by Eric Vall
Ira cupped her hands together and held them up over her nose. “He has a big, flat, circular nose like this,” the succubus added, “and he’s got these giant ears. Much like the swine here on Earth Realm.”
“Chort’s not inherently evil, but he’s very mischievous when he interacts with humans,” Cupi continued. “He likes to trick them into selling their soul for his faux gold and making them perform devious acts on other humans. Simple, generally harmless things like that.”
“Harmless?” I mused. “Are we really so far down the rabbit hole that ‘selling your soul’ is considered harmless?”
“It’s better than the alternative of death or eternal damnation,” Ira countered.
“Fair enough,” I conceded, then cut off a piece of my steak. I took a moment to admire the morsel resting on my fork.
It was perfectly-seared with small black grill markings all across it. Small ripples of sleek fat ran along the outer edge of the cut, creating that marbling effect every butcher knows and loves. There were bits of herbs and spices pounded into the tender meat, remnants of what the menu assured was a three-hour marinade, and the entire thing was still sopping in its own juices.
If this thing tasted half as good as it looked, my taste buds were about to be in Heaven.
I placed the piece of meat into my mouth, and I instantly wanted another bite. Not only was the steak cooked to perfection, but the marinade and seasoning they used were out of this world. What felt like an entire shot of flavorful juices exploded into my mouth with each bite. I savored the herby, grilled goodness in my mouth for as long as I could, and then I swallowed it down my throat.
“You okay, Jakey?” Todd asked.
My mind jumped back to reality, and I saw all four of my friends were staring at me with concern in their eyes.
“I’m fine,” I explained. “But this steak is just … it’s beyond words.”
“Ahh.” Todd nodded. “It looks like Jakey just took the magnet train to Flavortown, that’s all. Happens to the best of us.”
I continued to gobble down the steak, and each bite added another morsel of bliss. Finally, I finished the entree and moved on to my side dishes.
First came the loaded baked potato. It was still steaming from its time in the oven, and it was stuffed to the gills with gooey cheddar cheese, chives, and bacon bits. Atop the stuffing sat a soft pillow of butter that melted by the second and ran down to cover each and every inch of the perfect spud. It must have been freshly broiled because the top of the cheesy-filled dish was still bubbling, even all this time later.
I cut into the potato and raised it to my mouth. As it lifted, the gooey cheese created strings of resistance, but nothing was going to stop me from getting this delicious morsel into my stomach. I took a bite of the piping-hot potato, and my mouth instantly filled with creamy, buttery ecstasy. I scarfed down the delicious mix of spud, cheeses, and chives in no time. Then, I sat back in my chair and patted my belly happily.
My friends’ must have been enjoying their meals as much as I was, because the entire table was silent as they focused their whole attention on the plates in front of them.
All that was left of Todd’s sirloin tips were a messy pile of mashed potato crumbs with a few stray onions and mushrooms laid off to the side. Todd himself was finishing off some of his green beans, and the crunch from the perfectly-cooked veggies could be heard from all the way over here. Gravy dibbled all down Todd’s goatee and onto the front of his black T-shirt, but the imp didn’t seem to mind.
It was all just an illusion, anyway.
Cupi was trying to finish off her own steak, and it looked like she was making short work of the cutlet. The blonde succubus held the steak with her fork as a single piece, and she tore at it with her teeth. Her actions caused drops of bloody juice from the ultra-rare steak to splatter all over the table.
“So,” Ira uttered through bites of her steak, “I’ve been thinking about what you were saying earlier, about how we need to be stealthier for this mission. I had a good relationship with Ose, the demon of secrets and insanity.”
“Sounds like a pleasant guy,” I mused.
“He really is,” the dark-haired succubus continued. “At least, as long as you’re on his side … which brings me to my next point. Ose was always more of a loner, and he’s kinda old school. He has no phone, no internet, no tablets … not even the archaic stuff like Raphael has. In short, he probably doesn’t know that I’ve turned yet.”
“Get to the point, Crazy Eyes,” Todd joked.
