by Eric Vall
“One more demon down,” I laughed. “We’re gonna be out of the job pretty soon if this keeps up.”
“Nonsense,” Sia scoffed. “There are hundreds of thousands of demons in this universe. I’d say we have very good job security.”
“You missed one,” the voice of Ira’s dom half said from behind us.
I turned around to see her holding the head of the escaped demon. The jaw was completely snapped off, and the demon’s tongue dangled down like the pendulum of a clock. The entire right side of the face looked like it had been melted off as well.
The dom tossed the head onto the ground in front of us.
“At least I got to have a little bit of fun too,” she mused. “I was afraid I was going to just be on guard duty the entire time.”
There was the sound of beating wings, and then the sub half of Ira reemerged from the depths below.
“What a rush,” she moaned to her other half. “We’ll have to start incorporating this kind of stuff into our sessions.”
“For sure,” the dom said with a smirk, “as long as I’m the one that gets to inflict it.”
“I’m not sure whether or not to be turned on or scared for my life,” Todd interjected.
“Why not both?” The sub giggled and retracted her wings. “That’s how I like to live my life.”
“It’s finally happened, Jakey.” The imp shook his head in disbelief. “I finally found somebody that’s crazier than moi. And here I thought it would be one of those chicks I met on the paranormal hookup sites … ”
“It’s done,” Libidine explained as she returned to the group. “I told them there’s been an accident and they need to stay in their rooms. Now, we just need to get out of here before anyone starts asking questions.”
“I suppose.” Ira’s dom half sighed.
A wave of pink Hellfire suddenly engulfed the sub and dom halves of Ira, and then the two were pulled toward each other by an unseen force. As soon as their bodies touched, they merged back into a singular figure. The recombined Ira seemed disoriented for a moment and rubbed her forehead groggily.
“How’d I do on my first good guy mission?” the succubus asked.
“We’ll talk about it in the car,” I promised the dark-haired woman. “I think it’s time to go home and recharge.”
“Nooooo,” Todd groaned. “That’s code for ‘go home and bang.’ I really need to invest in some noise-canceling headphones.”
I wrapped my arms around the four succubi, and we made our way toward the exit of the nursing home. This had been one of our more bizarre adventures, but it was still exhausting.
A little bit of rest and relaxation was exactly what we needed right now.
Chapter 3
“ … and that’s when I sliced that mother fucker’s head clean off with Jakey’s glowing sword,” Todd exaggerated. “And then, as the pièce de résistance, I whipped out a holy hand grenade, pulled the pin with my teeth, and tossed it behind us as we walked away. After I counted to three, of course. I didn’t need to look back over my shoulder either, cause I’m that kind of hero.”
“This sounds like quite the adventure,” an obviously-skeptical Oliver mused. “How was Naberius slain?”
“Ohhhh,” Todd grinned at the white-haired man, “that’s the best part. Me and Jakey--”
“Jacob and I,” Sia corrected.
“Jakey and I beat the shit out of Naberius with a rubber hose, and then my trusty sidekick hung him up and slit the fucker’s throat with a dagger,” Todd retorted.
“That last part is true,” I added.
“Aww.” Todd looked at me with empathy in his eyes. “You’re too humble, Jakey. You’re not really my sidekick, we’re partners. No homo.”
“No homo.” I rolled my eyes and shook my head.
“No matter the circumstances, I’m delighted to know Naberius is dead.” Oliver smiled at me happily. “With every member of the Seventy-Two Servants you kill, the closer you come to final victory over Azazel.”
“That’s a relief.” I sighed as I grabbed a beer out of the fridge. “The sooner we can put that asshole in the rear-view mirror, the better.”
We were now back at our mansion in Phoenix, the one that had formerly belonged to billionaire tech mogul and demon-in-disguise Robert Quinn. Not too long after we killed Quinn and took up residence, our new mansion was attacked by a demon and his hellhound. We killed those bastards, too, but our home took a lot of damage in the process.
