This Is Love (The Light to My Darkness Book 3)

by Ivy Smoak

  “Sure.” I tried for it to not come out as a question, but I couldn’t help it. In a way, I did understand what he said. Introducing yourself with your beard tucked into your shirt would be a ridiculous thing to do. But at the same time, ever doing it in the first place was probably more ridiculous. Tucked beard really shouldn’t be a phrase ever used by anyone.

  “Let’s just finish this up.” He attached the last few wires and turned on the machine beside him. He watched it for a few seconds before turning back to me. “Can you take a few deep, slow breaths for me?”

  I closed my eyes and inhaled slowly before exhaling. For some reason, it caused me to yawn.

  “Keep doing that for me.”

  “What? Yawning?”

  “No, silly.” He patted my shoulder like he had been patting the exam table a few minutes ago “The deep breathing. Try to relax.”

  Relax? Yeah right. How was I supposed to relax when I was more worried about Liam and Penny’s health than my own? I hadn’t even agreed to this test. I had come here for Liam. And Penny should have been on this table instead of me. I wanted to know how her heart murmur was.

  “Hmmm. Well. Okay then.” He switched off the machine and started pulling off the stickers.

  The words that had just come out of his mouth weren’t at all comforting. But before I could ask him a question, he started talking again.

  “Does that hurt?” He pulled another sticker off a little faster. “I never remember whether I should go slow or fast.”

  “It doesn’t hurt.”

  “Fast it is then.” He pulled off the rest of the stickers.

  “So…how were the results?” I asked.

  “Fine. Not great, but fine. Your heart is functioning normally which is good. But I might have been wrong about your brain.”

  “Excuse me?”

  He tapped the side of my head. “I told you to take a few deep breaths. And you only gave me one medium breath. I should have taken your vitals before I wasted my time with a fast-breathing EKG.” He wiped his stethoscope off on the front of his plaid shirt again and then pressed the dirty thing to my chest.

  “I was taking deep breaths.”

  “No, you were most certainly not. Try it again for me.”

  I breathed in slow and exhaled even slower. Then another. And another.

  “Medium. Medium. Medium.” He looked so disappointed in me. “Are you stressed out about something?”

  “Of course I’m stressed out.” I swiped his stethoscope away from me. “My wife was in a coma for weeks and then didn’t remember me when she woke up. My son was born too early and can’t breathe without all these machines attached to him. We don’t even know if we’ll ever be able to bring him home.”

  “And your heart. You're worried about your heart.”

  “And my wife’s heart.”

  “Oh, why didn’t you say so? I can tell you whether or not you need to worry about that. Penny, dear. Come over here too, will you?” He fiddled with his pager as Penny joined us at the exam table. She didn’t look weirded out at all by Dr. Young’s tucked beard or enthusiastic table patting. She sat down next to me and whispered in my ear while Dr. Young was still playing with his pager. “Medium breaths, huh?”

  “Medium breaths aren’t a thing.”

  “James, you need to relax," she said. "Remember when I almost lost you before? That doctor warned you about your stress levels.”

  “I can’t get this thing to work.” Dr. Young tossed the pager down onto the floor. “Excuse me real quick.” He walked out of the room without looking at either of us. Before the door swung closed, he yelled, “I need Penny Hunter’s medical records!”

  I laughed. “You want me to relax around that psychopath? Seriously, where did you find this guy?”

  “He’s the best of the best. And the best sometimes means…eccentric. Besides, what does it matter how he looks? He knows what he’s doing.”

  “Are you sure about that?”

  “Positive. He knew you were stressed out.”

  “Anyone can tell that I’m stressed out. Penny, I’ve been going through all of this on my own and I didn’t have time to think about myself when…”

  “You’re not alone anymore. I’m right here. You do this thing where you carry the weight of the world on your shoulders. But I’m right here. I can carry some of it for you.”

