Four

by Archer Kay Leah

  Slowly he sank onto the edge of the bed, holding Mayr's gaze. "I do not believe it. Once, as a younger man, I thought it was the way of things. With age, I have gained the wisdom that interpretation, fear, and authority are not only powerful, they can be false, and in that, harmful." Armamae clasped Tash's hand. "I have seen other priests fight with love, deny it, believing that they must forsake it to fulfill their duty. I have seen those same souls wither because they bided their time serving their Goddesses while pining for their loves. They are good priests but their spirits lack life. They lack balance. Instead of celebrating love, they bury it because of a rule. I fully believe Emeraliss would understand love and duty can be equal; they can be partners. They can work from each other, not tear each other down."

  Standing, Armamae pointed at Tash. "It is obvious which side he is on. What he seeks in you is worth more than rules; ideals never meant for the likes of him. He is faithful and dedicated, but he needs more than bowing to the Four and serving the people. He needs you." A frown curved his thin lips. "And he needs his bandages changed." He nodded at Mayr and turned. "I will get clean ones while you remove those."

  Mayr stilled, staring at Tash's arm. Tash hid the marks on purpose. To see them while he was unconscious was wrong and violated his wishes.

  Except you're not all right, and you need to be healed. This needs to be done. Reluctantly, Mayr unwound the bandage from Tash's right arm and then the left. Dark scars marred Tash's skin in a series of horizontal and diagonal lines that started above the wrist and continued along his forearm on all sides. They appeared worse than the ones inside his thighs and calves. Each forearm bore a set of three thick, puckered, horizontal scars on the underside. They crossed over dozens of shorter, shallower marks, some of which were beneath the thicker scars while others lay over them. The first of the three scars spanned his wrists from one side to the other, curved over the edge. Jagged and uneven, they suggested he had hesitated.

  The second and third scars were even, showing confidence and skill. They were also bisected at the sides of Tash's arm to create the illusion of a uniform line around his forearm.

  Clutching Tash's hands, Mayr studied the fresh wounds. Located above the previous scars, they were not straight across his arm like the others. On his left arm, a long, deep gash traveled from the middle of his forearm to past his elbow at a steep angle, weaving back and forth along the way. Stitches bound the skin, but blood still seeped through.

  The cut on his right arm was sloppy, shallow, and broken as though he had started but could not finish.

  "He cut too far," Armamae murmured, washing Tash's left arm before bandaging it. "He lost the full use of his arm, though we do not know how long the effect will last. Our healers will keep working to restore what they can. Just know that he may never completely recover feeling or strength."

  Because of me. Mayr squeezed Tash's hand, unable to let go even as Armamae bound Tash's arm.

  "We found him last night just after he had done it, cradling his arm, covered in blood," Armamae continued, his tone softened with sadness. "I will never forget how stunned he looked, how confused. He just stood there, staring at the knife on the floor where he had dropped it. He said he did not understand what had gone wrong; that he had done it so many times, it should have worked."

  "And you let him go through the trial anyway?" Mayr slid his gaze toward Armamae. "He wasn't in any mind to go through with this. Why didn't any of you stop him? Shouldn't you be protecting him?"

  "I told him the same." Finished with the bandages, Armamae sat back, scowling. "I suggested he was not ready, but he insisted. I was firm. I told him we would do it a different day, but he refused and got angry. He made it clear if we did not help him do it today, he would do it himself without help from me, or Sister Kee, or any one of us. We could not allow that." He sighed and looked to the ceiling. "He was particularly focused on how he had hurt you. For some time, he babbled on about going to see you, but it did not last. He said he had to do this, justifying it with a dozen statements about how it could not be in vain because he would have hurt you both for no reason." Armamae cast Mayr a doubtful glance. "He believed you would not listen to him or return, so he went through with it. Even after you interrupted the preparation ceremony earlier, he did not believe it was real."

