by Eric Vall
“Yeah, like when you and Janey here first met.” Todd shuddered. “I still see that shit in my nightmares.”
“May I make a suggestion, Jacob?” Oliver asked. “Perhaps a little bit of research is in order.”
“No,” Todd crossed his arms, “nonononono. That’s the most evil word you could say. I haven’t done that shit since college.”
“If memory serves me correctly,” I chuckled, “you didn’t really do much of it there, either.”
“Nonsense,” Todd scoffed. “Urban Dictionary and I were best friends back then.”
“Don’t you mean Wikipedia?” I asked coyly.
“Nope.” Todd shook his head. “Urban Dictionary. It taught me everything I could possibly want or need to know about the world. Does anyone else in here know what a Blue Waffle is? I think not.”
“What’s a Blue Waf--” Liby began, but I cut her off with a wave of my hand.
“You do not want to know,” I said with a shudder. “Trust me. Todd got me with that one forever ago. I was halfway tempted to burn my computer afterward.”
“Nonsense,” Oliver scoffed. “We were part of the Cult of Azazel. Nothing of this mortal world could possibly shake us.”
The white-haired man pulled his small black smartphone out of his robe pocket and began to tap away at the screen curiously. He had a skeptical look on his face as he typed in his query, and then he cockily held up his hand, extended his index finger, and pushed it against the display. The second he did so, his entire demeanor changed. Oliver’s face became as white as his hair, and his smirk stretched downward into a frown. The cultist’s eyes grew wide as he slipped his hand over his mouth in shock.
Meanwhile, Todd was prone on the breakfast bar, slamming his fist into the ground repeatedly while he cackled.
“I can’t believe--” he gasped through guffaws. “I can’t believe you actually looked it up! How’s that for research, old man?”
“That’s definitely not what I expected.” Oliver sounded speechless. “I--I think I need something to drink. The stronger, the better.”
The white-haired man stood up to leave, but Jane stopped him.
“Focus, brother,” she pleaded. “What were you talking about when you said ‘research?’”
“Not that,” he muttered weakly. “Certainly not that. I was only suggesting if you really wanted to get the jump on Gula and Tris, you could always go back to the Chapel of the Trinity or another old church. Perhaps even in the Vatican itself?”
“Oooohhhh,” Liby purred. “I’ve always wanted to see what that place looks like! We demons weren’t allowed in for obvious reasons.”
“We could go church hopping through Europe!” Cupiditas jumped up and down happily. “Think about it, Jacob. We could hang out in France, Italy--”
“Amsterdam, bro,” Todd added. “The Toddster could finally take Amsterdam!”
“I don’t think the world is ready for that,” I said as I shook my head at the thought, “but I’m loving the idea. Who’s ready for an adventure across the pond?”
Cupi, Liby, Jane, and Todd all raised their hands and chattered happily.
“Great!” I grinned at my friends and stood up from the couch. “Let’s go find Ira, and--”
“Hold on, Jacob.” Sia interrupted. “Have you checked our finances lately?”
I frowned at the redhead. This probably wasn’t going to be good news.
“Uh … no,” I murmured. “I thought that was your job.”
“It is,” Sia confirmed. “I am quite familiar with our finances. Now, let me ask you a question--”
“Oh, this definitely isn’t good, bro,” Todd whispered.
“In the last year,” Sia started, “we’ve purchased a new vehicle, completely renovated the Quinn Mansion, bought a passenger bus to transport your followers, fixed up the Velvet Lips, and, on top of it all, we had to foot a sixty-thousand dollar Uber bill your cultists racked up traveling cross-country to Washington, D.C.”
“And we still have a bunch more?” I asked playfully.
“Oh, and we completely rebuilt Elmer and Betty’s house,” the redhead mused. “I almost forgot about that.”
“It was the least we could do for destroying it.” I shrugged.
“I agree, but that’s beside the point,” the succubus continued. “Now, with all of those expenses on the table, on top of the standard operating costs for the strip club, do you think we can afford a trip to Europe?”
