by Eric Vall
“I appreciate the thought, Todd.” I smiled at the imp in the passenger seat.
We continued down the highway for another hour or so, back over the bridge where we’d last seen Aruna, and then back to a more populated part of Arizona.
As we passed by one of the blue exit signs, my stomach made a loud growling noise. Cupi, Liby, and Todd may have had some midnight snacks, but I was still running on those onion rings from the night before.
“Who’s hungry?” I asked the cabin of the Jeep Wrangler.
Libidine hung her head over the front seat from behind and made a face of exhaustion. “Food sounds incredible right now,” she begged.
“You do owe me a fancy dinner for saving your skin back there,” Ira added, “but I guess a nice lunch would suffice.”
“Bro, I could eat a donkey right now,” Todd groaned.
“Don’t you mean ‘I could eat an elephant?’” I asked with a chortle.
Todd looked at me, his eyes bloodshot. “No,” he explained. “I’m talking a donkey. Elephant meat is actually not too bad, but have you ever had donkey? That shit’s gross.”
“I have so many questions,” I pondered aloud, “but at the same time, I really don’t want any answers.”
“It’s for the best,” Todd nodded. “Let’s just say, there’s a certain ethnic restaurant back in Albuquerque you don’t want to go to when they’re running low on hamburger. Let’s leave it at that.”
“Uh--” Words were completely escaping me at the moment. “Where do you guys want to eat? Preferably not a burger joint.”
Ira’s slender hand extended past my head and pointed to one of the logos on the exit sign. “I’ve never been there before,” the succubus suggested. “Why don’t we give it a go? I’m always ready for some experimentation.”
I turned Shadow off the exit, and we were at the restaurant in no time. I wasn’t familiar with the name or the logo of the establishment, but it looked pretty busy for a weekday.
Just from looking at the building, you could tell this place was originally designed to be something else. The structure was five times larger than a restaurant needed to be, and its bulk rivaled the strip mall across the street. The facade looked like it was supposed to be a pagoda of some sort, and it bore a red and yellow color scheme. Despite its oriental look, the sign on the front read “Marty’s Marvelous House of Steaks.”
Definitely not a Chinese place.
The parking lot of the restaurant was nearly full, and it took us a few minutes to even find someplace to squeeze in our Jeep. Finally, we pulled the jet-black vehicle into a parking space, and then we exited.
“That’s a good sign, Jakey!” Todd, now in his human form, giggled. “The more customers they have, the better the food is.”
“I just want a good steak,” Ira grumbled. “Even though I was a politician’s wife, he never really treated me to the finer things in life. Marvin and our masters thought I was ‘below’ that kind of treatment. Outside of the public eye, of course.”
“Of course,” I growled.
Ira may have acted crazy and sadistic sometimes, but underneath it all, she was a kind spirit. All she ever wanted in life was to do her master proud and serve him in a more powerful role, but fuckers like Azazel and Earl would never see a succubus as their equal. That would somehow damage their fragile little egos.
I thought back to all of the assholes who’d wronged Ira, and I was glad they were all rotting in Hell.
“It’s alright, sister,” Libidine reassured the succubus. “Now that you’re with Jacob, he’ll treat you to all the finer things in life.”
“If you haven’t noticed,” Cupi added, “he treats us all like queens.”
“Even me,” Todd added with a giggle and then held open the door for the four of us.
As we passed through the door into the steakhouse, the change in the environment was almost jarring. The entire outside of the restaurant was made to look oriental, but the inside was anything but. A modern-looking chandelier hung from the twenty-foot ceiling, and the tables were all black with fancy red tablecloths. The floor felt like it was made of real hardwood, and there were cobblestone fireplaces all around.
“Welcome to Marty’s Marvelous House of Steaks!” an over-excited employee greeted us. “Where you pick ‘em, we stick ‘em, and then you lick ‘em!”
“There’s got to be a motto with better alliteration than that,” Todd observed.
The man snatched up a couple menus. “Five?” When I nodded, he motioned for us to follow. “Right this way, please.”
