Austin

by Stone, Piper

  An honorable choice except I wasn’t an honorable man.

  The walk did me some good, clearing my head, the cold chill enough to keep me from falling into the pits of despair. After rounding a bend, the house came into view.

  Memories did as well.

  Visions of stupid, irresponsible bad boys, our antics not only getting us in trouble at home and school, but also with the law. I remained shocked that none of us had landed in prison. As I inched closer, another round of self-doubt settled in. I wasn’t high on Hawk’s list and he certainly wasn’t on mine. We’d argued after the failed missions even though all five of us had needed to stick together.

  And how many times had Hawk told me I was a broken man?

  Maybe this was cathartic, a necessity in order to face my guilt and the fact I should be the one prison. That still might happen.

  As I approached the front deck, a motion sensor light detected my presence, shining down over me. It also allowed me to see the colorful planters on the front porch, the swing that was attached to the ceiling, and the flag swaying in the breeze. I guess I’d heard the news correctly. Hawk was involved with someone.

  I hesitated before walking onto the porch. I wasn’t ready to start another war.

  Suck it up, soldier.

  Grousing wasn’t going to do me any good. Right now, I had zero options. After knocking on the door, I took a step away, keeping my head down. Far too much time had passed, the brutal experiences likely costing us our friendship.

  The sound of the door opening made me bristle.

  “Yeah? Whoever you are, it’s the middle of the freaking night and I have a gun in my hand.”

  The sound of Hawk’s voice was just as I remembered. As I slowly lifted my head, lowering my hoodie, there was absolutely no recognition at first.

  Then his eyes opened wide.

  “Vader,” he whispered, his tone full of emotion.

  “Hawk.”

  “We thought you were dead.”

  Chapter 3

  Vader

  “Jesus Christ, buddy. Come inside.” Hawk gestured me into the house and I immediately felt uncomfortable as hell.

  Dead.

  I’d heard the rumors, had ignored certain individuals who’d reached out to me including my family.

  As well as every member of the unit.

  “Don’t worry. I’m pretty sure I’m going to hell.”

  Hawk exhaled before closing the door, the soft light coming from another room allowing me to see the haunted look in his eyes when he faced me. There was the same kind of awkwardness that I’d felt with Franny. I simply didn’t desire to get close to anyone ever again.

  The pain was too intense.

  He studied me for a few seconds before pulling me into a bear hug. “Maybe that’s true for all of us. I’m damn glad to see you.”

  Sighing, I remained stiff, my old buddy finally letting me go after a few seconds. I was able to catch a glimpse of the kitchen and felt another pang of guilt. “Maybe I shouldn’t have come.”

  “Nonsense, although it’s three o’clock in the morning. Did you just fly in?”

  “Something like that.”

  He took a step away, shaking his head. “Okay. You look like you could use a drink. Drop your bag right there if you want.” The way he was looking at me indicated my face was likely covered by soot. There was nothing I could do about it at this point. After dropping the duffle, I shoved my hand into the pocket of the hoodie before following behind him. The house was much like I remembered, although there was new furniture and feminine touches.

  There were also childish drawings on the refrigerator, a picture of a beautiful little girl. I could tell he was watching me as I stared at it, sadness creeping into my heart. “I’m sorry about your brother.”

  “Yeah, me too. Mostly, I’m sorry I didn’t get to spend quality time with him. That’s my niece. Drake adored his little girl. Now, Ashley has become the apple of my eye, capturing my heart. Well, she’s one of two special ladies in my life.” He laughed and I heard the sound of two glasses clinking together.

  “You married?”

  “Not yet. Three weeks, four days. Although Bryce, that’s my fiancée, is bucking to get it over with. She’s not big into ceremonies.” He laughed. “Believe it or not, I’m the one who wants the big wedding. She’d be just fine with jetting away to Bermuda or some other tropical island. I think she’s only giving me my way because of Ashley.”

