This Is Love (The Light to My Darkness Book 3)

by Ivy Smoak

  I let Penny’s body slide back down the front of mine. “He’s going to live.” I nestled my face in her hair and held her as we both smiled. And cried. And laughed until it hurt.

  Chapter 19

  Wednesday - Penny

  I could have stayed in James’ arms for eternity and been perfectly happy. I kept laughing and sobbing and I couldn’t seem to stabilize my emotions no matter how hard I tried.

  “I know Dr. Hughes said donations. With an s. You’re probably wondering about that. But I had to make another one of those to get us on his schedule. I think it was worth it. I know I should have asked you first. We usually make all our donation decisions together but…”

  “Penny.” He grabbed both sides of my face, forcing my eyes to meet his. “Our son’s going to be okay. He’s going to live a long, healthy, normal life. There is no price I wouldn’t have been willing to pay to hear those words.”

  And then I was crying again.

  He ran his thumbs beneath my eyes to remove my tears. “I think we should go see him. Don’t you?”

  “You mean our healthy, beautiful, perfect baby boy that we get to bring home in two days?”

  “That’s the one.”

  “I’m so glad we have one of those now. I mean…I knew he was beautiful and perfect. He looks just like you. But now he’s healthy too.” I stood on my tiptoes to kiss him, but he met me halfway. I melted into him. I was ecstatic. Thrilled. Completely over-the-moon. But my stress hadn’t been cut in half. My nerves hadn’t been sliced in two. It had all just attached itself to James. And now all my worries and fears could be focused. All my hope too. I knew he’d have results from his tests now. But I needed a minute to be joyous. Just one minute where it felt like everything was okay.

  “He has your eyes though,” James said, pulling me out of my thoughts. “When you were unconscious and I couldn’t look into your eyes, I saw so much of you in him. And he makes the same noises as you do when you sleep. These adorable little moans.”

  I laughed. “I don’t make noises when I sleep.”

  He made a face that very much made it seem like he disagreed with me.

  “I do not.” I lightly shoved his shoulder.

  He grabbed my hand and pulled me to the door. “Let’s go see that healthy, beautiful, perfect baby boy we made.”

  I almost felt like a teenager as we walked hand-in-hand through the hospital. Joking around with James. Laughing. For just one little moment, my thoughts were all as light as air. And just thinking it made me feel guilty. It wasn’t fair for my thoughts to be as light as air when James’ were still heavy.

  I stopped him outside of the NICU. “I love being this happy.”

  “And I love when you’re happy.”

  I searched his eyes. “Tell me. Tell me everything. Just rip the Band-Aid off. Don’t let me start guessing until I come to some wild conclusion like you cheated on me and I end up…” I glanced around the hospital, “throwing a full bedpan at you.”

  James laughed. “We’re escalating to flinging poo now?”

  “I’m being serious.” I stepped closer to him, trying to ignore the busy hallway. “I can tell you thought Dr. Young was crazy. I get it, he looked crazy and acted crazy, but he’s brilliant in his field. You have to tell me what he said. I can’t take another second of suspense.”

  He reached out and tucked a loose strand of hair behind my ear. “He thinks if I take it easy the next few days that my heart will have time to heal. And he thinks if it heals properly, there’s no reason why I should need surgery. Ever.”

  I nodded. “Ever?”

  “Ever.”

  I squealed and threw my arms around him. “I feel like I’m so full of good news I could burst. We need to call everyone and tell them. And we need to go see Liam. And…”

  He grabbed the back of my neck and pulled me into a soul crushing kiss. He felt whole. And strong. And so much himself again. I gripped the front of his shirt, deepening the kiss until I was practically moaning.

  “We need to find a way to alleviate your stress,” I said when I finally willed myself to pull away. “Maybe I’ll give in to the naked yoga thing.”

  “Let’s take the next two days really slowly.”

  “Slow motion.” I nodded. “I. Got. It.”

  James laughed. “You don’t have to speak slowly. But…let’s just hang out here and be happy. Let’s be young and in love in Newark, Delaware.”

  “That’s easy. We don’t even have to play make-believe. That’s just what we are.” I stood on my tiptoes and kissed him again. “We get to bring Liam home.”

  “One big, healthy family.”

  “Happy too.”

  He ran his hand down the side of my neck. “I hope you’re happy, Penny.”

  “Are you kidding? I’ve never been so happy in my entire life.” I pressed the side of my face against his chest. Nothing could have been better than this moment.

  ***

  I turned off the movie when the credits started rolling and turned to James. “So? What did you think?”

  “It was funny.”

  My feet were resting in his lap, so I gently kicked his thigh. “What do you mean it was funny?”

  “It is a comedy, right? I’m pretty sure that’s what it’s listed as.” He set down his slice of pizza, like he was ready to prove his point. Instead of continuing though, he just stared at me. Waiting patiently to understand the importance of this romance.

  “Yes, a romantic comedy. But what did you think about the whole meaning of their relationship?”

  He stared at me skeptically. “I thought Westley looked an awful lot like Tyler. It was hard to look past that.”

  I laughed. “They don’t look that similar. Just like the…hair and eyes. But James, it isn’t about what he looks like. That has absolutely nothing to do with it.”

