by Eric Vall
Chapter 1
This had to be our most insane idea yet.
My friends and I had slain demon after countless demon in the last few months. We’d been all across the country, traveling to cool locations, investigating cases of the demonic, taking down Azazel and his Seventy-Two Servants, and having a fucking blast doing so.
But this? This one was definitely not that.
Before us, in a wheelchair, sat an elderly man with leathery, wrinkled skin. He was wearing a button-up red flannel shirt along with dollar-store sweatpants, and atop his head sat nothing but a horseshoe pattern of gray hair and some unhealthy-looking moles. What the man lacked in hair on his head, he made up for with a bushy peppered mustache on his upper lip that he kept twitching sporadically.
This man was our imp.
“Hurry up and get me to bingo,” Todd demanded as he rolled out into the hallway. “These Depends ain’t gonna hold up all day, sonny.”
“You look fine, Todd,” Libidine reassured.
All four of the succubi stood next to me and admired the imp in his disguise. For this mission, we decided to go with something a little bit more subtle than usual. We all wore matching maroon scrubs, the standard uniform of the employees here at the nursing home. It wasn’t very elegant, but it helped us blend in.
“Did you really need the ridiculous Sam Elliott-stache?” I whispered as I walked over and wrapped my hands around the handles of Todd’s wheelchair.
“The chicks dig it, bro,” the incognito imp whispered back. “Mustache rides for days, that’s all I’m gonna say.”
“Did someone say ‘mustache rides?’” Ira, the Sister of Wrath, perked up like a dog at the words. “I could use a good one of those right now.”
“I rest my case,” Todd said with a shrug.
“I like the way you think, Ira.” The blonde succubus, Cupiditas, giggled. “Maybe Jacob could start to grow one?”
“I can’t say I’ve ever had one of these ‘rides’ you speak of,” Sia pondered, “but I’m open to anything.”
“Easy there, girls.” Todd raised an old man hand to settle them all down. “I don’t even think Jakey here can grow one of those puppies. Last time he tried, it was just patches of five-o’clock shadow everywhere.”
“That was in ninth grade, bro,” I said with a roll of my eyes. “Now that I’m a badass demon-slayer, I’m sure I could look all grizzled and manly with some facial hair.”
The imp in disguise pointed to his upper lip and snickered. “Ain’t nothing gonna top this thing, bro. Might as well not even try.”
“Honestly, I’m surprised you didn’t go with Cheech.” I snorted at the thought.
“That was actually my second choice,” Todd explained as he ran a hand happily through the hair on his face, “but I figured this would help me blend in a little bit more.”
Sia made a loud throat-clearing noise and shot us both a reminding look. “Speaking of blending in, we need to get ‘Gerald’ here to the main hall. His favorite game is about to start, after all.”
I nodded to the succubi, gave Todd’s wheelchair a little push, and we were off toward what could perhaps be the most epic game of bingo to ever be played.
“Ohhh,” Libidine cooed. “I like it when you bend over in those pants!”
“I like it better when he’s facing us,” Ira interjected. “If you look reeaaall close, you can see the outline of one massive package. Addressed to me, of course.”
The succubi and I were dressed in cheap, flimsy maroon scrubs as we made our way through the bowels of the Green Valleywood Senior Community. These outfits were horribly uncomfortable and flattering in all the wrong places, but they made for the perfect disguise.
“Now, Gerald,” Sia cooed to the imp in disguise, “the game is right down this hall here. You just went to the restroom. Surely you won’t have to go again in the next hour, right?”
“I dunno, toots.” Todd giggled. “If I keep seeing all these nurses in their tight scrubs, I might have to hit it up for another reason.”
“Is it bad that I can’t tell if he just broke his disguise or not?” Cupi sighed.
I could hear loud chatter from up ahead as we passed through the dingy hallways of the nursing home. As we walked, I took in everything around us. The entire place smelled of a disgusting, unidentified scent, but with the faint hint of lilacs. The carpets and paint job looked to be at least a decade old, and there were several small holes in the walls and ceilings.