Thankfully, thanks to a little bit of imp trickery, we also took over Robert Quinn’s bank accounts. It took hundreds of thousands of dollars to get our home back to its former glory, but with Quinn’s finances mixed with our newfound revenue from the Velvet Lips Gentlemen’s Club, the mansion was able to get a complete redesign.
The exterior of the mansion was mostly left alone, as its Tuscan-style siding and massive backyard fit in perfectly with the rest of the surrounding neighborhood. The only new edition to the property on the outside was a small fire pit with a seating area and the permanent installation of Todd’s favorite, the pergola.
On the inside, however, we went hog wild. What used to look like the elegant, “classy” home of an old bachelor was now adjusted to fit its younger, more modern residents. We pulled out a bunch of the walls, re-did the entire living room and kitchen, and even had the contractors re-do the bedrooms to make them feel more appropriate for someone under the age of forty. The only thing we made sure to restore in its exact original form was the dual staircase at the very front.
Nothing said “I’m rich and classy” like a dual marble staircase staring you right in the face when you enter the house.
I plunked down across from Oliver on the new black leather couch, cracked open the beer, and took a swig. It was hoppy and slightly bitter, with a faint nutty aftertaste. In other words, it was just the way I liked it.
“This is fucking great, Oliver,” I said as I wiped a dribble of foam off my chin. “Where did you get this stuff?”
“Your loyal servants made it for you, Jacob,” the white-haired man explained. “Brother Ezekiel is quite the brewer.”
“He was the one who provided the drinks for all our cult gatherings back when we were still the Cult of Azazel,” Jane added. “It’s marvelous, isn’t it?”
“It certainly is.” I took another swig of the hoppy alcohol as I admired the brunette cult leader.
Jane was wearing her typical outfit, the same navy blue robe all of my cultists wore when they were on official business. Typically the robe was meant to be loose and baggy, but that certainly wasn’t the case with Jane. The fabric clung to her massive breasts, two triple-D sized mounds that looked like they were screaming to burst out at any moment. The cult leader was just as curvy down at her waistline, where her robe squeezed to her hips as if they were made of elastic.
“A picture would last longer, you know,” Cupiditas’ voice taunted from behind.
“Did I really make it that obvious?” I turned and asked the blonde succubus.
“For a second, I thought I was going to have to walk over and manually force your tongue back into your mouth.” Cupi grinned.
“That sounds like fun,” I flirted back at the succubus.
“Jane is very pretty.” Libidine shrugged. “I can’t blame Jacob for staring.”
“Thank you, Liby,” Jane said with a sultry smile. “But Jacob is our mast--excuse me, our ‘leader.’ He can take a peek whenever he wants.”
“What about us?” Cupiditas mused as she wrapped her arm around Libidine’s shoulder. “Why don’t we ever get in on the fun?”
I felt my heart flutter in my chest at the blonde’s words, and I turned back to Jane to see her reaction.
“I--” the brunette stammered and her face grew red. “I’ve--I’ve never been with another--”
“I’m going to give you some privacy,” Oliver said with a mortified tone, and then he dashed out of the room as quick as a flash.
“He’s tot
ally going to beat it.” Todd snickered. “I hope he has some little blue pills, or else he’s gonna have a real hard time bringing his evanescence to life.”
Sia walked over and placed her hand on Jane’s shoulder tenderly.
“It’s alright, Jane,” she whispered into the brunette’s ear. “I was skeptical my first time too, but once it was over, I wanted to go back and immediately do it again.”
“It’d totally help make Jakey get stronger and shit,” Todd called out and then shot me a wink. “You’re welcome, Maverick.”
“I--I’ll have to think about it.” Jane recomposed herself. “Besides, we’re not going to be doing it right here and now, anyway.”
“I wouldn’t be so sure about that.” Todd clicked his tongue. “I’ve seen Jakey and these thirsty demons try and get it on in the shower, in the back of a jeep, and even in the middle of the desert.”
“That one was quite the feat,” Sia reminisced.
“Jacob has come a long way since I met him, and we slept together in his bedroom.” Libidine giggled.
“You can say that again,” Todd added.