“This is the most bizarre restaurant I’ve ever seen,” I muttered as we made our way toward the table.
“I swear I saw this place on Kitchen Nightmares once,” Todd added. “I think that was the one where they found a mouse in the deep fryer.”
I gagged at the thought, and the succubi giggled.
“What’s so funny about finding a dead mouse in your food?” I asked. “That’s disgusting.”
The five of us sat down at our table, and then the employee set the menus in front of us and scuttled away.
“I think you forget where we came from, Jacob,” Cupi smiled. “Vargrats, creatures similar to your Earth rodents, were all we had down there.”
“What can I say?” I shrugged. “You guys have adapted to Earth Realm so well that I don’t even think of you as demons anymore.”
“Awww,” Liby cooed. “What do you think of us as?”
“Don’t answer that, bro,” Todd interjected. “It’s a trap.”
I ignored the imp’s words and gave the succubi a devilish grin. “I think you all know how I think of you.”
“My client doesn’t know what he’s saying,” Todd said with mock seriousness and then leaned into my ear. “As your best friend and legal counsel, I’d advise you to stop talking before you say something you’ll regret.”
“Nonsense.” I rolled my eyes and then turned back to the succubi. “You are all my best friends. And my lovers. I would say ‘girlfriends,’ but that seems to undersell the situation a little bit.”
“So we’re not your girlfriends?” Liby asked playfully.
“Abort! Abort!” Todd warned.
I continued to ignore the imp, and I grinned back at the raven-haired beauty. “Of course you are,” I explained, “but you guys are all so much more than that. Like, I think we might be soulmates. If you believe in that kind of thing, of course.”
“Jacob,” Cupi mused. “We’re millennia-old succubi. Of course, we believe in that concept.”
“Most importantly,” Ira added, “we believe a single person can have multiple soulmates.”
“It also means we have no problem sharing you,” Liby purred.
“Demon thoughts on love certainly are strange,” I pondered, “but you’ll hear no complaints from me, that’s for sure!”
“Then there’s the Toddster.” Todd sighed. “Single and unloved.”
“Don’t be so hard on yourself, Todd,” Libidine comforted the imp. “You’ll find love someday. You just haven’t met the right person yet.”
“Those girls back at Tris and Gulas’ party seemed to like you.” Cupi nodded.
“Yeah, I guess.” Todd shrugged. “They were sexy and all, but my heart only belongs to one woman … ”
“The redhead in Kansas?” I asked as I glanced over the menu.
“The redhead in Kansas,” Todd confirmed. “Her love would lift me up to where we belong, bro.”
“You want to love her tender?” I chuckled.
“Oh, bro.” Todd sighed again. “When she asks ‘how deep is your love?’ I wanna have the perfect answer.”
“Why don’t you go back and talk to her?” Cupi interrupted the banter. “That diner in Kansas is only a day’s drive from our mansion.”
“I’m kinda in a pickle,” Todd explained and motioned to his human body. “I can’t just show up to her like this. I look like a drifter, and I can’t go to her with my super-sexy imp bod
. That’d be waaaayy too much too soon.”
“What?” I asked. “You think she’d be freaked out?”
“Oh, on the contrary,” Todd clarified. “I think there’d be too much ‘hunka hot imp’ for her to handle. And then there’s my schlong--”
“Why don’t we order?” Ira interrupted. “I don’t know about you guys, but I’m famished.”
I shot Todd a wink. “We’ll get you back out there eventually, buddy,” I promised, “but for now, let’s just focus on stuffing our faces.”
Todd smiled, gave me a heartfelt nod, and then directed his attention to the menu.
My friends and I studied the menu for a bit, and then a perky blonde waitress appeared at our table with a tray full of waters.
“Hi, guys!” She grinned. “Do you think you’re ready to order?”
“It’s a tough call,” I pondered aloud. “Do you recommend the ribeye steak or the swordfish?”
The waitress thought for a moment. “Marty’s is famous for our steaks, so I’d say that one. I’ve heard great things about the swordfish, though.”
