by Eric Vall
“Modern technology has gone too far,” I said with a chuckle.
“No, no,” Todd added, “the best part is these things are nearly indestructible. I saw some video where a soldier overseas got attacked with an RPG, and his Nokia still held up! Watch this.”
Todd held Raph’s phone up into the air and summoned red Hellfire into his hand. Once the phone was fully engulfed in the blaze, the imp flung his right arm down and threw it into the floor.
The phone smashed into the ground but remained in one piece.
“It’s a miracle!” the imp exclaimed.
Todd jumped up into the air and then landed with his left foot directly on the Nokia. This time, there was a loud crack, and bits and pieces of the cell phone went spraying across the floor of the hotel room.
“Uh, oops,” Todd apologized and began to scramble to pick up the pieces. “Maybe I got a little too carried away there.”
“It’s alright, friend.” Raphael sighed. “This just means I’ll have to upgrade again. I hear there are these things called ‘clamshell phones’ now that can flip closed and have their own adjustable signal antenna.”
Todd placed a handful of the Nokia’s remains into the Archangel’s hands and then patted him on the arm. “The future is now, buddy,” the imp smiled.
Raphael shoved the debris into his robe pocket and then turned back to face us. “I will let you know the instant I find out anything more about Aruna or when I receive any updates about our numbers,” he promised. “Probably via a new cellular device.”
The Archangel took a few steps backward, tossed his arms out to the side, and closed his eyes. A brilliant white light overtook his body, and then the man in the white robe vanished in a literal flash.
“We really gotta invest in sunglasses, bro,” Todd said through gritted teeth. “Being around Raphey-boy there really does a number on the retinas.”
“It does a number on quite a lot of things,” Cupiditas grumbled.
“You really don’t like him, do you?” I asked the blonde succubus curiously.
Cupi shook her head vigorously. “No, I don’t,” she confirmed. “He was always acting like he’s so much better than everyone else. If Demons are egotistical, then Angels are snobs.”
“Exactly!” Libidine added. “They like to think they are night and day, but they’re really just different sides of the same coin.”
“Once again, orgy vs. gangbang,” Todd observed. “BDSM vs. Femdom. Hentai vs. Tentacle Porn. I could keep going if you’d like.”
“I think we’re good,” I said as I tried to shut the imp down. “Raphael might be a little frustrating to work with, but at least he’s trying to help. I don’t see any demons stepping up and offering to help us bring down Azazel.”
“You’d be hard-pressed to find any,” Cupi explained. “Most demons are petrified of the Father of Warfare, especially the lower-level ones.”
“Well, somebody wants his succubi dead, and Raphael seems to think it’s not anyone on our side,” I retorted. “We just need to figure out all this shit with Aruna and Tris and Gula before it’s too late.”
Libidine smiled, walked over, and placed her hand delicately on my shoulder. “In the morning, Jacob. We can figure it all out in the morning. For now, we should return to bed. I’m sure Sister Ira will appreciate the company.”
Even though I was exhausted and frustrated, the dark-haired succubus’ words perked me up.
“That sounds excellent,” I agreed. “Let’s go back to bed, girls.”
I stood up, and Cupi and Liby both instantly took me by the arm.
“Good night, Todd,” Liby called back as we headed toward the door.
“Kick that winged creature’s ass for me, okay?” Cupi added. “Maybe next time we can get past the sixth level.”
“Oh, I will,” the imp promised. “I’m gonna finish this all-nighter and beat this fucking game like it owes me money.”
We walked back out into the hallway, and the sounds of machine-gun rattles and dying demons became distant. The three of us made it to my room, slowly opened the door, and then tried to sneak in stealthily.
Ira was still in bed, passed out right next to where we had made love. Cupi and Libidine undressed quickly and then slunk over into the king-sized bed beside their sleeping sister. I tossed off my robe, climbed into bed, and pulled the girls in close. As I stared up at the ceiling and felt myself drifting off to sleep, I thought about our next adventure tomorrow.
We were headed back to Phoenix, and we were gonna have to crash Gula and Tris’ party once more.