  You idiot. Mayr clenched his teeth and stared at Tash's face. If only you were awake. I'd yell at you. Or kiss you. Or kiss you then yell at you, because you completely deserve it. I was right there. You could've said something. You could've tried believing in me. But you went and carved yourself up, instead. Over me. While I'm sure someone in the world is twisted enough to find that romantic, I don't. It just makes me want to tie you down and make you stop doing it. I hate what you do to yourself. I hate that it was us that made you do it. He drew a finger down Tash's cheek. If Tash overcame the poison, they would have to talk. The cutting needed to stop. We'll find a better way for you to deal with things. If you can't do it on your own, I'll do it with you. I'll be forceful if I have to be.

  Armamae shuffled away. Mayr wet the cloth again and laid it over Tash's forehead. With Tash's hand in both of his, he waited. Time dragged on. Silence fell as Tash quieted. He still trembled, but his breaths were slow in a steady rhythm that matched his calmed heartbeat. Although still warmer than usual, his skin was cooler than before. He no longer wept.

  Desperate to do something—anything—Mayr stroked the waves of Tash's hair, his fingertips grazing skin. Tash sighed deeply and nestled against Mayr's touch. You feel it, but do you know it's me? Was Tash even getting better? If the trial was going poorly, would Armamae say as much? Buried by questions he had no answers for, Mayr kissed Tash softly.

  Tash moaned.

  Startled, Mayr pulled back, holding Tash's right hand close his heart. Tash's fingers twitched in Mayr's grasp. His lashes fluttered. He groaned and coughed, turning his head away. After sipping a few breaths, Tash shifted his hips and legs before facing Mayr.

  Disbelief clouded his blue eyes. Relief immediately softened his gaze. "You… you came back," Tash whispered, struggling to form the almost inaudible words. A faint smile teased his lips as he withdrew his fingers from Mayr's to cup Mayr's cheek. The touch was weak, unstable. His fingers slipped down Mayr's face.

  Catching them, Mayr pressed Tash's palm to his jaw, his hand flattened firmly over Tash's. Behind him, Armamae opened the door and slipped out to the corridor.

  Tash's smile faded, replaced by sorrow and tears. "I was wrong. I… I—"

  Footsteps hustled into the room. Hushed voices spoke excitedly. Tash's eyes widened, his attention stolen by the priests with Armamae. Mayr rolled his eyes and looked at them.

  "What are you doing here?" Kee glowered at Mayr, her hands balled on her hips. "No matter," she said, huffing before she brushed her black hair and veil over her shoulder. She gave Tash a sweet smile. "Congratulations, Brother Halataldris. You have passed all of the Uldana Trials. The Four have found you worthy. We'll start preparing your ceremony right away." She gestured with open arms to Armamae and the five other priests. "It will be wonderful, a perfect—"

  "No. I refuse."

  The priests stiffened. All but Armamae eyed Tash with confusion. Kee's lips moved, but she made no sound. Her glance jumped between Tash and Mayr, her shock laced with a sliver of rage.

  "But, but," Kee sputtered, stepping forward. "This is what you wanted. Your fate—your wishes—this is—you can't—I don't understand. No one turns it down."

  Tash held Mayr's hand tightly, his gaze meeting Mayr's. "I can."

  Kee moved closer. "I don't understand." Her face turned deep red. "How can you just walk away from this? After all your work, all of our time spent training you to be one of us, you would throw it away? How? Why?"

  "I saw them. All of them. All four," Tash said, still staring at Mayr. "They were there, watching me, speaking to me. And Emeraliss saw me. Embraced me. I fell, and She picked me up." He laced his fingers through Mayr's. "I
belong to Her now, She said so. I'm to do whatever She wills, including break my oaths to be full and whole. She demands I follow my heart to where it truly wants to be: bound to yours."

  Eyes brightened, Tash faced Kee. His voice strengthened as he continued to speak, the words coming out with more ease. "Emeraliss told me to inform you She has claimed me as a servant, and Her will cannot be contested. She says there's a message for you on your desk, buried in white and silver feathers. They mark these as Her words and not a false testimony."

  The priests ran from the room, almost tripping over their feet and each other. Kee's wide, dark eyes filled with surprise. Her mouth fell open before she gripped her robes and hurried after the others. Only Armamae remained.

  "I will leave you two alone." Armamae left the room and closed the door behind him.

  "So," Mayr started, letting out a breath, "Goddesses, huh?"