All around us, men and women in their own maroon scrubs were guiding elderly patients toward the main hall with massive grins on their faces. Some of them even went as far as to lead their residents on their walkers as they chatted it up. This place may not have been a luxury resort, but at least the employees seemed to genuinely care about giving their residents a great experience in their twilight years.
It was heartwarming to see, but it also caused muted anger to boil at my core. These people didn’t deserve what was coming.
There were a handful of demons in their midsts, including Naberius the Bestower, one of the few remaining members of the Seventy-Two Servants.
We were here to send them back to Hell where they belonged.
“I still don’t get it,” I pondered out loud. “Why an old person’s home? Shouldn’t Naberius be running for office or sitting on a board of trustees or something like that?”
“I’m afraid our enemy has just as much influence here as he would out in the wider world.” Sia sighed. “Many lower-level demons are tasked with doing the more … subtle manipulations here on Earth.”
“Think about it,” Cupi added. “This place has, what, two-hundred residents? These people love having company, Jacob. Bring in a charming, charismatic demon or two, and suddenly, you have the ear of two-hundred people with voting power and a semi-disposable income.”
“So Naberius is basically manipulating these people into giving the Seventy-Two Servants money and voting for their Manchurian candidates?” I asked.
“Bingo!” Todd snickered from the wheelchair. “See what I did there, Jakey?”
“Yes, Todd.” I couldn’t help but laugh at the terrible pun.
“What I wanna know was how the old whipper-snapper is still alive,” the incognito imp continued. “He was totally at the Battle of Hell’s Gate, so Ira’s evil Lassie should have turned him into dog chow.”
“I do miss that dog,” Ira said with a wistful sigh. “I wish we could have kept him since he was such a good boy.”
“Other than the fact that he was going to kill us all and bring Azazel back from Hell,” I reminded the dark-haired succubus.
“Small price to pay.” Ira shrugged. “Being a pet parent would still be totally worth it.”
“Focus,” Todd got out while he stifled a giggle. “You damn millennials and your Pacman video games, Scooby-Doo cartoons, and toilet-paper thin attention span. I asked you a question!”
“Easy there, ‘Gerald,’” I jokingly warned the imp. “We’d hate to have to take you out back and put you out to pasture.”
“If it’s my time, it’s my time.” Todd shrugged.
“To answer your question,” I sighed, “there were a few members of the Seventy-Two Servants who slipped away through the Porta ad Inferos, remember? Naberius doesn’t sound like a fighter, so I’m sure he was one of the first to put his tail between his legs and run when things went south.”
“You’re welcome!” Ira said, utterly unapologetic. “See? If I hadn’t tried to take back the Gateway to Hell, then the Seventy-Two Servants would still be at large, and we never would have met. I did you a favor by trying to kill you.”
“There’s a silver lining for everything,” I admitted as we entered the main recreation area of the nursing home.<
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Brown rectangular card tables were set up all throughout the massive room and surrounded by elderly people in wheelchairs and walkers. At the front of the grand hall, next to the makeshift PA system and large bingo cage, stood a scrawny man in a mustard-yellow plaid suit.
Even from a distance, I could tell this guy was slimy. His brown hair was formed into a messy comb-over, and there was so much product slicked into his ‘do his head gleamed like a disco ball with each move he made. The mustard-plaid suited man was holding a slender portable microphone in his hand as he paced back and forth in front of the poorly-made “Bingo Night” banner hung up behind him.
It was Naberius.
Without warning, there was the distinct sound of a slap in front of us. A young blonde employee was now staring at the “elderly man” intensely with a look of murder in her eyes. She stuck out her finger and waggled it at Todd.
“That was not appropriate!” she hissed. “You know that kind of behavior could get you sent away. Is that what you want?”
“Where am I?” Todd snickered coyly. “Is this the woodworking shop? Are you my wife?”
The blonde employee’s face grew sympathetic, and she patted the disguised imp on the head.