Chapter 15
The succubi and I cuddled close in bed for another few hours. The four of us woke up around ten thirty in the morning, still groggy as fuck. I could have easily slept another four or five hours, but unfortunately, checkout was at eleven.
We hadn’t brought anything up to the room, so getting ready to leave was as simple as tossing on our original clothes and making sure I had my phone, wallet, and keys.
Once we were all ready to go, we went to check on Todd.
The imp looked like death when he opened the door. There were gigantic bags under his bloodshot eyes, and his entire body was twitching involuntarily.
“Uh, are you okay?” I asked curiously.
“N--never better,” Todd responded.
“It’s almost time to check out,” I continued. “How’d you sleep last night?”
The imp raised a trembling hand to his chin and pondered the question for a moment. Then, he looked up at me and shrugged.
“I didn’t,” he said as he smiled. “I beat the game at around six in the morning, and then I was gonna sleep. But I found some ‘all-access’ channels if you get my drift. One thing led to another, and well … let’s just say I sympathize with the maid on this one.”
“That was four hours ago,” Cupi gasped. “Are you telling me that--”
“Like I said,” Todd interrupted. “My condolences to the maid.”
“If it makes you feel any better,” Ira spoke up, “Jacob and I did a number on our bedsheets, too.”
Todd grabbed his stomach queasily. “Actually,” he gagged. “It doesn’t. Give me like, five seconds, and then I’ll be ready to go.”
The imp ran back into the room for a second and then came back out holding his keycard and a handful of miniature shampoo bottles.
“Seriously?” I asked with a raised eyebrow.
“They’re only gonna throw them out, anyways,” the imp explained. “May as well get some free shit while we’re at it. You know what I say, Jakey: ‘if it’s up for grabs, the Toddster’s gotta haves.’”
“That’s just poor grammar,” Libidine giggled. “Superbia would be very upset.”
“Strawberry Shortcake ain’t here,” Todd retorted. “I can speak in Pig Latin if I want.”
“Pig Latin?” Cupi asked as the five of us began to walk toward the elevator. “I’m not familiar with that sort of dialect. What part of Europe speaks that?”
“Oh, it’s from some tiny country most people have never heard of,” Todd lied. “The land of Middle Schoolorus.”
“I haven’t heard of that one,” Cupi pondered as the doors closed behind us. “Could you speak a little bit for us? I’m always interested in learning new modes of communication.”
“You are famous for your tongue,” Todd snickered and then cleared his throat. “Hetay allcay siay omingcay romfay nsideiay hetay ousehay.”
“Wow,” Cupi mused. “That sounds pretty complicated. I have no idea what you’re even trying to get at.”
“He said ‘the call is coming from inside the house,’” I explained. “Todd, aren’t you forgetting omethingsay?”
The imp looked at me with confusion in his eyes.
I motioned up and down his tiny body, and then the imp gave me his signature finger guns.
“Otgay tiay,” he giggled and then quickly turned invisible.
“Wow,” Libidine mused. “You guys could use that to co
mmunicate for secret missions and stuff like that. I’ve never heard anyone speaking in Pig Latin before!”
I glanced over at the succubi and nearly lost my composure.
Cupi and Liby were both enthralled by the concept of this “new language,” but Ira just stood there with a sly grin on her face.
The Sister of Wrath had spent much more time on Earth than any of the other members of the Circle of Sin, so she must have already been privy to this joke. Ira let out a muffled chortle, and both of the other succubi turned around to look at her curiously.
“What’s so funny, Sister?” Cupi asked.
“Nothing,” Ira cooed. “Nothing at all. I’m just letting my mind wander back to last night with Jacob, that’s all.”
“His penis is still all in one piece, right?” Libidine questioned with a little too much concern in her voice. “I’d hate to have to work with damaged goods from now on.”
“Of course it is.” Ira rolled her eyes. “I didn’t bring out the big guns. Yet.”
“Baby steps, remember?” I lied to the succubus. “Baby steps.”
