Exes and Exorcisms

by Keira Blackwood

  I winked at a pair of seniors who were staring at me from the park bench. The two women whispered and laughed.

  Why would I wink? Scowl. I should have scowled.

  Nothing made sense. My body wasn’t making sense. There was something seriously wrong with me, like there were two of us inside of me fighting for control and I was losing.

  Wipe that smile off your face.

  I thought it.

  My body didn’t listen.

  My feet skipped along, and my hands clapped like I was Fred fucking Astaire. I picked up an umbrella from a stand by the door to a little shop, slid it down my shoulders, spun it around, then with a bop of my elbow sent it back to its stand. The tables outside were full, and the sign above the door labeled the place as a coffee shop with a turd for a mascot.

  A group of women with babies clapped. They actually clapped for my stupid show.

  And I bowed.

  Gross.

  I hopped down off the curb, did a little skip, then hopped back up. This was absurd. This wasn’t me. Frustrated, I decided to try something. I told my right foot not to lift. You’re lead, sinking down into the cement. Nothing can lift you.

  And my sashay faltered.

  Win. Okay, so all I needed to do was willfully decide what was going to happen. Turn around, and return to Kelly.

  “No.” My lips formed the word I didn’t tell them to say.

  Turn around.

  “This is how we work now,” my mouth said.

  I do not accept that. There is no we, only me.

  I laughed—well, my body did.

  Inside, I seethed.

  At some point, I must have blacked out, because I appeared to have crossed a few blocks with no recognition of the time that had passed.

  Coming back to awareness, I realized there was no way I could let this keep going. I had to make a move, or who knew what would happen to me. With all the conviction and force that I had, I concentrated on what had worked before.

  My feet are lead.

  My body obeyed. I would have thrown my fist in the air if I’d had control of it. But everything was moving still, moving down.

  Impact was inevitable. I saw the sidewalk coming straight for my face. I couldn’t lift my arms to stop it. There was only the flash of panic, and then the crunch and the pain.

  Blood spilled down my throat from my first faceplant since toddlerhood. And I couldn’t be happier.

  It’s my body.

  I told my limbs to remain still. But instead, I rolled to my back, touched my face and lifted wet fingers from my nose up in front of my eyes. It was as if part of me needed to see the blood, because tasting and smelling the metallic quality of it wasn’t enough.

  “You think you have a say in what our body does?” I heard the words in my own voice, felt my lips move, but it wasn’t me who was speaking. “You think you’re a vampire hunter? That’s hysterical.”

  I wasn’t so sure I was a vampire hunter at all anymore. But that wasn’t the point. Why did this voice think it was funny?

  “You like Kelly, right?”

  Yes.

  “You want to help her?”

  Of course.

  “We’re going to do that.”

  Helping Kelly sounded a lot better than throwing myself on the ground. So when my arms pushed me up and I rose to my feet, I didn’t fight.

  Two of the women from the coffee shop walked past, giving me a wide berth as they jogged along with their strollers.

  A third stopped beside me. “Are you okay?”

  No.

  “Peachy, thanks, ma’am.” I tipped the hat I wasn’t wearing.

  She gave me a strange smile, then rejoined her friends.

  I started skipping, as I had before. This time I wasn’t worried. I wasn’t fighting. I was along for the joyful stroll to whatever I was doing to help Kelly.

  Down a block, I spotted a little red trolley. A big sticker on the side labeled it Forbidden Journey Town Tours. It was crawling down the road like a tortoise, and it was perfect.

  Perfect for what? I had no idea. But I could feel the kismet arrival of the trolley in my bones. So I skipped a little faster.

  With a hop, a jump, and a grab, I landed on the open steps to the trolley.

  “You can’t do that,” the driver told me.

  I flashed him my best smile and showered him in a handful of coins.

  The trolley swerved as the driver swatted the coins from his person. Then he slowed from a crawl to a stop.

  He rose from his seat and pointed at me. “Get out.”

  “Kelly needs these people,” I said. “You all belong to me now.”