  I smiled down at her. “I know. It’s easier now that you’re you again. But I just…how am I supposed to relax at a time like this? Any minute now Dr. Hughes will be available to discuss Liam’s future. It’s all I can think about. And you. You brought me here to focus on my health and I’m way more concerned about yours.”

  She shook her head. “You’re worried about me? James, you don’t have to worry about me. I’m fine. Please, please stop worrying about me.” She placed her hand on my chest. “I need you to think about yourself for once. I need your heart to keep beating. I can’t lose you. I just got you back.” She shook her head. “I mean, I know I already had you…but I wasn’t myself and…”

  “I know. I get it.” I grabbed her hand and held it in mine. “So what do you suggest I do to relax?”

  “Pretend we’re at the beach.” She smiled at me hopefully.

  I laughed. “The beach, huh?”

  “Yeah. Pretend we’re at the beach with Liam and Scarlett. And everyone else too. Rob, Daphne, and Soph. Mason and Bee, Melissa and Josh, Tyler and Hails, and Matt. Jen and Ian and our parents.”

  “I can’t imagine my mother on a family vacation.”

  “Yup, she’s there too. Smiling and laughing. Everyone’s happy and healthy.”

  I took a deep breath. “That does sound nice. Maybe we can plan a vacation soon.”

  “Sooner rather than later.” She rested her head on my shoulder. “What am I going to do with you?”

  I ran my hand up and down her back. “I’ll try harder to relax.”

  “Having to try hard to relax sounds unrelaxing.”

  I took a deep breath, concentrating on going slowly. “I don’t know…maybe I’ll take up meditation.”

  “And yoga.”

  “And yoga? Now you’re just being greedy, woman.”

  She laughed. “We can do it together. I’ve always thought you’d look amazing in a pair of spandex shorts.”

  “Naked yoga sounds more appealing to me.”

  She laughed again, and I realized that was the sound that relaxed me the most. Of anything in the world, her laughter calmed me best. I took a slower breath this time. “Your laughter relaxes me.”

  She immediately sat up straighter and stared at me. “I’ve been stressed out. All of this…” she shook her head. “I was so focused on myself and being scared of you and what we had. I made all of this worse. And even before the accident I wasn’t really myself. I was worried about the baby and my heart. I was so consumed with my own thoughts and fears that I didn’t realize the effect that my reactions had on you…”

  “That wasn’t what I was saying.” I squeezed her hand. “I just meant that I love seeing you smile and laugh. I want to hear your laughter more often from here on out, that’s all. This has been stressful for everyone. It’s no one's fault. Well, I guess technically it is. And Dr. Nelson is going to pay for his crimes. But it’s certainly not your fault.”

  “I could have made it easier.”

  “You didn’t know who I was. Penny.” I grabbed the bottom of her chin and tilted her head toward mine. “Beating yourself up about what happened is the last thing in the world I want. I just want us to go back to the way things were. When we were both so happy that it seemed like we were in this impenetrable bubble.”

  Dr. Young cleared his throat from behind us.

  Penny’s chin dropped from my hand when she pulled away from me.

  “I have all the records right here!” the doctor said. “Sorry it took me so long. All the nurses here are very unresponsive to doctors’ requests.”

  I didn’t have the heart
to tell him it was because no one in their right mind would believe he was a doctor.

  “And faxing is one of the greatest inventions of all time, but I do wish there was something a little faster, don’t you?”

  I just stared at him. Had he never heard of the internet?

  “So let’s see…Penny, Penny, Penny.” He flipped through the pages in the file. “Your heart isn’t of concern at all. There is just a teensy tiny murmur.” He walked back and forth while he looked at the pages. “One of your valve leaks, and it may have been slightly worse when you were pregnant, but it should be back to normal now. Let’s have a look-see.” He pulled out his stethoscope and pressed it against her chest. “Take a deep breath for me.”

  Penny followed his instructions.

  “Your wife knows how to breathe properly,” he said and stuffed his stethoscope back in his pocket. “I could barely even hear the tiny little squeak the murmur makes. This is nothing to worry about, James.”

