by Eric Vall
Chapter 2
“You know,” Todd scoffed as he summoned a ball of fire into his open palms, “you demons are really bringing out the worst in me. First, you guys made me lay the smackdown on some little toe-headed kid, and now I get to beat up old people?”
“You guys would be fucked if Todd actually had a conscience,” I joked and tightened my telekinetic hold on Naberius.
“What--What the fuck are you waiting for?” the demon gasped. “Kill them!”
“You’re really not in a position to be making threats,” I said as I let out a snicker.
Quickly, I raised Naberius into the sky and brought him down hard on one of the tables. The demon let out a weak yelp as the flimsy plastic buckled under his weight, and he was driven head-first into the floor.
Immediately after I pounded the fucker into the ground, I released my spell and summoned red and purple Hellfire into my hands. Before any of the grunts could get a shot off, I blasted the old bastard on my left with an intense wave of crimson. He screamed in agony as his chest got a new cavity, and then he collapsed to his knees in shock.
Unfortunately, I didn’t have time to admire my handiwork as an “old woman” on my right had her arm back like she was winding up for a pitch. Only, instead of a harmless baseball, she was about to release a thousand-degree ball of Hellfire in my direction.
Right as her arm was set to release, I called up a small barrier of purple around her fist. Instead of launching her attack, the “old woman’s” eyes widened in terror as her entire hand was engulfed with her own searing-hot flames. The demon let out an inhuman hiss of pain as its hand was melted into little more than singed bone and sinew, and I felt a little bit better about beating up a geriatric.
These fuckers might look like elderly men and women, but they were really centuries-old demon grunts, and they were all about to be sent back to Hell where they belonged.
While the demon was distracted with its injury, I used my telekinetic spell to snap two of the metal legs off the card table next to her and lifted them into the air. Then I held out my hands in front of me in a parallel pattern and then slammed my two fists together.
The metal legs followed suit as they sped through the air and skewered both sides of the demon’s head with a sickly crunch.
Before the bastard died, its eyes rolled back into its head and it reverted back to its regular form. Unlike the demon grunts we’d encountered before who looked like larger versions of Todd, these guys were tall and lanky with green skin and red eyes.
Weren’t these supposed to be Azazel’s minions? Why did they look so different?
Before I could ponder the question any further, I heard a scream coming from my left. I whipped around and saw one of the demons had grabbed an elderly woman and was holding her with an arm around the throat.
More alarmingly, the son of a bitch was threatening the helpless woman with a dagger against her temple.
“Give up, Ralston,” the distorted demonic voice hissed. “Give yourself up, and we’ll let these old geezers live.”
“How the fuck--pardon the language, ma'am,” I caught myself. “How the hell do you demons keep thinking this is gonna work?”
“I swear to Lucifer himself, I’ll end her!” the demon threatened again.
“Try it,” I dared the cocksucker.
The “old man” plunged the dagger at his hostage’s temple. Instead of harming the innocent old woman, the tip of the weapon found itself traveling through space and time via green Hellfire … directly into the side of his own head.
What a dumbass.
He let out a yelp of surprise as his dark red blood shot out of the side of his skull, and then he let go of the white-haired woman and crumpled to the floor. I dashed across the hall and steadied the elderly woman as she stumbled and nearly fell.
“Get back in your room, ma'am,” I commanded and handed her an abandoned walker. “It’s much safer in there.”
I didn’t have to tell her twice. The old woman shuffled off into her room with the speed of a startled snail, and I turned my attention back to the battle.
Sia and Todd were dancing around the room, returning fire at the old-looking asshole demons.
“That’s for all the times you called me a ‘hippie’ and told me to get a haircut, Grandma!” Todd screamed as he released a fireball at his target. “Maybe next time I’ll forget your bladder-control meds on purpose!”
Meanwhile, Ira’s sub was standing naked in the middle of the room, shaking her ass at the demons tauntingly. All of the incoming projectiles were hitting the dark-haired succubus, but she didn’t seem to mind. Ira let out an intense moan of pleasure, healed herself with golden flames, and then continued to taunt her attackers.