  Smiling, I walked away from the appliance, moving against the center island. The kitchen had a homey feel; bright dishtowels positioned haphazardly on the handles of several drawers, a loaf of bread and a basket of fruit on the counter. There were even two partially consumed wine bottles waiting to be enjoyed. A pang of remorse and jealousy pounded into my system.

  “Sorry, I was prattling on about my life when you appeared in the middle of the night. Whiskey all right? If I remember correctly, it was your drink of choice.”

  There was such an awkwardness between us, as if we were nothing but strangers. Maybe we were. “Whiskey sounds good.”

  He remembered that I preferred a single ice cube. The realization was just another reminder of everything I missed. When he handed me the glass, I didn’t think before taking it with my injured hand.

  “Jesus Christ, buddy. What the fuck?”

  “It’s nothing,” I insisted, pulling away from him.

  “That’s bullshit. I have a first aid kit and you’re going to let me tend to that burn. That’s an order, soldier.” He placed his glass on the counter with a hard thud, moving toward the door leading to a hallway.

  “I don’t have to follow your orders any longer.”

  He stopped short, exhaling. “Nope. You’re right. You don’t.”

  When he walked away, I hissed, rubbing my eyes. What the hell was wrong with me? I’d never felt so damn uncomfortable, unable to let go of the past. When he returned, he refused to look me in the eyes as he smacked the kit onto the counter next to his drink. “You want to tell me what happened? You have what’s likely a second degree burn on your hand and your face is covered in smoke residue.”

  “Not much to tell,” I said half under my breath.

  Hawk shot me a look before snapping the box open, digging through the contents. “You should have that looked at by a professional, but I know I’m wasting my breath.”

  “Yeah, you are.”

  After he found gauze and medical tape, he merely tossed them onto the counter, grabbing his drink and walking toward the kitchen window, staring out into the darkness. “The guys were worried about you.”

  “You know I can take care of myself.” I took another gulp before easing the drink down and grabbing the gauze, yanking it from the plastic packaging.

  “That’s what you’ve always told everyone. A lone wolf preferring to fight the good fight alone.”

  I bristled all over again, trying to keep from biting his head off. “I had my reasons just like you and the rest of the guys.”

  “True enough. Damn, you look different, buddy. When did you shave your head?”

  I couldn’t help but smile. “A few months ago. Seemed like the right thing to do.”

  “Uh-huh and you’ve bulked up by at least forty pounds. More tattoos?”

  “Just a few.” I liked my ink, had enjoyed every minute of getting the works of art.

  “You always were a free spirit. You staying?”

  As I started wrapping my hand, I thought about his question. “I’m not entirely certain. Part of me wants to. The other? I need a place that feels like home.”

  “That’s the way I felt when I returned after Drake’s death. I was angry with the world, but Ashley needed me. Hell, so did the ranch. I made the decision to try and make it a home. Meeting Bryce was the best thing that ever happened to me.”

  “I’m glad for you, Hawk, but I’m not interested in settling down just yet.”

  He laughed, lifting his glass. “Never say never, my friend
. You probably haven’t heard about the ladies in the rest of the guys’ lives.”

  No, I hadn’t. I tried to smile, uncertain how I felt about it, although who they shacked up with was none of my damn business. When I was finished, I flexed my fingers, my thoughts drifting back to Franny. She’d felt so damn good in my arms. Shit, my cock stirred just thinking about her. “That’s nice for you guys, really. Like I said, I’m happy for you.”

  I closed the lid and grabbed my drink, sad that I had very little to say to him.

  “I need to tell you something and I know it’s not what you’re going to want to hear. I don’t know if you’ve heard but someone in the upper brass is still trying to make a big deal about the mission we were on. There was a huge shakeup of the commissioned officers, so someone got a bug up their ass that they need to provide a big win. I guess our failed mission is the perfect scapegoat.”

  The mission we fucked up.

  “Yeah, I heard,” I answered, enjoying the liquor more than I should.

  “I’m surprised since no one has heard from you in months. Who’d you hear that from?”