“No, this is your home now,” she said sadly, and then she stood up to look at us. “You guys need to watch him better. He just smacked my ass like it was a freaking tambourine!”
“I’ll do better,” I swore. “Gerald here’s merely been a little more forgetful than usual today. Maybe a good game of bingo will jog his memory a little bit.”
“I hope so.” The blonde sighed and then walked away.
“Was that totally necessary?” I asked “Gerald” as I rolled him up to an empty spot at the table.
“Yes.” Todd nodded. “You shoulda seen it, Jakey. It was like the holy grail of asses.”
“Yeah, but--”
“You know those signs that say ‘Danger: High Voltage?’” the incognito imp continued. “And how you want to go up and touch them anyway just out of morbid curiosity?”
“I can’t ever say that I have--”
“It was like that, but with the blonde’s ass.” He chuckled. “I just happened to get electrocuted this time.”
“Okay, I get it,” I cut off Todd. “Now, let’s go over the plan one more time.”
“Yeah, yeah,” he scoffed as he swung his hand around. “I get Naberius to come over here real close, and then me, you, Strawberry Shortcake, and Leather Spanking kick his ass while Playmate and Fitness Model get everyone to safety.”
“Leather spanking?” Ira asked as she raised a dark eyebrow.
“I was going to go with ‘Hotter and Female Version of Two Face’s psyche, but that was a bit too long winded.” Todd shrugged.
“Wow, so you were listening,” I said with feigned shock. “Good luck, bingo master.”
The succubi and I left Todd to his game and walked to the back of the room.
“I did have one question,” Ira asked as we stood there watching the game unfold. “Do you want me as one or as two?”
“Excuse me?” My heart thumped in my chest as I pondered the succubus’ words.
A sly smile slid up Ira’s face. “I meant for this mission,” she explained. “Do you think I can cover more ground if my sub and my dom are both in on the action?”
“I would think it would be wise to have your dom half guard the door,” Cupi interrupted. “Trust me, that would ensure none of our targets escape. Not to mention, having a self-healer like your sub in the heat of a battle is always a great idea.”
“Just be warned,” Ira purred, “my sub half is going to say some things that can’t be unheard.”
“Trust us, sister.” Libidine chuckled. “Nothing could surprise us at this point.”
“Bingo!” Todd’s voice echoed through the main hall as he raised his ticket into the air. “I got one!”
“That’s the first signal,” I said as I nodded to the four succubi.
Ira hustled away toward the bathroom while Sia, Liby, and Cupi all took their places against the east, west, and south walls of the great hall.
“That’s excellent, sir!” Naberius’ raspy voice called out. “Whattya got for me?”
Todd looked confused. “Uh… B9, I27, free space, G50, and O63.”
“I don’t think I called those numbers, sir,” the demon at the front mused.
“What? I can’t hear you, sorry!” Todd fake yelled-apologized to Naberius as angry murmurs began to rise around him.
The man in the mustard plaid let out a sigh and then continued on with the game.
“If the Toddster doesn’t play it carefully, these old people are gonna rip him apart,” I told Sia. “The demons will be the least of his problems.”
“You must explain this game to me again.” Sia rapped her petite chin with her slender fingers. “It’s purely based on luck of the draw?”
“Basically.” I shrugged. “There’s no skill or strategy to it, at least that I know of. You just sit there and hope all of your lucky numbers get called.”
“That sounds boring,” the redheaded madame mused. “I’ll take a game with statistics and numbers and complex strategies any day over something so trivial like this.”
“It might be a little dry and uneventful, but that’s what makes it the perfect game for people in the later years of their lives,” I explained. “Could you imagine these guys trying to play Monopoly? The nursing home would burn to the ground.”
“That sounds delightful.” Ira’s voice giggled as the succubus returned.
The Sister of Wrath was still wearing the maroon scrubs, but the twinge of insanity in her eyes and the sadistic grin she wore on her face told me this was only half of the succubus.
“Sub half, I presume?” I said with a playful bow.