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Naberius climbing back to his feet. The demon tossed off the mustard-colored jacket of his suit, cracked his neck, and then pointed directly at me.
“My brethren couldn’t kill you, Jacob Ralston,” he roared, “but I will!”
I couldn’t help but roll my eyes at this point. The Seventy-Two Servants and Azazel had been trying to kill us for nearly a year now, and we had kicked their asses each and every time. This wasn’t going to be any different.
Another quick survey of the battlefield told me most of the nursing home residents were out of harm’s way and my friends were doing fine on their own.
Good. That meant I could focus on Naberius, and Naberius alone. I smiled cockily at the demon as he rushed me and summoned an enchanted rapier into his hands.
Naberius made a stab at my head, but I sidestepped the attack. As I dodged, I summoned red Hellfire into my fist and countered the fucker with a punch to the face.
Naberius’ head kicked to the side as he grimaced with pain. Before I could get another swipe in, he lashed out at my legs with his rapier. I hopped gracefully over the blade and came down in a combat roll. As I jumped to my feet, I looked over in Todd’s direction and extended my hand.
“Toddster,” I called out to the imp. “Dagger me!”
“Brooooo,” Todd retorted as he dodged another fireball. “You were supposed to do the finger salute, just like we practiced! I even sketched it out on the whiteboard and everything.”
Still, despite his complaint, the imp drew my goat-headed dagger from his seemingly endless pockets and tossed it over in my direction. The weapon spun through the air for a moment before it landed perfectly in my right hand. As I brandished the weapon, I called forth red Hellfire, ran it over the cold steel, and the blade extended into a cutlass-like sword.
“Bad. Fucking. Ass,” Todd squealed from across the room.
I raised the sword toward Naberius. “So, it’s a swordfight you want?” I asked the demon. “Azazel and Zepar thought that was the way to beat me, too. You’ll have to ask how well it worked out next time you see them.”
Naberius was looking way worse for wear. My punch had completely burned the flesh on his left cheek, and a mixture of charred muscle and exposed bone replaced his normal complexion. His usually well-kempt hair was now standing up in tufts, and the new hairdo was held in place by the gallons of product on his head.
“What, with their broadswords?” Naberius scoffed and held the blade of his rapier in front of his face. “The weapon of a brute. This is a much more … sophisticated weapon.”
The demon flipped the tip of his blade downward at a diagonal angle and then swiped it up at my torso. I smacked the blow away with the swing of my cutlass and took a swipe at the fucker’s neck.
Naberius jumped backward, but the edge of my blade caught him in the chest and tore open his dress shirt. Blackish-red blood dribbled down his torso and stained his perfect white button-down, but the demon didn’t seem to pay much attention. Instead, he brought his rapier back into a defensive position and let out a sigh of frustration as he awaited my next move.
The two of us began to circle around each other, waiting for the other to strike. Waiting for the other to make a mistake we
could exploit.
Luckily for Naberius, I was a much more aggressive fighter. I let out a primal growl of frustration as I lashed out in a downward motion with my weapon. The demon deflected my attack and quickly stabbed at my shoulder, but I was fast enough to knock it away. I countered with a diagonal slice at the bastard’s sword-carrying arm, and he gracefully parried out of the way of the attack.
We began to circle again.
This motherfucker was right about one thing, he was definitely more sophisticated of a fighter than most of the demons I’d faced. If I wanted to win a fight against someone as defensive-minded as Naberius, I was going to have to dig deep into my bag of tricks. Then it struck me.
Bingo.
I took another slice at the demon, who sidestepped the blow, and flipped his blade onto the opposite side of my own. Then, he sent my weapon flying through the air with a flick of his wrist.
I threw up a small barrier of purple just before the tip of Naberius’ rapier pierced my heart.
“Magic in a duel of the blade?” Naberius huffed. “I’m disappointed, Ralston.”