“Is that rhetorical?” Todd asked hopefully.
“Plane tickets alone would be through the roof, and that’s just if a few of us went,” the madame continued. “Unfortunately, any research endeavors will need to be done locally until we have time to build up our revenue stream.”
“Have we really blown through Quinn’s accounts that quickly?” I’m sure I couldn’t hide the shock in my voice.
“There is still a significant amount … ” Sia began to clarify.
“Yes!” Todd exclaimed. “Red Light District, here I come!”
“... but there’s nowhere near enough for an all-expenses-paid trip across the world,” the redhead finished.
“Damn it.” The imp hung his head in disappointment.
“What can we afford?” I asked as I tried to gauge what kind of shape we were in. “Could we go back out East to the Chapel of the Trinity? There were a lot of books out there we never got to check out.”
Sia sighed. “While you could technically afford to go out there, I wouldn’t recommend it.”
“What about the paranormal convention downtown?” Oliver chimed in. “Apparently this is one of the big ones. There are going to be scholars from all around the world there, all with their own ideas and theories about the occult.”
“Yeeeeessss,” Todd agreed. “That’d be perfect, bro. We could go there and rub it in the faces of those bookworms that we know more about the occult than they ever did. Plus, the chicks who go to these things are like, super smokin’ and normally in skimpy clothing, and if you can bring one of them back home with you? Buckle in, bro, because you’ll be in for a wild ride.”
“You sound like you have experience in these things,” I joked.
“Of course I do,” Todd retorted. “Where do you think I found out about the book that summoned Liby and Cupi here in the first place?”
“Wait, back up.” I held up my hands for clarification. “You can actually get valid information at these places? I thought they were all just full of quacks looking for a quick buck.”
“You disappoint me, bro.” Todd clicked his tongue.
“Paranormal conventions are actually really important to demons,” Cupiditas explained. “It’s one of the few times we can walk amongst those of Earth Realm without needing to hide.”
“That and Halloween,” Liby added.
“Well, fuck me … ” I said in disbelief. “I think I owe you an apology, bro.”
“Get in line, broski.” Todd shrugged. “You should know by now the Toddster lives his life by the HALF system. High, anti-conformist, loyal, and fuckable.”
“If only we could all be so blessed,” Oliver half-joked.
I turned back to Sia. “So what about it?” I asked our financial planner. “Do we have enough in our account to go downtown and explore the paranormal convention?”
Sia rolled her eyes playfully and then patted me on the small of my back.
“I suppose so,” she cooed into my ear. “Just make sure Todd stays away from the ‘ancient books’ section.”
“A joke from Strawberry Shortcake?” Todd mused. “I mean, I know I’m stoned, but I didn’t think I was that bad yet.”
“Only a partial joke,” Sia said with a knowing grin,“but seriously, go have some fun.”
“Aren’t you coming along?” I looked into Sia’s large violet eyes. “Our missions aren’t the same when you’re not there.”
“As much fun as spending the day in a hot convention hall filled with sweaty people and egotistical dem
ons sounds, I think I may sit out this one.” The madame nodded. “We’re currently having some issues at the Velvet Lips, and those need to be addressed ASAP if we wish to become profitable and fund another big adventure.”
“Are you sure, Superbia?” Liby asked sadly.
“It’s only one mission, Libidine,” the redhead reassured her. “You guys did fine with Jacob before me, and I’m sure you’ll do fine without me present. Besides, Ira will have your back.”
“Oh joy,” Cupiditas muttered. “I hope the carpets in the convention center are red because they sure as fuck will be when she’s done there.”
Sia walked over to Cupi and put her tiny arms around the blonde’s neck. “Now, Cupiditas,” the madame smiled, “play nice. I know you and Ira were always rivals back in the Circle of Sin, but we have a new master now. There’s no need for petty squabbling.”
“Yes, Sister Superbia.” Cupi sighed. “I’ll treat her well, I promise.”
“Good.” Sia smiled at the blonde as she pulled away.
The madame walked over to Liby and patted her on the shoulder. “You too, Liby,” she joked. “Keep them all in line while I’m away.”