My friends and I exited the elevator, headed over to the checkout, and then handed over our room keys.
“How was your stay?” the man behind the counter grinned. “I hope everything was to your satisfaction.”
Ira leaned forward on the counter and thoughtlessly pushed her breasts together as she did so. “Brother, you have no idea,” she explained coyly.
“The video games were nice,” Liby added. “Even our room at the Excalibur didn’t have those.”
“Ah, yes, I almost forgot about the room charges!” the employee slapped his forehead playfully. “Thanks for reminding me.”
“Room charges?” I said, dread filling my voice.
At first, I was worried, but then I forced myself to cool down. We had only been here for one night. How many charges could there possibly be?
“That’ll be four-hundred dollars,” the man explained.
“Excuse me?” I gasped aloud. “Could you break down those charges for me, please?”
“Absolutely!” The employee kept his happy demeanor. “Fifty dollars for a five-hour video game rental, purchased twice. One-hundred dollars worth of room service food and beverage, and ten dollars per, um, adult movie. Purchased twenty times.”
“I thought they were all complimentary,” Todd’s disembodied voice sighed from below, “but I’m not gonna try and cover for anyone. It was totally all on Cupi.”
“Hmmm,” I sighed and reached into my wallet. “Apparently there was a misunderstanding. My friends thought all that stuff was complimentary--”
“Tell you what,” Ira stepped in. “Why don’t we make a deal?”
“A deal?” the employee asked. “I’m just a desk worker, I--”
“My name is Maggie Franklin,” the succubus continued. “You may or may not know me, but you certainly are familiar with my ex-husband, Marvin.”
The man’s eyes lit up with recognition. “Oh, yeah! He was the one who was caught--” he started, but then quickly changed his tune. “He used to be in office until that big scandal.”
“Damn straight,” Ira continued, “and then I kicked his cheating ass to the curb. Now, as you may or may not know, I’m currently running for his vacant seat. This little hotel is charming, and you have a beautiful lobby. It’s very elegant and traditional, yet chic all at the same time!”
“Uh, thanks?” the man behind the counter asked curiously.
“My point is, I’m going to need a place for our upcoming debate with my opponent, Mr. Hoggins,” Ira explained. “My candidacy is all about giving back to the people who elected us, and I’d be absolutely enthralled if we could hold the debate here. Why go for the ballroom of some fancy chain hotel when we could have it right here, in an establishment run by local Arizonans?”
“I’ll, uh, I’ll have to call my boss,” the employee said as he held up a finger and fumbled around in his pocket.
The man pulled out his phone, punched in some numbers, and then held it up to his ear. He stepped away from the counter, and I took the opportunity to pull Ira away for a quick sidebar.
“What are you doing?” I asked the succubus. “We don’t need all this pomp and circumstance. I was just gonna pay and we’d be on our way.”
“Nonsense,” Ira smiled and waved her hand. “If there’s one thing I’ve learned since being involved in the world of politics, it’s that you never have to pay for anything. If you play your cards right, of course.”
“Yeah, but--”
“Mr. Hoggins and I needed a place to debate,” Ira shrugged. “Now we have one. And if the hotel owner so graciously waives all of our room fees in return for the free publicity and the slight increase in business, so be it.”
“You really are good at this.” I grinned knowingly.
Ira put her hand on my arm tenderly. “That’s why it’s so great to have me in the group.” She winked. “Now you can save your money for that nice, fancy lunch you’re going to buy us later.”
“Well, I just talked to the owner,” the hotel employee interrupted our conversation. “He says he’d be more than thrilled to host your debate here. Give him the date, and he’ll have everything ready.”
“That sounds marvelous, dear.” Ira placed her hand against her chest happily. “Now, about those fees--”
The man shook his head. “Don’t worry about it, Ms. Franklin.” He smiled. “We’re just glad you and your friends stopped in for a stay at our fine establishment.”
“We are, too,” Ira said coyly, and she shot the employee a friendly wave. “Have a marvelous day!”
“You too,” the man replied, “and thank you once again!”