I didn’t even respond to the fucker. Instead, I used my free hand to reach out, encase the entire bingo table with emerald flames, and then yank it toward us.
Naberius ducked out of the way of the large table and then let several of the hollow balls bounce off his body harmlessly. He shook his head, chuckled, and then turned back to face me.
Right as I unleashed a white-hot fireball into his gut at point-blank range.
The demon was knocked off his feet and tossed across the great hall like a ragdoll. Before Naberius could make contact with the shitty plaster wall, I used my jade fire to wrap the massive bingo banner around his body, flung the end around one of the ceiling banisters, and then hung him upside-down.
The bastard weakly tried to break free from his entanglement, and I began to charge. As I ran, I stuck out my hand and summoned my cutlass back to me with a cast of green Hellfire. I was upon Naberius in seconds, and I used the enchanted blade to slit the bastard’s throat.
Blood seemed to pour out onto the floor by the gallon as the demon gurgled and writhed in shock. Naberius’ eyes glazed over, and then his body went limp.
“Not using magic against the man who defeated Azazel?” I snarked to the dead body. “I’m disappointed, Naberius.”
I turned around to see most of our enemies had now fallen.
Todd hopped off the face of one of the “old men,” and the demon fell back with his face now a bloody pulp. The imp backflipped through the air, landed on his wheelchair, and nodded satisfactorily.
Meanwhile, Sia had her hands wrapped around the throat of another demon. Black Hellfire engulfed the demon’s entire head as he struggled to breathe, and the redhead was unnervingly calm as she watched her enemy suffocate to death in her arms.
“Man, Sia really knows how to choke a bitch,” Todd joked as I walked up next to him.
I looked over at Ira’s sub and couldn’t help but chuckle. All four of her demon adversaries were still alive and well, hurling magical attacks at the succubus with frustration on their faces.
“Come on, is that really all you’ve got?” the sub demanded. “I’m starting to think you really are a bunch of weak old geezers. I’ve only orgasmed twice!”
“She’s enjoying this a little too much.” I shook my head and readied my sword. “Shall we?”
Todd motioned for me to lower the sword, so I obliged.
“Bro,” the imp said with a twinge of excitement in his voice, “I just got the coolest fucking idea.”
Todd sat down on his wheelchair and pointed directly ahead.
“I want to drift my wheelchair into those fuckers,” he explained with a completely serious look, “and then stab them with your sword.”
“What?” I asked in disbelief.
“Come on, bro,” Todd begged. “You and your Professor X powers can make it happen. Pleeeaaasseee? It’d be cool as shit.”
“Oh yes!” Ira’s sub exclaimed from afar. “Burn me! Stick me full of daggers! Break a fucking brick over my head!”
“Fine,” I conceded. “Anything to make that stop.”
Todd snatched my enchanted sword out of my hand, flipped back around, plopped his rear in the seat, and grabbed on tight to the wheelchair handles. Then he raised the glowing red weapon into the air.
“Let’s make the magic happen, Jakey!” he exclaimed.
I chuckled, wrapped my hands around the bars on the back of the chair, and gave it a hard shove.
Todd cackled with glee as the wheelchair sped toward the remaining demons. As soon as he was within a decent striking distance, I summoned emerald fire around the makeshift chariot and turned it to the side.
“Flash!” Todd exclaimed as his chair drifted toward his targets. “Aaaaahhaaaahhh!”
The demons on the far side of Ira’s sub noticed the incoming imp, but it was far too late. The first one’s head was lopped off his neck with a swift strike, and the second one got a sword directly through the heart.
The mobile imp’s momentum kept him going, and he sliced open the leg tendons of the third demon as he passed by. Then, Todd propelled himself out of the wheelchair and flipped over the final demon. There was a flash of red Hellfire, a spray of blood and brains, and the last son of a bitch went down.
“I’m proud of our little imp,” Sia mused as she appeared beside me.
I wrapped my arm around the madame. “They grow up so fast, don’t they?” I said with a chuckle as we watched the scene unfold in front of us.