  "Yes, and They're absolutely terrifying." Tash pushed himself up with one arm. He faltered as he moved up the bed. Mayr steadied him and fussed with the pillows until they supported Tash's back. "The statues don't do Them justice, not in the slightest."

  "Oh." Uncertain of what else to say, Mayr looked at the bed.

  Gentle fingers lifted his chin. "There was more to it," Tash said softly. "Things meant only for you to hear."

  "Like I'm in trouble and there's a fiery pit of hungry beasts with my name on it in the Realm of the Dead?"

  "No. Like the moment I was under, I knew I'd made a mistake." The fingers danced across Mayr's cheek, urging him closer to Tash. "I wasn't happy with the choice I'd made. I hated myself for it. And it only grew. The further I went, the more it consumed me. I fought to get out of the world-between-worlds, but I couldn't. Every new path out slammed me into a wall I couldn't breach. Every door was a snare. I was trapped every step I took. I had to work that much harder to get through. To get back to you."

  Tash lowered his hand into his lap, his injured arm moving slightly. "I worried I'd resent you and me if I chose us over my devotion." He squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head. "I had it backwards. My conscious self messed with me. It was selfish and cruel and shackled me to a lie. The whole time, the truth was the other way around. And then when I was there—there, with Them, awaiting judgment—it all felt wrong. Being a priest wasn't important anymore. It wasn't the right choice." His voice hitched on a sob. "By the time I reached Them, I was an imposter. A liar. My heart wasn't as full as it should've been. And They stared at me. They knew."

  He held Mayr's face, his thumb stroking the skin under Mayr's eye. "That's why I said no to being an Uldana. It wasn't because Emeraliss told me to. I wanted to forgo it before the Four even appeared. The moment the poison knocked me out, I wanted to give it all up for you."

  Mayr tore his gaze from Tash's and swallowed hard. The words wounded him though he could not understand why. Anyone in his position would be overjoyed. To hear the things his heart wished for was difficult. They were even harder to accept without wanting to hold Tash tight and never let him go.

  "So now what?" Mayr asked, licking his lips. What did people do with a supposed deity-sanctioned relationship?

  "Now I know what to do. I understand it. You weren't the distraction—you were the trial." Tash leaned forward, his mouth close to Mayr's. "I thought I needed to fulfill my oaths to find peace and forgiveness, but I already had them. In you. That was the real trial. The absolution. The only answer I needed." Raking his hand through Mayr's hair, he touched their foreheads together. "I'm sorry. I'll spend a lifetime proving that to you because I am; I'm sorry. I thought I was doing the right thing, and I was—the whole time I was with you. I just needed help seeing it."

  Before Mayr could respond, Tash kissed him, taking his lips with a soft apology. Despite the bitter taste on Tash's tongue, Mayr returned what Tash gave. With both arms, Mayr pulled Tash against him, groaning as Tash's fingers played over the back of his neck. The sensation of skin on skin ignited the ache in his belly, angrily reminding him of the last time they had touched each other intimately.

  When Tash drew back, Mayr loosened his hold but did not let go. He needed to keep Tash close.

  "This means everything, you coming back," Tash said quietly. "I thought we'd never have anything. I thought you'd hate me. But you're here."

  Mayr nuzzled Tash's ear. "Because when I find someone I believe in, someone I care for, I'll fight for them," he murmured. "Even if they don't think they're worth fighting for. Even if they think everything's lost. You can't get rid of me that easily. Just ask Aeley. She threatens to toss me out all the time."

  The throaty laugh Tash gave in response warmed Mayr's heart, making it skip more than one beat. They needed it, that perfect moment.

  Tash played with the ends of Mayr's braid. "Since we met in the tavern, there's this thing, this feeling. Do you remember how I said I feel like I've been looking for you, needing to tell you something?"

  "How could I forget? It's the most romantic thing anyone's ever said to me."