“I will, Sister,” Libidine assured.
There was a ding, and Sia pulled a phone out of her pocket.
“Ah,” she exclaimed. “My ride’s here. Good luck, my friends.”
“Your ride?” I asked as Sia headed toward the door.
She looked back over her shoulder and gave me a wink. “Uber.” She grinned.
“Okay, that’s two jokes in the last few minutes.” Todd rubbed his head. “What kinda shit did I smoke?”
Sia gave us all a farewell wave, and then she opened up the massive front door and stepped through its threshold.
“I think Sia got the raw deal here,” I admitted to my friends. “We get to go off and have a good time at this convention, and she gets to go manage a club.”
“Superbia got exactly what she wanted,” Cupi explained. “She enjoys that kind of stuff. There was a reason she was our madame down in Hell, remember?”
“And they call Ira the sadist,” Todd whispered. “Yeesh.”
“Speaking of our sister,” Libidine interjected, “shall we go find Ira?”
“Nah,” I said with a wave of my hand. “She’s busy doing campaign stuff. We can tell the both of them everything we learned, anyway.”
“Well then,” Oliver exclaimed as he hopped back to his feet, “what are we waiting for? Let’s get to the convention, there are so many new things I want to learn!”
“Neeeeeeerrrrrrrdddddd,” Todd mocked the man with the white hair as Oliver dashed toward the door.
“You wanted to come too, Todd.” Cupi snickered. “It was partially your idea.”
“I’m just going for the chicks,” the imp argued.
“Sure thing, bro,” I said as I rolled my eyes, “sure thing.”
Jane, the succubi, and I followed Oliver and Todd out to the front of the house, and seconds later, the six of us were cozily inside our trusty Jeep Wrangler.
“We really need to get an upgrade, bro,” Todd pointed out. “There’s barely enough room for all of us here.”
“Maybe once Sia gets our strip club up and running,” I mused, “but for now, we’ve got a paranormal convention to hit up.”
I twisted the key, put Shadow into gear, and we were on our way.
Chapter 4
It wasn’t a far drive from the mansion to downtown Phoenix, and it made for a peaceful trip. Parking in the Southwest’s concrete jungle, on the other hand, was terrible, and the ridiculous demands of my friends certainly didn’t help.
“You know the rule, Jakey,” Todd reminded me. “If it’s not within three blockin’s, the Toddster’s not a-walkin’.”
“I second that notion,” Oliver spoke up. “I may look young for my age, but I’m still hundreds of years old. The closer we get, the better.”
“Also, no parking meters,” Todd added.
“No parking meters?” I questioned. “Why on Earth--”
“I had a bad experience with a meter maid I picked up at a bar back in Albuquerque,” the imp spouted with crossed arms. “I refuse to give her any more of my money.”
“Todd, you realize the money actually doesn’t--”
“Don’t care.” Todd shook his head. “I’m not giving money to any industry that produces soulless banshees like that.”
“Banshees aren’t actually soulless,” Libidine interjected. “They’re literally spirits themselves.”
“Geez, Todd,” Cupi joked, “I hope you don’t embarrass us like that in front of all the paranormal nerds in there.”
“I would never do anything to embarrass you, my bodacious blonde,” Todd promised and then took a drag off his joint. “On purpose, at least.”
Thankfully, there was a parking garage right up ahead. As soon as I was close enough to see the sign read “open,” I swerved between the bollards and drove up into the structure. There was a spot just near the entrance of the second floor, so I pulled Shadow into place, killed the ignition, and slid out of the car.
“You really have a knack for fitting things into tight places,” Cupiditas purred from the backseat.
“He really does,” Liby agreed and then slid out of the Jeep.
“I feel like I’m the only one who isn’t in on this joke,” Oliver said with confusion.
“Bro.” Todd sighed before he stood up on the leather seat, turned to the cultists, and then extended his right index finger. Then he made a circle with his left hand and started sliding his finger back and forth inside of it.
“Get my drift?” he asked the white-haired man.