“Oh, come on.” Ira’s sub stood up, crossed her arms, and pouted. “You spoiled my fun!”
“Uh, Jakey?” Todd asked and pointed his sword at the only surviving demon. “I think that guy I kneecapped is trying to get away.”
Todd was right. Our final enemy was crawling toward the hallway, blood streaking behind him as he moved.
I walked over to the fucker and knelt down in front of him.
“Now,” I explained, “there are two ways this can go. The first is that I kill you right here and now, quickly and painlessly, or we can let you keep moving toward the exit where Ira’s dom half is waiting.”
“She’s even crazier than I am!” the sub cooed with an insane giggle. “She makes what you did to me here look like child’s play. It’s marvelous.”
“Fuck you, mortal filth,” the demon spat through his old man disguise.
“Fine.” I shrugged. “Dom half it is. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.” I stepped back and let the demon pass.
He weakly crawled through the threshold of the door, and I went back to join my friends.
“Yikes,” I said as I motioned to the bloody mess around us. “We really outdid ourselves this time, huh?”
“How the fuck are we gonna cover our asses this time?” Todd pondered. “Sure, Lib can mind-control all the residents and employees and make them forget about everything, but how are we gonna clean this shit up? It looks like somebody with anemia just got their first period in here.”
“That’s--That’s not the mental image I needed right now,” I gagged.
“I heard my name?” Libidine asked as she and Cupi re-entered the main hall.
“Todd was just saying how you’re gonna have to wipe the minds of all these people,” I told the succubus, “including the ones that were still in their rooms.”
“I already got all the people outside, but I can get the patients, too.” Liby nodded and then ran off to deal with our spectators.
Somewhere in the distance, I heard a blood-curdling scream of agony.
“We warned him.” Todd shrugged. “I guess he must have been a glutton for punishment.”
“No, silly!” Ira’s sub giggled. “That’s Sister Gula.”
“Ah yes, the porker,” Todd retorted.
“For the last time, Todd,” Sia rolled her eyes, “Gula isn’t obese.”
“I’ll believe it when I see it,” the imp scoffed. “I’ve b
een fooled by too many dating apps.”
Sia ignored Todd’s words. “How about we stage an accident?” she suggested. “The residents have already been evacuated, and it would explain why there appears to be a literal bloodbath in the great hall.”
“I see it on the news now--” Todd stuck up his hands and made a frame. “Explosion at local nursing home. Eyewitnesses claim one of the employees dropped her lit cigarette out of her mouth and into an oxygen tank when she saw their sexy new blond employee: A Mr. Todd, James Todd: Has the human body finally been perfected? Take one look at James Todd, and you’ll know it has.”
“Or…” I tried to get Todd back on track. “How about we just claim the boiler in the basement exploded? It would explain why there are so many burn victims.”
“Ohhhhh,” Ira’s sub moaned. “Can I be the one to blow it up? I’d relish a chance to take shrapnel and an intense fireball at point-blank range.”
“Why not?” I chuckled. “You go and blow the thing, and I’ll make sure the explosion is contained and doesn’t cause any more damage than we already have.”
“Yay!” Ira’s sub giggled as she floated up into the air.
In one quick motion, the succubus blasted a hole into the ground and flew down to the basement.
“Have you adjusted to Sister Ira yet?” Cupiditas said with a smirk. “She can be a handful sometimes.”
“She’s certainly fun enough to be around,” I admitted. “Definitely unpredictable.”
“I’m reaadddy!” the sub’s voice called out from below. “Three … Two … One!”
Barely a moment later, the entire nursing home seemed to shake, and a massive fireball charged at me from the hole in the floor. Fortunately, I was ready. I tossed out a portal of green flames with one hand and cast a massive container of purple with the other.
The explosion traveled through the portal and directly into the large violet prison. Flames and gas danced around behind the barrier, but it was about as harmless as the now-dead demons in the room. I continued to hold my spell for a few more minutes until the flames subsided. Then, I dismissed the emerald and purple flames, sat down, and let out a huge sigh of relief.