“Hammer cock,” the dark-haired woman grinned back, “we still need to set up a time to get to know each other better, you know. I want that thing to punish me like a naughty doggie.”
“Shhhh!” Sia hissed at the sub. “We’re undercover, remember?”
“I’d like to be under the covers with that battleaxe of a cock.” The sub giggled. “And above them. And on the couch. And in the pool. And until I’m raw like a piece of sandpap--”
“I understand, sister,” Sia cut off the sub, a little annoyance in her tone, and then turned to me. “Todd should be giving the second signal at any moment now, correct?”
“I hope so.” I nodded. “There can’t possibly be that many demons in an old folks’ home, right?”
“I hope there are.” The sub half of Ira laughed, slapped her hands on my cheeks, and stared me deeply in the eyes. “I wanna get fucked up real baaaaad.”
I pulled away from the crazy succubus and shook my head.
“It’s really gonna take me a while to get used to that, you know,” I retorted to the dark-haired woman. “I’ve dated some really crazy women before, but I think you might just take the cake.”
Ira’s sub half clapped her hands together joyfully. “Thank you, master,” she said with a smile. “I’ve never had anyone give me such a kind compliment before. I hate it! Please take me into the bathroom and punish me instead.”
“This is gonna be weird,” I turned and whispered to Sia.
From across the room, I saw the elderly Todd raise his hand into the air sheepishly.
“Yes, sir.” Naberius pointed from the stage. “You with the raised hand. Do you need help with something?”
“Sure do, sonny!” Todd yelled as if he was deaf. “I think I got another one of them ‘bingos,’ but I don’t want to get in trouble again for being wrong. Could you be a gent and come tell me if I’ve won?”
Naberius’ slimy face contorted with concern as he began to walk off the stage.
“Of course I can,” he comforted the “old man.” “You all know I’d do anything for my favorite friends here at Green Valleywood, don’t you, folks?”
There were a few weak claps and
cheers as Naberius made his way to Todd. Once the demon got there, he placed his hand kindly on “Gerald’s” back and leaned in to read the bingo card.
“This is it,” I reminded Sia and Ira’s sub. “Once Liby hits the fire alarm, we move.”
I looked over and saw Liby was in position, right next to the red pull-alarm. The succubus nodded in my direction, reached up, and then yanked down on the lever.
Flashing red lights erupted from the tiny fixtures on the walls, and the entire nursing home was filled with the shrill scream of the alarm.
The residents were looking around in confusion, but the employees were rushing around like chickens with their heads cut off. Libidine and Cupiditas both fell back into their disguise roles and began to help their “co-workers” get people out of the main hall.
Naberius tried to turn and run, but Todd grabbed at his mustard-colored suit and held him in place. The demon in disguise tried to break the imp’s grip as he started to scream at the “old man,” but he wasn’t going anywhere.
I couldn’t make out what they were saying, but I could see the demon was getting angrier and more panicked by the second.
This was our chance.
I sauntered toward the fucker as I extended a flaming green hand. It didn’t take much for me to get disgusted, the sight of this sleazy bastard was all I needed. I blasted the spell at Naberius’ feet, and his eyes widened as the jade fire traveled up his legs and encased his entire body.
“Ralston,” he growled. “I should have known you’d find me eventually.”
“Where are the rest of the Seventy-Two Servants?” I demanded. “There can’t be that many of you left.”
“There are still plenty enough left to kill you and your traitorous succubi!” Naberius hissed.
“Uh, guys?” Todd was now standing on the seat of the wheelchair and looked like his normal impish self. “I think the old fogies might be mad we interrupted their bingo game.”
There were at least a dozen “residents” who were now on their feet and advancing angrily toward us. More alarmingly, they all had red Hellfire glowing in their hands.
“Now, sonny,” one of the old women chuckled, and as the old lady spoke, her voice grew deeper and deeper until it was a raspy, demonic growl. “Why would you go hurting such a nice, handsome boy like that? I suppose we’re just gonna have to teach you a lesson now, aren’t we?”