by Eric Vall
“This one-piece was starting to get on my nerves, anyway,” she shrugged. “I’m wasn’t even sure how I was supposed to take it off.”
“Jacob was supposed to rip it off with his teeth,” Ira explained. “Right before he filled you with his--”
“Can we get on with this?” Todd pretended to look at an invisible watch on his wrist. “We don’t have all day.”
“What, you don’t want to hear about all the ways Jacob’s massive cock--”
“Imma stop you right there, Crazy Eyes.” Todd held up a hand. “We imps don’t like to kiss and tell. We’re way classier that way.”
“Really?” Ira questioned. “Alban, the imp who pretended to be my son, always talked about his sexual adventures. In fact, he explained them in such detail it made me somewhat queasy. And that, you should know, is no small accomplishment.”
“Todd just gets uncomfortable thinking about his close friends making love,” Libidine explained. “Cupi and I have tried to tone down our comments, for his sake.”
“And you have no idea how much I appreciate that, Lib,” Todd shuddered. “You really don’t.”
Cupiditas stepped up to Ira and held out her hand. The dark-haired succubus returned the open book into the fallen angel’s possession with a smile and then stepped back.
Instantly, Cupi began to chant in Latin. She was speaking far too fast for me to make out every single word, but I could vaguely tell she was asking “The Exalted One” for something along the lines of “guidance in the direction of our enemies.” As she spoke, the magic circle on the ground began to shimmer with a dull purple glow.
Cupi glanced over at the rest of the group and motioned for us to join in.
The other two succubi were able to join the blonde’s words without missing a beat, but Todd and I were not so lucky.
For a minute or two, the chants that echoed through the alleyway sounded like a total word-salad. Then, after two or three more times through the incantation, the voices of Todd and I joined the succubi’s in unison.
The second our five voices joined as one, the glowing circle grew more vibrant. Its violet shimmer illuminated the entirety of the dark alley, and I worried for a moment it might give us away. Then, as quickly as it had begun, the light of the circle went dark.
“Fuck,” I sighed. “It didn’t work.”
“Patience,” Cupi promised. “This is perfectly normal. See?”
The blonde succubus pointed to the bloodied fabric as it was engulfed with purple Hellfire. The torn piece of the romper radiated violet light as it lifted into the sky and hovered there as if suspended by an invisible wire.
“There you have it,” Cupi bragged and slammed the book shut. “If we’re correct, this should lead us right to the Cult of Beelzebub.”
“You heard the woman,” I ordered. “Everybody in the car. We’ve got two succubi to save.”
Chapter 21
“Traveling with a demonic GPS,” I mused as we sped down the road. “I don’t know about you guys, but this is definitely a first for me.”
“I’ve done tracking spells before,” Cupi admitted, “but they were never quite like this.”
The piece of glowing fabric was floating in the air directly in front of our vehicle, dead-set on finding its target. The only issue was that it was speeding through the night like a bullet train, and we had to push our Maserati to the limits just to keep up. We whipped around a turn, and for a split second, I swore I felt the vehicle go up on two wheels.
“This is so awesome!” Todd exclaimed from Ira’s lap. “I feel like a super-spy, driving through the city at breakneck speeds late at night, off to save two damsels in distress. All I’m missing is my tuxedo.”
“It looks like we’re headed toward the headquarters of the Servi Domini Nostri and the Pearly Gates,” Ira said as she studied a map on her screen.
“Of course the one with the Latin name is a finalist,” I mused.
“Nothing good ever comes from Latin shit, bro.” Todd sighed.
“Other than all the romance languages,” I argued sarcastically. “You know. Italian, French, Spanish. Just all those.”
“Not to mention the entirety of Western Civilization as we know it,” Libidine added.
“Pfffft,” Todd scoffed. “I’ve got my own romance language. It’s called the slow smooth jams of Marvin Gaye. That shit drives the ladies crazy.”
“Fair enough.” I shrugged and whipped around another corner.