The five of us sauntered out through the doors of the hotel, made our way to Shadow, and then hopped into the beat-up Jeep.
Todd’s body reappeared in the passenger seat, and he quickly stood up and tossed his hands out in front of himself.
“I can totally explain, bro,” the imp began. “I thought all those movies and shit were free. Like, who puts a full-fledged gaming system in their hotel room and expects people to pay extra for it?”
“Literally every hotel with a gaming system in their rooms,” I answered nonchalantly.
“I mean, I expected to pay for the room service, but I was gonna do that with my own money,” he explained.
“Where are you getting money from?” I mused as I turned the key and Shadow roared to life. “It’s not like I give you an allowance or anything.”
“Have I not told you?” Todd said with mild surprise in his voice. “I’ve started my own occultist blog.”
“A blog?” I asked, unconvinced.
I kicked Shadow into reverse, and then we backed out onto the main road.
“Yeah,” Todd continued. “I call it Masterson’s Musings. It’s nothing compared to the big sites or paranormal channels, but I’ve got a small cult following. No pun intended.”
“You’re not giving away sacred secrets that have been protected for thousands of years, are you?” I asked in horror.
“I take offense to that, bro.” Todd scoffed. “Of course not. It’s mostly my opinions on the Illuminati, the JFK assassination, and Lizard People. And Bigfoot. I can’t forget my hairy friend, Bigfoot.”
“So let me get this straight,” I questioned. “You take all of your tinfoil theories about the paranormal, type them up, publish them to the web, and somebody pays you for them?”
“Not a lot.” Todd shrugged. “Like, I could afford to maybe go out to a nice dinner or something. Someplace fancy, like Sizzler. But that’s about it.”
“What I wanna know is who the hell is paying you for all this?” I continued as Shadow pulled onto the interstate.
“It’s all in the advertising dollars, bro,” the imp said as he pulled out another joint from his “pocket.” “Sia’s the one who taught me all about it. You’ll have to ask her how it works. After she fixes up our baby here.”
<
br /> Todd took a puff from his joint and made a grandiose gesture to the interior of the Jeep.
The imp was right, Shadow was looking pretty worse for wear.
I patted the steering wheel jovially and smiled. “She might be a little banged up,” I joked, “but she’s still purring like a kitten.”
“Yeah,” Todd snickered, “a mangy kitten. The kind you’d see in a Sarah McLachlan commercial.”
“She still runs,” I retorted. “As long as Shadow can get us from point A to point B, that’s all that matters.”
“I dunno, bro,” Todd continued. “I’d say once Sia gets the Velvet Lips back up and running and Ira starts collecting her politician’s salary, we should trade in ol’ faithful and get a Lambo.”
“Orrrrr … ” I tried to plead with the imp. “We could just have Sia fix up Shadow with her healing powers and keep using our Jeep.”
“Where’s the fun in that?” Todd sighed. “I’m sure everybody in this vehicle right now would rather have a sexy red Lamborghini than a soccer-mom Jeep.”
“Again,” I reminded the imp, “soccer moms drive vans. Jeeps are for rugged off-roaders which is much closer to what we are.”
“A Lambo would be really sexy,” Ira pondered and then turned to her sisters. “It’s one of the highest-end cars here on Earth Realm. It costs an arm and a leg, but they’re sleek, stylish, and make a lot of loud noises!”
“That sounds amazing,” Cupi agreed. “Why can’t we get one?”
“A couple of reasons,” I scoffed. “One, it wouldn’t be able to fit all of us. Two, like Ira so graciously reminded us, a Lambo costs hundreds of thousands of dollars.”
“Aw, come on,” Todd continued. “We could call it the ‘Lambro.’ Think about how badass that’d be.”
“Even if Sia makes the Velvet Lips the greatest strip club in the history of the universe, I don’t think we’ll be making that kind of money,” I chuckled, “and even if we were, millionaires don’t get to where they are by spending their money carelessly.”
“Fine, fine,” he finally caved, “but if Masterson’s Musings ever becomes a mega-hit, the first thing I’m doing is getting us a Lambro.”