“Screw it.” I shrugged. “I’ll take the ribeye. Medium, if you don’t mind.”
The waitress scribbled down my order and then turned to the rest of the group.
“I want a T-bone,” Ira said without missing a beat. “As rare as you can legally make it.”
“I second that.” Cupi nodded.
“Two steaks, still mooing,” the blonde server joked. “Got it. And for you two?”
“I want to try the pork chops,” Libidine explained. “I’ve never had those, but they sound delicious.”
Now it was Todd’s turn. “This might sound crazy,” the imp warned. “I want a medium rare steak, but chopped up into tiny pieces and then served over a fluffy mountain of mashed potatoes. With onions, mushrooms, and gravy, of course. Where I come from, we call it a ‘smothered slut.’”
“Nobody calls it that,” I reassured the waitress. “I think my friend here is trying to order sirloin tips.”
“Ahhh,” the blonde woman nodded, “makes sense. I’ll get that order in for you, and hopefully, it’ll be right out!”
The waitress flipped her hair and strutted back toward the doors of the main lobby.
“A smothered slut?” I leaned over to Todd.
The imp let out an “eh” sound. “That’s what I’ve always called it,” he said with a smirk. “Mostly because you’re basically talking dirty the entire time you’re eating it. It’s like your own personal flavor bitch.”
“Uh huh.” I quickly changed the subject. “So, what’s the plan for when we get back to Phoenix?”
Cupi shrugged. “Oliver and Jane are off doing cult stuff, right?” she asked, and when I confirmed with a nod, she continued, “and Sia is busy trying to bring the Velvet Lips back to its former glory. The way I see it, our team for this mission is sitting right here at this table.”
“We will need to find out where our sisters are holding this banger,” Ira added. “They left it fairly vague in their announcement.”
“That’s because they save the juicy details for social media,” Todd answered.
The imp fumbled around in the pockets of his torn-up jeans and produced his cell phone. He rapped at the screen for a moment and then held it out for all of us to see.
“Check it out,” he explained. “Tris and Gula--er, ‘Tristina and Gina’ have their own social media sites. I found them last night while I was looking for some whacking material.”
“How does that--” I began, but my words were cut off by Todd’s finger pressing over my lips.
“Don’t ask, bro,” Todd said softly. “Just savor the victory.”
Liby read the screen. “It says here they’re holding it at the ‘Rise Again Nightclub.’”
“I know that place.” I nodded. “It’s one of the hottest clubs in Phoenix right now. Azazel must be serious if he’s willing to foot the bill for that.”
“If Azazel is even footing the bill,” Ira added. “For all we know, Tris and Gula could be getting their funding from another demon lord. Maybe that’s why Aruna is after them?”
“No way.” Libidine shook her head. “Tris is way too lazy to turn against her master. That would require intricate planning and a whole lot of deception. The Sister of Sloth would never be up to all that.”
Todd let out a snicker and then nearly doubled over in laughter. “Please don’t call her that,” he begged through his wheezes. “That just makes me think she’s a giant hairy animal. In fact, remind me to learn Photoshop when we get back so I can create that monstrosity of an image and frame it.”
“So it looks like we’re headed to the Rise Again Nightclub.” I nodded. “Are you guys ready for demon party number two?”
“Electric Boogaloo,” Todd added, and his words made him laugh harder. Finally, the imp composed himself.
“I got some bad news for you, Jakey,” he explained as he wiped away a tear. “It says here the girls’ party is by invite only, and ‘unwanted parties will be turned away.’”
“That’s demon-speak for ‘I have demonic minions all over the place, and they’ll fuck up anyone who I don’t want there,’” Ira translated.
“Yikes,” Todd continued. “According to the RSVPs, it already looks like they’ve got a full house. Thousands of people are gonna be there. But that’s not even the best part! Check out the fine print here on the website. It’s fucking hilarious in the most twisted way possible.”
Todd put his fingers up to the screen of the phone and then made the display zoom. He had to do the motion three times to make the small print readable, but when it finally came into focus I saw exactly what he was talking about.
