The Soul of Truth

by Shaji Madathil

  Here I am, the body no more, but the memories of a lost love still tearing my world asunder.

  Twenty-five nights. I am vainly trying to regain a lost life through unforgettable memories. Memories that only agitate me further. How can I leave this shore of love in search of the unknown? Can you not hear my desperate sighs? Can you not help?

  No, you cannot. I know that. And yet, I hope in vain.

  The music of the flute; I can hear it again. Carrying me with it into that iridescent past, that college campus, where our love bloomed like the red gulmohar flowers.

  It was the day of the college interview.

  Achen couldn’t get time off work. So I was accompanied by our neighbour and family friend, Sasiettan. Anyway, the interview was just a formality to introduce us to the principal and the college.

  When my name was called out, I walked into the principal’s room with Sasiettan. It was an impressive room with big windows and framed photos all around the walls.

  Dr Koshy Eapen was the principal.

  “Good morning, sir.” We greeted him.

  “A very good morning.” He smiled and asked us to sit down.

  While he was looking through my certificates and marksheets, I looked around the room. Most of the photos were of former principals. There was a big cupboard full of trophies. Next to it was a beautiful painting.

  “Nice,” I uttered involuntarily.

  The principal heard it and looked up.

  “You like that painting?” he asked.

  “Yes. It is beautiful.” I answered.

  “It was painted by a former student of our college—Aloysius. He is no more. He became a victim to the violence of campus politics. A great loss. He was a very talented artist. He drew this as a gift to me on my fiftieth birthday.” He sighed.

  His distress was palpable. I felt a close bond to that talented artist whose life was cut short so cruelly. A true artist is never forgotten.

  “Who is this with you?”

  “I am his family friend. My name is Sasi.” Sasiettan answered.

  “Okay. Are you interested in any extracurricular activities, Uthaman?”

  “Yes. Painting.”

  “Very good. You should paint me something good before I retire next year.”

  “Sure, sir!”

  “So you have decided to pursue the Third Group. History is your chosen subject. Good. You should study well, and make our college proud.”

  “Sure, sir. I will try my best to make you proud.”

  “Well done, my boy. I really like you. Now, you can go to the office and submit the fees. Your classes will start next Monday.”

  Outside the room, Sasiettan patted me appreciatively on the shoulders. “Good boy. You really impressed the principal. Now make sure you study well and stay out of trouble in the campus.”

  I smiled confidently. I had every intention of being a model student.

  Suddenly, I remembered Ruby’s face. This campus would provide the ideal background for our romance to flourish. But will it earn us a bad reputation? We were so careful in school. Here, as well, we must not let things get out of hand.

  When the admission process was completed, I was proud to be a part of this majestic, old college where generations of great people had studied.

  Just then, I looked down and saw Ruby coming through the gates with her father. Her father is not very friendly. So I usually tried to avoid him. I was not looking forward to meeting him here.

  Once we finished at the office, Sasiettan was happy to come with me to explore the campus.

  “It’s so big!” he exclaimed and started walking. I couldn’t dawdle for Ruby to catch up, without making it obvious, and so reluctantly followed him.

  Beyond the office was the science block with dark, forbidding science labs occupying the major part. I looked back. Yes, she was there. Waiting for her turn in front of the principal’s office. She had promised to take Third Group so that we could be together. But she had told me how her parents were trying to persuade her to take Second Group so she could be a doctor. Would she sign up for Second Group? No, she wouldn’t! She would want to be with me more than anything else.

  The library was the next block. We marvelled at its size, and I couldn’t wait to explore it. The auditorium was built over the library. The corridors were bustling with students. So many beautiful young people. All laughing and talking. I felt I was in a strange heavenly dream.

  Opposite the library was the English department. And next to it, the Hindi department. There were wide stairs going down from there. That took us to a majestic, wide courtyard with a water fountain at the centre surrounded by lovely landscaping.