  “I have my sources.” I’d listened in on conversations from other soldiers during visits to cheap bars.

  “Wow, you’re a hard man, Vader. I don’t know what to think any longer. You disappear. We all thought you were dead. Hell, I don’t think there was a single one of us who didn’t try to hunt you down. You just freaking disappeared.”

  Shrugging, I finished the rest of the glass. “I needed time, Hawk.” I walked away from the island, moving toward the bank of windows surrounding a lovely wooden table. I envisioned him and his family enjoying meals and conversations, laughing over events of the day. Something orange caught my attention coming from the other room. A fire in the big stone fireplace. I was thrown for a few seconds to the motel fire, the vision of her lying nearly unconscious on the bed.

  Jesus. We both could have died. The thought hadn’t dawned on me until now.

  “We all did, still do, but each one of us has learned that harboring anger and guilt just eats away at you, likely ruining the rest of your life.” Hawk sighed.

  “Maybe that’s what I deserve. Did you ever think of that?” I glared at him and seeing the slight surprise in his eyes made me huff. “Come on, Hawk. You can’t tell me that every single one of you doesn’t blame me for Snake’s death.”

  This time, I had shocked him, my former commander opening then shutting his mouth. He looked away, his chest rising and falling. “You had nothing to do with Snake’s death. What happened wasn’t anyone’s fault. We did was what required of us and we tried to save him.”

  “Required? If I remember correctly, you went against orders. You had to be the big man, the hero.” Fuck me. I sucked in my breath, the hatred spewing from my mouth just as toxic as the goddamn fumes I’d just consumed. I thought we might come to blows, but when I dared to look at him again, I saw the same kind of haunted look in his eyes that had been in mine for these long months. “I’m sorry, Hawk. You didn’t deserve that.”

  “Yeah, I did. And you’re right. I should have followed orders. But I couldn’t stand the thought of leaving Snake in that fucking prison cell. Rotting. They would have eventually tortured him.”

  A cold chill shifted down my spine. “I know.”

  He grabbed the bottle, pouring more into both our glasses. “Anyway, the only thing that’s helped each of us was visiting Snake’s grave. He’s buried in the Big Sky cemetery. I think you know where.”

  I had no plans on visiting the grave anytime soon if ever, but I nodded. “Maybe I should go. I invaded your space.”

  “Don’t be a dumbass, Vader. From what I can tell, you walked here, at least from somewhere. Now, I’m not going to grill you on what happened, but it’s obvious you need a little help. At least stay through the night. I have an extra room. Then we can talk in the morning and I can see how I can help you. Besides, you look exhausted.”

  I had to think about what he was offering before I answered.

  “I’m not going to invade your privacy, but I won’t lie that it’s been a long couple of days. Just the couch by the fire will be fine.”

  He narrowed his eyes, chuckling softly. “That’s fine, but I can guarantee you that one little girl will interrupt your beauty sleep somewhere around eight in the morning. And she won’t take no for an answer.”

  I allowed myself to grin, enjoying the thought. “Sounds fine to me.”

  “All right, buddy. At least let me get you a pillow and a blanket. There’s a bathroom down the hall with some towels and washcloths. I’m certain you’ll want to wash that mug of yours.”

  “I wouldn’t mind.” He stared at me for another two minutes before finishing his drink and walking away. I knew his expression well, the one full of concern. He’d always tried to carry the burden of the world on his shoulders, acting as if he was our big brother when he wasn’t even the oldest. I’d resented it more times than I could count, including when he’d gotten the promotion over me. Maybe I’d never been able to fight the feeling of inadequacy.” I swirled the drink before walking into the living room, staring at the fire.

  I only hoped that if I was able to fall asleep, the nightmares would stay away. They were beginning to become intolerable. My body had enough adrenaline remaining that sleeping would be difficult if even possible. And all I could think about was Franny.

  Her silky curls.

  Her voluptuous breasts.

  Her soft lips.

  Her delicious pussy.

  And the way her muscles had wrapped around my cock.

