "Yes, I noticed."

  "You might need to make some adjustments for that, but the vet will know better."

  I frowned at him. "How do you know so much about cats?" And why hadn't I made tea when he arrived? The question would have been so much better if I'd had a teacup to sip from while I asked it.

  "One of my brothers used to have one, but never actually looked after it. I got to know the thing pretty well."

  "Oh." I started fiddling with the hem of my shirt, trying to place why I felt so disappointed that I didn't know him as well as I thought. "Anyway, the DDD 3000..." I tried not to snigger as I said his stupid acronym. Maybe that would help me actually test the thing without losing my will to live.

  "Yes. Just plug it in next to your bed, and you're good to go."

  "It's not battery powered?" My eyes widened.

  He sighed. "No, not yet. I want to make sure the design is worth pursuing before I do anything like account for a battery pack."

  "Oh, right."

  Derek would always confuse me. His inventions even more so. But as I watched him with my new cat, I couldn't help b
ut feel a wave of affection for him. If I didn't already have William, then I could have done worse than the vampire in front of me. That wasn't worth thinking about though. I was an engaged woman, even if the engagement had lasted a hundred years or so, I couldn't let myself be enamoured with someone else.

  Chapter 4

  BEEP!

  BEEP!

  BEEP!

  I sat bolt upright in bed, the sleep I'd been so comfortably encased in now completely gone. Jester hissed from where I'd roused him but he did nothing more than curl back into a ball. I shouldn't have let the thing sleep on the bed with me, but even I had to admit that it had been nice to have something warm and fuzzy pressed against me. It was almost comforting. If it hadn't been an evil cat who wouldn't take my fish offerings.

  My alarm clock sat on the side, not making a single sound.

  Huh?

  I hadn't set an alarm anyway, so it going off would be odd, but that was the most logical explanation.

  Unless...

  I swung my legs around, placing my feet on the floor and padding through the room, grateful I was wearing an oversized t-shirt I'd salvaged from one of William's drawers. It had long ago lost his smell, but it was still comfy.

  The flashing light from the hall made me roll my eyes. "Of course his invention didn't work," I muttered.

  I slipped through the door to reset the stupid DDD 3000. I'd have to tell Derek that it had been set off by nothing more than a light breeze. He'd be disappointed, but better that than ending up with angry customers demanding to know why they weren't getting any sleep.

  I flicked the switch, shutting off the flashing lights and the annoying beeping sound. Those probably hadn't been the best choice of system alert either. I made another mental note to give him feedback before returning to my bedroom. At least it didn't seem to have woken Grandmother. I didn't think she'd be pleased with him in that situation.

  "Argh." I jumped back into the door, shocked to find a man standing in the middle of my room.

  Jester looked up, noticing him too and began to hiss. Huh. It seemed the cat was a little protective of me. Maybe our fledgeling relationship could be saved after all. Though I wasn't holding my breath on it.