“Ose owns a little paranormal paraphernalia shop in Phoenix,” Ira continued. “If he doesn’t know I’ve turned--”
“Then he might be our ticket to getting into the party without being seen!” I finished the succubus’ sentence for her. “Do you think he could be our double agent?”
“As long as I get to him before Tris and Gula do, I believe so.” Ira smiled.
“And if they get to him first?” I asked.
“Then we’ll probably have to kill him,” the dark-haired succubus said with a grin. “We’d be back to square one, but it would be oh-so-satisfying to watch that little worm squirming under my stiletto heel.”
“Why would we be back to square one?” Todd interrupted from beside me. “Couldn’t we just ‘Weekend at Bernie’s’ the dude?”
“I’m not familiar with that battle technique,” Cupi noted with intrigue.
“It’s only one of the greatest battle techniques ever invented, my friend!” Todd continued. “It’s where you kill somebody and then prop up their body to pretend they’re still alive. Bonus points if you can imitate their voice like I can. We could kill Ose, Jakey and Lib could use their telekinesis to make him move, and I could be his voice. It’s a fool-proof plan!”
“Hopefully it won’t come to that,” I retorted and raised a finger into the air to ask for the check.
Our waitress saw me, nodded, and then hustled over with the paper in her hand. I pulled out a bundle of bills from my pocket and tossed a few twenties down onto the little plastic tray.
“Keep the change,” I told the waitress.
“Thank you so much!” She grinned as she counted her tip. “Have a great day, guys!”
The server walked away, and I instantly turned the conversation back to demon slaying business.
“How sure are you Ose is still around?” I asked Ira.
The succubus took her final bite of steak, patted her mouth clean with a napkin, and then sat her utensils delicately back onto the table.
“One-hundred percent sure,” she said with a nod of utter confidence. “Marvin and I held a fundraiser at his shop just a few weeks before we did the one at your mansion.”
“I hope you’re right.” I stood up from the table. “Come on, guys, we have a demon to catch.”
Chapter 16
“Is it bad that I kinda want this whole thing to go south?” The now-impish Todd pondered from the passenger seat. “I’ve always wanted to do a recreation of Weekend at Bernie’s, but I’ve never been cruel enough to try it with a real dead guy.”
“As your roommate, I appreciate that.” I chuckled and then looked back at the succubi. “So, are we going straight to Ose’s? Or should we stop by the mansion first?”
“The mansion,” Libidine responded instantly. “I could do with a fresh change of clothes, especially if we’re really going out tonight.”
“We’re just fighting a demon and trying to stop your sisters,” I explained. “Do we really need new clothes to--”
“I agree with Libidine,” Ira interrupted. “In the last twenty-four hours, this outfit has gone through a high-speed chase, a battle with zombies, and a greasy steak dinner. It’s done its duty for the day.”
“Yeah, bro,” Todd agreed. “I need a fresh set of clothes, too. I left all my good weed in my other pants.”
“You don’t wear pants,” I reminded the imp.
Todd took a puff from his joint and then began to pat at his lower
body. Then, he slowly looked over at me with a wide-eyed look of surprise on his face. “Then why do I have pockets?” He asked in horror before he looked up toward the sky dramatically. “What the fuck am I?”
“Don’t think too hard about it,” Cupi snorted. “Demon anatomy makes far less sense the more you think about it.”
“Exactly,” Ira continued. “For example, are our wings inside our body, or are they simply invisible until we want them to appear? Or, are they not attached at all, and simply manifest when we summon them with Hellfire magic?”
Todd rapped on his chin for a moment and stared at the ground. He took another puff of his joint, rested his right arm on the cup holder of Shadow’s interior, and sighed.
“I just … I dunno anymore,” he said through a spaced-out look.
“Uh-oh,” I observed. “We just gave Todd an existential crisis.”
The imp was completely silent as he continued to stare out into the desert landscape.
“Uh…” I pondered my next words carefully. “Hey, buddy. How hilarious will it be if we do end up pulling a Weekend at Bernie’s on this guy? He’s a fortune teller, so maybe he has a funny voice you could imitate?”