The imp paused and looked back and forth at the five of us, seemingly waiting for a laugh. His eyes were wide and his mouth stretched into a devilish smile as he gave us comical looks.
“Get it?” he implored. “Jakey has ‘come’ a long way since then?”
“Ha,” I said half-heartedly and forced my lips into a smile.
Todd looked around again, frowned, and then pretended to adjust his invisible tie. “Yesh, tough crowd,” the imp said in his best Rodney Dangerfield impression. “I thought this was supposed to be Jakey’s playboy mansion, not the local cemetery.”
The joke wasn’t that funny, but Libidine let out a slight chuckle.
“Thanks for humoring me, Lib.” Todd shot finger guns at the dark-haired succubus.
“Anything for my favorite imp.” She winked back.
Todd put his hand over his forehead like he was going to faint. “Did you hear that, Jakey?” he asked. “She said I’m her favorite. No takesies-backsies!”
“Anyway,” the visibly-shaken Jane interjected, “congratulations on your mission, Jacob. As Brother Oliver mentioned, this is just another step toward your final victory over Azazel. Soon, my former master will be weak and powerless, and that’s when you can go down to Hell and crush him like the cockroach he’s always been.”
“I’m sure Azazel is growing desperate,” Sia added. “He’s lost his four greatest warriors and the majority of his followers, and all three of his master plans have been halted in a spectacular fashion.”
Cupi nodded. “That means he’s probably scheming up Plan D as we speak.”
“Oh, I bet he’s down there thinking of a big ‘ol D, alright,” Todd sneered.
“Surely he’s got to be out of ideas?” I said as I finished off the beer and set it down on the end table. “He’s already shot his wad prematurely twice now. How many fucking ways could there be to get out of Hell?”
“If there’s a way, Azazel will find it,” Sia warned. “Jane’s right when she says he’s a cockroach. At least, he has the longevity of one.”
“The fucker has no more cult, almost no more minions, and he’s running low on succubi,” I argued. “We’ve got him right where we want him. I’m halfway tempted to just let his sorry ass rot in Hell for all of eternity, but where’s the fun in that?”
“I wouldn’t underestimate the rest of our sisters, Jacob,” Liby warned.
“Who’s even left?” I asked. “Gluttony, Sloth, and Envy? You said the four of you were his best warriors. What could they possibly have that you don’t? Besides, I’ve been able to convince Pride and Wrath to join my side. I don’t think I’ll have a problem getting those last three to join us.”
“Seriously,” Todd agreed. “Just leave out some donuts for Gluttony, some pictures of Jacob’s dick for Envy, and some leaves for the Sloth. Rig up a trap, toss ‘em under, and boom! Instant new friends.”
“For the last time,” Cupi sighed, “Sister Tris isn’t a sloth like you have here on Earth.”
“I’ll be the judge of that one.” Todd nodded defiantly.
“None of those succubi sound like they’re very dangerous,” I said with a shrug. “If we could survive Ira summoning a giant three-headed dog and gathering the Seventy-Two Servants, I think the worst is behind us.”
“Speaking of Ira,” Jane looked around the room curiously, “where is she?”
“Alas, our sweet Ira has decided to go back into the pit of shit,” Todd explained. “The place that would make even the most evil of demons blush with shame.”
“The pit of shit?” Jane questioned.
“She’s running for office,” I translated. “We decided since she is the ‘wife’ of recently-disgraced Representative Marvin Franklin, she should try to take his place in Congress. There’s a special election for his vacant seat coming up here soon.”
“Rest her soul.” Todd shook his head and did a cross pattern over his chest.
“Careful doing that.” I chuckled. “We don’t need you bursting into flames.”
“I would have thought Ira wanted to take a break from the cut-throat world of politics,” Jane sounded surprised, “especially after that elaborate scheme to get Proposition Sixty-Six passed.”
“Are you kidding?” Todd snorted. “It’s a dog-eat-dog world full of backstabbers, under-the-table deals, lies, corruption, and conspiracies. Of course, the sadistic Sister of Wrath would want to jump right back in, probably balls-deep with a strap-on!”