  “Then I don’t get it.”

  I rolled my eyes. Sometimes men were so dense. “I first saw this movie when I was a freshman in high school I think. And I kept hoping that one day, someone would love me that much. But in my heart, I thought I knew that would never be the case. Because no one had ever loved me. No one had ever put me first. I didn’t know how that felt. I thought I was destined to be alone. Until you.”

  He grabbed my ankle and pulled me closer to him on the couch. “I love you that much.”

  “I know. I love you that much too. Which reminds me…I did something. You’ve probably been wondering where I disappeared to earlier today?”

  “I was wondering. But my decision to have zero stress in my life told me to ignore it. That you’d tell me when you were ready.”

  “I’m ready.”

  “And this isn’t going to stress me out?”

  “Not in the slightest. At least, I hope not. I guess if you don’t like it…” I shook my head. “You’ll like it.”

  He raised his eyebrow in that sexy way of his.

  I moved my feet off his lap and stood up. He was watching me so expectantly. Like I truly did hold the key to his heart. Like every move I made he wanted to see and be there with me. Like he loved me more than any hero in any movie. I slowly pulled my shirt off over my head.

  “I feel like I’m going to like this.”

  I laughed and tossed my shirt at him.

  He caught it before it covered his head. “A striptease to celebrate the health of our family?”

  “Well, it can turn into that if you want. But I need to show you something first.” I unhooked my bra and pulled it off.

  His eyes were glued to my breasts.

  “James.” I waved my hand in front of his face. “I’m trying to show you something.” I pointed to the bandage on the side of my ribcage. I tried not to wince as I pulled it off.

  I watched his eyes scan the words. And the lines of an EKG machine. And the date that we first met.

  “My heart beats for you,” he said slowly.

  I couldn’t read his expression at all. “The one you got was the most
romantic thing in the world. I know I couldn’t compete with you writing, ‘my life began the day I met you,’ on the side of your ribcage. But I want you to know that you’re never alone, James. That even though you’re there to catch me when I fall, I’m there to catch you too. You know? And when life gets hard and it feels like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders, I’m there to carry some of that weight for you. Forever and always.”

  He leaned forward and lightly traced the skin beneath my tattoo. “You got a tattoo for me.”

  “I did. I needed you to know how much I cared. I didn’t know how else to show you.”

  “You desecrated your perfect body for me?” He finally lifted his gaze off the words and locked eyes with me.

  I smiled. “I said those exact words to you on our wedding day.”

  “I’ll never forget them.”

  “But I liked yours. I meant the desecrate thing playfully. I love yours actually.” There was an awkward silence. “Please tell me you don’t hate it.”

  “I don’t hate it.”

  “But you don’t like it?”

  “I think that you’re missing two dates.” He smiled up at me.

  I laughed and put my hands on my hips. “This thing hurt like hell. If I had known that, I wouldn’t have pressured you into getting the other two dates.”

  “I love it, Penny.”

  “Really?”

  “Yes, really.”

  “So…that brings me to my next point. Can I please have my rings back? I feel like since you’ve been wearing yours and I don’t have mine that people think I’m your mistress or something. I don’t want there to be any more rumors about us ever again. And technically those are mine. You gave them to me.” I held out my hand out so he could place them in my palm.

  “I’ve thought of a lot of ways to do this. Most of them didn’t involve you standing topless in front of me.”

  “Oh. I can put…”

  “No, this is a lot better than I ever imagined it.”

  I smiled at him.

  He scooted off the couch and got down on one knee in front of me. “I was going to wait until the end of the week to do this right. Let myself be stressed out and everything over your response. But you’ve made it pretty clear what your answer is going to be.”

  I could feel tears welling in my eyes.

  “I love you with all my heart. With every ounce of my being. And I don’t need to do this in the coffee shop. I don’t need to recreate the past. Our story was great. But our future is only just beginning. And I’m not going anywhere. No matter what life throws at us, all I know is that I want you by my side. You said it best. My heart beats for you.” He reached into his pocket and pulled out my rings. “Penny, will you do me the honor of continuing to be my wife?”

  “A million times yes.”

  He pulled me down into his arms.

  “I’ve experienced life without you and it was a life not worth living,” I said as I nuzzled my face against his neck. “I don’t know how I ever forgot you because everything about you is unforgettable. I’ll love you until the day I die, way way in the future.”

  I leaned back so he could slide my rings back where they belonged. I’d never take them off again. They were beautiful. And they were mine. We were finally back where we were supposed to be.

  He captured my lips in a kiss that had my head spinning.

  “Normally I’d pick you up and carry you to the bed, but I’m doing my best to follow the doctor’s orders.”

  I laughed and looked behind me. “Well, how many times do you think Rob had sex on this couch?”

  James made a gagging noise. “I don’t want to think about that.”

  I laughed. “Me either.” I looked down at the fabric. “It’s been cleaned, right?”

  He pulled me back into a kiss, pushing aside any thoughts I had of dirty couches.