  "I didn't realize that." Tash breathed out, his gaze alternating between Mayr's eyes and his chest. "I know what it is. I know why. And it's not that I love you—because I do, more than I can say—but it's more than that. Being stuck between life and death, I caught the answer, and it makes perfect sense." He removed the tie from Mayr's braid and teased the plait apart. "We're meant to be. Your spirit completes mine. And I need you, not just to be happy but to find the rest of myself. Without you, there are only holes. You've always seemed familiar because we're connected. We have been for a long time. Our spirits are bound together, and only Emeraliss knows how long."

  Mayr gripped Tash's waist. "There you go, talking so good again. Why do you do this to me?"

  "Because I need you to know you fill in all the empty spaces." They rubbed noses as Tash smiled. "You remind me I'm more than just what I do for others and I'm not being punished for every bad decision I've made. You tell me I don't have to be alone. I just had to learn what you really were: everything. You are everything. You're not afraid of my past. You take my issues in stride. You didn't leave me even though I broke us."

  "You break us; I put us back together…"

  Tash kissed his forehead. "There's no one who's loved me enough to do that. I believed no one would ever be willing to help me carry burdens or be there when I needed them most. But here you are," he whispered, "and I heard your voice when I was between worlds. You're the first one who hasn't come up with reasons to leave. You've only ever talked of reasons to stay."

  Mayr grunted. "Because I don't want to leave. I'm pretty happy being right here, thanks."

  "I love that about you. At the end of it all, I just love you. And you need someone who'll return everything you offer—someone who respects you and knows what you need. I can do that. I'll give anything just to be that someone. I'd rather have a future at your side than cling to the past. That means being with you, being yours completely." Tash arched his brow. "Completely."

  The carefully enunciated word caught Mayr by surprise, fueling salacious thoughts. He choked on a breath and coughed. "Please tell me that means what I'm hoping it means," he said hoarsely, "because I'm willing. I'm so completely willing, you have no idea."

  Again, Tash laughed. "I know, and I'll apologize for that, too." He tucked Mayr's hair behind his ear. "Taking things slowly before—I said it was for your sake, and it was, but it wasn't just you. I needed to go slow for me, too. I wanted what we had so badly. I didn't want to taint it. Doing everything felt like a huge step for us both. I also knew the Trials would come and ruin everything. But I want to give you everything I can." Wrapping his arm around Mayr's neck, he pulled Mayr in for a quick kiss. "If you'll let me," he murmured against Mayr's lips.

  A whimper of agreement slipped from Mayr before he could stop it. "I recall you saying something about an altar."

  Tash hummed behind his smile. "Emeraliss's altar. I want our first time together to be perfect and ours alone. Once I'm recovered
, we can do it right. The first time. Then the second. And the third—"

  The rest of Tash's words were lost as Mayr claimed his lips. The number was irrelevant. As long as Tash was his, nothing else mattered.

  *~*~*

  Kee hid behind the white marble pillar, though Mayr was certain she glowered at him, imagining the ways to get revenge on him for disrupting her plans.

  A subtle slap to his arm surprised him. "Stop staring at her," Aeley muttered, shifting her feet and crossing her arms. She uncrossed them and continued to fidget, her arms hanging at her sides. "Besides, you should be staring at your man. He's the reason we're here."

  Pleased by the reminder, Mayr smiled. Yes, Tash was the reason they stood in the temple, waiting for the ceremony to begin. Part of the inner circle of witnesses, Mayr was dressed in embroidered white pants and shirt as he had promised. In order to see Tash's face during the rite, he stood in the portion of the circle facing the closed doors. Aeley stood to Mayr's left; Lira to his right. Both wore white like him; Lira's gown and bodice simple like Aeley's pants and tunic. Tash's family stood across from them, clothed in white. Parase's joyful tears already spilled over her cheeks, and she dabbed them with a cloth.

  Mayr's family comprised the rest of the inner circle. The children spoke quietly, occasionally waving and making faces at Mayr until Estara or Orlee stopped them. His mother was the only one who sat, comfortable in a cushioned chair. Malary nodded at Mayr from where he stood beside Renett, a smirk on his lips.

  Outside the inner circle was a larger circle formed by priests of the various levels. They spoke among themselves in hushed tones, facing the altar at the centre of the inner circle. Three Uldana priestesses stood at the altar. Soon Tash would be one of them.