  I looked over my find, a group of seniors who mostly stared blankly at me. All except the woman behind the driver’s seat. She smacked her cane on the ground. “I paid good money to go on this drive. Someone better start moving or I’m leaving one star on Yelp.”

  I tipped my non-existent hat to her, then turned to the driver. “You heard the lady.”

  He made a series of noises and shook his head, then reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone. “I’m calling the police.”

  That was not what the lady had asked for. And this man was supposed to be in customer service.

  I snatched him up by his lapels and tossed him through the open door. He landed headfirst in a large pile of snow, and flailed his arms and legs all about.

  Of course with the driver gone, someone had to drive the trolley. I took a seat in the front, where there was a hat, a captain’s hat that belonged on a sea vessel, only it was here dangling from the rearview. I placed the hat on my head, and worked the controls, driving straight back toward the tattoo parlor so I could deliver Kelly my gift.

  “If you’re driving, you have to tell us a story,” the woman behind me said.

  I looked up in the rearview and adjusted it down to meet her gaze. Beneath a set of silver caterpillar eyebrows was a set of harsh gray eyes.

  I grabbed the little microphone and pushed the button so all twenty or so people on the trolley could hear me. “Once upon a time, a wolf tried his best not to be a wolf.”

  In the rearview, I caught a glimpse of a familiar face, one with judgmental brows.

  “Which building is this story supposed to be about?” the woman behind me asked, pulling my attention back to my tale.

  “But he failed miserably, over and over again. Until a woman domesticated him and made him into a dog.”

  “Wolves don’t become dogs,” the woman said.

  I ignored her and continued. “His love for her was so profound that he did what any loving mutt would do.”

  “This is stupid,” the woman said.

  “He brought her a red present, as bright as her hair. Filled with juicy humans that she could make into her children.”

  Murmurs carried from the back of the trolley. I wasn’t concerned. No one wanted to be murdered at first. But they’d like it after she brought them back. Twenty-ish new vampires, all for Kelly. She’d be so happy.

  “You’ve lost it,” the woman said. “You know we’re not children, right? This is a senior group, from the center.”

  “Shhh, we’re almost—”

  Something thwacked into the top of my head, and the bus swerved. Everything spun. Surprised by the elderly woman behind me, repeatedly beating my head with her cane, I lost control of my body.

  Or gained it.

  The inner me was seething, fighting to be free.

  Which part was the real me?

  The familiar man walked down the aisle toward the front of the bus. I knew this guy. Clyde. His name was Clyde.

  Didn’t I just talk to him on the phone? Did it matter? He must have been on his way to find me during our conversation. He was tracking me.

  “Track away, Clyde!” I said in a cheerful voice.

  Bang. The woman bopped me again in the head.

  I ripped the cane from the woman’s hands, but as I did, the trolley turned toward the curb. When
I tried to right it, I got a look out the window, just in time to see Kelly, as the trolley smashed straight into her, and hit a snowbank.

  20

  KELLY

  Well, this vision had come true sooner than I’d expected—and sooner than I’d hoped.

  Then again, if one knows one is going to be hit by a bus in the future, perhaps it’s better to get it over with.

  Pain filled my body, radiating outward from my torso. I’d broken a rib or several. Xavier sat in the driver’s seat of the bus, looking dazed. The folks in the back also looked dazed, but they seemed all right. Several of them had their phones out and were taking pictures of me, Xavier, and each other. The ones who weren’t holding their phones were applauding.

  Like a bus crash was just a part of Forbidden, Kentucky’s charm?

  A man with gray hair and cracked spectacles shouted, “Yeehaw! This is the best ride in town!”

  “Um, a little help here?” I gasped.

  Xavier tried turning the wheel to move the bus, but it wasn’t budging. Maybe it was hooked over a part of the curb; it was impossible to tell in the snow.

  “Hold on, Kelly, I’m coming!” he called.

  He couldn’t exit the bus through the regular door because it was currently pressed against me. He pushed his way through the aisle of tourists to the rear emergency exit, and came outside.