  Another flight of stairs and we reached the Malayalam department. Beyond that was the Botany section, which could easily be identified by the beautiful garden in front. We stopped for a moment under the spreading trees. And then I saw Ruby and her father coming towards us.

  He smiled thinly at me. “What group have you joined?”

  “Third.”

  “Oh, so both of you will be in the same class.” He said and walked away. Ruby smiled too, teasingly, and followed her father. Before going out of the gates, she turned and smiled again, carefully, without letting her father see.

  Our first meeting at that historic college.

  Maharaja’s College.

  The ideal backdrop of our love.

  We spent five long years there. They were the golden years of our love.

  The first day of college arrived soon. The day we were so keenly looking forward to.

  We woke up to heavy rains. We had to cross the river on the boat to get to the bus stand to catch a ride to the college. The boat ride was hard on rainy days. But that day, it was the sweetest ride. I had Ruby right next to me—like a drenched yellow bird, all wet and beautiful, in her rain-ruined new dress.

  When we got out of the boat, she asked surreptitiously, “How do I look?”

  “Like a wet hen.” I couldn’t help teasing her and got a sharp pinch as a reward.

  Fortunately, we got the bus on time and reached the college before the bell rang. The campus looked beautiful behind the curtain of rain. The whistling, nodding pines; the ground a red carpet of gulmohar petals; the bougainvillea smiling in rainbow colours.

  We found our classroom and went inside. A few students had already arrived. Ruby tried to dry herself as well as she could and then took a seat on the first bench next to another girl. I took a seat on the second bench, so I could see her all the time. The bell rang. The first class was World History taken by a smart, young teacher. He was very friendly and spent the whole hour introducing himself and getting to know each student. The second period was English poetry by a serious lady teacher.

  When the bell rang for the interval, I got out with Ruby.

  “Did you like Harshan sir, Ruby? He is very handsome.” I teased.

  “Hmmm… Yes. Why not? And what about you? Don’t you want to get introduced to all the good-looking girls in our class?” She teased back.

  “Yes.” I laughed. “Later. I can wait because I think my Ruby is the prettiest of them all.” I said jokingly, but it was a fact. I had already noticed how many boys in the class were trying to talk to Ruby.

  “Uthaman, look!” She pointed to some graffiti on the wall.

  Thousands may have walked this way, dear, but I will still recognise the sound of your footfalls.

  Wow! I sighed. Ruby was gazing at the opposite wall now.

  These dark corridors hold the music of your sighs, every note burnt on my heart.

  I felt weak at the powerful emotions evoked by those simple lines. Ruby was mesmerised.

  “Who could this poet be?” Ruby whispered.

  “Must be some forlorn lover from the past.”

  “Where must he be now?”

  “Who knows? Probably pushing files in a government office.”

  “What if he got married to the girl he loved?”

  “Then he is lucky.
Otherwise, he is not.” I tried to make light of the situation.

  The bell rang, and we returned to the class. Time went by quickly, and soon it was lunch. Ruby and I found an empty classroom to share our lunches. Two girls from our class came in too. They smiled at us.

  “I am Jayashree. This is Bindu. We come from Mulavukad by boat. What about you?”

  “I am Ruby. This is my cousin, Uthaman. We come from Choornikkara.” Ruby answered quickly. I was amazed. How easily Ruby was making friends and establishing the validity of our closeness by introducing us as relatives.

  They left soon afterwards. Post lunch, Ruby and I took a stroll around the campus. I couldn’t believe the freedom we were enjoying. For the next two years, Ruby and I can roam this campus at our will.

  We reached the science block. At the landing, there was a water cooler. Ruby drank some water from it and laughed. “So cold!”

  “That is good. But since when am I your cousin?” I asked.

  “Since today.” She retorted naughtily. “In this campus, we will be known as cousins, so no one will bother us. Also, I don’t want any of those girls to try and lure you away from me.”

  “You are clever!” I exclaimed.

  She laughed merrily.