“He does have a Slavic accent,” Ira confirmed.
“See?” I slapped the imp on the shoulder playfully. “You might be able to do your best Zoltar impression!”
“I have always wanted to imitate a fortune teller,” Todd said as he began to perk up. “I could be my very own Madame Tussauds.”
I didn’t have the heart to tell him Madame Tussauds was a wax museum, not a real person. “That’s the spirit, Toddster,” I continued as I tried to bring up his spirits. “Tell you what, when this is all said and done, maybe we can go to that place you’ve always wanted to go.”
“Amsterdam?” Todd asked hopefully.
“Uh, not that one,” I responded.
“Disneyland?”
“Not that one, either.” I sighed. “Think more within our budget.”
“The pizza place down the street?” Todd tried again.
“No, no,” I laughed. “Not quite that cheap. Think movie related.”
“No…?” Todd gasped.
“Yep!”
“You wouldn’t…?”
“I would.” I nodded happily. “Vasquez Rocks. It’s only a few hours drive from our home.”
Todd let out a squeal of glee and began to hop up and down. “The place where Captain Kirk fought the motherfucking Gorn? The place where Bill and Ted met the Grim Reaper? The rocks that were on the cover of the Village Peoples’ breakout album? Sign me the fuck up!”
“I knew that’d cheer you up.” I chuckled at his excitement.
“These rocks sound like they’re of much importance to your Earth culture,” Cupi said from the back. “Is this like some sort of holy pilgrimage?”
“For Todd, it certainly is,” I replied.
“Bill and Ted are legends,” Todd added. “I’ve always wanted to recreate their adventures, but that would require a time machine. There aren’t any demons who can time travel, are there?”
“Unfortunately not,” Ira answered. “Even with all the complexities and varieties of Hellfire magic out there, time travel is waaayy too complicated for the Demonic.”
“What about the Divine?” I asked. “Isn’t the big guy upstairs supposed to exist on some sort of different astral plane where he’s everywhere at any point in time at once?”
“Allegedly,” Ira confirmed, “but the Exalted One is on another level than even Lucifer himself. None of us have ever set eyes upon him.”
“Not even the fallen angel back there?” Todd questioned Cupi.
The blonde succubus shook her head. “Only the Archangels are allowed into the Chambers of the Holy,” she explained. “Even then, I don’t think they have all met the Exalted One face-to-face. Only the major players like Michael or Gabriel.”
“So many rules,” Libidine gagged. “That’s why, in some ways, I’m happy I was on the side of the Demonic. They’re much crueler and more evil, but they’re also so much more fun.”
“Minus the torture and oppression,” Todd added with a snicker.
“What are you talking about?” Ira answered coyly. “That was an added bonus.”
“But now,” Cupi interrupted, “we get the best of both worlds. With Jacob, we can still do all the fun stuff demons are allowed to do, but without any fear of what our asshole of a master will do to us.”
“Oh yes,” Ira purred. “It took me some time to come around, but I much prefer Jacob to any of our old masters. He’s so much more kind and caring. Plus, his dick is like a warhammer. I could barely fit it into my mouth last night, and that’s never happened before.”
“Here comes the queasiness,” Todd said as he grabbed his stomach.
“I’m glad you’re having a good time.” I winked at Ira through the rearview mirror. “I enjoyed myself, too.”
“It certainly sounded like it!” Ira giggled. “You ran me so hard, I think you may have given me bruises.”
“I’m sorry,” I started to apologize. “I--”
“It’s all part of the game, sweetie,” Ira playfully explained. “I love it.”
Todd made another gagging sound and tossed his hand over his mouth. “Bro,” he heaved, “I really enjoyed my steak. Please don’t make it part of Shadow’s interior.”
“Alright.” I rolled my eyes at the imp’s words. “We can ease up on the sex talk for now.”
“Hell,” Ira added, “I don’t need to talk about it at all. It’s all saved right up here in my noggin. Plus, I have plenty of mementos of last night all over my body.”