  “See,” Penny said with a smile. “You don’t have to worry about me.”

  “There are tons of people out there that have the same size murmur and will never know. You need a special ear to hear the squeak.” He pointed to his own ear. “I hear squeaks all the time. Even in my sleep. But I have mice in my house.” He laughed at his own joke. “But people with this size murmur don’t have to worry what-so-ever. It’s a nothing cardiovascular problem. It’s what we in the biz call a nada cardio issue. I mean, you even went through a major surgery and nothing happened with your heart.” He glanced down at the pages. “A bilateral oophorectomy. It’s been a while since I’ve been in medical school, but unilateral definitely means one. Bilateral would be two. So…” he shook his head back and forth as he thought. “You had both ovaries and both fallopian tubes removed.”

  I had wanted to get a second opinion on her bilateral oophorectomy. She had only heard it from some random doctor that didn’t know her records. How could he possibly know without opening her up? I kept thinking that to myself over and over. But here it was. Dr. Young had her records and he was confirming it.

  “And I’m fine,” Penny said. “See…there’s nothing to worry about, James.”

  We locked eyes for just a moment. And I knew she had been holding out hope too. That maybe, just maybe that other doctor had been wrong.

  “Maybe James’ heart will beat a little slower if you’re not in the room, Penny. Nothing like a young wife to get the mister’s heart racing.”

  I wanted to punch him in the face.

  “Yeah.” Penny dropped her gaze from mine. “I’m going to go visit Liam while you two finish up, okay? Think of the beach.” She squeezed my hand before hopping off the exam table.

  I watched her duck out of the room as quickly as possible. And I hoped that telling her I loved her laughter didn’t mean she felt like she couldn’t cry around me. I knew she wanted more kids. Hell, if I was being honest with myself, I wanted more kids. But that wasn’t going to happen for us.

  “Deep breaths this time, okay?” Dr. Young said as he pulled his stethoscope back out.

  But my mind was far away.

  Chapter 17

  Wednesday - Penny

  I rushed out of the room before James could see me cry. He had just told me that my laughter was what reduced his stress. Yet, here I was.

  I was trying to be strong. But my husband’s heart was failing. My baby boy couldn’t even breathe without being attached to all those machines. And the future I wanted had just disappeared. Really. There were no more ifs, ands, or buts about it. No more children. It was a fact now instead of just a…I shook away the thought. It had always been a fact. I had just let myself believe for no reason at all. I was so filled with hope for James and Liam that I let a little of that hope creep into my own situation as well.

  My feet stopped moving and I leaned against the wall in some random hallway of the hospital. I couldn’t go see Liam like this. I was trying so hard to hold it together and then one ounce of bad news had me teetering over the edge. I let myself cry as my back slid down the wall. My butt hit the floor with a thud and I pulled my knees into my chest. I needed to get all of this out of my system before James was done his exam. I needed to be a ball of positive energy filled with laughter and smiles and hope. The thought made me cry even harder. I felt like I was breaking under the stress that I just promised James I could help carry.

  But it was more than that. I felt like something in my life was missing. Maybe it was the idea of the children I’d never have now. Like there was a part of me I didn’t have anymore. Hopes and dreams, maybe. It certainly wasn’t my phone. Having that back meant nothing to me. I hadn’t missed it at all.

  I leaned over more and felt the waistband of my shorts biting at my skin. God, and I was also fat. I hated the extra baby weight I had put on. Or maybe I just hated these short. Why did I pack jean shorts anyway? I was a grownup. Grownups didn’t wear cutoff jean shorts.

  Pull yourself together. I needed to find a way to stop crying. I needed to think of kittens or baby goats. Damn it, why did my go to happy place revolve solely around babies?

  My phone started vibrating in my pocket. I pulled it out to see Rob’s name. If anyone in the world could cheer me up, it was him. It felt like the universe had told him that I needed him right now. Maybe having my phone back was a good thing after all. I slid my finger across the screen.

  “Hey,” I said.

  “I guess James finally gave you all your shit back?”