“We need to be prepared,” Cupi muttered from the backseat of the vehicle. “There’s only one demon I know who has the ability to drain another’s abilities. Ukobach.”
“Gesundheit?” Todd half-asked, half-consoled.
“No, Todd,” Cupi said with a chuckle. “Ukobach. He’s the demon who collects the blood of the damned and brings it back down to Hell to act as a fuel source. When he drains the blood from his victims, he also temporarily inherits their energy.”
“Of course,” Ira added, “the fact that Lucifer banned power transfers between demons made him practically useless. He’s kind of a joke in the demonic community.”
“If Beelzebub has really decided to go rogue and disobey his master, it makes perfect sense for Ukobach to join him,” Cupi continued. “Suddenly, the power he was forbidden from using for all these millennia makes him a wanted demon. With the way demonic egos work, I’m sure the Lord of the Flies didn’t even have to ask twice.”
“Do we need to be worried about this guy swiping our abilities?” I asked cautiously.
“Only if he gets to your neck,” Cupi warned. “He drains the blood of his victims through the arteries on their neck with his teeth.”
“So, he’s basically a demonic vampire?” I asked.
“Sure.” The blonde shrugged. “He isn’t allergic to sunlight or garlic or anything like that, but yes.”
“What makes no sense to me is why Lucifer would forbid power drains between demons,” I thought aloud. “He’s the Lord of the Underworld. Why would he care if his demons try to fuck each other over?”
“I can answer that one!” Libidine perked up from the backseat. “It’s because he doesn’t want any of his minions to become stronger than himself. Somebody like Ukobach with the help of a higher-level demon lord could become the most powerful force in the universe.”
“So far, Lucifer has been able to keep his minions in line,” Ira mentioned, “but lately, it’s felt like all the traditions that have kept the world order for the last millennium are getting thrown out the window. It almost makes me think that--wait, there it is!”
The enchanted piece of fabric had finally stopped soaring through the night sky, and now it hung in the air and floated in front of its destination.
From the structure of the building, I could tell the place used to be a church of some sort. There was a changeable-letter sign out in front and a large steeple-like structure at the building’s highest point.
“Well that’s fucking ironic,” I mused as we pulled into the parking lot of the converted headquarters.
On the sign read a simple sentence, Pearly Gates Charity Meeting- 10 pm.
“Looks like we have a winner,” Todd mused as we exited the vehicle. “I shoulda known. ‘Pearly Gates’ sounds waaay more like a cult than anything else on that list. I wonder if they’ve got complementary Kool-Aide?”
“Bro,” I said as I shot the imp a shocked glare, “totally not cool. I’m all for dark humor, but sheesh.”
“Fine, fine, I’ll try to keep my dark jokes to a minimum,” the imp promised. “Or at least, I’ll try to make them a little grayer.”
“These guys have some nerve,” Ira scoffed. “Holding a demonic ritual in the middle of a former church and basically broadcasting it to everyone who drives by. I wish I’d thought of it.”
“How many of them ended up snatching the succubi?” I asked Todd and Libidine.
The dark-haired succubus shook her head. “It was chaos when they attacked. I couldn’t get
an exact count, but I know the four of us were pretty heavily outnumbered.”
“So somewhere between a boy band and an army,” I confirmed. “Works for me.”
“What’s the plan?” Cupi chimed into the conversation. “Even if there’s only a handful of them, we can’t just go charging in guns blazing. They’ll kill Tris and Gula if we do that.”
“Then we need a distraction.” I nodded and then turned to the imp. “Todd, you feeling up to the challenge?”
“Bro,” the imp chuckled, “the Toddster is always down for a hairbrained scheme.”
“It’s not even gonna be that complicated,” I explained. “We just need you to go in there and pretend to be somebody who wants to join their ‘club.’ Basically, play the ‘clueless civilian’ card. In the meantime, we’ll try and free Tris and Gula.”
“Got it,” Todd agreed. “One fleshbaggy disguise, coming right up!”