  “Appu! My Appu! My own Appu!”

  My mind and body rejoiced at her unabashed love. I couldn’t be grateful enough to the gods for giving us this opportunity to be together.

  “Look, Appu. The principal.”

  We walked back to the history block.

  The bell rang.

  The next was an economics class by Immanuel sir. Then politics by Chacko sir. The last period was Malayalam by Sadanandan sir. He was a great teacher and kept the whole class riveted with his deep knowledge and sense of humour. We didn’t realise the hour go by till the bell rang. The first day of our college life thus came to an end. It was one of the most beautiful days of my life.

  Ruby and I talked without a pause on the way back. The bus and boat were crowded, but we couldn’t care less. In our world, there were only the two of us and the heaven, which was our campus.

  God, forgive me.

  The more I try to forget, the more I relive my old memories.

  The Twenty-Sixth Night

  The shadows of the trees melt into the dark ground. The night wakes up to the slithering of the serpents.

  Once, when I was returning with Oppol from the temple at dusk, we had seen it—a terrifying serpent right here on the path. Black with mesmerising patterns all around. We had stood frozen, watching it slither away into the dark undergrowth. “Appu, it is a viper. What if it was a bit darker and we hadn’t seen it and had stepped on it? I feel faint!” Oppol sounded horrified.

  “Don’t worry, Oppol. Snakes are normally harmless and won’t attack us. They only bite if they are threatened. That is their only defense, that is why.” I tried to reassure her, even though I was shivering with fright myself.

  The lanes are empty and quiet. The only sounds are the occasional bellows of the buffaloes from the homes of the tribals. I had once visited them. Now, there is no need to go that way ever again. Not just in that direction but in any. Here I am, trying to spend the last few nights on this earth in the presence of my loved ones, unknown and unacknowledged. On the same little space on earth where I was conceived from nothing—I now return to nothing.

  The Himalayan dreams.

  This insignificant life.

  Will I get another chance at fulfilling those dreams? Who knows?

  I feel more agitated with each passing night. The certainty that I will have to leave this world for the unknown is tearing me apart.

  How beautiful is this world! The more I try to shake free, the more I am tangled in its enticing memories. Pulling me back, always backwards.

  To that innocent childhood, flitting like a butterfly in this yard in search of flowers and nectar. Running ahead of Oppol on these same lanes. These paddy fields and these plants must have loved that cuddly boy like their own child. But even then, there was my alter ego, a stranger, always running ahead, full of naughtiness, full of unacknowledged dreams, never within my grasp.

  To that teenage boy, drenched in the first enchantments of love.

  To that youth, walking hand-in-hand with the art and the artist, the love and the lover.

  Always stopping at that one face. Ruby! My childhood sweetheart.

  Even the sighs that rise from my decaying body whisper her name.

  The truth is straight and faint. The lies are tangled and bold.

  Behind the dark curtain of death, behind this eternal sleep, my soul craves for just one person—Ruby.

  The memories welcome me with open hands. To that campus, the library, the pines, the lover’s corner…

  To tempt again?

  Or to disappoint?

  The more I try to forget, the more they beckon.

  The cool breeze from the lake.

  The sirens of the ships.

  The jingle of anklets on the wooden stairs.

  Those dream days when love consumed us like fire.

  A kaleidoscopic world of colours and dreams.

  We were soon noticed as a couple by the other students. There were knowing smiles and pithy comments. We felt thankful that there were no other students from our village to spread the gossip back home.

  One of our classmates, Jinu, was the first one to ask us openly about our relationship.

  “Uthaman, is Ruby your girlfriend?” She asked us one afternoon during lunch.

  Ruby and I were startled, but we tried to hide our confusion behind watery smiles.

  “Hey, no. She is my cousin. We have grown up together and have always been friends.” I tried valiantly.

  Jinu laughed out. “Oh, so not merely girlfriend, your very own lover. Lucky you!”