  I shifted my aching cock, the pinch of my jeans becoming unbearable. I could easily fuck her again for hours, keeping her tied and ready for my use. A lurid grin crossed my face.

  Damn, I had it bad for the mysterious woman. What the hell was she hiding? I heard Hawk’s footsteps. I still felt awkward being here, but at least there’d been no bloodshed between us. I chuckled at the thought. How many fights had Hawk and I gotten into over the years? It started the first day I’d met him. Maybe we’d both been trying to be the alpha dog. That had followed us to the Marines, the others laughing at our ridiculous behavior.

  “I think this should do,” Hawk said quietly as he placed the blanket and pillow on the coffee table. “Do you need any clothes?”

  “Nah. I got a few things in my bag.”

  “That’s all your possessions? In a single duffle?”

  “What more do I need?” I finally turned to face him. The expression on his face was one of confusion.

  “Okay. If you say so, buddy. We’ll talk in the morning.” He started to walk away then stopped, continuing without turning around. “You can stay here as long as you like. Bryce won’t mind and Ashley will find you interesting.”

  “I appreciate that, Hawk, but I’ll find somewhere to land. I have money.”

  He huffed. “A man of continued mystery. A loner. Get some sleep.”

  His words weren’t meant as a compliment.

  I returned my gaze to the fire, my heart aching as a vision of Snake’s face pushed into the forefront of my mind. At least some memories weren’t horrible, especially the ones from long before we’d enlisted, long before we started using nicknames instead of given names. Ricardo Garcia had been a scrappy kid at first. Then he’d discovered weight training and girls. For a while the two of us had been inseparable, just regular bad boys who were the biggest thorns in the sheriff’s side.

  And the side of every parent of a gorgeous young lady.

  “Come on, you big chicken,” Ricardo taunted.

  “I ain’t sure about this, dude.” I shook my head as I stared at the entrance to the bar, the name of the place fitting perfectly. Raunchy Ride.

  “You do want to meet Gabriella, don’t you?”

  Gabriella, a beautiful sultry blonde who hadn’t given me the time of day. She was a good girl, refusing to go out with a cowboy like me.

  “You sure she’s inside? We ain�
�t twenty-one, ya know.”

  “Come on. You look like a big biker. No one is going to fuck with you. Besides, Austin, you gotta learn to live a little. Take risks. Get some pussy. That’s what you’re missing in your life.”

  Christ. How long had it been since I’d used the name Austin?

  Risks.

  Snake knew all about taking them, even if doing so threatened his life. I’d always thought he had a death wish, although I’d become the bad boy of the group of us. He simply wanted to protect the world. He’d done a damn good job for a while. Maybe all of us had, but we’d paid the price for championing freedom.

  I wasn’t just bitter. I was livid that our backs hadn’t been protected by the people we promised to lay down our lives for, but the commanding officers couldn’t give a rat’s ass.

  Continuing to process every day of the disastrous event didn’t do my psyche any good.

  At least according to the overpaid psychiatrist that all five of us had been forced to talk to. Punching the asshole out hadn’t been one of my finer decisions, but it had sure felt good.

  As I sat down on the couch, the weight of the past few months crushed down on my shoulders. I’d spent so long running away from my guilt that I was like a fish out of water, uncertain how I’d manage to get through the next day, let alone the rest of my life.

  My hand was shaking as I brought the glass to my lips. After almost dropping the damn drink, I sat back, staring at the ceiling. I was one freaking mess. After managing to take a huge gulp, I shifted the glass to the table, swirling it before pulling my hand away. Suddenly, the fire seemed blazing hot, beads of sweat rolling down my face.

  I yanked off the sweatshirt, taking several deep breaths. I couldn’t seem to get enough air in my lungs. Fuck, I hated the damn anxiety, the prickling sensations that became overwhelming from time to time. I fisted both hands, bringing them to my forehead. Why did Hawk insist that we accept the mission in the first place?

  You know the answer, asshole. Because that’s the kind of men you’d all become.