***Disclaimer: By attending this party, graciously paid for by the King of the Fourth Circle, all parties involved agree to relinquish their souls to their new master, Azazel. The sign-in sheet at the door is a legally binding contract created by the occult’s finest lawyers. By signing on the dotted line, you agree to give up your Earthly body and soul for use in activities such as (but not limited to): possession, mass sacrifice, ownership of first-born child, and demonic sexual endeavors.
“Whatever you do,” Todd warned, “don’t let me sign on the dotted line, bro. I really don’t wanna end up as Azazel’s fuck doll.”
“If there’s really that many people at the party, then going in guns-blazing is a no-go.” I sighed. “Especially with Ira here. The last thing we need is for the general public to see their potential representative murdering people with a morning star.”
“That’s a display of power in some countries,” Ira mused, “but you’re probably right.”
“It sounds like stealth is the best option, then,” Cupi jumped in. “How will we sneak into a place that well-guarded? Todd?”
“Que?” The imp looked up from his phone with confusion on his face.
“I was saying you could use your powers to sneak in,” the blonde succubus explained. “Maybe you could turn invisible or turn yourself into one of the other members of the Seventy-Two Servants?”
“No can do, my bodacious blonde.” Todd shook his head. “My imp powers don’t work that way.”
“What do you mean they don’t work that way?” I asked curiously. “They’re imp powers, don’t they just kinda … work?”
Todd held up two fingers. “Two things, bro. My powers don’t allow me to imitate demons physically. I can do shit like throw my voice to sound like them, but that’s about it.”
“What about Marvin Franklin?” Libidine added. “You copied his fingerprints.”
“He wasn’t a demon, remember?” I reminded the succubus. “He was just a really powerful cultist.”
“Thank the Lord!” Ira sighed. “If I had been ‘married’ to the real Forneus, I would have slit my wrists a long time ago. And not in a foreplay kinda way.”
“Uh--” The voice of our waitress interrupted the conversation. “Here’s your food,” she said awkwardly and then sat
Ira’s plate down in place.
“Oh, don’t worry, honey,” Ira promised to the mortified server. “I was only making a joke. Although you know what I say, never knock something until you try it.”
The waitress ignored the succubus’ words, but I could tell she was more than a little weirded out. The blonde woman came around to each of us, passed out our plates, and then crossed her arms jovially.
“Can I get you anything else?” she asked. “How does everything look?”
“It looks incredible,” I somehow responded through my watering mouth. “Like, really really incredible.”
“Excellent!” The waitress grinned over-enthusiastically. “Just let me know if you need anything else.”
Before I could say another word, our server spun around and zipped across the dining room of the restaurant.
“I can’t say I really blame her,” Cupi joked. “Sister Ira can be a little strange to those who don’t know her very well.”
Ira shot the blonde succubus a dirty look. “Of course you’d come to that woman’s defense,” she cooed. “You blondes gotta stick together. It’s better for your IQ.”
Todd nearly choked on his food at Ira’s words. “Holy fuck,” he mumbled through a mouthful of mashed potatoes. “That was cold.”
“Please!” Ira waved her hand nonchalantly. “Cupi knows I’m just busting her balls. I love all of my sisters, especially the blonde ones. They have more fun.”
“Let’s eat.” Liby took her fork, stabbed it into the pork chop, raised it to her mouth, and took a bite. The second it hit her mouth, the succubus nearly fell back into her chair.
“What is this thing?” she begged. “It’s so tender, and it tastes like it’s been slathered in smoke, sugar, and butter!”
“That’d be the barbeque sauce.” I chuckled. “It is a BBQ Pork Chop, after all.”
Liby chomped off another bit of the meat with her teeth. “But what is it?” she asked as she chewed. “Like, is it a rat or a chicken or--”
“It’s a pig,” I explained.
“Ohhhh,” Cupi nodded, “kinda like Chort.”
“Chort?” I asked as I began to cut at my tender steak.
“Chort is one of the lesser demons of Hell,” Cupi explained.