  “Mhm.”

  “Did he give you your rings back in some elaborate over the top way? I told him it wasn’t necessary. That you’d remember his original proposal soon enough.”

  I looked down at my left hand. The tan lines on my ring finger. Was that why I felt empty? Because James hadn’t given me my rings back? I took a deep breath and closed my hand into a fist. It did feel off. It felt too light. Too meaningless. Why hadn’t he given them back?

  “Penny?”

  I wasn’t even sure what he had asked. “Yeah.”

  “Are you okay?”

  I sniffed. “No. Not really.”

  “Fuck. It was bad news? Give it to me straight. Tell me everything. Let me put you on speaker phone so Daphne can hear too.”

  “No.” I shook my head. “No, there’s no news at all.”

  “Oh.” There was an awkward pause. “Then what’s wrong?”

  This wasn’t something I should talk about with Rob. It was a conversation I needed to have with James. But technically we’d already had it. He said he was okay that we couldn’t have more children. That he wouldn’t have wanted me to get pregnant again anyway because it was too risky. But I had seen the hope in his eyes for a minute there. That maybe. Just…maybe.

  “It’s nothing, Rob. How is Scarlett doing?”

  “Scarlett’s fine. Tell me what’s wrong. I can tell that you’ve been crying, and you know that you suck at lying. So spill it.”

  I sniffed again. “My shorts don’t fit.”

  “Try again.”

  I laughed. “They really don’t. And I feel like I’ve had these since college. Maybe I’m more like that lost 19-year-old girl than I realize.” I placed my forehead in my hand.

  “Everything that’s lost can be found.”

  “Even when it’s your future?”

  “What have you lost, Penny? You just got everything back.”

  I slid my legs out in front of me, not caring that I was in the way of anyone walking past. “Did James tell you about my surgery?”

  “The C-section? No, he never mentioned it. We all assumed you had it.”

  “No, not that one. I had…” I let my voice trail off. “The name doesn’t matter. I can’t have any more children. I wanted more children. There’s so much going on right here right now and I feel like what I was looking forward to most in the future isn’t there anymore. And I just feel like…like I’ve been robbed.”

  “Robbed should be a good term don’t you think? Like,
damn girl, you just robbed the shit out of that.”

  I laughed. “That’s not helping.”

  “You literally just laughed.”

  I laughed again.

  “See!” He laughed too for a few seconds. And then the line went completely silent.

  I didn’t have anything to fill the silence. I let it stretch between us.

  “I’m sorry, Penny,” he finally said.

  “Me too. I know James wanted more kids. He might say otherwise, but you should have seen his face when the doctor confirmed it.” I looked down at my naked ring finger. “What if he wants that more than he wants me?”

  “Kids? Are you kidding? I mean, he loves Scarlett and Liam. But he lives for you, Penny. He was a mess when you were unconscious. And that day you ran out on all of us? It nearly killed him.”

  “He hasn’t given me my rings back.”

  “Oh.”

  “I’m trying not to read into that. But…he gave me back my phone.”

  “Well, like I said earlier, he wanted to do it in some grand way. He’s probably just planning something over the top romantic.”

  “Or debating whether he wants to give them back to me at all. And it’s more than just the kids. He said my laughter is what calms him down. And I’ve been this huge stress…”

  “Monster. You’ve been a stress monster.”

  I laughed. “Is that what you’re calling it?”

  “Absolutely. You’ve been in quite the mood ever since you started submitting your manuscript to agents.”

  “I know. So add that on top of my inability to have children. And my fatness.”

  “Penny, you are a beautiful goddess.”

  “You’re inappropriate.”

  “You’re sexy.”

  “Rob…”

  “You’re a perfect 10.”

  “I don’t know how Daphne isn’t always mad at you.”

  “She understands me. Just like James understands you. And loves you. He’s not going to divorce you, Penny. Not in a million years.”

  I ran my thumb along the tan line on my ring finger. I hope you’re right. “Hey, you got me to stop crying.”