  “Kelly, my angel, I have brought you some victims!”

  “Victims?” I stared at him. Surely I’d heard him incorrectly.

  Marla was on her phone, shouting at Grayson, “Get your ass outside! We’re just down the block from the parlor, and there's been an accident.”

  “This isn’t an accident,” one of the men in the bus shouted, “this is the best live, interactive theater I’ve ever witnessed!”

  “But that woman was hit by the bus!” a woman with a cane said, her cheeks pink. “Maybe it is an accident?”

  “Nonsense,” another tourist said, this one a plump man with the kind of jowly facial hair one would expect to see in a Regency film. “No one could survive this in real life, yet she has. Look, she’s even smiling.”

  I was not smiling, I was grimacing. This was my resting bitch-help-me face.

  Marla came over and started pushing on the bus. Xavier helped her, while eyeing the spray bottle hooked to my belt loop.

  “What are you doing with that?” Xavier asked.

  “Um...making more vampires?” I said. “It’s very strong vampire juice.”

  He nodded. “Oh. Good.”

  He should know I was lying—he was a shifter, after all. But it seemed the demon inhabiting his body didn’t have the same lie detection skills.

  “Wait, don’t move her!” a woman in a velour tracksuit called out. “I want a selfie first!”

  “Oh, for crying out loud,” Marla said. “Go away!”

  But the woman was already using her cane to whack other tourists out of the way. She clambered out of the bus, her phone held aloft, her eyes shining with a combination of glee and determination.

  “Take this photo, now,” she said to Marla.

  Marla raised her eyebrows at me in question.

  “Go ahead,” I said, waving with my one free arm. “What’s another few seconds of agony?”

  “Loving the melodrama,” the lady said, getting close enough that I could smell her Chanel No. 5.

  I sneezed just as Marla took the photo, and Marla laughed as she looked at the resulting image. “Do you want me to take the picture over?” she asked, showing it to the woman.

  The woman howled. “No, no, this is perfect.”

  “Get me out of here,” I growled.

  Xavier was already working on it, his muscles bunching beneath his long-sleeved tee. He shot me apologetic looks all the while, and pointed to the tourists. “You can make them your children,” he said. “You will be a vampire queen and all will serve you.”

  Finally, he pushed the bus off of me with a screech.

  Now that I was free, I grabbed the spray bottle, took aim at Xavier, and sprayed. Noxious black liquid shot out in a fine mist.

  Xavier coughed. “What is this? It isn’t vampire juice, is it?”

  “No,” I said. “It’s demon juice!”

  He tried to scramble away, but Grayson rushed up and lunged for him. Xavier pulled away just in time and started to make a run for it, but the selfie lady stuck out her cane. Xavier tripped, falling to the cold sidewalk in a heap.

  I continued spraying him, shouting like Ben would do. “Begone, demon! Begone!”

  My ribs and stomach were in agony from where the bus had plowed into me, but I could tell they were healing.

  “Stop!” Xavier said, trying to scoot away on his ass, then lifting up so he could crab-walk. I limped after him toward the tattoo parlor.

  “It’s not working,” I said, spraying so hard that my finger was getting sore and cramped. “I don’t know what else to do.”

  Marla shook her head. “Something has to be different, maybe. We need to banish it, not just get it out of Xavier.”

  Banish. The banishing dildo would work one time, Cordelia had said. A touch to the forehead and proclaim who or what I wanted banished, and he’d be gone.

  “Marla, get the dildo!” I shouted.

  “Get the dildo!” the tourists called after me.

  I glanced over my shoulder to see that they’d all exited the bus and were following along. They really seemed to think this was live theater.

  One man hung back away from everyone else, watching with intense interest, but not enthralled like the rest.

  Marla ran ahead to the parlor, went inside, and came out a second later with the Louboutins box. She opened it and pulled out the dildo. “Here, Kelly, catch!”