Todd cracked his knuckles in anticipation, stretched his arms out above his head, and then his skin began to bubble. The imp’s arms and legs stretched out as his skin faded into a peachy cream color. Todd’s torso widened, and his signature potbelly was sucked inward to create a more slim and toned figure. His sharp, devil-like features shrunk to become more rounded and less threatening. Finally, Todd’s jet-black horns flattened, changed texture, and spread across his head to make dark locks. Standing in front of us was a youngish-looking man with slicked-back hair, wearing a black leather jacket.
“I totally look like the Fonz, bro.” Todd snickered and shot me finger guns. “Ayyyyy.”
I couldn’t help but grin at the imp’s enthusiasm. “Lookin’ good, Todd. Now get in there and whip us up a distraction. They’re probably hiding out in the basement.”
“If only I had a jukebox to punch … ” the imp pondered as he opened the front doors and strutted inside.
“Follow me,” I commanded the succubi. “There’s got to be a back door we can use. We’ll wait for Todd to distract the cultists and the demon, and then we’ll sneak in and set your sisters free.”
We slunk back behind the yellowish-brown brick building, toward the entrance in the rear. The double glass doors were locked, but it was gonna take a lot more than that to keep out Jacob Ralston.
I closed my eyes, cast a quick spell of emerald over the succubi and me, and teleported us inside.
The interior of the former church was laid out much like you’d expect of a local community center. These particular doors led us directly into the open stairwell of the building, and we were greeted with pale, cinder block walls. The level above us had a small landing with several doors that looked like they were about to fall off their hinges. Meanwhile, below us stood a singular, worn-out fire door with a small window. Like a beacon in the night, a dull light shone through the window and indicated one of the rooms on the other side was occupied.
That would be our cultists.
“I’m surprised they didn’t put a countercurse on this place,” Cupi whispered.
“They probably thought we wouldn’t find them,” I explained, “and I’m sure they didn’t expect Aruna to give up info like she did.”
“It’s always foolish to put your faith in a Rakshasa,” Cupi added. “No matter how trustworthy they might seem, and no matter how pretty you think they are. In the end, they are mercenaries with loyalty only to themselves.” The blonde succubus shot me a knowing glare and eagerly awaited my response.
“What?” I asked, and I could feel the blood rushing to my face. “You’re the one who said it, not me.”
“Mhmm,” Ira cooed. “It’s okay, I think she’s sexy as fuck too. I wonder if she’s willing to take payment for other services. My sub half would simply adore her. There’d be so much blood and bruising and scarring, it’d be like heaven!”
“I’m gonna just ignore that,” I muttered and motioned for the succubi to follow.
We approached the tiny window on the door, and I peered through stealthily.
On the other side, I could see quite the commotion. Todd stood at the far side of the room with his hands in the air and his mouth running a mile a minute. At the same time, I counted twenty-six cultists who all stood facing the imp. They hadn’t tried to attack Todd yet, but I could tell they were super tense. All the way in the back of the crowd, purposefully hidden from Todd’s view, I saw Gula and Tris bound together by some sort of glowing purple chain.
“There they are,” I announced quietly. “How do we break that spell?”
“We have to kill the person who cast it,” Cupi whispered as she pointed through the window. “You see that guy in the back there? The one with the glowing purple hand he’s holding behind his back? That’s our guy.”
“So, what you’re saying is we need to do a stealth kill?” I asked.
A sly grin spread up Cupiditas’ face. “I thought you’d never ask.”
“Ohhh, oohhh!” Ira could barely muffle her excitement. “How are we gonna do it? Want me to give him the ol’ gag-n-stab? Or maybe I could use my acid Hellfire to burn his vocal cords so he can’t scream?”
“I was thinking something a little more subtle,” I explained. “Liby, I’m going to need your help.”
“How can I be of assistance?” the succubus questioned.
“Here’s the skinny,” I explained. “I’m going to use my green hellfire to snap his neck. Then, I need you to catch his body before it hits the ground. After that, we can sneak in there, and Ira can melt the metal chain with her powers. Got it?”