  Who the hell cared when the hottest guy on earth was right in front of them? I was pretty sure I could make love to him even if we were in a disgusting bathroom in a dingy bar. “I don’t care if it’s dirty,” I said and pulled on the front of his shirt so he’d follow me back up to the couch. “We’re about to make it dirtier, anyway.”

  “God I love you.”

  We fell together in a tangle of limbs onto the couch. I wanted a million more of these moments. Skin against skin. Sinful things whispered in my ear. I loved James Hunter. I loved him more than life itself. All the ups and down brought me to one conclusion every single time. I loved this man. Whether he was my professor, boyfriend, fiancé, boss, or husband. I loved him in every single form. He was my everything. And my heart truly did beat for him.

  Chapter 20

  Friday - Penny

  Our few days in Newark had flown by. I had never been more in love with the man beside me. I was so blissfully happy. James and Liam had both been given the all-clear. We were going home today.

  It felt like we were back where we started. Despite the changes around campus. I pulled James toward the strange new statue I had seen last time I was here.

  “And this,” I said. “What the heck is this?” I gestured to the hideous thing.

  “You don’t like change very much.”

  “I don’t mind change if it makes any sense at all. But this thing ruined the aesthetic of this circle. Remember how you could go to the center and clap and it would echo?”

  James shoved his hands into his pockets as he watched me examine the statue. “No, I wasn’t aware of that.”

  I looked back up at him. “What kind of professor were you?”

  He smiled in that seductive way of his. “A bad one.”

  I walked back over to him. “You were a great professor. With a bad habit of seducing students.”

  “Student. Not plural.”

  “See. You were a good professor. And you still are back home. Let me see if it still echoes.” I looked over my shoulder to see if anyone was coming before I proceeded to climb up onto the concrete book.

  James laughed as I started clapping in the center of the book.

  “Am I centered? Or is over here better?” I stepped to the side and started clapping again.

  James started laughing even harder.

  “Why are you laughing at me?”

  “Because you look like a lunatic.”

  I stuck my tongue out at him and looked back down at the statue I was standing on. “It doesn’t echo back. This stupid statue ruined everything.”

  “Everything?”

  “Fine, not everything.” I let James help me down from the hideous monstrosity. “Just this circle. And those huge new residence halls they built.” I pointed to the buildings in the distance. “Hideous, right?”

  “But you still love it here, don’t you.” He didn’t phrase it like a question. He knew I loved it.

  “Of course. Coming to this college was the best decision of my life. It led me to you.”

  He cupped my cheek in his hand. “How much would it upset you to know that some of our donation probably helped pay for those huge hideous buildings.”

  “A travesty.”

  He laughed. “And the hospital. That wasn’t a travesty.”

  “No. That was a life saver.”

  “The personal attention we got at the hospital was impressive," said James. "I don’t want to know how much money you donated, but do we practically own that hospital because of all the donations we’ve made?”

  “Probably. But if we ever have any health problems, we know where to come.”

  His hand slid down the side of my neck in the most distracting way. But the way he was staring at me made it impossible for me to think about anything else.

  “Or maybe we should just stay,” he said.

  “Stay.” I stared into his eyes. “In Newark?”

  “I can’t remember the last time I saw you this happy, Penny. I want to see you smile as much every day as you have in the past few days.”

  “I smile plenty.”

  “
You haven’t smiled plenty. You’ve been upset in New York. You think I didn’t notice you crying after opening the mail? And I’ve never heard laughter flowing out of your office while you work. You haven’t been happy. And somewhere along the way you forgot that I’ve always seen you, Penny.”

  I moved a fraction of an inch closer to him. “Are you not happy in New York?”

  “Not if you aren’t.”

  I bit the inside of my lip as I stared into his eyes. “The city is our home.”

  “But it doesn’t have to be. We can move anywhere you want.”

  I shook my head. “I love our apartment. And all our friends are right there.”

  “All I’m concerned about is your happiness.”

  “I’m happy in the city.”

  He shook his head. “I’ve never seen you climb random statues in Central Park with a huge smile on your face. And I can’t remember the last time where we ate so much pizza that our stomachs hurt. Or watched a romantic comedy curled up on the couch together. Or took the time to take a walk just the two of us. Penny. I don’t want to go back if your smiles are going to disappear again.”

  I swallowed hard. Maybe somewhere along the way I had forgotten that he saw me. For what I really was. What I was really thinking. Was I unhappy in New York?

  “I think we should stay,” he said.

  “I don’t really understand where this is coming from. We’ve done nothing but talk about bringing Liam home. Home is in New York. We’re leaving in less than an hour.”

  “But we don’t have to. We can stay here. Scarlett can come join us down here.”

  “Your old apartment is a bachelor pad. It’s not home.”

  “If we brought all our stuff here it would feel like home. I don’t want to go back. I don’t want to risk losing you.”

  “Why would you lose me if we went back?”

  He shook his head. “Everyone thought…I didn’t want to believe it. I told myself it couldn’t be true. But it’s been eating me alive. You remember the day you went into labor now. I wasn’t there. And after I found the note you left…I have to know. Did you try to take your own life? It’s been in the back of my mind. And it won’t go away. Penny, I need to know. I’ll do anything to make you happy and it kills me that…”