Todd dry-heaved at the succubus’s words, took a gulp, and then looked over at me again. “Ew,” he gagged. “They say it tastes better going down the second time, but that is not true at all.”
“Nobody says that,” I argued. “Nobody would ever say that.”
We continued down the interstate for another hour or so, and then we finally reached the exit for our quaint Phoenix suburb. Or, at least, as quaint as a suburb full of million-dollar mansions could be. Within minutes, we pulled into the driveway of the former Quinn Mansion, and I killed the ignition.
Instead of messing with all of the logistics of exiting a banged-up Jeep, I just quickly cast a wave of emerald fire around all of us.
My body was on pins and needles for a second, and then the next thing I knew I felt the familiar cushion of our couch underneath my ass.
The five of us were safely back in our living room. Todd and I were on the couch, and the succubi were scattered across the remaining chairs in the main area in front of the TV.
“Teleportation’s always such a trip,” Todd mused. “I really wish I knew how to do it myself. It’d save me soooo much money on weed.”
“I don’t think it’s quite as strong as your Moose Tranquilizer,” I joked. “That stuff looked like it packed quite the wallop.”
“Bro, that’s not even my good stuff,” the imp explained. “Canadian Moose Tranquilizer ain’t got nothing on a strain like Bullcock or Granny Delicious or Wicked Witch Pubes. That shit’ll put you under for days.”
“Don’t you mean ‘Red Delicious?’ or ‘Granny Smith?’” I cringed as I asked.
The imp shook his head and grinned. “Nope,” he answered. “I mean Granny Delicious. It’s probably the best-tasting thing on this whole damn planet.”
“Is it made from real grannies?” Libidine asked from the chair across from us.
“Of course not!” Todd sounded horrified.
“It’s just a codename,” I explained to the curvy woman. “Like when he calls Sia ‘Strawberry Shortcake’ or when he calls Cupi ‘Bodacious Blonde.’”
“Good!” Liby nodded. “Cannibalism is never acceptable, even in the eyes of the Demonic.”
“That’s where you guys draw the line?” I couldn’t help but laugh at the thought. “Murder, sex, and world domination are okay, but cannibalism isn’t?�
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“We don’t make the rules.” Libidine shrugged. “We’re only lowly succubi, here to follow them.”
“It’s seen as sacrilege for both the Divine and the Demonic,” Cupi explained. “We’re metaphysical beings. Eating our own kind is seen as the ultimate insult to our creators.”
“Kinda like the Haka Dance,” Todd mused.
“I’m not familiar with that one,” Ira pondered. “Is that some sort of new craze all the young people are doing? If so, I might want to consider adapting it for my campaign … ”
Todd clicked his tongue. “Oh no,” he clarified, “this is much more badass than any of those. It’s a traditional dance done by Maori Warriors before they went into battle. There’s a part where they basically tell their enemy they’re gonna kill them, eat ‘em, and then use their bones to make weapons. It’s metal as fuck. Check it out.”
“The meaning of the dance is still up for debate--” I started to argue, but Todd cut me off with a weak roar.
The little imp jumped to his feet on the couch and began to do the dance. His beady eyes nearly protruded out of his skull as he pounded his hands against his chest, jutted out his tongue, and stomped his hooves on the couch forcefully.
“Come on, bro.” I sighed as his hooves left indentations in the fabric. “We just bought this thing.”
Todd concluded his dance, and then he did a graceful bow as the succubi all cheered.
“That was intense,” Cupi mused. “I want to learn the dance.”
“Me too!” Ira exclaimed. “My dom half would be all for it. Maybe I could use it to intimidate my opponents in the debate.”
I immediately stood up, waving my hands and shaking my head. “Nope,” I explained. “Nopenopenope. That would be political suicide.”
Ira looked at me, confused. “Why not?” she protested. “I’ve seen plenty of other politicians gettin’ their groove on when they go on talk shows!”
“Are you from New Zealand?” I asked with a raised eyebrow.
“Of course not,” the succubus retorted. “I’m from the Fourth Circle.”
“Exactly,” I continued. “Just…just trust me on this one, okay?”