  I didn’t know how to respond to this outspoken girl. Ruby was blushing furiously.

  “Our campus has a special place for people like you. It is called ‘Lover’s Corner’. Behind the library. It must be empty now. It is just the beginning of the year. So there won’t be many takers around. Not everyone is lucky like the two of you.” She laughed again.

  What a girl! Doesn’t she have any control over her tongue? I wondered.

  “How do you know all this?” I tried to sound as flippant as she did.

  “Oh, I am an old hand. I had a cousin studying here last year. Now he has finished his degree course and is pursuing an LLB. He has told me everything.”

  “What is your cousin’s name?”

  “Rajeev.” Suddenly she blushed, and I jumped at the opportunity to get back at her.

  “Oh, is Rajeev your very own lover?”

  Jinu blushed deeper and smiled shyly.

  “Appu! Why do you want to know all this?” Ruby pinched me playfully.

  “Appu! Is that how you call Uthaman?” Jinu looked surprised.

  “Yes. That is my pet name at home.”

  “Oh, nice. Appu. It is very sweet!”

  Ruby was now totally bewildered at Jinu’s behavior. Jinu sensed it.

  “Don’t worry, Ruby. This is how I am. A non-stop chatterbox. I won’t steal your Appu. You two have a fun time.” She waved bye and walked away.

  Ruby looked flustered.

  “What a cheeky girl! Why does she want to know everything about you? She has no shame!”

  “Hey, no, Ruby. Some people are like that. Friendly to everyone. She has been brought up in the city. Not in a village like us. That is why you find her behaviour strange.” I tried to placate Ruby.

  “I might be old-fashioned, Appu. But in your case, I am very possessive. I don’t like other girls talking this way to you.” She sounded strained.

  “Hey, don’t take it seriously, Ruby. This is the city. You should know the difference.”

  “City or heaven or hell. I don’t want to share my Appu.” She stifled a sob.

  I was a bit taken aback and confused by her behaviour. But I also felt a warm glow at th
is clear testament to the intensity of her love for me.

  “Ruby, my innocent girl. Please don’t worry. This Appu will always be yours.” I tried to pacify Ruby.

  But that whole day, she remained silent and sullen.

  Love is possessive. It is an invasion without permission, a surrender without war. The sweetest surrender.

  The bright days welcomed us to roam the campus as butterflies. Always together.

  One evening, she watched the sunset pensively and said, “The sunset is so beautiful Appu, but it always evokes a sadness in me.”

  I looked at her curiously.

  “We should never be apart, Appu. Our love should never set.”

  I felt an unease.

  “But this world is not just for us, Ruby.” My answer startled her.

  “What do you mean, Appu?”

  “See, you find it difficult to understand even the meaning of my words, the person you love the most. So how can we expect to understand the language of the world?”

  “Appu, you idiot!” She pinched me in frustration, and we laughed.

  We watched the pines playing with the breeze.

  “If we can’t live together, we should die together.” Ruby’s quiet voice pierced my soul.

  “Ruby, don’t be silly. If everyone committed suicide whenever their wishes were thwarted, this world would soon be a graveyard.”

  “All right then. We will keep loving, come what may.”

  “Yes, Ruby. Come what may!” I laughed with her.

  The bell rang. We had skipped Chacko sir’s political science.

  The next hour was Varma sir’s Kerala history. But we didn’t feel too inclined to attend that either.

  “Let’s go to the canteen.”

  We got up, but both of us felt guilty. The academic year had just started. If we continued missing classes, we might be on a downhill track.

  An announcement came through the mike. It was the principal, announcing the approaching college elections. That would be another disruption in studies. I remembered the promise I had given the principal. “I will try to do my best.”

  “Ruby, we should try not to skip any more classes. We have to attend the lessons and take good notes. Otherwise, we will suffer during the exams.”

  “Right, Appu. We should not let our love distract us from our studies. I want my Appu to be first in the class.” She smiled sweetly.