  The dildo whipped through the air like a throwing star before I reached up and caught it with my free hand. It was still slippery with the spell Cordelia had imbued it with.

  I touched it to Xavier’s forehead. “Demon, this is a proclamation of your banishment! Begone!”

  Xavier cringed on the ground. “My queen,” he said, “my queen!”

  “It still isn’t working,” I said, spraying him and whacking his forehead with the dildo.

  “How about true love’s kiss?” Grayson asked. “He’s your mate. Save him!”

  “Save him with the dildo and a kiss!” one of the tourists shouted.

  I was glad these people were from out of town, because otherwise I’d never be able to show my face in Forbidden again. If death couldn’t stop true love, then a demon sure as hell shouldn’t, either.

  Kissing Xavier was a no-brainer. I didn’t know if it would solve anything, but I missed him. I loved him—I’d loved him for so very long, and missed him so very much.

  Dropping the dildo and the spray bottle on the ground, I bent down, took his face in my hands, and pressed my lips to his.

  He smelled like the demon spray, but as I kissed him, he shuddered dramatically, shaking his arms and legs to the sides. The kiss transformed, from me kissing him, to him kissing me. Our tongues danced, our hands joined, and before I knew it, he was standing up and holding me tightly to his body. I could feel the rigid hardness of his cock through our clothes. Seconds later, he had me pressed against the side of the building and he was taking charge of the kiss in true alpha wolf fashion.

  Xavier was back.

  The tourists were cheering, waving canes, taking pictures with their phones, and whistling. The stoic guy pushed through to the front of the crowd. He was staring at me like he had something to say, but I didn’t know who he was, and I didn’t care.

  “You’re not trying to kill him,” the man said. “And you’re out in sunlight. But you’re a—”

  “Clyde.” Xavier went stiff beside me. “What are you doing here?”

  “Came to see what spell got cast on you,” he said. “Not the one I expected.”

  “This territory is mine,” Xavier growled.

  Clyde put his hands up in defense. �
��Looks like what you said is true.”

  And then it hit me. This was the guy who had been texting Xavier—the vampire hunter.

  “I know who you are. You can leave Forbidden on your own,” I said. “Or you can leave in a body bag.”

  Marla and Grayson stood beside me, arms crossed.

  “Whoa, whoa,” Clyde said. “I’ve seen. Now I’ll go. You bloodsuckers aren’t killing humans, you aren’t my problem.”

  He nodded to Xavier then turned and left.

  Xavier, with a satisfied, grim look on his face, watched Clyde go.

  In the new calm, I had one big question. Tugging on Xavier’s hand, I whispered, “Where’d the demon go?”

  “It left entirely,” he said. “You banished it, didn’t you? One second it was ripping through my mind, making me do horrible things...and the next, it was screaming and fading away.”

  “Yes, I did banish it,” I said, giving him a little bite on his lower lip because, what can I say, I like biting.

  “You saved me.” He gazed at me with his warm, loving green eyes, and touched my cheek. “I always thought I had to be the one who saves you, but it was you who saved me. With true love’s kiss.”

  “Wuv,” I said, quoting our favorite movie. “Twuuuu wuv.”

  Xavier laughed. “Is it too soon to ask you about mawwiage?”

  I couldn’t help the grin forming on my face. “I don’t think it’s too soon at all.”

  “Be my mate,” he said. “Be my wife.”

  “Are you asking me? Or are you telling me?”

  He laughed and got down on one knee. “Kelly, I love you. I love your strength just as much as I love your submission. I love your snark and your wit, and your soap operas with the cats. Most of all, I love your soul. Will you marry me? Be my mate and my wife?”

  Tears filled my eyes. “Yes, you bossy shifter. I’m yours. I’ll marry you.”

  Marla and Grayson herded away the cheering tourists, while Xavier and I kissed again, and again, and again.

  EPILOGUE

  XAVIER

  A few weeks had passed since Kelly had banished the Opposite Demon. When I wasn’t busy working on setting up my new business, I spent every moment I could with Kelly.