“Actually, that might not be too far off with Ira’s dom side,” Libidine said with a raised finger.
“Exactly,” I agreed. “If we could survive Wrath, we can survive anything.”
“Just don’t underestimate our other Sisters, Jacob,” Sia reiterated her warning. “Gula and Tris might not be the greatest warriors in the world, but they have other special talents that make them formidable foes.”
“What about Envy?” I asked curiously. “I don’t think you guys have ever really talked about her at length before.”
Sia, Liby, and Cupi all looked at each other cautiously and remained silent.
Finally, Cupi spoke up. “Sister Invidia is the ‘red-headed stepchild’ of the Circle of Sin,” the blonde explained. “She is extremely powerful, but also has a fuse like the wick of a candle.”
“She’s very unpredictable,” Sia added. “That’s why she was only let out on special occasions.”
“What do you mean ‘let out?’” I questioned.
“Sister Invidia isn’t a great warrior, but she’s by far the strongest of us all,” Sia continued. “For that, Azazel and Earl always kept her on a tight leash. She’s always been kept in a large cage directly at the center of the Fourth Circle of Hell, that way she is never out of Azazel’s sight.”
“But she’s a succubus, right?” Something didn’t add up. “Her whole job is to come to Earth and sleep with those who summon her. How does that work if she’s always kept under lock and key?”
“Like Sia said,” Liby started, “Sister Invidia was Azazel’s last resort. He would only send her to Earth Realm to satisfy those who needed convincing.”
“So she was his ‘Ace in the Hole’ to gain more powerful followers?” Todd asked.
“I think they were the ones putting things in her holes,” Sia sighed, “but yes, something like that.”
Todd fell over onto the counter and began to roll back and forth hysterically. “It’s a figure of speech, Strawberry Shortcake, but I’m totally gonna use it that way from now on.”
“So, what, she’s good at sex?” I was trying to get the gist of what the succubi were saying.
“You don’t even want to know,” Liby said. “The rest of us in the Circle of Sin refer to Invidia as the ‘Forbidden Fruit,’ because once you’ve gotten a taste of her, you don’t want anything else.”
“Another reason Azazel decided to lock her away,”
Sia continued. “He didn’t want the succubi and incubi fighting over her.”
“Well damn.” I sat back on the couch and put my hands behind my head. “Now I’m intrigued.”
“Don’t fly too close to the sun there, Icarus,” Todd snorted as he wiped a tear away from his eye. “Instead of losing your wax wings, you could be risking losing your whole schlong, and once that’s gone, what’s the point of life?”
“As always, I think Invidia will be Azazel’s last resort,” Cupi said as she ignored Todd’s joke. “Especially now that he’s so weak. He’s going to hold onto his strongest succubi until we pry her from his cold, dead hands.”
“So we need to start planning for Gula or Tris then?” I confirmed.
“Both,” Sia corrected. “Gula and Tris are inseparable. If the King of the Fourth Circle sends one of them, the other will not be far behind.”
“Excellent.” I smiled at the redhead. “That just means two for the price of one.”
Oliver popped his head through the doorway, his hand over his eyes like a makeshift blindfold.
“Are you guys done yet?” he asked. “I hear a lot of talking, but no fornicating.”
“Oh, we’re just getting started,” Todd joked. “Talking about the deep lore of Hell makes us all wet and shit. It’s the only foreplay for a demon.”
“Very well,” Oliver responded with a nod. “I’ll leave you to--”
“Oliver, wait.” I stopped the white-haired cultist. “Todd’s only fucking with you.”
Oliver lowered his hand away from his face and let out a sigh of relief. Then, the elderly man walked back into the kitchen and took a seat on one of the stools at the breakfast bar.
“I overheard you talking about Azazel’s remaining succubi, and I wanted to know if I could be of any assistance,” he offered.
“I dunno,” I explained. “We know Gula and Tris are going to be the next ones we encounter, so we’re just trying to figure out how to best prepare for their powers. I’m not gonna get caught with my pants down again.”