Libidine nodded and summoned jade flames into her hands. I did the same, and then I readied my enchanted fists.
The man was a magic user, so he could see the green Hellfire unlike most mortals. He was going to know what was going on the moment I cast my spell, and I would only have a split second to take him out before he could sound the alarm.
I took a deep breath, nodded to Libidine, and then concentrated.
My spell engulfed the man’s head instantly, and his hand made the slightest twitching motion. Before anything else could happen, I twisted my hands, and the cultist’s head followed suit.
The man’s head twisted back almost one-hundred and eighty degrees, and then another corona of green fire engulfed his body. Slowly, Libidine’s conjured flames dragged the corpse of the cultist through the air, back toward our position. I gently opened the door, and the body passed through.
Libidine sat the corpse down onto the floor, and then we snuck into the main room.
“Come on, guys,” Todd was trying to explain. “I just want to join the Pearly Gates. I’ve got so many ideas for all the great shit we could do around this community. I--”
“We’re a closed group, Fonzarelli!” one of the cultists heckled. “We ain’t accepting new members.”
“Hear me out,” Todd continued. “What does every charitable organization need? That’s right, matching letterman jackets! I know a guy who can set us up with some sweet new threads, on the house!”
Todd continued to bullshit, and the cultists continued to heckle. I could tell by their voices they were about to turn on the imp any second now.
We needed to move.
The succubi and I snuck over to Tris and Gula, and then Liby and Cupi removed the bags that were over their heads. Tris’ eyes went wide with shock, and her mouth fell agape. Before she could say anything, Cupi clapped her hand over the succubus's mouth and made a “shhh” signal. At the same time, both of Ira’s hands lit up with turquoise fire, and she grabbed the chain that was wrapped around the succubi’s torsos. The chain sizzled as its metal links were dissolved, and then the metal bonds fell away, right into Cupi and Libidine’s hands.
I looked up at Todd and gave him a thumbs up.
“You know what?” Todd threw up his hands in defeat. “I’m too cool for your little club anyways. If you’re not gonna let me in, I’m just gonna go make my own, and we’re all gonna have matching jackets and use the same brand of hair gel.”
“No, the fuck you aren
’t,” a voice from the crowd hissed. “This asshole has seen too much. Kill him!”
As if on cue, a barrage of multicolored Hellfire shot directly at the imp. Todd closed his eyes and cringed, prepared to enter a world of pain.
Thankfully for my friend, I was quick on the draw. I threw up a massive wall of purple flames in front of Todd, and the spells ricocheted off harmlessly.
“Well, well, well,” the nasal voice continued. “It looks like we’ve got company, boys. Check your six!”
The cultists turned around, and tension filled the air. I summoned Hellfire into my other hand and prepared for battle. From my peripheral vision, I could see all five of the succubi had done the same.
“Now, now,” the voice continued. “There’s no reason we can’t be civil.”
The small sea of cultists parted, and a small creature emerged. This demon was short, probably no taller than five feet, and had pale, grayish skin. Despite his small stature, he was very lanky and slender. His head was too large for his body, and upon his face sat a massive nose and two bushy black eyebrows. The demon’s ears were just as comically large as his snout and bulging eyes, and his entire face almost reminded me of a goblin. In his hands, the demon held a small, curved bar of iron that looked like a fire poker.
“Civil?” I nodded cautiously. “Right. You must be Ukobach.”
“In the flesh.” The demon sighed. “Look, Ralston, we can do this one of two ways. You and your friends can walk away, and all will be forgiven, or you can stay, and we’ll kill you all.”
“Tough words coming from a demon that looks like a bobblehead,” I growled. “I’m not letting you kill Tris and Gula.”
“When will you mortals learn?” Ukobach said as he shook his head sadly. “I’m going to drain those two succubi of their power one way or another. In fact, adding five more deliciously powerful casualties to this endeavor would please my master greatly. He’d become more powerful than Azazel could ever imagine!”