“Oh, of course!” Oliver chuckled. “I just didn’t think that applied to succubi.”
“What are you suggesting?” Cupi hissed angrily.
Oliver’s eyes grew wide at the blonde’s sudden turn, and he stumbled over his words. “I only thought a-a succubus might not be as, uh--compressed, you know?”
“You need to get out more, Crocs-and-socks.” Todd patted the cultist comfortingly. “Now, if you’ll excuse me … Optimus Todd, transform!”
The imp closed his eyes, and then his red skin began to bubble. Slowly and comically, his arms and legs started to elongate as they turned a peachy color. Next, familiar blond locks began to protrude out of Todd’s head like sprouting grass, and within seconds they were at shoulder-length. Finally, his face and upper torso stretched and widened into a human form.
“What the fuck?” Oliver demanded in horror.
“Oh, I forgot,” I said as I held back a laugh. “You’ve never met the original Toddster. Human Todd, meet Oliver. Oliver, meet human Todd.”
“My God,” the white-haired man muttered. “Has he been human this whole time?”
The Toddster stroked his goatee. “That’s a loaded question,” he pondered aloud. “Are any of us really ‘human?’”
“It’s a long story,” Cupiditas explained and opened her door.
The six of us stepped out of the Jeep and made our way down to the ground level of the parking garage.
“You know,” Jane mused as our group approached the Phoenix Convention Center, “I’ve lived in Arizona all my life, and I’ve never once been here.”
“You didn’t come downtown much?” I asked. “It shouldn’t surprise me. You strike me as more of a ‘country girl’ anyway or at least, as ‘country’ as you can get out here in the Southwest.”
The brunette just smiled. “Too busy with cult business,” she corrected. “I never had time to make it downtown unless it was required for a mission.”
“Jane has been a loyal member of our organization her entire adult life,” Oliver explained.
“It’s true,” the green-eyed beauty admitted. “When I finally left my parents’ house, I came straight to the headquarters on the outskirts of town to live. The Cult of Azazel, and now the Cult of Ralston, has been the only family I’ve had for years.”
&nbs
p; “Uh … how old were you when all this went down?” I questioned, not sure if I wanted to hear the answer.
“She was eighteen, of course,” Oliver scoffed. “We may have been working for one of the vilest Demon Kings in existence, but we weren’t that evil.”
“Perv alert,” Todd whispered into my ear. “Hide the Cialis, bro.”
“What was that, Masterson?” Oliver grumbled.
“Oh, nothing,” the imp promised. “I was just telling Jacob how excited I am to be at this convention with my bestest friends in the whole world.”
“Mhmm.” The white-haired man nodded, entirely unconvinced. “No matter, it appears we’ll be in the bowels of the building shortly.”
“We really gotta work on your social skills,” I mused to the cultist. “People really don’t talk like that. Did Azazel ever have you interact with other humans? Like, ever?”
Oliver and Jane both looked at each other and shrugged.
“Only when we were required to,” Jane retorted. “Other than that we just talked to each other. Usually about cult business.”
“I thought most cultists had day jobs?” Libidine questioned. “Robert Quinn, Anton Blum, and Marvin Franklin certainly did.”
“They weren’t in charge of leading the entire organization,” Oliver answered. “That’s a full-time job in and of itself.”
“What about you, Jane?” Cupi addressed the brunette. “You didn’t take over as a liaison until we defeated Azazel in San Francisco.”
“I was what demons would call a ‘maid-servant.’” Jane sighed. “I stayed at the headquarters with the rest of the servants, doing odd jobs for Azazel whenever they were needed. In return, my former master provided us with food and shelter.”
“So, a slave?” I growled and tightened my fist. “That fucker had you as his slave.”
Oliver must have sensed my anger because he placed his hand on my shoulder kindly. “That is why it is so liberating to follow you, Jacob,” he said with a smile. “You have disposed of the old ways and brought our organization into a new era of progress and prosperity. All hail Jacob Ralston!”
“All hail Jacob Ralston!” Jane, Todd, Cupi, and Liby replied in unison.